Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

me and m

July 20, 2017

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

firsts with trey part 2

July 13, 2016

After the date we spent the night together. It was our first night spent together. Normally we do our thing and we part ways for the night. Not this night. He had been asking this for this for weeks. Sweet, huh?

4am I wake up to him on top of me. I try not to react in a panic. I just kind of shoo him off like I’d do with my puppy…. small tap tap tap on his side. He does this not so subtle move 2 more times. Or was it 3? I do the same tap tap shoo shoo. Trying not to make a big deal so I can drift back to sleep. I couldn’t have been sleeping long… 2 hours since we drifted off maybe? I was way out of it. And also way disturbed by how he’s going about this.

He mumbles something under his breath. Something about being a boy and how he’ll just keep trying, poking, pawing, prodding if he stays. He leaves.

He left. After our first real date. During our first actual night together.

I’m a highly seduce-able woman. I mean, to a dirty fault. But there are a few buttons you have to hit first. They are ALL over me, so just pick one. Two for good measure if you like. I assure you climbing on me won’t get you there. Going straight for my un-swollen and un-provoked clit… it won’t help you either. Especially from a dead sleep. It’s hard to even apologize for not going for a round two without the tiniest of effort.

We just had the conversation that night about how I worried about being only wanted in the physical sense. How guys tend to stop making an effort after a few months of a physical relationship. My insecurities were laid out on the table. He looked hurt that I even said I was scared of that being a possibility with him….

Even after all that he couldn’t spend just 2 more hours in my bed til morning light before leaving?

Actions speak louder than words, as they say. And these screamed at me.

In the next few days I told him I decided to go celibate. (I decided on 4 months… couldn’t even commit to 6! But that is a whole other post.) He still assured me he wanted to spend time with me. And because I know it can be a lifestyle change for some I told him he didn’t have to feel bad for seeing other people.

After all, I kind of changed the terms of whatever we are… I went from wrecking ball, only gonna get sex to prove to me you like as you say. So… I gave him an out if he wanted it. And an open option. At least I won’t be worried about my health in the mean time. He assured me he wasn’t dating any one and he still wanted to hang out, date, and get to know me.

We’ve hung out a few times since. He’s tried to make a move. And I brushed him off a few night’s in a row before reminding him of my decision. He looked at me as if I was saying it for the first time. He had hurt and confusion in his eyes. Like I was rejecting him personally. I feel okay making a selfish decision like this. And I understand it would be hard not to take it personal. And I know some part of him thinks he can seduce this decision away. (And don’t get me started on this issue. That one is definitely another post on it’s own.)

We had a date with our dogs at the dog park set up for the following day, for yesterday evening… but he bailed. Coincidence?

the one

April 15, 2016

Had a hot couch date last night. 🙂

I love when you first start dating someone, and how it feels good just to sit with them. Like, you smile just because your legs are touching. All the good feels are bursting out. It’s my favorite.

I got caught up for a few years about that sexual charge feeling. You know, that new and exciting person that wants you… And those feels are nice too. Full of lust and want. And they want it too. It just oozes (sometimes literally) from you.

But this is a more calm state of being. Both have their merits. For sure. But this is a grow old with someone, keep ’em forever, buy a house, have babies sort of feeling. I haven’t had this feeling… maybe in forever. I mean, I’ve had small flickers of moments like this. But even when I was married I didn’t feel that consistently.

I didn’t realize this feeling… versus the rip-clothes-off-and-fuck-for-days feeling was ONE THOUSAND TIMES BETTER. No. Infinitely better.

Don’t get me wrong though. There’s definitely heat here. I’ve never dated someone I find this attractive. I feel like the luckiest gal on the planet. I can’t keep my hands off of him. Or my lips. But… there’s way way way more than just lust.

I hate throwing around phrases like “I’ve never felt this way” when starting a new relationship because all my friends say that. One guy after the other… It’s always “This is totally and completely different”. Then three months later they hate each other or it’s 6 months later and they haven’t had sex in 4 months and they don’t know how to break up with them. It’s so cliche and I absolutely hate being cliche. But… guys? This is different! And I’ve NEVER felt this before. The future feels good with him. I can see it. And it transcends all the negative relationship woes that I usually feel when thinking about commitment. That dread I’ve felt about marriage and the whole family thing… it’s not there right now.

And I always have to qualify with this because of my logical math brain. I know its early yet. I know things can go badly and in a hurry. I know I know I know. But…

He’s the one.

And I hope to god I’m not writing you guys in a few weeks, months, or even years saying “I guess he wasn’t…”

And if do? If I’m wrong about this..? I’m switching teams and trying out the ladies.