Posts Tagged ‘outlet’

being his

April 29, 2016

Earlier this week I mentioned what a complete bitch I’ve been at work. I’ve let the guys make me angry. And I really let a lot of things bother me that don’t normally get to me.

Thinking about my ex and being pulled down the rejection memory lane. Being upset because I missed a few workouts that were out of my control… I mean super duper upset… just nothing rational about it. And on top of that mitch had been out of town all week interviewing for a job out of state. And that in itself carries with it a variety of emotions. I missed him terribly. I was nervous for him for the interview. I was scared he might actually get the job. I felt like a one woman cheering section for him to help ease his nerves. It was kind of a lot of work. Especially the missing him part. He originally planned on being back on Wednesday, so when he didn’t get in till 8:30 pm on Thursday it already had me a little off.

Meanwhile, mitch felt he tanked his interview. He was so down, and there is only so much you can say to a man that doesn’t feel good enough. It was heartbreaking to hear him talk about. He got to visit friends and family while he was out of town so that was good. But, also, he found out that his really good friend (who is was staying with for the week) is cheating on his wife and got dragged into the plot as an alibi. I could tell he was completely torn about loyalty to his friend and his own morals on the subject of fidelity. Then right before he got to my place he apparently had a phone call with his dad about the interview. The conversation only solidified his feelings of not being good enough. How do people not understand that the most important part about bouncing back from something like that is to encourage and build up. I just don’t see how a parent can be so harsh when their child is already so down. Why on earth would he have added insult to injury??

Before he walked into my apartment I had no idea about the phone call with his dad, but I did notice he was down. I chalked it up to maybe being tired after such a long day and a lot of driving. I even said what’s up with these half-assed kisses. Didn’t you miss me?? I could tell that hit him exactly like I needed it to to pull our connection back after being apart. I always need that. I need some intense affection to undo missing him. If he walked in and barely touched me and we went right to bed, I’d miss him even more while laying next to him. That’s how it went with andy… every weekend. It left me feeling so unfulfilled.

Anyway, as I said, he got my message. We cuddled and made out… for about 5 minutes before heading to the bedroom. THANK GOD! I hate missing someone that long and I needed me some intimacy to set me straight. Is anyone else like this? I don’t think anything short of sex would’ve done it.

But even earlier that day, I could tell I needed something even more than normal.

Before we hit the bedroom I already knew something was different. There was a different kind of need we both had.

Something I haven’t mentioned before about mitch. He is more than just into rough sex. He’s got some kink to him. Of course, we all know that delights the hell out of me. My submissive/masochist side is and forever will be there. He hasn’t had a whole lot of opportunity before me to put much of his sadist side to practice tho. Mostly (I think) he has just experimented with some bondage play. I could be wrong. But that is my understanding.

He took me as his so fully. I haven’t felt this with him before. Not on this level. It was amazing. He got heavier handed than normal and he was even more demanding and needy. He took everything he needed from me. It was so fulfilling. I knew that I’d be thinking about it all day today with each blow. One hit in particular… It was that one hit… it centered me all by itself. Every part of my body and brain reacted to it. What a release! And the rest of “the session” was just icing on the cake. I got to bathe in my subbie side and masochist side and it felt so so so good. It’s been tooooo long. Mitch hasn’t taken me to my limit yet, not even close. We are in the beginning of us. We’re still laying ground work and trying to find the edges. Last night he got a hint of how much more I could possibly handle.

Afterwards we talked about it a little. I like to do this as soon as it feels right… gauge his head space about it. He tells me about his dad’s phone call almost immediately. It made so much sense. I asked if he got out his aggression like he needed. He looked up at me as if a light bulb went off in his mind. Like, “oh, that IS what I was doing.” He so sincerely said, “Yes, yes, I did.” Sir T taught me this too. It’s more than just what you enjoy in bed… it’s an outlet to life’s stress. I loved this look he gave me. And I didn’t have to say anything else about it. I just said, “I needed it too.” And I just curled up on him being his.

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Mr. Dimples

August 4, 2015

I met my fetlife guy yesterday. Let’s see, what to call him… I’ve seen other bdsm blogs, and subs like to call their Dom something specific… not necessarily unique… just specific. Like Sir or Master or Mister or something. But I don’t feel like being formal is necessary… yet.

Let’s call him Dimples… It’s not very reverent is it? Feels a bit wrong. But… oh my goodness…. could’ve just spent the whole time watching those dimples move and change shape and settle back into dimples all day. But of course I was forced to pay attention and actually participate in the conversation. My attention span these days is at an all time low.

And I had to snap myself out of it because this is not a meeting of lovers or potential lovers… we would be on strict D/S terms. Fine by me! Just gotta get use to that idea first. Keep myself in check. Keep circling back to the point. I think it’ll just take a bit of practice.

I keep thinking about this guy. And I really want this type of relationship. I want to be someone’s submissive. I can’t wait! I mean, he is being all slow and steady and building trust and I KNOW he is right and this is the way to go, but I’m ready to get in there. I’m more of a trial and error type than lets write down all the details, study, memorize then maybe go slow and see how it goes. But… Whatever Dimples wants, he’ll get…

And I can’t stop thinking about when I want to date someone. How complicated this could be. I don’t want to just dumped Dimples… (I know, I’m getting way ahead of myself here). I mean, if he’s willing to invest time in me and me in him and build up a d/s relationship… That means a lot to me. And again, I remind myself that I am in no state to date someone… RECOVERY. So that should be a moot point. Right?

Well, something happens when a girl decides she shouldn’t date. All the guys come trickling out of the woodwork like insanely angry bees that just had their hive poked. And they follow you around till you are running away in full force and BAM! You get stung. Right now I’m just trying to ignore the bees, like one should… but that buzzing… its… well… lets just say I feel like an 8 year old boy with a stick. Keeping myself in check is HARD.

So I think that once me and Dimples get going that part will get a lot easier… I’ll have the outlet I need. But I foresee this getting extremely complex.

happy place

July 24, 2015

Well, Melissa didn’t call. I didn’t workout. But I could’ve done it worse… Could’ve had all 8 pieces of the pie…. instead of just two… and I could’ve bought and ate a whole bag of Doritos instead of simply naked pita chips…………..

I feel disgusting. And ashamed. And I need to turn this around. A-fucking-SAP.

I woke up with piercing pain in my right temple. BUt duh… I ate like shit this week after eating to perfection for 4 weeks prior. Shocked my system to say the least. I need to find my new happy place….

And I think I know where that is. I found… an outlet. A fetlife friend. He is already in a relationship. An open one. Well, only open enough for him to let out his Dom. His primary relationship is vanilla. And it matches my needs right now. I’m hung up on a guy that I can’t have, and need an outlet myself. It’s so weird to crave something that’s not been part of my life for too long. Less than a year… and yet I know that experiencing any kind of pain (or what I call having a pain/pleasing relationship) would be so perfect right now. I could shake off the heartache. Find motivation in that.

I find this difficult to write about almost. Knowing that it doesn’t make sense to some people. Why would someone want to experience pain? Why would someone want to bring yourself to basically the level of slave and servant to someone for a little while (at least). I don’t know.

But I’ve been thinking lately about a lot of aspects of this. When you feel pain you feel pleasure at an even higher degree. When he’s happy I’m even happier. When he is proud, I am on top of the world. When I endure I am brave and strong and I did it well!! ——>craving to say the least right now… but only because I KNOW, somehow I know, that this will help to heal me. If only for a release of everything I’m holding onto on the inside. In those moments of submission EVERYTHING comes out. You don’t hide anything you feel. You let your reactions shine thru. Raw. You let go of all facades. It’s alllll gone. It disappears. And I NEVER let go. I’m the kind of person that can consume a six pack or a whole bottle of wine and still think about every word I say. Need that nakedness. It’s the only time I know how, or want to show all. I want that. I want to be vulnerable and exposed. I have so much need for that right now.

I will meet him soon and see how we connect in person.

I thought about reaching out to a few people I’ve done this with in the past. One of them I’m worried would be too difficult because there is history of feelings. A lot of feelings on both our parts. And existing feelings. I think about him and I wish to be there in his arms… then experience those arms in full force. It’s almost too hard to resist. Just thinking about it is intoxicating. But that’s why I can’t put myself in that position. Because I’m heartbroken. And I don’t believe that is a healthy way to fix my heartache. Even if we do have a future (or especially if we have a future)… It isn’t going to work if I’m recovering. And the other guy… Not enough pain. He’s not a masochist… he likes the control more than the pain infliction and I need to find a better match.

Here’s to my new happy place. I feel better just writing about it. Happy Friday, all.