Posts Tagged ‘reckless’


September 12, 2016

I feel like that’s been a blog title before in the past… won’t be the last!!

So… remember the whole celibacy thing? yeah. I slipped up.

Actually it was more than a small slip up. It was a whirly shit show of an amazing night. But… I definitely took it too far this time. DEFINITELY.

My morality compass just took the biggest nose dive I’ve ever taken!

So let me incriminate myself a little by divulging…

Went out with my friends on friday. It started out super casual. I’ve got jeans on and a v-neck. Beers at a local brewery. The game was on. I don’t care at all about football but my girlfriend was wanting to watch. So we sat and drank from mid-second quarter to how ever many overtimes it took for us to win. Whatever. Not the important part.

After that a couple of other girls joined us. One was my best friend. They came dressed to impressed and ready to party. Clearly they were looking for something more than low key brewery.

So we packed up and went to an Irish pub. This also was NOT good enough for them. I was having a perfectly fine time. In fact I talked to an old man at the bar about our religious and spiritual back grounds and… well… fore grounds I guess. It was fun and he introduced me to a new drink. The Colorado Bull Dog. YUM!!! So you see, this was the type of evening I was happy to be having.

My friends, still being unsatisfied talked me into the next location. My original friend dropped out at this point. We decided on a new place. Never been, but you can’t be picky after 1am in Little Rock.

We go. We sit and drink. Hangout. My best friend’s friend is getting annoyed and I can’t tell why. But I have a feeling it was because she wasn’t being hit on like crazy. She’s insanely gorgeous and is probably use to being out and fawned over 100 % of the time. It just wasn’t the type of place and we weren’t mingling. We were just sitting at a table. I was still happy. Of course, I had zero expectation. We are there til about 4am.

As I’m walking to my car someone starts coming at me asking if I’m going to the cowboy. Which is one of only 4 places still open in town. I say, “Nope! Headed home!” But I stand there while he closes the gap between us. We talk. We flirt. It’s getting a bit cold out and I start to rub my hands on my arms to warm up with the friction. He grabs me and says here I’ll warm you up. And he hugs me. It’s nice. He’s cute. The flirting has been way too fun to resist the touch.

He starts talking about cuddling… and lets be honest for a second. Cuddling is something that all humans crave. Strangers. Loved ones. We just need to be touched. It’s our nature. Guys use this line because it works! It’s not just me. It’s not just my slutty tendencies. It’s just too damn appealing. “Your place or mine?” We chose mine because it was closer.

We stayed out by his truck for a minute in my parking lot so that he could smoke a cigarette. Sat on his tailgate. He’s one of those truck driving, country listening guys. But hey, I listen to country.

He asked if I had any alcohol inside. My only thought was what about the cuddling??? We talk more about more things. we flirt even more. It’s all just one big flirt tho, so lets not kid ourselves into thinking that this is in any way a life changing conversation. I don’t remember how the subject came up. Coke. Something he rarely does, but at their first location that night someone was offering and he went for it. I’ve never done this. And I’m trying to figure out how he brought it up in a way that made me react the way I did.

I basically said that I don’t do drugs. I’m not against trying anything once, but also my family has some strong addictive tendencies so any use scares me. He lit up a the “try anything once” phrase.

“Wanna try it with me?”


And that was that. We partied. Did a line. Laughed a lot. Did a line. Then clothes came off. And we were all over the place. Everywhere. Repeat. For hours and hours. While I do think I crossed a line that I don’t want to continue down, I can admit that I had a great time. And the conversations after doing it…

My mind opened up. My anxiousness lifted. I said what I wanted. I wasn’t blocked by being nervous. It’s like I knew what I felt and I knew what I wanted. And guys, I rarely feel that certain about what I want and feel. I can barely get words around those ideas. But it became easy. And that is the part I enjoyed. That part felt good.

It was reckless. Yet again, I’m being reckless. So… let the cycle continue. Taking my control back. All of it.

Can’t help but feel this line was just too far out there this time tho. I’m beating myself up over it. And it’s definitely warranted.


August 18, 2015

I’m so dissatisfied right now. Had a binge eating session last night. Emotional hangover from that today. Guilt. Shame. The whole deal.

Job: I feel useless. There are rare day where I feel needed. But as the newest member of the team… I’m pretty disposable right now. I miss my old position where I was actually good at it. I kicked ass. Now, I’m a baby again… needing to be spoon fed everything it seems.

relationship status: I loved being apart of a couple with M. I miss him. I miss that. And now… I’m just all over the place, once again. Too many options and too many directions. At this point I can drop them all and be just as dissatisfied in life. I was in communication with 4 guys just last night between the hours of 9 and 11 and really only 1 that I’d care to actually be with, of course, he’s the least likely of the 4 because of time and distance. I need a good flogging. Gah, I want that. NEED that. A good flogging and a good after-care cuddle sesh.

Workouts: My damn motivation changes from week to week and its really bugging me. I signed up for the gauntlet and i’m pretty much dreading every obstacle right now. I have exactly a month to get ready for it. Gonna be stupid… I’ll walk away feeling terrible about myself. I hope I’m wrong about this. Overall I’m doing well. I even lost 10 pounds in the last 2 months that feels pretty damn good. But… like I said, every week feels different.

Restless: I need a vacation in the biggest way possible. But vacationing alone? I don’t know that I’m a good enough person to be able to do that and not cry myself to sleep every night, or pick up some rando at the closest bar to my hotel where ever I go. Reckless. Purely reckless. And I’ll still be just as dissatisfied, but also gain a side of disgust. I’ve even thought about getting back on tinder JUST to find a vacation buddy… how pathetic is that. “Need vacation buddy for one week in September. Series inquiries only”. I’M PATHETIC!

I just wanna throw the biggest pity party today.

bad day bad day bad day

It’ll pass.