Posts Tagged ‘workout’

week ???

October 11, 2016

I have no idea where I am in this whole weight loss challenge. I do know that I’m JUST NOW under 160. That took for friggin ever! My birthday really threw in a rough kink. I swear it was the birthday that never ended. I had so many dinners and lunches and celebrations. Gah! It was awesome! But impossible to stay on track.

So the scale isn’t budging much, but holy cow! My clothes. The mirror. They don’t lie. INCHES INCHES INCHES. I feel amazing.

This is by far the longest I’ve been this consistent. I’ve meal prepped so much in the last 3 months. It’s insane.

For the first 5 or 6 weeks I didn’t struggle much with my binge eating. But after that it’s been so so tough. I know that a lot of that has to do with my birthday and making so many exceptions. Once you have the bad things in your veins that is ALL you want. And ALL you think about. And when the craving hits…. game over. It’s been rough.

Everything in the gym has improvemed. I ABSOLUTELY love it. The feeling is beyond what I ever expected.

I have good brain days and bad brain days. But the fact that I have a few skinny brain days cropping up is such an awesome gift and such a telling side effect.

So while I won’t make any money off this weight loss challenge, I’ve definitely made some great mental strides here and very evident physical ones. I wore a bathing suit this weekend (too cold to swim but perfect for poolside reading in the sun!) that I’ve put on twice this summer and promptly took off. I put it on this weekend and didn’t feel compelled to jump out of it! I even got a compliment from my brother. MY BROTHER! A brother compliment!!!! WHAT?!?!

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week 6

September 2, 2016

Being on vacation obviously makes a diet impossible. And actually, like most people, I took a vacation from dieting too.

I spent a few days resisting the extra calories, but by day 3 I was in full vacation mode. And I’m glad I loosened up a bit. I had a blast!!!!!! The ultimate Maine experience!

  • whale watching
  • sailing
  • kayaking
  • hiking
  • lobster and blueberry pie eatin!

So much fun with two girlfriends from college that I got to be extremely goofy with. I got the BEST pics. So so so much fun.

I needed to be with people who made me loosen up on the calorie front and cash front. I’m so cheap!

And the whole trip, with airfair and food and entertainment, and other travel expenses came out to just over $1000… And I haven’t vacationed in 2.5 years! So I feel pretty good about all that.

As far as the diet is concerned I have put my scale away. I’m going to continue to prep food, make healthy decisions, up my cardo, and add a few focused strength cycles. I feel great! And I shouldn’t let the scale dictate my mood. So for at least a few more weeks the scale is up on top of my fridge way back in the back. I not only need a step stool, but I also have to climb on top of my counters before I can reach it. So! Here’s to chipping away at the ole body!!!

And a noteworthy event: I’m in new jeans and they are a size down!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy friday all!

Week 2

August 1, 2016

Week 1 went well enough. There were several events that I blew the diet. But I worked out 6 days out of 7. I’m really going to have to learn how to keep my social life and not over do it. It’ll take practice. I’m up for the challenge. 

I’m more than prepared for this week. I prepped every meal for the entire week yesterday. Took about 3 and half hours if you include the grocery trip. 1200 calories every day of mostly clean and high quality food. The most I’ll have to do is grill some shrimp for a few dinners to throw in with my spaghetti squash. But that takes no time at all!

I’m proud and pumped. Ready to kick week 2’s ass!

BAM!!

week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

cheese dip and workouts

April 4, 2016

I just had my yearly review. I’ve been anxious about it for a week now. So so so anxious. It went fine. Nothing unexpected happened or was said.

But the anxiousness leaves me hungry. I’m starving! Emotional hunger is so so real. I can’t believe how real it feels some times.

I know its not real because the only thing that would satisfy this hunger is cheese dip and chips. That’s all I can think about right now. It’s an hour and 10 minutes until my lunch break. I’ve got to figure a healthy way to curb this, but no resolution is coming to mind.

That’s a lie.

I just keep diverting my attention back to cheese dip.

I’ve got a very rigorous workout schedule planned for this week. I’m keenly aware of the fact that I’m pushing it to the point that I can’t lie to myself about the healthiness of it.

I’m rationalizing the fuck out of all of it! It’s insane.

I’ve got 6 crossfit classes planned. 2 of those are AM sessions. I need to add in some long rows after class too. One treadmill interval workout. And a bike ride or two. Also, going to the driving range with mitch… but that one barely counts.

See it’s not THAT crazy. Nah. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll be super sore by Wednesday, but don’t worry, I’ll eat plenty. :-\

a clean break

March 17, 2016

I haven’t heard from A since the break up phone call last Sunday. Nothing. The phone call went smoothly. A break up phone call should never be labeled “smooth”, right? He didn’t argue. He apologized and let me go.

It’s hard for me not to think that maybe he wanted me to do it. But I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I’m not sitting over here overthinking my decision. In fact, the very fact that I haven’t heard from him only solidifies my decision even more.

I’m not sad. I don’t miss him. I guess my heart knew it was coming. My head is running the show and I’m not experiencing any hiccup. Monday I was a little blue. But by Tuesday I was… normal.

In fact, I’m quite centered this week. I’ve had a few really good workouts. My eating has been quite under control. No binges. No mind consuming, urgent cravings that I have to satiate.

The weather has been amazing this week. I can’t wait to get my road bike out and hit the trail tomorrow! I think mitch is coming. ūüôā

I feel good about me. All week I’ve quite enjoy what I look at in the mirror. It’s a weird consistent loving of myself that I haven’t experienced often in my lifetime. 4 days of positive self thought?! Unimaginable!

My workouts have been GREAT! I am back in the full swing of crossfit after being disengaged from it for a full year. I love lifting heavy weights and feeling confident with the barbell. I workout with a lot of newbies and while I’m not where I was when I quit, I’m still ahead of them. But only in confidence. I mean, do I have more on the bar than them? Yes. But it isn’t their strength in the way. They’ll get there! I got there. I really really enjoy coaching them in the gym. I know I’m not certified or whatever, but I can offer tiny ques that help A LOT. It’s awesome seeing that light bulb go off for some! I love that!

You know what’s funny? I’m not over thinking the fact that he hasn’t reached out. I’m over thinking the fact that I’m so dang happy this week! How long was I needing to end this?! When was when? I didn’t see it I guess. I know that I almost did it several weeks back, but I wonder when it stopped being fun and started hurting my confidence. I truly didn’t feel like he wanted me nor did he offer up any evidence that I was priority in his life. Gosh, that is awful! Even tho it would’ve been nice to feel fought for I like what a clean break perspective can offer.

something right

November 13, 2015

I think I’ve been making a mistake by only looking at the bad moments and asking what is going wrong.

I think intuitively my process (of working through my binge/emotional eating disorder) has been:

  • Learn to recognize the bad moments while in a bad moment.
  • Think about why this moment is bad. Be extremely specific and focus on what emotion I am feeling.
  • Learn from that going forward, whether its eliminating the source or finding productive ways to deal with it other than eating.

But what if the question isn’t what is wrong in the bad moments, but asking what is right in the good moments? Why shouldn’t we practice mindfulness in the good times too?

I’ve had a kickass week. K I C K A S S !

I never once had a binge moment. Or even a thought of binging. I never had to struggle with it at all. Usually I’m neck deep in should I order chef shuttle or not EVERY NIGHT. Getting as far as the check out page and closing the browser only to jump back on chef shuttle and repeat. Not once this week!

It could simply be it’s that sweet spot week that my hormone levels aren’t crazy. Which would be really sad because that would mean that 50-75% of my child bearing years are just damned to sabotage me. Not comforting.

I was productive. Got a few amazing workouts. I got a set of 10 pushups!! I’ve been working up to that for a while now. I ran some much needed errands. Made a major dent in my christmas shopping. Cleaned out my pantry. At work I was extremely productive too. Felt like a contributing part of my team… doesn’t happen often being the low man on the totem pole. But it’s hard to nail down what the product of a right moment is and what the source of a good moment is. Like, am I feeling productive because I did all those things? or is my productivity the side effect of something else that was right…?

So what was right?

  • I don’t have a relationship inner struggle. The Sir/poly/Andy/mono struggle I was consumed with is resolved. I knew it was resting heavy on me, but stress is one of those things that you don’t quite know how much its effecting you til it is lifted and gone.
  • I had all the right groceries in my fridge. Usually this is the case, but I also took time this week to prep food for the following day each day. I kind of followed the zone diet. So I’d make/prep/pack¬†at least¬†6 zones to take to work with me to eat before I got home and before my workout.
  • Me and Andy are great. He has a way of saying things that put me at ease as soon as I feel the girly doubtful irrational thoughts creep in my head.
  • My ex finally paid the rest of what he owed me for the house. I’ve been stressing about money lately and christmas shopping seemed so dreadful. But he paid me the money and it made my christmas shopping much more enjoyable. I basically got my list of people taken care of. The rest of my christmas shopping is going to be way relaxing. Basically now I can just buy when I see something that makes me thing of someone. The fun thoughtful gifts people wouldn’t think of.
  • This is the second week in a row I’ve kept my social calendar relatively clear. I was getting into a habit of filling it all up. Every evening I had plans. So the moments I was sitting still would hit me like a brick and trigger whatever binge emotions are there. It took me 5 days of chilling out to actually relax and calm my inner cookie (and pizza and really any other carb) monster. It’s funny, I don’t feel bored or lonely in these moments… but maybe there’s something there… about the chaos of life stopping that does trigger it. Been bouncing this around in my head after I realized how relaxed I finally got last Thursday.

So the big ones are in that list…. work, relationships, money… those all felt right this week. Hm… interesting!

Despite being on-call this week, and having that be disruptive to my sleep schedule, I felt completely in control. I decided when and what I was going to eat instead of the cravings deciding for me. Everything I ate was quality food, perfect portions, and once it was done I was done. These moments are so rare it seems. Feels good to be in control.

Let’s do this again next week!

Happy Friday all!

tetris

October 30, 2015

Normally there’s a few days of hormonal catastrophe in my brain and body every month. Usually it manifests itself in a few ways, but always the same order. A¬†day of a manic high and a day or two of deep sadness and disconnectedness. Everything in life sucks and should be changed. IMMEDIATELY. These are the days I cry in my cube and all my male co-workers are cringing and wondering what to do. I have written on my calendar before (because I can predict which day will be the worst – thank you 28 day oral contraceptive) to not make any decisions on this day. Just don’t. Because I would change everything. Job, living situation, relationships with people. This is the only time I argue with co-workers too… unwarranted… well, slightly warranted. I still need SOME¬†provocation.

Anyway… this month I am too high on life to dip into something sad. Instead it manifested in anxiety. I had to calm my nerves about EVERYTHING. My schedule. My exercise routines. My diet. My lack of diet. My bank account. I had things planned for every day this week. I usually do this. And I like it this way. I’ll go out with friends. I’ll spend a little here. a little there. This is routine. I live fine this way. Basically, this is no different from normal. But I freaked out about how I was spending SO MUCH. AND EATING TOO MUCH. AND OMG I NEED A WORKOUT! And isn’t it time to put in a 60 day notice if I need to find a new place if I can’t secure the same rate for rent? I knew that come January my rent was going up by $200. This was FOR SURE a stress point. I hated the thought of moving. But I HATED the thought of spending SO MUCH MONEY ON MY RENT!

Tuesday: I got a great workout in. I decided last week I was going to start a new Strength training routine and some HIIT on the treadmill. And it was a fantastic workout. Kicked some serious ass. (still anxious) Then I showered and met up with my good friend for our annual haunted houses together. We met for drinks (ugh calories) first and he said, “Hey, I forgot I owe you some cash for that event you paid for last month.” OH YEAH! So not only did he buy my drinks, he bought me my haunted house entry fees for the night. SCORE! (still anxious)

Wednesday: I went home to cook up some lunch because a) fewer calories that way. b) less money that way. I came home to a note on my door that was offering a Thanksgiving special on my rent. If I re-upped my lease by November 15 I could secure my current rate. HALLELUJAH! (way less anxious!!!)

Thursday: I have a friend that I ALWAYS see scary movies with. And specifically we have watched every single paranormal activity together in theater. So naturally, we HAD to see the fourth one. Tradition is to get food and beer before hand. She can’t handle the scary without the beer. So I’m still anxious about eating too much, and drinking my calories, and paying for the whole night. She ended up inviting her new boyfriend…. who apparently wants to be her sugar daddy. Ha. Congrats to her, right? Anyway. She asked if I wanted to split a meal. YES! (half the calories, big big fan) A N D her boyfriend picked up the check!

After all that all I paid for all week was 1 movie ticket. I literally swiped my debit card once this week. Anxiety GONE! Everything felt all lined up this week. I like to think I work my calendar like Tetris. It’s probably some weird control issue I have. But also, we have a God that likes to play Tetris too. Sometimes things just line up so dang perfectly!

Happy Friday, all!

Early morning yoga sesh

August 5, 2015

Now, I’m a complete social yogi. I usually only do it if my friends are doing it. I’m not gonna savasana on my own or meditate or whatever in the center of my living room. Do people do that? But I do know I love hot yoga at this particular studio. So when plotting out my workouts for the week I decided it was time to cash in that 4-yoga-sessions package I bought last month.

First off, I stick out like a sore thumb:

  • I’m 165lbs… so next to these sticks… I clearly don’t belong.
  • I’m in a t-shirt… this is of course due to my weight… the cute sports bras looks great on their 115 (or less!!!) pound frame, but if *I* don’t even wanna look at this mid-section….??? You. are. welcome.
  • I don’t know the appropriate names of the poses… so I’m the only one “breaking my flow” to try to figure out what the heck I’m doing!!!! Some times I get an instructor that isn’t so jargon-y and I can follow just fine, but that’s what it takes at this point.
  • I don’t know how to flow with my breathing… its something I wanna get more in-tuned to. After all, this IS yoga.
  • My “practice” doesn’t include anything fancy so when they say “Now, you can stay here or if ____ is included in your practice….” That’s my cue to STAY THERE! So I do that for several deep breaths and occasionally if even that gets lengthy I’ll get into child’s pose…. while of course the rest of the class twists and turns and finesse-ly balances on 2 tiny points of contact.
  • I’m the one taking breaks to wipe off my face. It was a hot yoga class, which i absolutely love, but I’m sweating more than the rest of these people combined!!!!!! Another reason I need the t-shirt. More material to sop that shit up. Maybe I need wrists bands and head bands? lol I’d really stick out then! But how can anyone be expected to balance in any way if their hands keep sliding from the puddles of sweat that fall on the mat?!?! Is no one else having this issue?? I look around and these people are calm, cool, collected, and merely glistening…. I’ll never be that girl. Sigh.

But!!! I do have a few redeeming qualities that help me actually enjoy it:

  • I’m naturally pretty dang flexible.
  • I’ve got great posture and back alignment awareness.
  • My legs are strong (thank you crossfit)… so standing poses feel extremely strong and sturdy. Some of the only times I feel like I belong anywhere near this studio.
  • My core is strong… not expert yogi strong… not hand stand strong… but I can hang with reps and sets of whatever core workout we are incorporating.

Overall it was a great way to start my day. Love to get my sweat on.