Posts Tagged ‘worry’

me and m

July 20, 2017

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

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big ball of anxiety

November 20, 2015

Just like last month my PMS came in the form of anxiety. I’m normally a pretty tense person, but the levels of anxiousness this week have been unreal. It’s so strange to me. I swear my body hates me more and more for not having a kid already. GEEZE! My internal clock is insanely loud these days.

Earlier this week I went 24 hours without hearing from Andy. Since september 26th I haven’t gone more than 12 hours without a word from him. All I could do was invision him in a ditch with his truck laying on top of him. I was a nut case!

When in reality the way our schedules line up (or don’t line up) and the fact that his phone decided to stop working it just didn’t work out that he could get ahold of me. I was thinking about contacting his family and friends and worrying the world because I hadn’t heard from him. I just all out crazy panicked. I’m thankful that I talked myself down from that ledge tho. I haven’t met most of his people yet and that would NOT have been a good first impression. I was beside myself tho. It was terrible!

If there was ever question on if I cared about him, this cleared it up! When he finally was able to communicate with me via someone else’s phone I had already worked myself up so much that I had to cry any way. It was just too much. I had to let it spill over. I blame this sort of release on Sir, he tapped into my emotions in a way that makes me very in touch with them. It’s like he bridged a gap I was missing. So when I feel it, I can’t hold it in if I tried. I went to the bathroom to ball my eyes out at work after I hung up with Andy. I just also wish that in that moment I had someone to collapse into. That would’ve have made it more complete.

I can’t wait to hug Andy today. Friday’s are not just the end of my work week now, but the day I get to see him after being apart all week. I just cannot wait to have him hold me. There’s zero chance of me escaping this weekend without anothter tearful breakdown. It’s new to not see it as weakness but as strength to let the tears flow and the emotions release. Somehow it’s empowering. One of the many lessons Sir gave me.

On top of that my estranged uncle got run over by a car… RUN OVER BY A DAMN CAR. As in, it rolled on top of him. And that vehicle also happened to be pulling a trailer. So first the car ROLLED over him then the trailer. INSANE. He is alive but badly banged up. Three out of four limbs were effected. I’ve been helping him with errands and getting things in order for him. It was so taxing. I feel awful complaining about helping him while he is so injured while I’m young, healthy, and able. But this man, he is so hard to deal with. I haven’t talked to him in years. It drained me. I. Am. Spent.

 

another dating disaster

November 18, 2014

Welp, I’m trying.

Met up with a guy I have seen a few times. It was his birthday and he was watching Sunday football at a restaurant/bar with a few friends. I wasn’t going to stay long, but it was his birthday and he asked me to come. When I sit I immediately get the feeling that his friends are not quite his friends. In their defense, this guy was being obnoxiously loud. He had been here drinking beer for the last 2 or 4 hours…. I wasn’t quite sure. His volume was even embarrassing me! And I’ve only hung out with him enough to think i wanted to continue to see where this goes.

I have 2 beers. I feel good about two beers. I had a huge lunch and wasn’t feeling it in the least. It’s 7:30pm… not too late. I think i’m about to leave for a few reasons. 1) Let him hang with his “friends” on his birthday. They were talking about going out afterwards and i didn’t want to be what stood in his way if he wanted. 2) I have to be at work early in the morning so its not an option in my mind. He talks me into one more beer… bribed me with my favorite… which i don’t even remember telling him. How thoughtful.

I finish that up, lean over, and tell him I’m heading out. He insists on coming with me. “Ok.” I never invited him, but it’s kind of nice that he wants to hang out longer. Its 8:00 pm… I can kick him out at 10pm and still get plenty of sleep. We walk out together. I ask if he is good to drive…. against my better  judgement he got behind his wheel. I told him I needed gas first but that I’ll be right behind him. I get gas. I get home. I take my dog out. I pick up a little. I return a phone call to my mom from earlier. I’m started to worry. He should’ve beat me here. I call him with no answer. Panic is rising and I’m cursing myself for letting him drive.

45 minutes later he calls. Relief sweeps over me. “Can i still come over? I’m on my way.” At this point its almost 9pm… and I’m less excited about him coming over. It’s starting to be unsettling… not to mention how much worry I just went through. So, okay, he’s coming now…. so I wait. and I wait. and I wait. I start to worry again! I call him. No answer. I call a friend for a few reasons. 1) to pass the time and 2) to talk me off this cliff of panic that I’m inching towards…. but there’s a hint of something else settling in as well… is that anger??? Why yes! It is! Where the f*** is he?! If he didn’t want to come over he didn’t have to! I didn’t even ask him!

At 10pm, 2 hours since we left the bar, I text him to tell him not to bother coming. “Text to tell me that everything is okay but I’m headed to bed.” He calls immediately. “I’m lost. I just got mugged. I don’t know where I am.” I ask him what’s the last thing he remembers, but before I can finish he knows where he is…. I find out he still has his car… he says he’s been beaten with a tire iron after pulling over to help a guy with a flat tire…. I wish I could tell you my first reaction was to find out he was ok… but all i can think is BULL SHIT!

“Beaten and left for dead” with your car… and your phone… and you sound fine… is this guy for real? And you what? “Can I still come over?” um………… seriously?

He can’t believe that I don’t believe him. I tell him to just call me tomorrow. We can talk when he is sober. He says okay, he sounds mad and hangs up. He calls back a few more times. Each time I tell him to stop calling and we can talk tomorrow. I finally stop answering the phone. I can’t turn my phone off because I’m on-call for work. But he calls 6 mores times between the hours of 11 and 2:30am. He leaves me 4 voice mails and each one he gets more and more drunk. I can barely make out the last one. In the first one, I can tell he is still driving… and its 12:20 am. He says something about going out… and turning around. In another one I can tell he is out at a bar. In the very last one I’m pretty sure I hear a drunken “I love you” which I can’t help but roll my eyes.

I don’t know about you but if i just got beaten up on the side of the highway i wouldn’t be worried about either a guy I just started dating or going out to a bar…

The next day he calls and apologizes. Wants to “make it up to me” but I don’t know that i’m invested enough to deal… was this truly a stupid drunken string of bad decisions? because I’m more inclined to believe half of it was BS. 100% made up! I don’t know him well enough to know whether this is a normal thing for him or not! Only parts of his story change… like instead of a tire iron he was kicked. He never mentioned the pulling over to help a car again… he just says “I was drunk, I got lost, you got mad” that’s his story. He tries to tell me he went home after the mugging, but the voice mails say different so he has to concede that one. On top of all that he tries to blame MY trust issues for making all this a big deal. Maybe so, but if you can’t trust your gut what can you trust?

It’s a shame tho… I was really liking him. oh well…