Posts Tagged ‘self acceptance’

Open

November 30, 2017

I went to a health and life coaching conference a few weeks ago. This thing was so life changing for me.

There I discovered that I’ve spent my entire life shutting down all the emotions coming in and out of me. Let me explain that better.

The past few years I’ve become this person that feels so much… I thought I was just because I was a female taking birth control in my late 20s. I thought this was just the hormonal dip and dive of live. Turns out… I’m just an emotional person. And I began accepting that about me a year or so ago. But I was always sorry about it. I was always wishing I was “stronger” or more “even”. I apologized for feeling and apologized even more for expressing those feelings. Good, bad, or ugly. My friends even poked fun at me because I was the “emotional one”. And again, I was apologetically emotional. All the feels. Wishing I could stifle them. Thinking that would make me a better person… a better significant other… a better friend.

At this conference I discovered that it’s not to my detriment that I feel more. It’s my GIFT! I have never looked at it this way. Like I said, I figured it was an emotional imbalance. Lol… i mean… i even blogged about my birth control hunt because the moods that were swinging. ha! But no. A gift. 🙂 Not every one is blessed enough to feel as deeply as me. But what have I been practicing my whole life?

Shutting

it

off.

I don’t know anything else. It’s always been my go-to. I am use to walking into large groups of people and completely shutting out the world. I claimed introvert. I made that the reason for how I became in large groups of people. But i’m not! I LOVE people. I love talking to people. I love new people. I love the connection. So why this shut down? Once I accepted this part of me it became so obvious to me. I walked into large groups of people and shut off because I was taking in way too many of other’s emotions. I was feeling too many of something else from outside of my body. My knee jerk reaction to feelings… ew! Make it stop! lol! I had no idea. Gah! I’m a fucking empath. Where did that come from??? And I can’t help but think of how ironic it is that my rational, logically mind has finally thrown its hands up and bent its knee to my true self. I am an empath.

Thru the conference as the veil was being lifted from my eyes about my gift I’d been denying I took on a new mantra. Stay Open. I fight myself constantly on just shutting down. I repeat in my mind, “Stay open.” Right now it’s a constant practice. I know it’ll come more and more natural. I not only want to accept this, but I want to harness this. I want to learn how to use this gift of reading others and being this channel for the good of others. I’ll be able to use this so much to help my clients!

I’m so fucking glad to have FINALLY accepted this about me. Since leaving this conference I’ve never felt so whole in my entire life. I’ve never felt so full. I’ve never ever felt SO BIG!

The universe is shaping me into something quite beautiful and I am open and ready to accept all of life and all the gifts it wants to grant me!

Who knew that changing my careers would be such a spiritual journey for me. I cannot express enough how much gratitude I have for this whole transformation.

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jealousy tango

April 6, 2016

I finally did it. I deactivated my Fetlife account. I also blocked about a bagillion men on my phone, facebook, instagram, and snapchat. I deleted my kik app. Basically anything that might accidentally have someone drunk texting/messaging/snapping me.

Mitch is suuuuuuper jealous. And… I’m kind of nervous about that! I haven’t exactly set up a shady free life over here. I mean, I’m well on my way there now! And that’s of my OWN FREE WILL! I’m terrified that anyone of these mother fucker’s from my past will send a dick pic just because they are lonely or some bullshit. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. Why the HELL do I entertain these munchkins (munchkins? going with it) in the first place?! I really don’t know. And it’s not like it feels weird at the time… It just progresses in a way that… gets weird. I’m not particularly proud or happy and DEFINITELY not fond of it.

Any way, if it isn’t a dick pic, it’s an “I miss you” text… or a “been thinking about you” or “you still dating that guy?”… and on and on and on.

I can’t have any of these unwarranted and uninvited messages being taken as me being an interested party. NOT EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST! Mitch will take one look and be hurt and running! I can’t risk that.

I have men’s body wash in my bathroom. Mitch asked me about that. “Is it Andy’s?” Before I could think about it, I said, “No, it’s Sir T (of course i used his real name…)”… and he was asking me in the dark, but I swear I heard his eyes roll and body stiffen. It’s some damn body wash I was just too lazy to throw away… and really I wouldn’t throw it away. Really it’s not about laziness, I kept it around for Andy (is this messed up?). And I will probably use it as soon as my other stuff runs out. Because I’m super frugal like that.  It’s not something I think about.

I have a past. And I can be sad and ashamed and sorry and guilty or whatever for it… but you know what? I’m not that sad and ashamed and sorry or guilty over much of it at all. Would I nullify some of it if I had the chance? You fucking better believe it. But most of it has shaped who I am today and how I know what I’m worth. It took a lot of screwed up moments to understand all that. A LOT! And for the most part, all I feel is grateful for what my experiences has shaped me to be today. I love me. I’m awesome.

Mic drop; out.

mirror therapy

February 15, 2016

I have this big-ass mirror in my living room…. it’s just propped up on the biggest empty wall in my apartment. I knew that I wanted the mirror when I got my divorce, but turns out a small 1 bedroom apartment doesn’t accommodate such large items. But I couldn’t lose my ability to see my hair and shoes in the same frame – a girl needs these things. So it just sits there. As soon as I enter my apartment it greets me, sometimes before my dog does. I walk by it several times a day.

Some days this isn’t an easy thing to live with. But sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised by my reflection. I started to wonder if it was becoming detrimental to my self image recently. But one day I had a revelation…

I took off my clothes and sat right there in the middle of my living room in front of my big-ass mirror – as I affectionately call it.

At first I zoned in on my “problem areas”. Hate. hate. hate. I suck. I’m ugly. I can’t fix it. I’ve tried. Ain’t never gonna happen. My obsession is in my mid section. I have this huge inner tube that I swear is the first and only thing that anyone can possibly notice. If they somehow do get past that I’ve got this red birthmark on my right cheek. No, I am not over heated; no, I do not have Rosacea; no, (this one is my favorite) I did not get punched; and no, I am not effing blushing! Thank you!

I continued to sit. And look.

I don’t know how long it took, but I started to separate from the image in the mirror. I became a third party spectator. And you know what? Nothing was that bad. In fact, there were a lot of redeeming qualities there. I have great legs on anyone’s standards. Thick thighs… well, that doesn’t seem too un-sexy… I can totally see how they’d be preferable. That mid section…. it’s not THAT gigantic. It’s not… the only thing that exists in this image. And holy shit, I have great complexion. Every other inch of my face is porcelain-like… I mean… pale? Maybe – but not in a sick way. Could I use some sun? Always. But, the complexion is undeniably enviable.

I reached for my phone. I know, I know, In this day and age reaching for a camera is nothing special. But for me to even humor the idea of a naked picture?! And I don’t mean a pic you take to send to someone that asks or anything to do with sexuality in any form, but a pic just to admire yourself….? That’s different. Now, I’m not saying I took the pics, admired, saved, and shared. No, I didn’t even save them. I looked. I did admire. I liked what I saw. It wasn’t ugly. I didn’t stop at the terrible spots on my body and dwell. I simply looked and didn’t hate myself! I more than didn’t hate it. I was more than accepting of it. I liked it. It was a positive feeling. Not just neutral!

I wish I could say that I left that moment and I was cured of wherever I normally land on the body dysmorphic disorder spectrum… No, I left that moment and it didn’t take long for my insecurities to come rushing back. The self doubt, the self hate, the self dwelling on “bad” body parts. But…

Mirror Therapy. I’m making it a thing. I’m going to track the long term effects. I’m going to see if I can take those moments of clarity and see if I can’t transcend them to my every day ideas of myself for longer and longer periods of time.

my goal

June 26, 2015

I don’t want to change the world, start a revolution, or unlock the mystery to world peace. It’s not in me. Its not the touch I want on the world. None of these things drive me.

I want to be known as a good friend. A loyal friend. A fun friend. But most importantly, I want to be that friend that you can tell your dirty little secrets too, and laugh about it with together. I want to be the friend that makes you feel like you can kick off your shoes and prop up your feet. I want to be someone that others can chill with, be themselves with, and love themselves with. This is my pleasure in life.

I love hearing about a mishap, a goof, a “let me tell you how dumb I am” story – because they know they won’t be judged by unloading this story in my ear. We can laugh. we can learn. we can love. Someone that you can bounce the stupid questions, the irrational fears, the weird feelings you have towards people and ideas off of. Bounce off those things that make individuals feel awful, horrid, abnormal, and psycho. Hash out all these insecurities… maybe even shed some light on things, or just make you feel more comfortable with yourself despite all those things…. or make you feel normal because of all those things.

I want to be the friend that feels like no effort is given. That you feel like you’ve spent nothing to be around. That you don’t dread. That when I’m in need, you want to help, not because you owe it, but because your heart tugs you.

This is all I wish for myself in life. Just this small touch in other’s lives.

I just love being that person you can be yourself with. People are pretty awesome, but we sometimes miss that because we are so worried about keeping it together for everyone.

I don’t even want to be the friend that you miss so much when you’re not around, but the friend that when you see, realize you miss them. Have you ever done that? Gone about life, giving close to no thought about someone, but as soon as you see them your heart floods instantly – bubbles over because you adore and love this person?

I want this for my life. This is my goal.