Posts Tagged ‘pity party’

pity party

December 16, 2015

We had our Christmas luncheon today for work. They try to make it fun for us. They always have a skit or a talent show or something planned. Always a fun time. Usually I’m part of the entertainment. This year I wasn’t asked. And I didn’t think much about it. Was happy I wouldn’t have to practice for something and experience soooooo many nerves the day of.

So I head to the lunch. I car pool with a few of the guys on my team. Turns out that they did have a skit planned… and a few songs performed.

It was a Family Feud skit. How fun, right?! WRONG. BIG FAT WRONG. It would’ve been hilarious. Okay, I did enjoy most of it, but my ex-husband was in the skit. Ugh. Great. I can deal. We get along. Just hate his presence being thrown in my face all the damn time.

Like, when I get on facebook. I’ve taken great care to make sure he doesn’t pop up on my feed. On any social media for that matter. But when I get on facebook or snapchat and I see my little brother (who currently lives in my old house with my ex husband and ex dog) post pics of my old fire place with my dog it hits me really really hard. My little brother IS ON A DAMN CHRISTMAS CARD with my ex and his friends this year. So so so sensitive is my family towards me, right? I FUCKING HATE IT.

Anyway, the ex exits the stage. Raffle drawing. Christmas cake. Yada yada yada. “And two beautiful ladies have prepared a song to sing for us.”

This is the sort of situation that a flask was created for… Or you know that pill that people get embedded under the skin between their index finger and thumb with a poisonous pill that kills you instantly…?

Who gets up? My ex husband’s ex mistress. And singing about Mary and baby Jesus no less!

To round out the wonderful day I had I come home to a message from my family saying we aren’t doing our Christmas thing til the 26th… and that we can’t crash with them at all… I’ll have to get a hotel and I can’t bring my pup. Thanks for the full 10 days notice. Original plan? Wee were all bunking at my brothers on Christmas eve after a Christmas eve service together. We were going to play cards and drink eggnog.  I was taking my pup, and we were all going to wake up and open gifts and drink coffee. It’s tradition.

I’m pissed at my brother for changing plans. And I cry when I’m mad. So I’m going to bed with tear filled eyes, and puffy cheeks from wiping tears away. And inviting my pillow to join me. Rational or not, I’m indulging in this pity party. HMPH!

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Priorities

June 30, 2015

I feel like a lot of events happen in our life and we don’t see or feel the significance of them until later… till after the dust settles. Then you look back on those times and see what you learned and be grateful for the experience.

Right now is not one of those moments. It’s not one that I need to wait to look on. I see this intersection as plain as myself in the mirror. This is a defining moment.

I’ve had a few friend issues lately. Multiple friends. These issues are propagating from a few people I’d consider to be my “deeper” relationships. It makes me question all the way down to the relationships’ foundation. And not just the foundation of those individual friendships, but to the whole way I go about picking, forming, grooming, and pruning (or lack of pruning) my friends.

I’ve come to realize the value I place on the people in my life. And the bond I have with them. I’ve more importantly come to realize that not all people place this much weight on said relationships. And it’s been through heart break after heart break that I’m finally coming to see this… and actually I didn’t even see it on my own. A friend that I was chatting out these “issues” with suggested it… and It was the biggest light bulb I’ve had since my first week at my first job when I realized saying “I don’t know” is the smartest thing you can say.

We all have a value system. And its all just a list of priorities. This whole friendship deal… That one is high on my list. Other people have their priorities in another order. And it doesn’t make it wrong. It just makes it painful for me at times. But what am I doing that is paining them? Maybe I’m belittling one of their higher priorities. Gah! I sure hope I don’t hurt someone the way I’m hurting right now.

Anyway, this intersection of my life: What will I do with my light bulb moment? Do I cast off the “friends” with a priority list that is completely different than mine? Do I settle for friends that don’t give anything, while I do my circus, hoop jumping act on a regular basis? I don’t know. I don’t know what is right. Maybe there’s a balance I have to find. I do know that I’m in pain today. I’m not scared of pain… but, who wouldn’t rather not be in pain? Do my priories mean that I have to settle on my friendships?

I don’t know… I just know I’m at a cross roads. And I also think I need to change something. But I’m not sure what, and I don’t know to what extent.

And I’m trying not to throw too much of a pity party about it, but I’m really trying to meditate on what I can truly do to either “fix” it or what perspective I need to change to shift it.

Thinking out loud today….