Posts Tagged ‘perspective’

dear m

November 17, 2015

I got a drunk text from M a few weeks back. “Whenever you want to date again just let me know. Drunk text.”

Funny what a little perspective shift will do to a woman. The heart broken me in the middle of July would take this and run with it. I would’ve been dating him again in a heart beat. And him sober would be like WTF and a month later he would’ve broken up with me again. Stupid cycle.

The happy me sees straight through it. He’s qualifying what he is saying even while drunk! He is already giving himself an out for 12 hours later when I say “hey lets hang out.” I see it plain as day!

Us women… can’t give us advice for anything. My mom and sister and friends told me the whole time I fought with this guy… I deserve better. Perspective. It’s a funny thing.

So after this drunk text I waited for a time I knew he’d be sober and I told him I was dating someone new. A few days later he told me he wasn’t man enough to be friends with me. While that is extremely unsettling for me because I can’t stand to make enemies or have people mad at me or be in any kind of discord with another human, I am okay with his declaration. He told me he will block me and ignore me where blocking isn’t an option. I get it.

Dear M,

You dictated every step of our relationship. When we (finally) made it official (and very reluctantly). You dictated when it ended. Then when it ended again. Everything was driven by what you allowed. So why, then, can you not handle me with someone else? If you wanted me, you would’ve kept me. I know I’m as awesome as you think I am. I know I’m someone you valued and held dear and even loved. But I’m not THE ONE. And thats okay. But I never want to be something you settled on because I’m a great influence on your life. The light in the dark, if you don’t mind me being dramatic. I thank you for letting me be apart of it for awhile. I loved you feircly and I would’ve put up with all your moody bullshit. And gladly. But you don’t want me. Don’t forget that in your drunken stupers.

Bye M.

Priorities

June 30, 2015

I feel like a lot of events happen in our life and we don’t see or feel the significance of them until later… till after the dust settles. Then you look back on those times and see what you learned and be grateful for the experience.

Right now is not one of those moments. It’s not one that I need to wait to look on. I see this intersection as plain as myself in the mirror. This is a defining moment.

I’ve had a few friend issues lately. Multiple friends. These issues are propagating from a few people I’d consider to be my “deeper” relationships. It makes me question all the way down to the relationships’ foundation. And not just the foundation of those individual friendships, but to the whole way I go about picking, forming, grooming, and pruning (or lack of pruning) my friends.

I’ve come to realize the value I place on the people in my life. And the bond I have with them. I’ve more importantly come to realize that not all people place this much weight on said relationships. And it’s been through heart break after heart break that I’m finally coming to see this… and actually I didn’t even see it on my own. A friend that I was chatting out these “issues” with suggested it… and It was the biggest light bulb I’ve had since my first week at my first job when I realized saying “I don’t know” is the smartest thing you can say.

We all have a value system. And its all just a list of priorities. This whole friendship deal… That one is high on my list. Other people have their priorities in another order. And it doesn’t make it wrong. It just makes it painful for me at times. But what am I doing that is paining them? Maybe I’m belittling one of their higher priorities. Gah! I sure hope I don’t hurt someone the way I’m hurting right now.

Anyway, this intersection of my life: What will I do with my light bulb moment? Do I cast off the “friends” with a priority list that is completely different than mine? Do I settle for friends that don’t give anything, while I do my circus, hoop jumping act on a regular basis? I don’t know. I don’t know what is right. Maybe there’s a balance I have to find. I do know that I’m in pain today. I’m not scared of pain… but, who wouldn’t rather not be in pain? Do my priories mean that I have to settle on my friendships?

I don’t know… I just know I’m at a cross roads. And I also think I need to change something. But I’m not sure what, and I don’t know to what extent.

And I’m trying not to throw too much of a pity party about it, but I’m really trying to meditate on what I can truly do to either “fix” it or what perspective I need to change to shift it.

Thinking out loud today….