Posts Tagged ‘sex’

The build up

June 9, 2017

I get on my knees and lower my chin. His text said he’d be here at 5:03… Just like him to be so precise… And you know what? It’ll be exactly 5:03. It’ 5:01 now.

2 minutes seems like an eternity. This longing comes from deep inside of me. It builds and builds something I can’t quite put into words.

Today has been on the calendar for weeks. I hate that I only see him once a month. But it’s how it must be…. Because of Her. I hate that there’s a her. Truth be told, there’s a him too. But… anyway.

I feel the ground under my knees. It gets harder every second. But I like it. It’s for him. He deserves it. It deserves all my sacrifice. All the pain. All the passion.

I wish I could see my phone. Has it been a minute yet? 2?

My body jolts when I hear a car door close. His car door. My chest is filling up. It’s going to explode!

Panic sets in for a second… Am I ready? Am I perfect? hair, braided. Clothes, off. Toys, cleaned. Room, ready for play time. Candles, lit. Yes, it’s perfect.

The door knob rattled matching her own nerves. I force myself to keep my chin and eyes down. Hands in lap. Chest bear save for the necklace he bought me last year on our 3 year anniversary.

The door opens. Slowly. Always slowly. He knows whats happening inside of me and he loves to exploit that. Jerk. Ugh… but I love it. I can’t wait to feel his hand on my chin. Permission to me to look into those beautiful endless eyes.

He takes his time, as usual. He slowly undresses. And stands over me. I don’t know how long this goes on. My body aches so badly for his touch. But I’d just give anything to just look up at him! But I dare not sneak a peak before permission is granted. It’s ok. It makes it better. And he knows it. Oh how he loves what he does to me. Can you imagine having power over someone without even touching them? It’s haunting.

“Baby girl.” He whispers… The huskiness in his voice makes it almost inaudible at that decibel… but I know exactly what he said. I hear it in my sleep sometimes. I wake up in tears when I realize he’s not holding me. But he’s here now.

Finally! I tremble as his hand guides my gaze up to his. It never ceases to amaze me how powerful this moment is after all these years. I couldn’t live knowing this moment would never happen again. This. Like gravity… a law of physics in my life. Always, with no exception pulling me in.

As I match his gaze he gets bigger and bigger. Maybe I do hold some power after all. He taps the side of my face with his growing cock. I follow the cue and devour it. I’m instantly wet. And he instantly snaps to full size. My insides want so much. The desire within me is growing in volume that it consumes my ears… Of course in reality all that is escaping from me are the quiet moans as I take him deep into my mouth. I grab both sides of his hips with my two hands. It came out a little more forceful than I expected it to. I steal a glance at his face to see if he noticed. He most definitely did! He leans down. With one even motion he cups my elbows and lifts me off my knees and throws me onto the bed.

I let out a giggle as a wicked grin appears on his face.

whoops

September 12, 2016

I feel like that’s been a blog title before in the past… won’t be the last!!

So… remember the whole celibacy thing? yeah. I slipped up.

Actually it was more than a small slip up. It was a whirly shit show of an amazing night. But… I definitely took it too far this time. DEFINITELY.

My morality compass just took the biggest nose dive I’ve ever taken!

So let me incriminate myself a little by divulging…

Went out with my friends on friday. It started out super casual. I’ve got jeans on and a v-neck. Beers at a local brewery. The game was on. I don’t care at all about football but my girlfriend was wanting to watch. So we sat and drank from mid-second quarter to how ever many overtimes it took for us to win. Whatever. Not the important part.

After that a couple of other girls joined us. One was my best friend. They came dressed to impressed and ready to party. Clearly they were looking for something more than low key brewery.

So we packed up and went to an Irish pub. This also was NOT good enough for them. I was having a perfectly fine time. In fact I talked to an old man at the bar about our religious and spiritual back grounds and… well… fore grounds I guess. It was fun and he introduced me to a new drink. The Colorado Bull Dog. YUM!!! So you see, this was the type of evening I was happy to be having.

My friends, still being unsatisfied talked me into the next location. My original friend dropped out at this point. We decided on a new place. Never been, but you can’t be picky after 1am in Little Rock.

We go. We sit and drink. Hangout. My best friend’s friend is getting annoyed and I can’t tell why. But I have a feeling it was because she wasn’t being hit on like crazy. She’s insanely gorgeous and is probably use to being out and fawned over 100 % of the time. It just wasn’t the type of place and we weren’t mingling. We were just sitting at a table. I was still happy. Of course, I had zero expectation. We are there til about 4am.

As I’m walking to my car someone starts coming at me asking if I’m going to the cowboy. Which is one of only 4 places still open in town. I say, “Nope! Headed home!” But I stand there while he closes the gap between us. We talk. We flirt. It’s getting a bit cold out and I start to rub my hands on my arms to warm up with the friction. He grabs me and says here I’ll warm you up. And he hugs me. It’s nice. He’s cute. The flirting has been way too fun to resist the touch.

He starts talking about cuddling… and lets be honest for a second. Cuddling is something that all humans crave. Strangers. Loved ones. We just need to be touched. It’s our nature. Guys use this line because it works! It’s not just me. It’s not just my slutty tendencies. It’s just too damn appealing. “Your place or mine?” We chose mine because it was closer.

We stayed out by his truck for a minute in my parking lot so that he could smoke a cigarette. Sat on his tailgate. He’s one of those truck driving, country listening guys. But hey, I listen to country.

He asked if I had any alcohol inside. My only thought was what about the cuddling??? We talk more about more things. we flirt even more. It’s all just one big flirt tho, so lets not kid ourselves into thinking that this is in any way a life changing conversation. I don’t remember how the subject came up. Coke. Something he rarely does, but at their first location that night someone was offering and he went for it. I’ve never done this. And I’m trying to figure out how he brought it up in a way that made me react the way I did.

I basically said that I don’t do drugs. I’m not against trying anything once, but also my family has some strong addictive tendencies so any use scares me. He lit up a the “try anything once” phrase.

“Wanna try it with me?”

“Um…”

And that was that. We partied. Did a line. Laughed a lot. Did a line. Then clothes came off. And we were all over the place. Everywhere. Repeat. For hours and hours. While I do think I crossed a line that I don’t want to continue down, I can admit that I had a great time. And the conversations after doing it…

My mind opened up. My anxiousness lifted. I said what I wanted. I wasn’t blocked by being nervous. It’s like I knew what I felt and I knew what I wanted. And guys, I rarely feel that certain about what I want and feel. I can barely get words around those ideas. But it became easy. And that is the part I enjoyed. That part felt good.

It was reckless. Yet again, I’m being reckless. So… let the cycle continue. Taking my control back. All of it.

Can’t help but feel this line was just too far out there this time tho. I’m beating myself up over it. And it’s definitely warranted.

lets look

August 12, 2016

I want to look back today. I want to examine. Analyze. Think think think on recent past. I want to dive into it!

Why? I’m not sure. To look for some science in it all. Explanations. Causation? I don’t know. But I feel strong today (after a few very tearful/hormonal days).

How far back? Let me see.

R. You never loved me. I’m not sure why you told me that. What were you really feeling? I think that maybe in the moments of “what if” and “maybe” its easy to sink into the best feelings. Humans, for some reason against all evidence and outcomes and past experiences, are hopeful. Hope. It’s not rational. But ironically it does keep us sane. I find that fascinating. But I digress.

M. It WAS about sex, huh? Man! I would’ve bet my life against that one. I truly thought you were just damaged and needed some guidance to prove otherwise. That was silly of me. This took me A FULL YEAR AFTER THE BREAKUP to realize it. Time does heal some things. Gah. This one really does feel good to come to terms with. I spent so much energy trying to figure this out thru the entire thing. Deciphering meanings from words and actions and the way the words and actions didn’t match. Some times its confusing because we want the opposite of what we are hearing but really it’s that simple. It’s just that we chose to cover our ears and disregard our gut. Our hearts are bigger than our brains. We think if we just feel enough we can over power what is actually going on. Willing everything into love and happily ever after.

Andy. What happened? I jumped too soon. Way way way way too soon. I saw a glimpse of something I LOVED! And then failed to re-evaluate as I went. I just pushed on chasing that glimpse. But that light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t at all what I thought. Andy stopped putting effort into the whole thing about 5 minutes in… I bathed in those 5 minutes. Then I bottled up that feeling and went back to it every time reality fell short. Why was this okay with me at the time? But again, I had that darn hope that makes no sense to have. Hope that those first 5 minutes would be my reality again and again with him. It wasn’t going to happen.

Mitch. Holy fuck you ruined my existence. Still. I’m still spinning. I wanted all of you forever. You never let me down. Until you walked away. You didn’t want this. And you left this. It came on sudden and it ended sudden. Easy come easy go? Not sure easy is the word I’d use tho. This guy caused more baggage than my divorce. I will forever not trust the words of someone that speaks so passionately and with such enthusiasm… SHARED enthusiasm. Still spinning. The things I felt here… felt like forever. For the first time I felt forever. Spinning.

Not much analysis there I suppose. But so many thoughts. So many feelings. So many open ended questions. No closure here. The only hope (there’s that word again) is that time will turn this into something other than a ‘what if’ and ‘the one that got away’.

I think I’ve decided that once he turned my world upside down… I’m not sitting here waiting on the world to turn right side up again. I can only re learn how to navigate with gravity pulling in the opposite direction. I’m learning.

I guess if we are using the world flipping analogy that I’m grateful its a sphere… hey looky there. Gravity is pulling in the same direction as it was before. Maybe it’s not too bad after all, huh? Sigh… And we were always spinning.

Discarded. Mitch, you gave me my new biggest fear in life. You discarded me. It’s way worse than rejected. Who knew?

Trey. I’m just so sorry I did that to you. I did things to you that guys have done to me and I hate that I might have left you feeling the way they’ve made me feel. I’m sorry. There were moments I really did what us… but ultimately its the picture I wanted. You just filled in my gap of pain… You didn’t fit perfectly but I selfishly kept you there to help appease my broken heart. It just wasn’t right. And no excuse is good enough. It was shitty. I was shitty.

This post felt like healing. It feels good. Not everything in it is good obviously. But this one felt good to get out of my finger tips.

the decision

July 13, 2016

I don’t know why I’m linking my sexual freedom and my broken heart.

Maybe its the logical connection tho.

I feel like if I can control one it might take the edge off the other. I’m still in so much pain. My constant state of being is being broken. My heart is aching all the time. Sometimes its a subtle throb and other times I physically have to stop and catch my breath while holding back tears.

So… Celibacy. 4 months. Let’s hope it’s the road to some healing. Or in the least help me find a better pattern… Find a better MO when it comes to dating and finding someone to spend my life with.

I don’t feel pathetic making that a goal in life. It’s very human. That constant search for my other half. It’s instinctual. I do hope to have peace about it tho. I hope it becomes somewhat less nagging in my heart and brain (and ovaries).

It’s not like it’s my only goal in life. But I won’t deny it’s HUGE! I’m okay with that. But peace would be good. Less pain would be great.

Let’s see what happens here.

firsts with trey part 2

July 13, 2016

After the date we spent the night together. It was our first night spent together. Normally we do our thing and we part ways for the night. Not this night. He had been asking this for this for weeks. Sweet, huh?

4am I wake up to him on top of me. I try not to react in a panic. I just kind of shoo him off like I’d do with my puppy…. small tap tap tap on his side. He does this not so subtle move 2 more times. Or was it 3? I do the same tap tap shoo shoo. Trying not to make a big deal so I can drift back to sleep. I couldn’t have been sleeping long… 2 hours since we drifted off maybe? I was way out of it. And also way disturbed by how he’s going about this.

He mumbles something under his breath. Something about being a boy and how he’ll just keep trying, poking, pawing, prodding if he stays. He leaves.

He left. After our first real date. During our first actual night together.

I’m a highly seduce-able woman. I mean, to a dirty fault. But there are a few buttons you have to hit first. They are ALL over me, so just pick one. Two for good measure if you like. I assure you climbing on me won’t get you there. Going straight for my un-swollen and un-provoked clit… it won’t help you either. Especially from a dead sleep. It’s hard to even apologize for not going for a round two without the tiniest of effort.

We just had the conversation that night about how I worried about being only wanted in the physical sense. How guys tend to stop making an effort after a few months of a physical relationship. My insecurities were laid out on the table. He looked hurt that I even said I was scared of that being a possibility with him….

Even after all that he couldn’t spend just 2 more hours in my bed til morning light before leaving?

Actions speak louder than words, as they say. And these screamed at me.

In the next few days I told him I decided to go celibate. (I decided on 4 months… couldn’t even commit to 6! But that is a whole other post.) He still assured me he wanted to spend time with me. And because I know it can be a lifestyle change for some I told him he didn’t have to feel bad for seeing other people.

After all, I kind of changed the terms of whatever we are… I went from wrecking ball, only gonna get sex to prove to me you like as you say. So… I gave him an out if he wanted it. And an open option. At least I won’t be worried about my health in the mean time. He assured me he wasn’t dating any one and he still wanted to hang out, date, and get to know me.

We’ve hung out a few times since. He’s tried to make a move. And I brushed him off a few night’s in a row before reminding him of my decision. He looked at me as if I was saying it for the first time. He had hurt and confusion in his eyes. Like I was rejecting him personally. I feel okay making a selfish decision like this. And I understand it would be hard not to take it personal. And I know some part of him thinks he can seduce this decision away. (And don’t get me started on this issue. That one is definitely another post on it’s own.)

We had a date with our dogs at the dog park set up for the following day, for yesterday evening… but he bailed. Coincidence?

Celibacy?

June 19, 2016

So I’ve had an interesting thought swimming in my brain the last few days. 

A dude cleanse. 

And I don’t mean friendships. Or dates even. Strictly sex. I haven’t made anyone wait since I’ve been divorced. No one. Why? Because I’m a dude. I want it more than they do. But look at this pattern I’ve got myself in. 

It’s chaotic. And I didn’t wanna admit it before. But it’s becoming predictable, no? 

What if I did something different? What if I vowed to stay sex-less for 3 months. Or 6?  Sex-less… Celibate. 

What if I decided to put an amount of time on knowing someone before sex. 

Now, I know that this isn’t a new idea. I realize some people have this rule. And that it’s a smart, non whorish practice to have. 

But my view on sex is that it doesn’t make anyone a good or bad person for how often or how little or how soon or how long you wait. I don’t think it has an effect on who that person is. 

It may, tho, be something I should do to respect myself more. My body. My health. My broken heart. My bruised spirit. My rambling ambling soul. 

Just a thought. I’m not even sure where it came from or to what end. But that’s been bouncing around my head. 

velcro

June 10, 2016

mike

He wants to be my daddy. And I’d love that. He would be a good one. I know he would be. One major catch tho. He works in Tokyo and travels a shit ton. I need some skin on skin time to know whether I can have him as my daddy on a permanent basis. Could I handle being collared by someone so far off?

panman

He wants to scene me. And that is all we would be. Play partners. Him and mommy are still together and seem to be doing good I guess. I wish they would just close off their relationship and he would stop tugging at me. I want to scene with him. I just know that it’ll be more drama than its worth. I don’t want mommy mad at me. panman wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, but how can that work. Counter intuitive to this particular blog post, I’m completely monogamous when my heart is involved.

Trip

Some desperate guy that messages me randomly and I don’t know why. He says we should hang out but then never follows through. More of an annoyance actually. I think I’ll ghost him. I don’t normally do that, but he is so so random. I don’t understand how someone I don’t know at all will come at my beck and call… any time of day or night. Wish I could say I haven’t tested him on that… I don’t know him that well, but he’s handsome and nice and strong and has a good job and all this surface stuff that makes the desperation vibe feel out of place.

coach

This guy lives 2 hours away and works 1 hour away. He expects me to always do the leg work. “come see me.” Boy, please! I ain’t that desperate. Plus, if I go down there I KNOW that he’ll want me to pay for a hotel room because he lives with his brother and heaven forbid anyone know I exist. He thinks I’m an idiot. He’s the biggest mooch I’ve ever dealt with. I pretty much just keep saying no.

R

I don’t know why he isn’t jumping at me. He always says he wants to. And he never ever follows through. Normally he can’t. He works to much. But now he has fallen into a better position with more money and less hours and still… where is he? I’d love to try a relationship with him at some point. I just don’t know why he drags his feet. I suppose he could just be a huge liar. And say he wants wants wants us to happen but really could he just be too lazy or un-enthused to make it happen? I don’t get this one. I swear he says he wants me and loves me even. But I don’t know why there’s no follow through. Is he waiting on me? I feel it when we are together. Something good and solid could be here. I’m confused tho. Obviously my reading skills are off on this one. But surely that connection I feel isn’t fake. That would be hard to fabricate, right?

trey

Oh trey. Gah, you are growing on me. I haven’t seen him since Sunday and truth be told I kind of miss him.

stephen

What in the world are you doing messaging me. You live in Ohio. lol I don’t get it. Just boredom??

m

Why do you have to string me along. I had (have?) so much love for you. The what ifs… and maybe down the roads… are driving me insane. I wanted that with you… want? Last June I wouldn’t given ANYTHING to have it. And still you say let’s try in the future.

—-

I’m so jumbled up by mitch. I feel like I’m clinging and could cling to anything right now. I feel like Velcro. I could stick to anything. And things are sticking to me. And all that’s happening is I’m getting a little dirty. Sigh. My nerves feel shot. I feel all over the place. flailing. I’m sad. I just thought mitch was going to be it… now I’m in the muck again. And I’m allowing all of it to happen. I am letting myself become this girl. Some of it is fun, but mainly I’m just passing the time. I’m just covering up the hurt I feel. I’m using and being used. I know I am. I just… don’t know what else to do right now. Feels like I can’t help but go down this path…

food sex alcohol

June 6, 2016

I’m on self destruct mode. I need a handle on at least the food. R has agreed to help me with that. I always love when a Dom is going to take control for me in that department. I have no control. I still wear his marks. I’m beginning to think they are permanent.

The trickiest part of wearing his marks is maneuvering them around Trey. I’ve walked the edges of bdsm in our conversation. He knows I’m into something of the sorts. But he doesn’t know I’m an active participant right now. And even with all the honestly I’ve done I haven’t explicitly said that I might be having/had sex with someone else too.

I’m honest in the fact that I want to keep it casual while I’m living on Heartbreak avenue. But to be honest, I don’t know that I’d be interested if I wasn’t suffering right now.

He’s a great guy. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He actually makes enough money to support at least himself. He’s happy. He’s quick to compliment. I haven’t had this great of a combo in quite a while. QUITE!

Such a girl move to not be interested in the guy that would be perfect, huh?

Anyway, back to the self destruct topic. Just feeling out of control. Not sure what I need to reign it in. I guess there is a sort of cycle about the chaos… The next step in this cycle is some sort of simplification. Cut the extremities. But I’m just so sad and can get a little lonely. It’s hard to cut that off. I’m being incredibly selfish right now. Ugh. I hate when I have to go find my big girl panties.

used

May 30, 2016

There’s two kinds of being used in my world.

1.

When someone doesn’t see you as an individual. You are a body part. You are a female place holder. Anyone could fill this void. Not even a warm body is a requirement.

2.

When you are being used by someone who cares and appreciates you. They are using you in a dirty, degrading, fuck-toy way but they value that you let them do so. The using is going both ways. And really, you aren’t being used at all. It’s just an illusion. It’s kink. It’s sexual preference.

Don’t come at me if I could be replaced by any face or body or blow up toy. If you care then I will give you anything and everything. Nothing I wouldn’t be willing to do to make you happy. NOTHING. All you have to do is be inspired (by me) to want things. And I’ll be inspired (by you) to hand it to you.

This post is inspired by a guy I barely know. I get a few superficial messages from him a few times a week… I went on two dates with him before he left town for work. He asks for pics. There’s no effort in it. All taken for granted. He expects it. I hate that. Show me you care. Just a little. Ask me how my day was. How my week is. How my heart is.

I’m a slut in the fact that I love sex and the dirty kind and a lot of it. But not in a way that I’ll just break it off at your command with no forethought or care for me. Even my rebound neighbor has to try harder than that.

Truth is I’m feeling a bit disposable today. And that’s not a nice feeling. It’s not one that makes me feel like I have worth.

Self doubt, self love, and self worth have taken a nose dive. And I know… I’m just heartbroken. I’ll be okay.

Yeah, I crave company. I crave not being alone. But I don’t need anything that’ll make me feel more disposable and more broken. At least there’s still a shred of self worth enough to know I could make this worse.

raining men

May 30, 2016

It’s actually raining men. As in… i need a friggin umbrella!

And it’s my own damn fault. I should’ve stayed under the radar for a few more minutes. I mean… some of these are just coincidences… the universe sent out a vibe on me…. pulled them all in.

It’s too easy to lean on this attention. But it’s not helping anyone. And these guys don’t care about me. I mean, they can say they do. But where have they been? where do they go? i’m no one’s priority. I’m not an idiot.

I went to a party this weekend. One of my guy friends… who has quite literally made his way around my entire friend circle to some extent was all over me on saturday night. I know this guy… so I just took the attention and flirted back. It’s not harming me what so ever. I have his number. This will roll right off my back. Slick as a dick… Whoops. Typo. Slick as a D-U-C-K.

It turned into a hot tub party. So… I’m not gonna lie… it got steamy. It was turning into a more fun night than I expected. I knew that this was all tease. I had no intention of following this through. It would be a bit desperate on my end for sure. Like, I said… he’s gotten around my friend circle… and even if he only got all the way with one, he has tried to get with all of them in one way or another.

This guy is HOTT. Bicep for daaaaays. That is a weakness of mine FO SHO! So, yeah… I’m soaking this up! He got a bit too close a few times… too close for being in public anyway. I had to literally back up a few times. I’m sure we looked pretty trashy. But EVERYONE was wasted.

I heard he was dating someone that I didn’t know, but I know this guy. If he is dating someone, he’s not committed. And she knows it. He’s open like that. Super casual. He just is. Anyway, he’s all up on me in the hot tub when his current main squeeze shows up! Whoops! I have no idea if she saw us. Or if she cared. Or whatever. I don’t think he knew she was coming. I certainly didn’t!

I do know that he’s got to look like an ass to all his other friends. I mean, he wasn’t shy about being all up on me the ENTIRE night. I took my cue… I got out of the hot tub and joined the gay guys in the kitchen… It was fun too. But he didn’t waste any time letting her fill the spot I was currently in.

Like the rest of the raining men.

Over all the night was pretty fun. But I cried all the way home. I miss mitch so fucking much. The pain is overwhelming in some moments.