Posts Tagged ‘open relationship’

panman & mommy

March 2, 2016

Panman and Mommy made their relationship official last weekend. They have also declared it an open relationship. Not many rules except to stay honest about everything.

He has asked me to join them. But he’s giving me very different tunes depending on what argument he is making. He says… I’ll have a relationship with him. And he’ll have a relationship with mommy.

First off… I struggled with an open relationship before. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just live and let live about it. My heart and mind conflicted constantly. It was literally giving me nightmares.

I really liked mommy the first time we met. An instant fondness. But I have to be honest, she hit her peak with me that night. Ever since she’s been constantly slipping in my mind. I don’t like how promiscuous she is. I don’t like how flippant she is with panman. I don’t like that look of discontentment I see in her eyes. And I know that my dislike stems from a place of wanting to protect panman. Maybe even a bit of jealously. I’m not above admitting that. I think a lot of the worry in my mind was about giving panman an STD, and in my mind that would possibly effect me! I mean, if I broke up with A and if I decided to give this open relationship a shot.

I realize, this line of thought or this “relationship” isn’t my finest moment. I didn’t want to cheat on A, but if I was discontented with A and I felt some jealousy and territorial over panman… then… its worth thinking about how mommy could directly effect my life.

But I did consider that panman could be right. It may just be me and him. and him and her would be completely separate and I’d never have to deal with her. And I kind of believe him when he says that he can give all we need… without feeling neglected ever. I don’t know how this is possible but I believed him.

Then one day last week while I was going back and forth with him about me and A and the impending breakup… he tells me that him and mommy need me. This statement hit me weird. I don’t want to be with mommy. I didn’t even want to be someone she could depend upon. What does that say about my feelings for panman? Shouldn’t I be inspired to love who he loves? to value who he values? to uplift who he deems worthy?

It hit me so hard considering that her well being had anything to do with me. It scared the shit out of me. And appropriately so. It reality checked me.

I already know I can’t do this open thing. I already lived part of this. I was getting caught up in being wanted by someone.

Having feelings for the situation and not the person. Longing to be desired. Longing to be appreciated.

I’m telling you tho, after this weekend all the appropriate bubbles were popped. My reality came shining through. Thank goodness I caught hold of that before I jumped into an even messier situation than I could deal with. If I was having nightmares before… Then this could certainly turned into a living nightmare.

what next?

October 7, 2015

When beginning my Dom search I was heart broken from my break up from M. I didn’t have any desire to date anyone else. I didn’t have the energy. I didn’t have enough heart space for it. Definitely not enough brain space.

Investing in my kink seemed like a really good recovery maneuver. Find someone that would give me more experiences. Find more things I like. And didn’t like. Find my limits. Find out what I was capable of. So I met with a few people. Played with another. Then Sir T entered scene.

But somewhere in my search, M began to take up less and less space without me even realizing it. Then I look up one day and I’m super pumped about Andy! But… now what? My dom made it clear that he is poly. If I see someone I want or gain feelings for someone, he wouldn’t stand in the way of that. He never wants to interfere with it. But this is such a foreign idea to me.

First, I felt guilty for having done anything with Andy in the first place. I felt I had betrayed my Dom. But I didn’t. I stayed within the rules of our relationship. But I still couldn’t speak about this with him that easily.

Second, there is no way in HELL Andy would understand any of this.

Third, this Andy thing is way too early to be breaking other commitments in my life just for him, right? But is this fair to ask of him? There are two kinds of guys in this world: the kind that casually date and the kind that don’t. And I had a feeling Andy was the latter. As he well deserves commitment from someone. He was expressing a lot more feelings than someone casual. It felt way more than casual and it was JUST THE BEGINNING. It never felt casual with Andy. I never felt, as he dragged me to his truck, that he was looking for a one night stand. And a girl knows these things whether she admits it out loud or not.

Fourth, I thought this was a cross roads. I have to pick one or the other. But how do I do that at this point? But I knew that I’d have to.

So, I finally put on my big girl panties and brought it up with Sir T. I brought with me all my feelings of guilt and shame and all my tendencies that try to spare everyone’s feelings. Then something happened that I’m just not woman enough to wrap my mind around! He was happy for me. He was excited. He was…. encouraging.

Now, I knew he was poly and this still CAUGHT ME COMPLETELY OFF GUARD! I expected jealousy. I expected him to talk me out of it. I expected some sort of guilt trip. There was zero of that. Knowing about poly and experiencing it is absolutely different. It’s so freeing to be able to discuss someone you have strong feelings for with someone you are in a sexual relationship with.

After sharing my excitement I asked, “What next?” And he dove right in. He went through different scenarios that he’s been involved in. How it worked. How it failed. Different options I had. He had his Dom eyes on while coaching me through it. Those eyes that draw respect and appreciation out of me so fast that it amazes me every time.

Basically I had three options.

1) Sir T would be a ghost. We make sure we don’t leave marks. We don’t tell Andy about it. I hated this option. I was feeling way too much for him to lie to him. Lying seeps into all parts of my brain and saturates the whole relationship and completely soaks it in gasoline… the smallest spark blows it up.

2) Tell him I’m poly. Explain what this means to me: I have someone else in my life I want to keep. He can get on board or walk away. I wouldn’t open up about the kink side of my life. We would still have to worry about marks and bruising.

3) Put everything on the table. Explain about my d/s relationship and the purpose it serves in my life and why I want to keep it. Explain that it is an open relationship. And again, he chooses if he can handle being apart of that or not.

I went with option 3. And I did it while still in my big girl panties and still empowered by Sir T’s advice. I called Andy. “I have something I’d like to discuss with you, but I need three things from you before we start. I need you to listen, keep an open mind, then tell me what you need.” And I jumped in. Explaining my submissive role and my masochistic needs that Sir T satiates. I left nothing out. I couldn’t believe I was saying all this.

Andy’s response was even more incredible than Sir T’s. “I can keep an open mind. I can get on board with this.”

WHAT!?!? My heart exploded in that moment!

polyamory

September 23, 2015
Sir T is poly. He believes in open relationships. And we aren’t dating. We are strictly d/s. Basically this means that, while I am his sub, I can have sex with anyone I want with one caveat. I get permission in advance and make sure I keep all parties safe in the process. He just really wants to be in on my sexual loop. Makes sense. He does have a hard no-other-Dom policy. That makes sense too.
He has a few other subs. He isn’t jealous, and I don’t feel stingy with him either. I feel rather open to it actually. I like that I can be open with him about guys. and about everything. If I’ve got some sort of date lined up he is cool with that. Not that I’m pursuing that very actively right now.  But things come up. He just wishes me well. “Have fun.” And if I’m stressed about another boy. Fine. He will help be a stress relief. He actually is pretty good about giving me a different perspective on things. It shifts my gears for me. Helps me take a calmer look at things. I’m so grateful for it. And I’m very very happy about it.
In fact… More and more I think on polyamorous relationships the more I can buy into it. If me and my husband had an open relationship… We would still be married. He’d make a great life partner – someone light hearted to grow gray with. He’d make a great father. Great friend. Great provider. But… we weren’t enough for each other. Can’t help but wonder… Wish I had been more opened minded when I was younger.