Posts Tagged ‘pain’

hospital part 2

December 27, 2016

I’m curled up onto my ex-husband in the waiting room for all of 2 minutes before my name is called. I’m so grateful. The pain. Just take the pain away… it’s the only thought I have. I b-line (with assistance) to the wheel chair no one offered me… but I knew I couldn’t stand much less walk on my own. Pain.

Someone is wheeling me thru a few door ways. The tunnel is closing in. “Pass out. I’m going to pass out.” “No you aren’t, hun.” White fuzzies take over my entire line of vision. But I never lose consciousness. Another woman barks at me to take off everything from the waist up. I can’t. “I can’t.” “Yes you can. Move to the bed please.” I can’t. “Help.” She pats the bed. I somehow pull off the sweatshirt my brother put on me. And peel off the tiny camisole I stripped down to when I got home from work that afternoon.

I even manage to get on the bed. She’s asking me questions. I can’t answer in more than 2 syllables. I can hardly concentrate on their words. Pain. Please fix my pain. My inner dialog… pain. take the pain away. please help with the pain. “where does it hurt. what kind of pain. how many times have you puked. Do you have gall bladder problems” ON and on and on with the questions. I moan and grunt my way thru. I guess she is satisfied. She leaves. Why didn’t she fix my pain?

The next lady comes in with a jug, A BIG ASS JUG, of liquid. “Okay, hon. You have to drink this for the CT.” More inner dialog. I can’t take a sip of water without puking painfully. There is no way in hell that is staying down and zero chance of me giving it the opportunity. “Ice or no ice, hon?” What is ice? PAIN PAIN PAIN. “Do you want it orange flavored?” Orange? What is orange? More grunting. I must have answered because she threw out the ice and added the orange powder to the jug. She stares at me for a few seconds longer. “I’m just going to set this right here.” She leaves.

The other lady comes back in and shoots a few things into my IV. THANK GOD. It wasn’t life altering but at least it settled my stomach and took the edge off. By this point my whole torso hurt and my stomach was spasming with each exhale and inhale. This was improvement. I started being able to speak. I asked for my mom. They found her and she came to sit with me. She helped me drink the jug of liquid I needed for the CT contrast later.

The CT scan showed that my bowels were completely inflamed. The doctor used the phrase “rip roaring-ly inflamed”. My blood work showed that my white blood cell count was up at 36k. Healthy range is 4k-10k. After that they busted out the good stuff and treated me a lot nicer. Holy f&*#ing $h!t…. Dilaudid is amazing. Felt like a cloud came up around me and enveloped me. Finally relief! and sleep. I was so so grateful. Me and my mom only waited another hour before they admitted me and we were both able to get better rest. I was so glad she was there. I felt awful that she was up all night and worrying with me, but nothing is better at your sickbed than your mommy.

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feels

July 30, 2016

I have too many. A mistake has been made. I’ve been allotted more than my share. I must have taken someone else’s. They are sitting there… all hard to the world… feeling nothing. Do I envy them?  I don’t know. I mean… Normally I feel like this is a gift. But all the feelings are hurting me right now. Like an open attack on my heart. On my mind. On that stupid spot on my forearm…

Must be a mistake.

broken

May 25, 2016

So… I’m having a hard time not covering up this pain by reaching out to someone else. Like, anyone else. I have been in communication with 5 other guys that have shown interest in me in the past… Why am I dumping all this complication on myself on top of all this heartache? Is it worth the tiny ego boost?

I’m standing on the sidelines in my mind screaming at myself to run in the other direction and yet I am completely ignoring it. I’ve already got a play date for next Tuesday with someone who is going to beat me and use the shit out of me until I can’t feel anything. I already have this set up! And it’s with someone that was (is) in love with me. How could I use someone this way? The only fair thing about all this is that I’ve told him everything. That I’m in pain and I’d like to convert that to physical pain. That I crave it. I need it’s centering effects. Worst part after him being in love with me is that me and this guy have a legitimate chance of actually being an incredible couple. We just haven’t had the timing workout in the past.

So how can I be so selfish and needy right now knowing all that? Yet… it’s on the calendar. Therefore it is.

I can’t wait. Can’t wait to be too exhausted to move. Can’t wait to feel so much that my feels shut down and I’m numb. When M broke my heart that’s what I wanted too. For someone to break my body other than my heart. And it worked. It was perfect. I invested in my kink.

Grasping at straws here. The pain is incredible and not in a good way right now. I just want to be broken. Taken to nothing so I can start my way back up to something stronger.

letting go of him and grabbing friends

May 24, 2016

When he broke up with me a few weeks ago I could tell he was still on the fence. He would come over unannounced. We’d talk. I’d cry. He’d leave. I knew he was battling the decision. So I did what any sane girl that is insanely in love would do. I begged the shit out of him. Even in the moment I felt pathetic. But I absolutely couldn’t just let this happen without him knowing my stance on this.

I hated being that girl. But if I still had a say in this decision… By golly I was saying it!

This time… just a few weeks later… Hearing him break up with me again I knew it was different. There was nothing to fight for.

Last time he made the decision out of anger. Pure, raw emotion drove those words. This time… It wasn’t some action that evoked a feeling. He was just… simply… done. So to fight would be futile. I’d be an annoyance. I’m not going to be an annoyance in this situation. If you are done, then I will graciously accept that. I mean, I will cry. And violently so… maybe even in front of you (which, yes, did happen… there was no dignity) but I will still take it like a big girl and let you go.

When I say big girl, I mean I’ll cry like a baby for days and let all my friends carry me through. And they have. I have some of the best people around me.

My best friend brought over wine, pizza, and every single ben and jerry’s flavor that contains cookie dough… there are 3, btw.

Then after a few days of wine and beer binging I had a friend surprise me with Gatorade at my desk on Monday morning.

I love my people. It’s just the perfect moment for people to show me that I’m valued. I needed it. Need it.

So even tho I’m hurting in the worst possible way, I’m grateful for all the other people in my life that would love to take this burden of pain from me. And would do it without thinking if they could. But of course, I wouldn’t let them feel this if they didn’t have to… well, maybe I’d give them just enough of it to take the edge off 🙂 I mean, hey! They offered!

subspace

October 5, 2015

He spent a few minutes in the bedroom preparing something. He called me in. I obeyed immediately. I was sitting on the edge of my seat anyway in the next room – excited with anticipation. All I knew about what was to come was the phrase “heavy session.” I didn’t know exactly what he meant, but I was good just knowing there was a plan! I love when there is forethought. I feel a little less appreciated when our play dates come around and my partner is winging it. But Sir T always has a plan. Always has a next step. Always a progression.

I enter my bedroom. He’s already there. I see it in his eyes. He is all Dom in this moment. I love that. He puts a blind fold on me. In one motion he spins me around, picks me up, and quite literally throws me up and onto the bed. I’m already enjoying every second. He commands me to lie flat, face down. Limb by limb he secures me with rope to the bed. It’s tight. It’s secure. It feels safe and comforting… counter intuitive? Maybe, but masochism doesn’t make sense in and of itself either.

He starts in with the flogger. I love everything about a flogger. I love when it’s used like a weapon. Beating me with the countless tails. I love it when I’m being caressed by one… feeling the leather of each strip every where all at once. When the handle is being pushed into my back or teasing me… I feel everything. Pain. All the pain. All the nerves in my back and ass are on fire. And begging for more.

He uses several toys. Paddles, a crop, other tools I can’t quite determine with the blindfold on. I love the way a crop sounds. It has a purr right before it strikes. I can always recognize this one.

At some point I stop feeling pain. Nothing hurts. And I know I can handle just about anything he wants to do to me. Everywhere that has been touched just feels warm, and every strike following it just leaves me hungry. I’m feeling desperate. I want more and more and more. I can only squirm as much as the rope will let me. I start shaking. I just want more. I don’t feel pain, but my mouth responds to pain. With every blow I’m crying out in pain, but why? I feel nothing but yummy heat. My body is leaning in to every blow, then running away in response. It’s as if there are two of me. One hurting and one enjoying.

He knows where I am, and sees both of me struggling to co-exist. This is where he wants me. He puts his hand on me. On my back. Pressing down. Bringing me back just enough to know I’m okay. He says something. What did he say? I must have responded for he is satisfied with the answer. My ankles are set free. He picks me up at the hips. Forcing my knees under me. Positioning me to receive him. But I’m not here. I’m somewhere else. High on pain and torture in such a blissful way. Before my mind can catch up with my body my wrists are untied one at a time. He slips off the blindfold. But I’m assaulted by the light. Even when I finally do open my eyes, I can’t see straight. Everything is blurry. I lay down. He is close by. Petting me back to reality. It takes so long to come back. I can tell I’m fighting to stay where I was. My body is convulsing. There’s a smile on my face. And tears? Why am I crying? I feel so good. My eyes still can’t see for a long time.

This was by far the most intense session yet. Heavy session?? Yes, again please! I’ve never experienced subspace in such a complete way before. I never quite made it out of my body before… Incredible!

Priorities

June 30, 2015

I feel like a lot of events happen in our life and we don’t see or feel the significance of them until later… till after the dust settles. Then you look back on those times and see what you learned and be grateful for the experience.

Right now is not one of those moments. It’s not one that I need to wait to look on. I see this intersection as plain as myself in the mirror. This is a defining moment.

I’ve had a few friend issues lately. Multiple friends. These issues are propagating from a few people I’d consider to be my “deeper” relationships. It makes me question all the way down to the relationships’ foundation. And not just the foundation of those individual friendships, but to the whole way I go about picking, forming, grooming, and pruning (or lack of pruning) my friends.

I’ve come to realize the value I place on the people in my life. And the bond I have with them. I’ve more importantly come to realize that not all people place this much weight on said relationships. And it’s been through heart break after heart break that I’m finally coming to see this… and actually I didn’t even see it on my own. A friend that I was chatting out these “issues” with suggested it… and It was the biggest light bulb I’ve had since my first week at my first job when I realized saying “I don’t know” is the smartest thing you can say.

We all have a value system. And its all just a list of priorities. This whole friendship deal… That one is high on my list. Other people have their priorities in another order. And it doesn’t make it wrong. It just makes it painful for me at times. But what am I doing that is paining them? Maybe I’m belittling one of their higher priorities. Gah! I sure hope I don’t hurt someone the way I’m hurting right now.

Anyway, this intersection of my life: What will I do with my light bulb moment? Do I cast off the “friends” with a priority list that is completely different than mine? Do I settle for friends that don’t give anything, while I do my circus, hoop jumping act on a regular basis? I don’t know. I don’t know what is right. Maybe there’s a balance I have to find. I do know that I’m in pain today. I’m not scared of pain… but, who wouldn’t rather not be in pain? Do my priories mean that I have to settle on my friendships?

I don’t know… I just know I’m at a cross roads. And I also think I need to change something. But I’m not sure what, and I don’t know to what extent.

And I’m trying not to throw too much of a pity party about it, but I’m really trying to meditate on what I can truly do to either “fix” it or what perspective I need to change to shift it.

Thinking out loud today….