Posts Tagged ‘sad’

in a puddle

September 25, 2016

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I

Went to the gym. Got in some birthday burpees with my gym rat buddies. Love that they push me. Love the energy they have. Then I got a 165 pound back squat. That’s a lifetime PR!

I’ve been consistently getting better in the gym. IT FEELS AMAZING.

Then yesterday evening I went out with one of my best friends. It was a local octoberfest. So much fun. Lots of beer. We saw people we knew. We met people we didn’t. Chatted. Flirted. Some of my favorite activities! After that we went to get some late night pizza. It was yummy. Good birthday, right??

At some point over the pizza my mood took a nose dive. There were three of us at this point and I was happy they were occupying each other’s company because I was becoming utterly useless in the social department. I was sitting across the table from them completely hiding the fact that all I wanted to do was cry. Not like a simple tear threatening to retreat from my eyeballs, but like, curl up in the bathroom stall balling my eyes out kind of cry.

I got home shortly after midnight. And promptly fell asleep only to wake up less than 3 hours later. I laid in bed for an hour feeling shame and guilt and sadness from no real source. Or is there a real source? I brainstormed all the possible real sources. The spiral. I’m spiraling down into a puddle of ickiness. I’m dwelling. And spiraling. And I feel so low right now.

I walked my dog. Then I laid in bed for another hour. And I finally just gave up. I’m out of bed again.

I’m so up and down I can’t keep up with myself. I mean… I wish I’d pop back up about now tho. I’m getting worried that I’m settling into a depression. But what is this counter balance of ups? Is it worth it? I say balance, but it doesn’t feel like that really… No. No up can make this puddle worth it.

The chemistry is wrong in my brain. That’s all it is, right?

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I miss moments….

August 10, 2016

When you sink into someone

and sigh an ‘I love you’

because in that moment

you feel nothing else.

the decision

July 13, 2016

I don’t know why I’m linking my sexual freedom and my broken heart.

Maybe its the logical connection tho.

I feel like if I can control one it might take the edge off the other. I’m still in so much pain. My constant state of being is being broken. My heart is aching all the time. Sometimes its a subtle throb and other times I physically have to stop and catch my breath while holding back tears.

So… Celibacy. 4 months. Let’s hope it’s the road to some healing. Or in the least help me find a better pattern… Find a better MO when it comes to dating and finding someone to spend my life with.

I don’t feel pathetic making that a goal in life. It’s very human. That constant search for my other half. It’s instinctual. I do hope to have peace about it tho. I hope it becomes somewhat less nagging in my heart and brain (and ovaries).

It’s not like it’s my only goal in life. But I won’t deny it’s HUGE! I’m okay with that. But peace would be good. Less pain would be great.

Let’s see what happens here.

moving on and making changes

July 7, 2016

I’m going to the shooting range tonight. I hate that I’m emotional over something that is suppose to be FUN!

One of my really good guy friends is going with me. He doesn’t do the gun like I don’t. Should be an experience for both of us.

I’m glad I’m doing it instead of losing my money over it. I feel like this is a step towards closure over mitch. Silly, but I really felt I had to do this and not let him get in the way of this experience for me.

I’ve thought about calling mitch. But… not sure why. What would I accomplish? Probably could only do more harm than anything. Is there closure to be had? That would be awesome. But I don’t think that exists here.

I hate being so emotional. I hate being so dissatisfied in life. Hate feeling so… so… unhappy and unsettled… and like I’m in limbo for something. What am I waiting on? To get over mitch? To like my job? To what?

But I finally reached a point in my complaining and dissatisfaction where I’ve started taking action. I have finished my resume. It’s time to start job searching. I’m looking forward to the search. I know that it won’t be easy, but the fact that I’m doing something to change this is definitely a positive over all this negative I feel. Feeling productive is my all time happy place.

I also met with my business consultant about the market research on my idea. All things positive on that front for sure. But this is going to be a long haul process of doing it right. My business plan has to be solid. And as of this far I have no numbers on paper. What a daunting task. I’ll get there tho. I’m not in a hurry here and that feels good. Feels like I’m in control.

SIGH.

Okay… wish me luck on the shooting range this afternoon!

shoot (with) me

June 28, 2016

I bought a Groupon to a shooting range for me and mitch to use. The expiration date is very quickly approaching.

I thought it was a great date idea. And I felt comfortable with the situation because of mitch’s military background. He knows how to handle a gun. I was excited about the experience.

I’m terrified of a fire arm if I’m being completely honest. In the same way I’m terrified at watching someone else hold a knife in the kitchen cutting vegetables.

So now I’m wondering if I should just let this whole groupon just pass by. Eat the money. But me and my cheap self says that is ridiculous. And I still thing it sounds fun. I want to do it. I just don’t know who to take. A girlfriend? Gosh. I have zero confidence in that. ZERO. Why, tho, do I feel the need to have someone know what they are doing in such a controlled environment with an instructor on staff? That’s not a good excuse. That’s what these places are for. Training.

I don’t know. This is dumb to even worry about. Just one of those things that sucks about break ups.

The other day my best friend said mitch reached out to her to ask about something. My heart felt squeezed just at the thought. She’s MY best friend. 😦 And he entered my life again for a split second. God, why is it still this hard to think about him. I was crying instantly.

orlando

June 13, 2016

Every part of my psychical and spiritual being hurts for what happened.

Sadness

Anger

Confusion

So many people effected. Dead. Injured. Families of those dead and injured. Friends. Co-workers. Neighbors.

Hearing that authorities have talked to him in the past. He’s been on watch lists. Hearing phrases like “not under investigation at the time of the shooting” or the fact that he bought a few guns within a few weeks of the shooting… BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND!

I want to be like everyone else. I want to point fingers. Fix the kink in the chain for next time.

Then to continue thinking about how one man could take down so many people before it stopped. Did any one try to jump in? Did anyone try?? I mean out of 360 degrees of angles, surely one man could be taken down. I don’t know that I would’ve tried. I don’t know! But I just can’t wrap my mind around this. I can’t picture the scene.

I hurt. My body. My mind. My spirit. My soul. My words. My thoughts. Everything that has ever made up part of my being is in pain.

velcro

June 10, 2016

mike

He wants to be my daddy. And I’d love that. He would be a good one. I know he would be. One major catch tho. He works in Tokyo and travels a shit ton. I need some skin on skin time to know whether I can have him as my daddy on a permanent basis. Could I handle being collared by someone so far off?

panman

He wants to scene me. And that is all we would be. Play partners. Him and mommy are still together and seem to be doing good I guess. I wish they would just close off their relationship and he would stop tugging at me. I want to scene with him. I just know that it’ll be more drama than its worth. I don’t want mommy mad at me. panman wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, but how can that work. Counter intuitive to this particular blog post, I’m completely monogamous when my heart is involved.

Trip

Some desperate guy that messages me randomly and I don’t know why. He says we should hang out but then never follows through. More of an annoyance actually. I think I’ll ghost him. I don’t normally do that, but he is so so random. I don’t understand how someone I don’t know at all will come at my beck and call… any time of day or night. Wish I could say I haven’t tested him on that… I don’t know him that well, but he’s handsome and nice and strong and has a good job and all this surface stuff that makes the desperation vibe feel out of place.

coach

This guy lives 2 hours away and works 1 hour away. He expects me to always do the leg work. “come see me.” Boy, please! I ain’t that desperate. Plus, if I go down there I KNOW that he’ll want me to pay for a hotel room because he lives with his brother and heaven forbid anyone know I exist. He thinks I’m an idiot. He’s the biggest mooch I’ve ever dealt with. I pretty much just keep saying no.

R

I don’t know why he isn’t jumping at me. He always says he wants to. And he never ever follows through. Normally he can’t. He works to much. But now he has fallen into a better position with more money and less hours and still… where is he? I’d love to try a relationship with him at some point. I just don’t know why he drags his feet. I suppose he could just be a huge liar. And say he wants wants wants us to happen but really could he just be too lazy or un-enthused to make it happen? I don’t get this one. I swear he says he wants me and loves me even. But I don’t know why there’s no follow through. Is he waiting on me? I feel it when we are together. Something good and solid could be here. I’m confused tho. Obviously my reading skills are off on this one. But surely that connection I feel isn’t fake. That would be hard to fabricate, right?

trey

Oh trey. Gah, you are growing on me. I haven’t seen him since Sunday and truth be told I kind of miss him.

stephen

What in the world are you doing messaging me. You live in Ohio. lol I don’t get it. Just boredom??

m

Why do you have to string me along. I had (have?) so much love for you. The what ifs… and maybe down the roads… are driving me insane. I wanted that with you… want? Last June I wouldn’t given ANYTHING to have it. And still you say let’s try in the future.

—-

I’m so jumbled up by mitch. I feel like I’m clinging and could cling to anything right now. I feel like Velcro. I could stick to anything. And things are sticking to me. And all that’s happening is I’m getting a little dirty. Sigh. My nerves feel shot. I feel all over the place. flailing. I’m sad. I just thought mitch was going to be it… now I’m in the muck again. And I’m allowing all of it to happen. I am letting myself become this girl. Some of it is fun, but mainly I’m just passing the time. I’m just covering up the hurt I feel. I’m using and being used. I know I am. I just… don’t know what else to do right now. Feels like I can’t help but go down this path…

food sex alcohol

June 6, 2016

I’m on self destruct mode. I need a handle on at least the food. R has agreed to help me with that. I always love when a Dom is going to take control for me in that department. I have no control. I still wear his marks. I’m beginning to think they are permanent.

The trickiest part of wearing his marks is maneuvering them around Trey. I’ve walked the edges of bdsm in our conversation. He knows I’m into something of the sorts. But he doesn’t know I’m an active participant right now. And even with all the honestly I’ve done I haven’t explicitly said that I might be having/had sex with someone else too.

I’m honest in the fact that I want to keep it casual while I’m living on Heartbreak avenue. But to be honest, I don’t know that I’d be interested if I wasn’t suffering right now.

He’s a great guy. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He actually makes enough money to support at least himself. He’s happy. He’s quick to compliment. I haven’t had this great of a combo in quite a while. QUITE!

Such a girl move to not be interested in the guy that would be perfect, huh?

Anyway, back to the self destruct topic. Just feeling out of control. Not sure what I need to reign it in. I guess there is a sort of cycle about the chaos… The next step in this cycle is some sort of simplification. Cut the extremities. But I’m just so sad and can get a little lonely. It’s hard to cut that off. I’m being incredibly selfish right now. Ugh. I hate when I have to go find my big girl panties.

raining men

May 30, 2016

It’s actually raining men. As in… i need a friggin umbrella!

And it’s my own damn fault. I should’ve stayed under the radar for a few more minutes. I mean… some of these are just coincidences… the universe sent out a vibe on me…. pulled them all in.

It’s too easy to lean on this attention. But it’s not helping anyone. And these guys don’t care about me. I mean, they can say they do. But where have they been? where do they go? i’m no one’s priority. I’m not an idiot.

I went to a party this weekend. One of my guy friends… who has quite literally made his way around my entire friend circle to some extent was all over me on saturday night. I know this guy… so I just took the attention and flirted back. It’s not harming me what so ever. I have his number. This will roll right off my back. Slick as a dick… Whoops. Typo. Slick as a D-U-C-K.

It turned into a hot tub party. So… I’m not gonna lie… it got steamy. It was turning into a more fun night than I expected. I knew that this was all tease. I had no intention of following this through. It would be a bit desperate on my end for sure. Like, I said… he’s gotten around my friend circle… and even if he only got all the way with one, he has tried to get with all of them in one way or another.

This guy is HOTT. Bicep for daaaaays. That is a weakness of mine FO SHO! So, yeah… I’m soaking this up! He got a bit too close a few times… too close for being in public anyway. I had to literally back up a few times. I’m sure we looked pretty trashy. But EVERYONE was wasted.

I heard he was dating someone that I didn’t know, but I know this guy. If he is dating someone, he’s not committed. And she knows it. He’s open like that. Super casual. He just is. Anyway, he’s all up on me in the hot tub when his current main squeeze shows up! Whoops! I have no idea if she saw us. Or if she cared. Or whatever. I don’t think he knew she was coming. I certainly didn’t!

I do know that he’s got to look like an ass to all his other friends. I mean, he wasn’t shy about being all up on me the ENTIRE night. I took my cue… I got out of the hot tub and joined the gay guys in the kitchen… It was fun too. But he didn’t waste any time letting her fill the spot I was currently in.

Like the rest of the raining men.

Over all the night was pretty fun. But I cried all the way home. I miss mitch so fucking much. The pain is overwhelming in some moments.

what am i doing

May 27, 2016

I fucked up. I think. Maybe. I mean, I am probably just over thinking it.

I hooked up with trey last night. I’ve hung out with him several times since the break up. And last night we had a serious talk about expectations.

I told him I am heart broken. I’m still in love with mitch. And I’m in no way shape or form ready to date anyone in a stable capacity. That’s if I could ever date trey. I don’t know that I can. But why not? He’s funny. And he always catching me off guard with a joke. I love that. He is great company. I just don’t know that I have the feels for him like one should.

I’m just hurting right now. Maybe in the future. Who knows.

Anyway, I told him where I was. I told him I’m going to cause pain to anything in my line of fire. I just wanna use and abuse (or be used and abused). I might not have said it exactly like that. But it was clear.

He in turn let me know what he wanted. He wants long term. Stability. It was a fairly long, adult conversation. We didn’t come up with any resolutions, but everything was out on the table. I even asked him if it’s my job to have the self control and not lead him on or is telling him that I’m not looking to get involved enough to let me off the hook if we did let things escalate in the short run. I said this! Open as can be…

So naturally… we ended up making out on his couch. Then his bed. Then the clothes disappeared. I don’t know what happened. Don’t get me wrong. It was fantastic. I enjoyed it completely.

Sigh. He does not deserve to be hurt if he has legitimate feelings for me. Like I said, I’m over thinking the hell out of this.