Posts Tagged ‘working out’

week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

over it

April 20, 2016

At work I have to be in constant defense mode. I’ve got to be ready for one stupid argument after the next. My male co-workers have learned how easy it is to get a rise out of me. And it’s getting so old so fast. Most days I tolerate it just fine. I jab back. I’m cute. I’m flirty. Blah blah blah. But other days its just old and annoying and I can’t stand any of them.

Like today, I have a cold. I woke up early for a workout. And I have a very painful thing going on with my left eyeball. Maybe it’s a sty under my eyelid?? I don’t know. I just know that it hurts so much.

So, maybe I need more coffee, and maybe I just need to get a couple red flags... but I’m just about over people today.

They like to go out ever so often and drink. And when I mean they like to go out and drink, they want to walk out of the office, go straight to downtown and park themselves at one bar for 3 hours. Get up from that bar… walk 5 steps to the front door of the next bar/restaurant and order a pizza and drink for another 2 or 3 hours. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy this. But I like to go to the gym right after work. I like to consider calories thru the week. I like to be able to take my dog outside before 10 pm that night. They decided we are going out next Monday. And they got completely offended that I said I wouldn’t join them til 6. What!? You all will be out til 9 or 10. I won’t miss a damn thing but maybe 2 rounds.

Why give me a hard time on something? They blame it on how anal I am about my rigid schedule, but this is the first time that I said I might get a workout first before meeting them. I pay a hefty monthly fee for my gym. And I don’t exactly enjoy getting in a morning workout. And obviously if they are upset about me skipping the beginning of hanging out then its out of the question to leave early for a workout…. and after a few beers, that would NOT be enjoyable. I’d never plan that.

I just don’t get the point in the argument. They just sit there and jab and jab and jab and I’m tired. It’s 8:35 and I’m already tired today. They do what they want to do and I should be able to do what I want to do “just because”. None of these guys would adjust their schedule for me… so why do I even consider them in this decision. It’s silly. Next Monday, I’ll workout, I’ll take my dog out, I’ll head downtown… And that’s that.

Day 1

May 13, 2015

My binge eating has been out of this world out of control. And my urge to compensate via exercise is way less than it use to… this means weight gain. and fast. Good news is I know that if I can turn it around I can turn it around quickly. If i spend just 10 days watching what I eat and drink then i’m right back to where i started and even better.

10 days….

of not binging…

That is impossible. I can barely get 1 full day lately…

Why? where is this stemming from? What is so chaotic in my life that I can’t handle it?

Family, ex, risidual guy interest that seems to worm its way in in my vulnerable moments. Then hating myself for that. Fighting that fact that I AM better. Or maybe just want to be better.

A desire should lead to things. A desire to eat less. To force a man to respect me. A desire for my family to leave my ex on the other side of the past. I don’t know. Seems like if I want, then i can do, or force a change. But that’s not true, is it?

I just need 10 days… to feel me again. to feel better about me. to spend loving on myself with good quality food and good quality exercise.

I started the beach body insanity yesterday. It was good. Hard. Room for 60 days worth of improvement. I have high hopes for that. But at the same time, if i can’t go one day without defeating my emotions and its urges? I’m my own sabotage.