Posts Tagged ‘submissive’

kink ties

February 4, 2016

Quite often I get the, what I call, Cold Call Add on Fetlife. This is when you get a random person requesting to be friends that you have neither a) met in real life or b) exchanged any form of communication with. I typically ignore all these. They just sit there in pending status.

Last weekend I went to a party and met several fellow kinksters. I promptly added all of them… because that’s how it works. You meet people. You like people. You stay connected with people. Pretty average in my opinion.

After adding these gals (and one guy) I noticed for the first time that the people I have in friendship limbo are mutual friends of my new friends. So, on a whim, I hit accept. I accepted 3 friend reqests right then and there for no other reason than having friends in common. In any other mood I probably wouldn’t have acted so impulsively. I’m not an impulsive person. But the deed was done and that was that. Not really that big of a deal in and of itself, in my opinion.

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER I get a message from a panman… “Heard you were packing on the Doms.” Huh? Dom packing? Is that a thing? Is that even desirable???? I didn’t realize that, yes, I indeed added 3 dom types. I barely recognized the fact that they were all male. I didn’t even go check out their profiles. I just impulsively hit accept.

Poor panman. I gave him an anxiety attack because some junior high kid decided to go tattle on me. SERIOUSLY? I didn’t even realize I was doing something tattle worthy. Not to mention, apparently I’m marked as panman’s. That part doens’t bother me. The fact that some little hater out there ran to him to alert him is my issue. I know how he feels about me. And if I was still apart of the community and single I’d be all about some panman. And I definitely understand the claim he (implicitly or explicitly – doesn’t matter in this particular rant) has on me. I just got a really bad taste in my mouth from the whole thing.

I’m glad panman approached me directly about it. I am glad he trusts me enough to believe me. Wonder who else I pissed off by doing so? Wonder who else’s view of me I tarnished by doing that. But I guess their assumptions are a reflections of their character, not mine.

Since I’ve “gone vanilla” with Andy, I question why I’m still on the site anyway. I don’t want to lose those connections is really the only argument I have. And it’s not even a good one. Because why keep this kink world on a string if I also hope to live happily ever after with Andy?

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his b-day wish and my pedestal

February 1, 2016

Panman has expressed a birthday wish to me. A plea really….

He wants to paint my canvas. He wants to bruise me. He wants to use his new toys on me.

Me.

Aside from wishing someone would beat me and leave me so bad off I’m marked for a week, I would love to give him what he wants for his birthday. He’s so sweet to me. He treats me like a princess. And I don’t know that I’ve known this treatment from anyone else at quite the level he offers it.

It comes from somewhere extremely deep. From his DNA. He does it effortlessly. It’s like, the things he does for me aren’t sacrifices. Usually when you treat people well, or if you are trying to make someone else happy you pull that from a place of sacrifice. You decide the sacrifice is worth it. But… it’s not a sacrifice for him. It’s not costing him anything. I don’t know how to explain it except that he truly makes me believe his only aim is to make me happy. And my happiness equals his happiness. Period. End of story. No strings.

I’ve had guys say this. “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” I’ve had parents say this. But always always they have proved otherwise or they have shown sacrifice. And there is NOTHING wrong with making sacrifices for other’s happiness. It’s a trait that good people possess. We do this at least a few times daily without even realizing it. And I’ve had guys willing to sacrifice a SHIT TON to make me happy. But my point is… there’s no sacrifice from panman.

I’m not forgetting about Andy here. I’m not. I’m not jumping in bed with panman. I’m not ending things with Andy. Andy is still very much in the picture. I’d have to ask Andy about letting panman scene me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that conversation yet. I have a few months to figure that one out tho.

I just needed to say it. I feel like I’m using panman just being around him. But I never ask for anything. And in his opinion I shouldn’t have to ask. I want to pull myself off the pedestal in his brain where I sit. I’m too clumsy to be sitting that high.

vanilla drop?

November 11, 2015

I didn’t recognize it as ‘sub’ space when I was there. But I crashed just the same.

Me and Andy had just finished up, and I went to the bathroom per my usually post-sex routine. But it hit me hard and I immediately went to back to him. I curled up onto him. I couldn’t stop shaking. Usually I have some sort of control on it… whether its a small stifling or flat out stopping it…. Shakes came hard and fast and frequent. Violent almost. I could feel the tears sitting on the inside of my cheeks, threatening to push up and out.

He kept asking if I was okay. I could barely get out a ‘yes.’ How do I explain a subdrop to someone vanilla? All I could say (after quite some time and fumbling over words) was that I must have just let my self go up too high. He was really sweet about it. He didn’t mind my crying. He encouraged it. He said that he’d rather me cry in his arms than without him.

I feel like Sir has tapped into a dam. He opened me up to whatever that was. And whatever it is is STILL open. And without feeding my masochism.. I didn’t really know that could happen. And it all still kind of confuses me. Do people experience this? I never have before out side of a d/s scene. I mean, yes I shake some, not to that extent tho, and never the crying.

The next time we had sex he took time to bring me down. I didn’t advise him that I thought he should. Or give him any ques at all on how to possibly make my drop a little easier. He rubbed my back all over. Petting me. Large round strokes on my bare skin. I don’t know how he knew to do that. It was so sweet. I’m not sure if it’s something he researched… I try not to talk about d/s stuff with him at all, but I have told him a lot in the past… I just don’t talk about it anymore with him. So I’m not even sure there was something he would know to look up. I’m just really happy that he learned from an experience that I didn’t even know there was something to learn from. It was a very sweet gesture.

Have any of you experienced this?

released

October 28, 2015

Things with Andy are amazing. I can’t believe how much I feel for someone so quickly.

I spoke with Sir T about my struggles about keeping them both. It was becoming harder and harder to be intimate with Sir T because it felt like that part should be saved for only Andy. I know, this is my monogamous conditioning… but it’s how I feel… And no matter how right or wrong it is on anyone’s spectrum, I have to follow my own feelings and my own “right”.

We talked about this for about a week. Going over options. Educating me a bit more on the different types of love. Giving me tools to make up my own mind. No matter the outcome of the discussions it always came down to this: Andy IS monogamous. I can’t expect him to be okay with this for too much long. Also, my goal in life is a husband and kids. How will that work with my other *hobbies*?

I was feeling like this kink part of me was becoming a selfish part of me.

After several hours of conversation Sir T released me from his reign. He released me.

😦

There is so much more to it. It’s so hard to explain this huge bond I was developing with Sir T. It feels stronger than gravity. How do you defy gravity? What have I done here? He made cry with him. He is so good at knowing what is better for me. My own way would be to leave quickly, get in my car, and sob like a baby while I drive. My car… that’s my crying space. But he kept me there… holding me while I let it out. Making sure I knew he loved me and that I knew it was okay. That he still wants to be apart of my life. Soothing my fears of him hating me for not being able to be poly.

Over the next few days I couldn’t get over the urges to check in. While I was entirely relieved that I was only committed to one man, I felt a bit on the lost side. This is so crazy. I don’t understand how I can have such a strong bond with people in such a short time. It’s as if Sir T brainwashed me in the best way. But he didn’t realize that in doing so he was the one to open me up to Andy. He was the one that put me in a place to fully walk into this new amazing relationship.

About this brainwashing… For the first time in my life I feel pretty. I feel sexy. And I don’t feel fat. Let me say that again, because I promise you didn’t feel how big that is. I don’t feel fat! Consistently. As in… I look in the mirror and my body image is becoming less and less of an issue. How and when the hell did THIS happen??? I can’t get over what Sir T has given me. I will never get over it. I will always be in amazement over it. How did he know exactly how to get me to this place? He was so much more than some kinky partner. He was my life coach. He was my protector. He was who I sought for advice. I was so open with him. And he rewarded me for it.

I’ve spoken to him since the release… and he wants to get together to talk about possible options with us and possibly continuing our relationship with different boundaries set up. Boundaries that allow me to feel faithful to Andy and still have this part of me living… I have so much to think about.

fun for a sadist

October 21, 2015

In the middle of a movie he takes off his belt. Sets it next to him on my couch.

For most men when the belt comes off it’s like a woman taking off her bra. It’s the release of a day. It’s getting cozy and comfy and retreating to the blissful end of day.

When a sadist takes off his belt… It’s never about comfy and cozy. It’s methodical. You can bet that belt choice was made before leaving the house with knowledge of its dual purpose.

So, Sir takes off his belt and sets it aside. I take note. But my attention span isn’t that great. I get lost in the movie within minutes. I lay my head on his lap, which I don’t normally do, but it felt right.

He starts to pet me. I love being pet. It’s a turn on. It’s calming. It’s one of those things that always make me want more. I always find myself silently begging when I’m being pet. Hair, down my side, hips…. all my favorite spots over and over again. He loops his belt around my neck. Pulled taught, but not adding pressure yet. But this is enough for me to go from silent begging to a complete change in breathing. I know he notices that. It’s why he did it. Nothing is on accident. The petting continued.

I don’t remember if we finished the movie. He switches from petting to pulling the belt tight around my neck. I’m in sensory heaven. I love that feeling in my head when the oxygen is cut off. My whole body reacts. I’m instantly desperate for everything. I just want more. Of anything.

He stands me up. He always takes his time taking off my clothes. I’m getting use to this part of the routine. Its the only constant from scene to scene. He pulls my shirt off. Takes off my bra. The belt still hanging from my neck. He unzips my jeans. Pushes them down. I step out of them. He puts my hands in cuffs… and connects those cuffs to a spreader bar laying across the back of my neck. He takes the hanging belt and fastens it to the bar too. Clamps my nipples. Shoves my face into the couch, forcing my knees to the ground.

His phone starts ringing… I hate reality checks during scenes. hate hate hate. I wanna stay gone. But then I realize he is the one making the call… on speaker! Wait… VIDEO CALL??? I am pulled out of this scene hard!

It’s his best friend… she’s also a sub… not his. “I thought you forgot about me!?” She was in bed waiting on his call. ha. They planned a chit chat in the middle of our scene?? Talk about a sadist. He’s laughing at me. I haven’t met this girl yet. So… hello lady… yes, these are nipple clamps. and yeah, my forehead is stuck to the couch… Don’t mind this pretty little belt on my neck… Glad I could meet you and you could see me naked all in the same moment. To be fair, she pulls out a boob too. Why thank you. She’s actually really cute. Dark hair. Dark eyes. She didn’t really acknowledge the peculiar state I was in. Gotta love fellow kinksters.

He randomly cuts off my oxygen as they continue the conversation – making sure to aim the camera at my face… as I can’t help but react – because it’s what I do when my oxygen is being played with.

Sometimes a scene is sexy…. and sometimes it’s just sadist-y.

weekend with Andy

October 14, 2015

What an incredible weekend! Everything I felt for Andy before is only intensified. I CANNOT get enough. I dont’ think we spent a total of 20 seconds without touching each other in some form or fashion.

Everything was amazing from snuggling on the couch watching Star Wars to hiking and chilling at the bar with a few of my friends from out of town.

As we were cuddling on Saturday afternoon on my couch I had an overwhelming urge to body worship this man. I’ve NEVER body worshiped anyone or felt this urge before. I wanted to kiss every single spot on this man’s body. Not just to cover him, but to appreciate him. I didn’t ever say this, nor did I fully act on it, but I still can’t get over the sentiment and how powerful an urge it was. Maybe because Sir has been immersing me so much in my submission lately that it is a normal progression to feel. That my submissive side is being triggered by life in general. Even with someone I don’t have a d/s relationship with. This urge was so intense. I wonder if I could do this for him some day…. I kind of wish I would’ve just gone with it. I should’ve.

I am a big fan of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I believe this book has some great points about how we feel loved and instinctively show love. I think a lot of couples are not missing the amount of love it takes to stay together and flourish, but I do believe that there can be a huge displacement of how we show love versus how our partners feel loved. I feel like Andy’s natural way of showing how he cares, by using his words and touch, is 100% compatible with how my “love tank” is filled up. My love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. Andy is quick to compliment. Quick to verbalize his feelings for me, and like I mentioned above we were constantly touching. I couldn’t have felt more for him if I tried! I know its early and feelings are always butterflies and rainbows at this stage… but I haven’t felt this complete in a long long long long time.

Sir did give me a few rules for the weekend. 1) No fucking in the ass. 2) He wasn’t allowed to cum inside me – in any of me.

This was surprisingly difficult to do. I had to tell Andy the rules, because there is no way I could’ve done that alone. We followed the rules successfully! (I forgot how many towels you can go thru with the pull out method. Ha!) But we managed and it didn’t detract from any of it. The sex was amazing. All of it. Every time. Every moment. I don’t get why having rules turns me on. I don’t understand this at all. But having tasks… putting things on my to-do (and to-don’t) list with Andy… only made me hotter!

Andy LOVED the lingerie. He mentioned it several times over the weekend how much he enjoyed it. “Have to send him a thank you note!” That one made me giggle. He’s so easy going. And open about everything. I asked him again about how he felt about our situation… about me and Sir… to see if any body language betrayed what he was saying. Everything he said felt honest and understanding. I can hardly believe how cool he is being about it.

He left on Sunday afternoon and my feels are still tingling like crazy. I’m loving missing him and longing for him. Feels amazing. I love the “I miss you” texts and full blown conversations about just wanting to be together… I love all of it. I know at some point this longing will become painful and urgent, but right now I’m just basking in the fact that I actually feel this way about someone and that HE DOES TOO!

what next?

October 7, 2015

When beginning my Dom search I was heart broken from my break up from M. I didn’t have any desire to date anyone else. I didn’t have the energy. I didn’t have enough heart space for it. Definitely not enough brain space.

Investing in my kink seemed like a really good recovery maneuver. Find someone that would give me more experiences. Find more things I like. And didn’t like. Find my limits. Find out what I was capable of. So I met with a few people. Played with another. Then Sir T entered scene.

But somewhere in my search, M began to take up less and less space without me even realizing it. Then I look up one day and I’m super pumped about Andy! But… now what? My dom made it clear that he is poly. If I see someone I want or gain feelings for someone, he wouldn’t stand in the way of that. He never wants to interfere with it. But this is such a foreign idea to me.

First, I felt guilty for having done anything with Andy in the first place. I felt I had betrayed my Dom. But I didn’t. I stayed within the rules of our relationship. But I still couldn’t speak about this with him that easily.

Second, there is no way in HELL Andy would understand any of this.

Third, this Andy thing is way too early to be breaking other commitments in my life just for him, right? But is this fair to ask of him? There are two kinds of guys in this world: the kind that casually date and the kind that don’t. And I had a feeling Andy was the latter. As he well deserves commitment from someone. He was expressing a lot more feelings than someone casual. It felt way more than casual and it was JUST THE BEGINNING. It never felt casual with Andy. I never felt, as he dragged me to his truck, that he was looking for a one night stand. And a girl knows these things whether she admits it out loud or not.

Fourth, I thought this was a cross roads. I have to pick one or the other. But how do I do that at this point? But I knew that I’d have to.

So, I finally put on my big girl panties and brought it up with Sir T. I brought with me all my feelings of guilt and shame and all my tendencies that try to spare everyone’s feelings. Then something happened that I’m just not woman enough to wrap my mind around! He was happy for me. He was excited. He was…. encouraging.

Now, I knew he was poly and this still CAUGHT ME COMPLETELY OFF GUARD! I expected jealousy. I expected him to talk me out of it. I expected some sort of guilt trip. There was zero of that. Knowing about poly and experiencing it is absolutely different. It’s so freeing to be able to discuss someone you have strong feelings for with someone you are in a sexual relationship with.

After sharing my excitement I asked, “What next?” And he dove right in. He went through different scenarios that he’s been involved in. How it worked. How it failed. Different options I had. He had his Dom eyes on while coaching me through it. Those eyes that draw respect and appreciation out of me so fast that it amazes me every time.

Basically I had three options.

1) Sir T would be a ghost. We make sure we don’t leave marks. We don’t tell Andy about it. I hated this option. I was feeling way too much for him to lie to him. Lying seeps into all parts of my brain and saturates the whole relationship and completely soaks it in gasoline… the smallest spark blows it up.

2) Tell him I’m poly. Explain what this means to me: I have someone else in my life I want to keep. He can get on board or walk away. I wouldn’t open up about the kink side of my life. We would still have to worry about marks and bruising.

3) Put everything on the table. Explain about my d/s relationship and the purpose it serves in my life and why I want to keep it. Explain that it is an open relationship. And again, he chooses if he can handle being apart of that or not.

I went with option 3. And I did it while still in my big girl panties and still empowered by Sir T’s advice. I called Andy. “I have something I’d like to discuss with you, but I need three things from you before we start. I need you to listen, keep an open mind, then tell me what you need.” And I jumped in. Explaining my submissive role and my masochistic needs that Sir T satiates. I left nothing out. I couldn’t believe I was saying all this.

Andy’s response was even more incredible than Sir T’s. “I can keep an open mind. I can get on board with this.”

WHAT!?!? My heart exploded in that moment!

tasks

October 4, 2015
Sir T gives me tasks almost daily. Some are simple, some are more involved. Download this app. Send me a pic. Text me at 1pm. Research this or that. Text him when you get to work in the morning.
One particular task had me a bit nervous. “Buy a chrome or glass butt plug to begin anal training.”
I read that a few times. Lol. Do what now?
The only reason I even knew what this was is from a blog I follow here are wordpress. Thank you, thrillofthechaste. Him and his wife were working on her training and enjoying it, I might add!
So, I start the research phase. What does it look like? Where does one get this shit from? All the retail chains and places I’ve heard of before didn’t have any in a smaller size and the material I was instructed to find.
I finally found one. Sent him a the link – per his instructions. And he gave me the go-ahead. I ordered it. Thank the lord for discrete shipping! Brilliant! 🙂
After it was delivered we had a… “training session”… if you will. Basically he showed me how to use it. How am I so innocent and naive and bashful and so not at the same time?!?! Overall it went well. I was a “good girl.” 🙂
The next task the next day… is more of an on-going rule: Carry it every where I go. OMG. Nu uh. In my purse!?!? “Yes, sir.”
This means for the past few weeks I’ve had it in my purse… when I’m at work. Going to church (is this sacrilegious or blasphemous?). Um… bowling WITH MY CHURCH GROUP. Hanging out with my MOM. On a date. And just everywhere. You get the picture. I know that this means some day in the near future his task for the day will be for me to put it “on”…. should be interesting. I haven’t “handled” it enough to trust that it’ll stay put! Oh lord. What if it doesn’t stay put!??!?!?!??!?!? I can’t think about that.
I actually love the tasks. It’s a way to be submissive without him there. It’s nice to be able to tell him I’ve done it. Or take a picture for proof. Or anything really. And I like being taken out of my comfort zone. There’s a definite pride associated with it. I won’t say no to him… so, no matter how uncomfortable, timid, shy, unsure of what I’m doing – I’ll get it done. I’ll make it happen. For him.
Tasks… it’s definitely been interesting and a very odd place for pride to stem from. I like it.

birthday spankings

September 30, 2015

wheel barrow spankings… mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I didn’t know about these. If you don’t know what these are… let me explain. My only point of reference were wheel barrow races. lol So I concluded I’d be inverted. Ding ding ding!

He sat in a chair. My forearms were on the ground as if I were doing planks, but the lower half of my body was resting on his legs and the arms of the chair. Setting my ass right in the middle of his lap, face up. In between very loud smacks he would rub over the reddened areas. So good. The combination of the spankings and caressing was completely intoxicating.

This was followed by 50 feet of nylon rope and a cane. Dragonfly harness… Another new item on my list! I loved it. Honestly, the best part about being tied up, is similar to my wax experience. I liked watching him work. Watching him think through every loop and knot and wrap. Time spent on me. Full focus. I can’t get enough of that. He led me to the mirror afterwards. Let me admire his work. It was beautiful. Wish I had a prettier canvas for him to work on. He pulled on the back… explaining that this is the kind of harness that would allow me to be strung up into the air and not hurt. And I believe that. I could be suspended and the gravity of my body and rope wouldn’t hurt. It was so thickly done. I loved the thought. Too bad we didn’t have those resources.

He pull my cane out. (Hehe. “My” cane… I just mean my favorite one of his… his thickest one… which is still no thicker than my thumb.) I didn’t know this but he was shooting for 28 – how old I am now. He made it to 17 before he stopped. I never called the safety word, but I guess I was welting up enough for him to stop. Lol Merciful. Every single thud felt unbearable and safety word worthy…. but I just want to feel it. I want to see how far I can be taken. How much can I bear? I want to get there… to where it is truly unbearable… instead of just close to it. It’s a weird feeling to want it to stop and want it to last longer at the same time. I just… can’t really put the words together well enough to do the feeling justice.

The rest of the evening was very much about me.

Happy birthday to me 🙂

wax

September 24, 2015
I wasn’t nervous till he asked me to pick which color I wanted first.
Decisions always trigger my nerves. Especially when my dom is involved. Isn’t he the all time decision maker? So I pick fast. White. The candles have been heating since before we started making dinner.
He approaches me slowly. Kneeling beside me. Looks at me. Naked on the floor. Then into my eyes. Taking my temperature again. I must have passed the test because he tilted the jar. I braced myself.
The wax hits my skin. Warm, not hot at all. Nothing hurts. I relax some. He continues to pour. Like an artist with a paint brush and me, his canvas… he continues to pour slowing.
After each candle is spent he asks for the next color. We go through them all. White, Green, Red, Blue, Red again…
As the wax is spilling and splattering and rolling down my skin…. the warmth hardens. It feels nice. No pain. Just pleasure. He is concentrating on my body so intently. And I’m looking into his eyes as he paints. Watching the directions his eyes shift. I enjoy someone enjoying my body – a submissive trait, for sure.
I kept thinking what’s next? What will happen when he is finished? What will his pleasure be? Then the answer comes… in the form of a paint scraper.
I laugh to myself. While he was enjoying being the artist… he knew the scraper was coming. I’m happy about this too – a masochist trait, for sure