Posts Tagged ‘vanilla’

baby girl

May 24, 2017

It hit me like ton of bricks last night… or should I say this morning. It was 3 am and what I needed hit me like a ton of bricks.

I need to be baby girl.

I need to curl up in someone’s lap and have them pet my hair and stroke my cheek and call me baby girl.

I want to collapse against daddy’s chest and know that nothing can harm me. I want a moment when I’m baby girl with no responsibility but being daddy’s good girl.

Sigh.

Here’s the thing. Life isn’t bad at all right now. There’s just a lot of stuff to do. I’m starting my own business. I’m making big decisions. I’m making things happen. I’m doing a good job. I’m forging through. One step in front of the other and it’s not that hard. It’s just a lot.

I’m catching myself self sabotaging a little. And I know now what it is. I need a moment of no decision making. I want to be broken and in a mess and just give it all up. For a few moments.

Vanilla monogamy is tough. And I was told after finding my kink passion that it would be. That sooner or later I’d miss it. That I’d crave it. And I believed them. But what i didn’t want to admit was that I might NEED it.

Do I need it? Feels like it. I know I want it. And I know I’m craving it. I know how amazing it would be to let myself play that role with someone I love and trust as daddy. It’s weird to say “play the role” when I would really be it… A little girl in need of some protection and love and attention and security.

What I wouldn’t give for a daddy dom right now.

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kink ties

February 4, 2016

Quite often I get the, what I call, Cold Call Add on Fetlife. This is when you get a random person requesting to be friends that you have neither a) met in real life or b) exchanged any form of communication with. I typically ignore all these. They just sit there in pending status.

Last weekend I went to a party and met several fellow kinksters. I promptly added all of them… because that’s how it works. You meet people. You like people. You stay connected with people. Pretty average in my opinion.

After adding these gals (and one guy) I noticed for the first time that the people I have in friendship limbo are mutual friends of my new friends. So, on a whim, I hit accept. I accepted 3 friend reqests right then and there for no other reason than having friends in common. In any other mood I probably wouldn’t have acted so impulsively. I’m not an impulsive person. But the deed was done and that was that. Not really that big of a deal in and of itself, in my opinion.

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER I get a message from a panman… “Heard you were packing on the Doms.” Huh? Dom packing? Is that a thing? Is that even desirable???? I didn’t realize that, yes, I indeed added 3 dom types. I barely recognized the fact that they were all male. I didn’t even go check out their profiles. I just impulsively hit accept.

Poor panman. I gave him an anxiety attack because some junior high kid decided to go tattle on me. SERIOUSLY? I didn’t even realize I was doing something tattle worthy. Not to mention, apparently I’m marked as panman’s. That part doens’t bother me. The fact that some little hater out there ran to him to alert him is my issue. I know how he feels about me. And if I was still apart of the community and single I’d be all about some panman. And I definitely understand the claim he (implicitly or explicitly – doesn’t matter in this particular rant) has on me. I just got a really bad taste in my mouth from the whole thing.

I’m glad panman approached me directly about it. I am glad he trusts me enough to believe me. Wonder who else I pissed off by doing so? Wonder who else’s view of me I tarnished by doing that. But I guess their assumptions are a reflections of their character, not mine.

Since I’ve “gone vanilla” with Andy, I question why I’m still on the site anyway. I don’t want to lose those connections is really the only argument I have. And it’s not even a good one. Because why keep this kink world on a string if I also hope to live happily ever after with Andy?

vanilla w/ sprinkles

December 14, 2015

With A…

Drinking with his friends: A’s best friend and his wife. Drinks, drinks, and more drinks! With sides of flat bread and conversation.

Flogging: A pillow case becoming a make shift flogger. Not painful, but oh-so sensual!

Christmas errands: Fighting the mall crowd. ‘Bows out. People watching. Making fun of the masses.

Breath play: with that same pillow case. This will always be my favorite. Rules laid out, safety gestures defined.  I disappear to heaven.

Baking and decorating cookies: He was actually better at decorating than me. I’m far from good at anything creative, but I LOVE to bake. It was nice, too, that he didn’t mind helping. He is so sweet and open and I just can’t say enough about how great A is.

Bruises: “Sorry about that.” um…. DON’T BE! I LOVE souvenirs. Being away from each other through the week makes bruises a nice reminder. His claim on me even when we aren’t in the same town. Not his intentions but of course that’s how I like to feel it.

Grocery shopping: I love when the mundane becomes so enjoyable. Random hugs and squeezes and kisses  while pushing a cart down the baking aisle. I’m sorry to all those that have issues with PDA, but I’m never turning down those random touches for anything.

Happy Monday, all!

vanilla drop?

November 11, 2015

I didn’t recognize it as ‘sub’ space when I was there. But I crashed just the same.

Me and Andy had just finished up, and I went to the bathroom per my usually post-sex routine. But it hit me hard and I immediately went to back to him. I curled up onto him. I couldn’t stop shaking. Usually I have some sort of control on it… whether its a small stifling or flat out stopping it…. Shakes came hard and fast and frequent. Violent almost. I could feel the tears sitting on the inside of my cheeks, threatening to push up and out.

He kept asking if I was okay. I could barely get out a ‘yes.’ How do I explain a subdrop to someone vanilla? All I could say (after quite some time and fumbling over words) was that I must have just let my self go up too high. He was really sweet about it. He didn’t mind my crying. He encouraged it. He said that he’d rather me cry in his arms than without him.

I feel like Sir has tapped into a dam. He opened me up to whatever that was. And whatever it is is STILL open. And without feeding my masochism.. I didn’t really know that could happen. And it all still kind of confuses me. Do people experience this? I never have before out side of a d/s scene. I mean, yes I shake some, not to that extent tho, and never the crying.

The next time we had sex he took time to bring me down. I didn’t advise him that I thought he should. Or give him any ques at all on how to possibly make my drop a little easier. He rubbed my back all over. Petting me. Large round strokes on my bare skin. I don’t know how he knew to do that. It was so sweet. I’m not sure if it’s something he researched… I try not to talk about d/s stuff with him at all, but I have told him a lot in the past… I just don’t talk about it anymore with him. So I’m not even sure there was something he would know to look up. I’m just really happy that he learned from an experience that I didn’t even know there was something to learn from. It was a very sweet gesture.

Have any of you experienced this?