Posts Tagged ‘sadness’

puddling

September 26, 2016

More dwelling. More puddle. It’s still here. I’m functioning. I’m at work. Small headache. Exhausted from the dwelling. It’s not easy. I can feel it flowing through my veins. It almost throbs. Pulsating a wave of exhaustion everywhere. Reverberating through every limb and appendage.

Going through the motions today. I’m here at work. I will be at the gym later. I’ll stay in solid form til I get home and puddle myself on the couch til I flow to the bed and puddle there at bedtime.

I’ll be home in 5 hours. I can do this.

in a puddle

September 25, 2016

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I

Went to the gym. Got in some birthday burpees with my gym rat buddies. Love that they push me. Love the energy they have. Then I got a 165 pound back squat. That’s a lifetime PR!

I’ve been consistently getting better in the gym. IT FEELS AMAZING.

Then yesterday evening I went out with one of my best friends. It was a local octoberfest. So much fun. Lots of beer. We saw people we knew. We met people we didn’t. Chatted. Flirted. Some of my favorite activities! After that we went to get some late night pizza. It was yummy. Good birthday, right??

At some point over the pizza my mood took a nose dive. There were three of us at this point and I was happy they were occupying each other’s company because I was becoming utterly useless in the social department. I was sitting across the table from them completely hiding the fact that all I wanted to do was cry. Not like a simple tear threatening to retreat from my eyeballs, but like, curl up in the bathroom stall balling my eyes out kind of cry.

I got home shortly after midnight. And promptly fell asleep only to wake up less than 3 hours later. I laid in bed for an hour feeling shame and guilt and sadness from no real source. Or is there a real source? I brainstormed all the possible real sources. The spiral. I’m spiraling down into a puddle of ickiness. I’m dwelling. And spiraling. And I feel so low right now.

I walked my dog. Then I laid in bed for another hour. And I finally just gave up. I’m out of bed again.

I’m so up and down I can’t keep up with myself. I mean… I wish I’d pop back up about now tho. I’m getting worried that I’m settling into a depression. But what is this counter balance of ups? Is it worth it? I say balance, but it doesn’t feel like that really… No. No up can make this puddle worth it.

The chemistry is wrong in my brain. That’s all it is, right?

rejection

April 28, 2016

I’ve only experienced heartbreak by rejection once in my lifetime. I don’t think I’ll ever not be able to conjure up that feeling whenever I think about it. It hurts. It lingers. It reappears. It kind of taps on the middle of your skull till you are pissed off.

I absolutely, positively have moved on.. like, to infinity and beyond, but damned if I can still feel rejections when I recall the memories.

There’s this spot in my forearms that get this weird feeling. It’s the feeling your stomach gets when you go to fast over a hill. That stomach drop feeling you get when you look down from a cliff or when you are dropping in a steep slope on a roller coaster. It’s so strange. And I have only ever felt that when I was heartbroken by rejection. And I only ever feel it when I’m dwelling on the memory.

It makes me as sad and broken as when it originally happened.

I can’t get over the fact that no matter what “moving on” looks like to me in my life, this will always get to me. Brokenness followed quickly by anger then followed even quicker by self doubt. It’s INSANE!

I was rejected. I was rejected by a boy. I was rejected by a boy that couldn’t even accept himself and yet it still cuts so deep and true. Even the memories cut deep. Like they just happened… every time.

I’ve been thinking about it today because the boy that did this to me announced he is moving away. And while this news doesn’t effect me so much, I just couldn’t help but go through this cycle once again.

Rejected
Broken
Anger
Self doubt

I can’t help but wonder what the point is in re-living this every time. I don’t get it. No matter how displaced or happy I am I have to go through this cycle. I’m aware at this point it doesn’t have much to do with him at all. It’s that feeling. That unique feeling of being rejected. That tingle in my forearms. It’s as if my body needs to feel it. But why?

emotional hangover

November 24, 2014

Yesterday I spent all day in pain. Not physical pain, but soul pain. At one point i was laying flat on my back on the living room floor… not even my dog would approach me it was so tangible. Where did it come from? What triggered this?

I normally consider myself pretty void of emotion. But maybe that’s not really so… I am not good at hiding what i feel. well, that’s not true either. I think I’m good at hiding anger. I’m good at hiding heart break. But when i’m sad, i look sad. I might not, probably won’t, cry in front of you… But i’m a happy, chipper person… so.. anything felt otherwise i suppose is pretty noticeable. But I’d say I normal don’t feel anything to the extreme… I definitely don’t act upon it.

I spent yesterday alone. It was a long day. I felt so much. And i don’t really know what it was. Heartbreak? Hopeless? Lonely? Bored? I think it was all of that and more. Everything hit me. I’m an emotional eater… and normally if boredom hits or sadness or stress, food is my solace. But not even that tugged at me yesterday. I’ve been working on that. Not running to food. Or at least recognizing emotional hunger versus physiological hunger. And maybe I finally hit a break through with that yesterday. Maybe it was my sub-conscious forcing me to face my emotions. To process them. Instead of stuff them down with food. Maybe yesterday was a break through. It felt messy. It felt chaotic. Maybe its going to clear up in a way that cleaning your bedroom looks way worse before it actually gets better and cleaned and organized and uncluttered. Gotta pull everything out of all the nooks and crannies to either dust it off, put it up, or throw it out… I don’t know.

But i do know I was hurting every where. deep down. all throughout. so much. And today… the residual sadness is almost consoling. What does that even mean? It feels like a companion… like its a helper. Like I’m suppose to use it for something.

Maybe its going to do nothing more than to keep me away from people today… keep me from reaching out. Force me to process this on my own.

Maybe its nothing more than hormones… and tomorrow it’ll just be gone. That sucks to think about. That our emotions are just manifestations of the wrong chemical in our body at the time… no meaning other than malfunction of the body. obviously, some people think that… its why pills for depression exists… and i’m not saying there isn’t a place in this world for that… there most certainly is… i’m just hoping there’s more to it for me.

That’s enough for now. Here’s to keeping it together today… or letting things go… we’ll see.