Posts Tagged ‘pregnancy’

my sister: the rock star

June 13, 2016

So, I’m in Louisiana with my sister this week. She is 39 weeks pregnant and ready to dispense this child at any second.

I honestly don’t know how she does the things that she does. She is a rock star. And not just the fact that at 39 weeks pregnant and counting she is still running 2 miles a day. Not just because of where she got in her career at such a young age. And not just because the awesome humans she is raising. She just has a way of dealing with life that is so admirable to me.

My niece is 4. And the biggest diva. She’s both demon and angel within the same breath. To say she is a bit difficult is an understatement. So sweet tho! She’s a little cuddle bug. She’s full of random “I love you”s and excitement just at the sight of you coming in the door. She has such a big heart. She’s sassy and sure. She has life all figured out. If these darn adults could just get out of her way!

And my nephew… He’s 10. He looooves video games. He’s so so smart. He is so sensitive too. He is just like I was. Except his feelings are closer to the surface. I was the kid that didn’t participate because I was terrified at embarrassing myself. And when I did embarrass myself I’d clam up. This kid visibly holds back tears. I know exactly how he feels. And I can’t wait for him to figure out what I have in my lifetime. But it’s his own to figure out. One day he’ll realize every one has fears. Every one has insecurities. And its okay to mess up. It’s okay to not know what you are doing. It’s okay. He’ll get there. Just hate that it’ll take him more than 20 years to get there. He’ll get there. Don’t you wish our wisdom was easier accepted by those that haven’t taken our path yet? But we humans don’t work that way. We are too curious. We aren’t satisfied with other’s experiences and outcomes. We have to trial and error all on our own. He’ll get there.

I love when he is having a good time. His smile is beautiful. He’s a handsome boy already, but when he smiles it changes his whole face and it’s just beyond this world adorable and lovely. I just love it. This kid. He creates such good emotion in me that it hurts from bursting at the seams.

Back to my sister. She’s amazing. She puts up with so much judgment from people and family that it makes me sick. But she just works it. I don’t know how she ignores it. My sensitive soul would have me hiding in the corner… no hiding under the rock in the corner. Or  moving to Alaska. But she just proves to every one how inadequate they are and how rock star she is. She conquers everything life hands her.

She has/does the same fuck ups the rest of us have had and done. She gambles the same way the rest of us do with our decisions. But life always gave her the hardest out comes. She just kind of gathers them all up and adds them to her trophy case. I’ll always look up to her for how she handles things.

I’ve been here a week and I want to tear my eyes out because of the kids and the noise and the activity going on. I love them, but why do we have to have cartoons, video games, and noisy toys all going on at once?!?! And this is her life.

Maybe one day I’ll be as cool as her. But I’m not holding my breath for it!

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things i dislike…

January 8, 2016
  • When compliments are fished for. I don’t like stroking egos for the sake of an ego being stroked. I like to give compliments where they are needed and when they are evoked from me implicitly. I want to be inspired so strongly that it pops out! Or to lift someone’s spirit with one. But if I, for one second, think that this compliment is only going to inflate an already inflated head, I won’t do it. I will keep it. Even if its a noteworthy and an earned compliment. I keep it.
  • Carrying a clip board… there is no way to not look like a douche bag carrying one of those. It’s like mustaches… there’s no way to make it look good. I don’t care who you are (I’m talkin to you Tom Sellek, just because I wouldn’t recognize you without it doesn’t mean its doing anything to improve your look). A clip board says you think you are important. A clipboard says I’m about to boss you around. It says I’ve gotta boss so many people around that I can’t even memorize the list so see? I carry it on me.
  • Dreams about being pregnant… Or deciding on pregnancy… I wake up sad. And its probably not even literally about having a baby. It’s something less intuitive or whatever, right? Whatever.
  • Being unmotivated. Just get up and go, gah! I’m a type A person. So, my happy place is crossing off a check list and getting shit done. That alone gives me sooooo many feel goods… So being unmotivated makes me have the same amount of feels, but they are bad feels. I hate feeling the bad feels. Get up and go!
  • When money and/or distance is a pain point. Money and distance just shouldn’t be a factor in decisions or matters of the heart.
  • Not being able to say certain things because I don’t want to hurt feelings. This runs my verbal life. I put words on a pedal-stool because I can’t take them back. They are the most permanent thing on this planet. So usually if I’m in doubt, I keep them to myself, but… It’s not always healthy.
  • When someone says I’m “too nice”. Bitch please! This is a choice! I EFFING WANT TO BE NICE! BACK OFF! Just because I make you feel bad because you make all your decisions based on only your own wants and desires doesn’t mean you need to pull me into your selfish game.
  • When a friend chooses an ugly bridesmaid’s dress. A lot of us make fun of this. We joke about a bride being the best looking in the wedding party, and going as far as sabotaging the whole bridesmaid’s look. THIS IS REAL! I am in a wedding in a few weeks. My friend, the bride, is one of these woman. She has insecurities that run so deep she doesn’t even know about them. But they manifest themselves in ways like picking a bridesmaid’s dress that puffs out hips in a round marshmallow way instead of a curvy sexy way. I hate to think these decisions weren’t made subconsciously but I know her… and she thought about it. This is the same chick that made me turn around to go get my wedding ring that I accidentally left on the sink before going on a night on the town (when I was married and she wasn’t engaged). I said, “Oh shoot, I forgot my ring.” We are a mile from my house, not far, but super inconvenient. “You HAVE to turn around. Nu uh, you can’t go downtown without that.” She didn’t want me to even slightly appear available next to her. Maybe I should be flattered by this one, but I just find it odd and manipulating. True story. Anyway, back to the dress. I have a philosophy that I live by. I have gone against this time and time again, and each time I go against it I hate myself ALL day long. Philosophy: Never leave the house until you feel cute in what you are wearing. This really effects my self esteem. Its not worth saving time on settling for an outfit. I need to think I look cute. I don’t care who else thinks it. *I* need to think this. But in this dress I feel huge and frumpy. I’ll be the one at the wedding curled up (possibly under a table) with a stolen bottle of champagne. No, not the girl with the glass… the one next to her chugging from the bottle. (Wow, I really ranted about that one. Moving right along.)
  • When what-ifs take up even the most minuscule moment of my cognitive space. What-ifs take everything good out of the present. They are simply torture. I think If I was ever being questioned by the CIA you’d just have to put me in a room with all my what-ifs. It won’t be long that I’ll say anything and beg to be out of that room. I love now. And what-ifs just try to make me question everything, even all the things going right.
  • When people don’t yield when entering round-abouts. There’s one right outside of my apartment complex. Laying on my horn didn’t become a natural reflex till I started having to do this round-about multiple times a day. I honk like a New Yorker now. (Is that a thing?)
  • Being on-call on the weekends. Does this need any more explaining?? That’s me this weekend, btw.

Most of these bullet points merit a full blog post. But for the sake of positivity I’m going to get all the negative stuff down and out of the way. And because they are in my brain NOW and need OUT!

Happy Friday all!

twins, nieces, and dreams

June 18, 2015

My sister is in town!!! And while I have moments that I DESPERATELY miss her, the biggest joy of her visits as of the last few years is getting to spend time with my niece. She is a tea cup sized me. AND SO ADORABLE (if I do say so myself)!

Me and my sister are fraternal twins. And her daughter is my replica. I always wanted a little girl that looks like me.

The fact that my sister had her is truly bitter/sweet. First and foremost I got a mini me without actually having to destroy any part of my body to bring her into the world. Sorry, sis, but thanks for doing me this solid! But secondly, I wasn’t the one that got to feel her flutters and kicks from within and selfishly/selflessly hoard her all to myself for 9 months…

Maybe one day I’ll have a tea cup sized twin cousin for this little gal. Or now that I think on it, maybe my new dream is to have a tea cup sized human that looks like my twin sis 🙂