Posts Tagged ‘polyamory’

missing panman

March 2, 2016

Panman was becoming one of my closest friends. I value him. I respect him. I enjoy him.

When I didn’t break up with A he stopped speaking to me. He didn’t even listen to my reasoning. He didn’t let me talk it out with him. I needed him to be open.

I miss him. It’s not fair. I want him back. Why can’t I have my friend back. He has his person. And I have mine. Why can’t that be okay?

I feel like there is a weird double standard somewhere in all this. He wanted me to join him in his open relationship but he isn’t willing to be third party to mine? Okay, no I don’t want that, I just meant… Why does it have to be in that capacity for him to accept me as a person and friend?

I wish he would hear me out. I haven’t talked to him in 3 days. And it feels like forever.

And I know I say “friendship” and I know I wish that is where we could leave it. But at the same time I just want to crawl in his lap and have him hold me and call me his baby girl. Tell me I’m perfect and beautiful and stroke my hair.

Where does that even come from? Why is that desire there? I want to be with A. And I don’t need a romantic relationship with panman…. but I want him to shelter me all the same.

I guess I have some double standard-ing going on too. Just… don’t know how to reconcile it all.

I miss him.

panman & mommy

March 2, 2016

Panman and Mommy made their relationship official last weekend. They have also declared it an open relationship. Not many rules except to stay honest about everything.

He has asked me to join them. But he’s giving me very different tunes depending on what argument he is making. He says… I’ll have a relationship with him. And he’ll have a relationship with mommy.

First off… I struggled with an open relationship before. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just live and let live about it. My heart and mind conflicted constantly. It was literally giving me nightmares.

I really liked mommy the first time we met. An instant fondness. But I have to be honest, she hit her peak with me that night. Ever since she’s been constantly slipping in my mind. I don’t like how promiscuous she is. I don’t like how flippant she is with panman. I don’t like that look of discontentment I see in her eyes. And I know that my dislike stems from a place of wanting to protect panman. Maybe even a bit of jealously. I’m not above admitting that. I think a lot of the worry in my mind was about giving panman an STD, and in my mind that would possibly effect me! I mean, if I broke up with A and if I decided to give this open relationship a shot.

I realize, this line of thought or this “relationship” isn’t my finest moment. I didn’t want to cheat on A, but if I was discontented with A and I felt some jealousy and territorial over panman… then… its worth thinking about how mommy could directly effect my life.

But I did consider that panman could be right. It may just be me and him. and him and her would be completely separate and I’d never have to deal with her. And I kind of believe him when he says that he can give all we need… without feeling neglected ever. I don’t know how this is possible but I believed him.

Then one day last week while I was going back and forth with him about me and A and the impending breakup… he tells me that him and mommy need me. This statement hit me weird. I don’t want to be with mommy. I didn’t even want to be someone she could depend upon. What does that say about my feelings for panman? Shouldn’t I be inspired to love who he loves? to value who he values? to uplift who he deems worthy?

It hit me so hard considering that her well being had anything to do with me. It scared the shit out of me. And appropriately so. It reality checked me.

I already know I can’t do this open thing. I already lived part of this. I was getting caught up in being wanted by someone.

Having feelings for the situation and not the person. Longing to be desired. Longing to be appreciated.

I’m telling you tho, after this weekend all the appropriate bubbles were popped. My reality came shining through. Thank goodness I caught hold of that before I jumped into an even messier situation than I could deal with. If I was having nightmares before… Then this could certainly turned into a living nightmare.

at war

October 16, 2015

I’ve had nightmares all week. It’s strange… I don’t remember any details. I just know I was scared and I didn’t enjoy it. All week I’ve been stuck in this level of sleep that doesn’t quite let me rest.

I’m struggling with something. There is something I’m not at ease about. And I know what it is.


My personal convictions are butting heads with my current situation. My mind is fighting my history. My new views and opinions and experiences are at war with what I’ve known.

Sir keeps saying… it’s my conditioning. And that’s exactly right. We are taught from the moment we are able to enjoy tv shows and cartoons… That one knight with the one princess. It’s so ingrained. SO deeply ingrained that I am not struggling on the surface. I’M A HAPPY GIRL THESE DAYS! I’m not struggling till I’m asleep. This is so crazy. I feel the war going on. And there’s no way to speed up this processing. I just have to deal with it. Go with it. And think through everything as it comes up.

I’m enjoying the opportunity to buck up against the things in life I considered truths. I like questioning things I’ve never considered movable. There’s something about it that feels good. I’m developing me. I’m cultivating my own thoughts and opinions. I’m making up my own mind. It feels amazing. At the same time, it truly is a war. I’m struggling.

In any war, there will be a victor. And to be honest. At this point… I don’t know which side I will go with. But I do know that at the end of the war I’ll be my own person, holding on to my own beliefs, and going through life with a new set of beliefs. My very own caliber of integrity. I love that. And even if the end result is just that I personally can’t do it, I still will have a more open mind to the world and those relationships around me. I’ll have a whole new appreciation.

I love the fact that I can love more than one person. That I can have relationships, one for each of my needs. And that everyone is in harmony with. Everyone knows everything. It’s so freeing. But, I feel the fight. I talk to Andy about Sir. I talk to Sir about Andy… and I constantly fight the urge to lie, or spin the truth, or down play certain things. Why is it so natural to be deceptive? I hope to relearn this especially. To be open about everything. The truth only leads to deeper connections. That’s what I’ve re-learned so far. And there’s nothing regretful about that!

lingerie shopping

October 8, 2015

Sir: Going to go Lingerie shopping. Just letting you know

me: Oooooh ok. on Tuesday. Mentally preparing already!

Sir: You shouldn’t have to. You should know I will use my best judgment and you will BE confident in my decisions.

me: Yes, sir.

Sir: Did I not do good with the dress?

me: I loved your dress pick! I do trust you.

Sir: Good… good.

So I had a mini panic attack, like I did when he said he wanted to put me in a dress. I hate that my body image makes thinking about this less enjoyable. I’ve never gotten myself lingerie before. The only time I’ve received lingerie was from my lingerie shower before I got married.

I get home from work on Tuesday filled with energy… so I start making dinner. Thinking that Sir could either eat it or I’d have it for lunch tomorrow. I wasn’t quite sure what his dinner plans were for us, if any. He gets off work a little later than I do and in the next town over. Less than an hour later he walks into my apartment just as I’m completely finished. He’s pleased to find food upon his arrival. My subbie-self is happy he’s pleased.

Any way, we finish up and head out. I am aware that I became less and less chatty as we approach the mall. Ugh. My nerves are eating at me. We get out of the car… he’s telling a story of his first ski trip and I’m trying to participate. We walk into the mall, and the mall smell hits me. I feel like all malls smell the exact same way. I hate shopping so this association does not help my nerves at all. In fact as a child I’d come home from every shopping trip throwing up from a migraine. Going to the mall with my mom and 4 siblings was NEVER a quick trip. Awful, awful and alllll day. And there were too much of us to afford to sit and eat out somewhere, so we wouldn’t eat for what seemed like all day, hence the migraine. Even more of a side note, this is exactly why I always have food on me when I leave the house!

Victoria secrets. Sigh. I’ve gone in here before… with my sister. For my sister. For my friends…. For my friend’s girlfriends. Never for me.

We walk in. I’m a step behind Sir more because of instincts but also because of dread. He pulls his Dom eyes out. I am immediately put at ease by those. Trust happens in that moment. I just follow him. Touch the fabrics he touches. Comment on what he asks me to comment on. But ultimately he settles on one. Part silk and part lace. Not at all scandelous. A sweet kind of sexy. A deep maroon color. One of my favorites. He hands it to me and we find a dressing room. I put it on. It’s perfect. The length, the cut around my tiny tiny tiny microscopic boobs,the color, the material, the way I feel.

I crack the door of my dressing room, poke my head out… but not venturing any more of me out of the room… there were a few other guys waiting on their women too. He comes to me. And he isn’t looking at me. He’s looking in the mirror behind me. That gives him a great view of my ass. The length stops right above the bottom curve of my cheeks…. With a narrow strip of lace that extends the length of the back. “Yes?” “Yes.” It’s settled. That’s all it took!!?

We head back to the rack we got it off of to grab the matching T-back panties that go with it. As I’m sifting thru to find my size he says, “You think Andy will like it?”

I flashed my eyes at him, trying to contain the excitement of what I think he just said to me. He notices my excitement and also my hesitation and answers my silent question, “I am giving you permission to wear it for him.”

This man just took me lingerie shopping for another love interest?!

All I can think is this poly thing is pretty cool. And I have the best dom EVER!

what next?

October 7, 2015

When beginning my Dom search I was heart broken from my break up from M. I didn’t have any desire to date anyone else. I didn’t have the energy. I didn’t have enough heart space for it. Definitely not enough brain space.

Investing in my kink seemed like a really good recovery maneuver. Find someone that would give me more experiences. Find more things I like. And didn’t like. Find my limits. Find out what I was capable of. So I met with a few people. Played with another. Then Sir T entered scene.

But somewhere in my search, M began to take up less and less space without me even realizing it. Then I look up one day and I’m super pumped about Andy! But… now what? My dom made it clear that he is poly. If I see someone I want or gain feelings for someone, he wouldn’t stand in the way of that. He never wants to interfere with it. But this is such a foreign idea to me.

First, I felt guilty for having done anything with Andy in the first place. I felt I had betrayed my Dom. But I didn’t. I stayed within the rules of our relationship. But I still couldn’t speak about this with him that easily.

Second, there is no way in HELL Andy would understand any of this.

Third, this Andy thing is way too early to be breaking other commitments in my life just for him, right? But is this fair to ask of him? There are two kinds of guys in this world: the kind that casually date and the kind that don’t. And I had a feeling Andy was the latter. As he well deserves commitment from someone. He was expressing a lot more feelings than someone casual. It felt way more than casual and it was JUST THE BEGINNING. It never felt casual with Andy. I never felt, as he dragged me to his truck, that he was looking for a one night stand. And a girl knows these things whether she admits it out loud or not.

Fourth, I thought this was a cross roads. I have to pick one or the other. But how do I do that at this point? But I knew that I’d have to.

So, I finally put on my big girl panties and brought it up with Sir T. I brought with me all my feelings of guilt and shame and all my tendencies that try to spare everyone’s feelings. Then something happened that I’m just not woman enough to wrap my mind around! He was happy for me. He was excited. He was…. encouraging.

Now, I knew he was poly and this still CAUGHT ME COMPLETELY OFF GUARD! I expected jealousy. I expected him to talk me out of it. I expected some sort of guilt trip. There was zero of that. Knowing about poly and experiencing it is absolutely different. It’s so freeing to be able to discuss someone you have strong feelings for with someone you are in a sexual relationship with.

After sharing my excitement I asked, “What next?” And he dove right in. He went through different scenarios that he’s been involved in. How it worked. How it failed. Different options I had. He had his Dom eyes on while coaching me through it. Those eyes that draw respect and appreciation out of me so fast that it amazes me every time.

Basically I had three options.

1) Sir T would be a ghost. We make sure we don’t leave marks. We don’t tell Andy about it. I hated this option. I was feeling way too much for him to lie to him. Lying seeps into all parts of my brain and saturates the whole relationship and completely soaks it in gasoline… the smallest spark blows it up.

2) Tell him I’m poly. Explain what this means to me: I have someone else in my life I want to keep. He can get on board or walk away. I wouldn’t open up about the kink side of my life. We would still have to worry about marks and bruising.

3) Put everything on the table. Explain about my d/s relationship and the purpose it serves in my life and why I want to keep it. Explain that it is an open relationship. And again, he chooses if he can handle being apart of that or not.

I went with option 3. And I did it while still in my big girl panties and still empowered by Sir T’s advice. I called Andy. “I have something I’d like to discuss with you, but I need three things from you before we start. I need you to listen, keep an open mind, then tell me what you need.” And I jumped in. Explaining my submissive role and my masochistic needs that Sir T satiates. I left nothing out. I couldn’t believe I was saying all this.

Andy’s response was even more incredible than Sir T’s. “I can keep an open mind. I can get on board with this.”

WHAT!?!? My heart exploded in that moment!


September 23, 2015
Sir T is poly. He believes in open relationships. And we aren’t dating. We are strictly d/s. Basically this means that, while I am his sub, I can have sex with anyone I want with one caveat. I get permission in advance and make sure I keep all parties safe in the process. He just really wants to be in on my sexual loop. Makes sense. He does have a hard no-other-Dom policy. That makes sense too.
He has a few other subs. He isn’t jealous, and I don’t feel stingy with him either. I feel rather open to it actually. I like that I can be open with him about guys. and about everything. If I’ve got some sort of date lined up he is cool with that. Not that I’m pursuing that very actively right now.  But things come up. He just wishes me well. “Have fun.” And if I’m stressed about another boy. Fine. He will help be a stress relief. He actually is pretty good about giving me a different perspective on things. It shifts my gears for me. Helps me take a calmer look at things. I’m so grateful for it. And I’m very very happy about it.
In fact… More and more I think on polyamorous relationships the more I can buy into it. If me and my husband had an open relationship… We would still be married. He’d make a great life partner – someone light hearted to grow gray with. He’d make a great father. Great friend. Great provider. But… we weren’t enough for each other. Can’t help but wonder… Wish I had been more opened minded when I was younger.