Posts Tagged ‘office’

new direction (4)

March 7, 2017

Dear Manager,

My co-workers and I have a perfectly professional relationship. I enjoy their comradery and they make my day brighter. I’m so fortunate to be able to spend so much of my day with each and every one of them.

I’m unable to complete my tasks for the year because I’m sub par at my job. I’m not good at reaching out for help. I work on a project and never get far enough through it before an interruption comes along. I then start all over. It’s been a bad cycle all year that I have no one to blame but myself. I should’ve stayed focused and reached out to my co-workers for help multiple times. I’ve had the opportunities. A bad review would make sense for me. I will push myself more going forward.

Also, on a completely unrelated note. I have decided to go back to school. It would be great to collect a paycheck and help these guys with on-call and other workloads while I do it. If legally that is too much of a liability then please consider this my 2 week notice.

Thank you,
Michelle
I didn’t really send this. Well, I didn’t send this yet. But that didn’t stop me from editing it and taking out sarcastic adjectives and making it PC as possible before signing it.

I do believe that I will be quitting a lot sooner than I expected. I definitely envisioned having a bigger safety net before jumping into it. I have some savings. I’m not above part time work til I’m out of school. My rent is cheap right now. I can get rid of a few monthly bills and decrease a few more. Sigh. I can trim the social calendar. This might be the push I truly need to just jump.

I’m thinking while I go to become a wellness coach training I can also get certified in personal training. And weightlifting training. I think I’d love to start a weightlifting class (or offer a special emphasis with private clients) for older beginning women that want to start lifting. Gah! That would be incredible!

Okay so I’m terrified, but I’m excited. I’m pissed, but there’s a silver lining.

Talk about a roller coaster. I feel like I stay on one.

new direction (3)

March 7, 2017

Monday rolls around. I come to work. I’m researching my options. I’ve basically decided which program I’m going to do, but I’d be a fool for not reviewing other options that take less time and less money.

I’m looking at the difference between health coach, nutritionist, dietitians. I’m looking at personal training, crossfit certs. Looking at costs, and time, and careers. I’m all over the place. But I feel great about it. I signed up for so much junk mail BUT I DON’T CARE! Bring it on.

I get another message from my boss. He’s wants to meet again. “Okay. See you in a few.”

I’m sitting across from him and the mood is not the same as when I left his comforting words last Thursday. Turns out Friday morning he attended some sort of leadership training. Completely coincidental to our conversation.

He tells me that legally he can’t do nothing. He still has to keep his goals in mind to. He still has to worry about my career progression. And if these guys are the reason I’m not doing well, he can’t idly sit on this news. He names names, which I didn’t do last week. He narrows down all that he can. He is backing me into a corner. I’m feeling closed off and defensive.

He either needs me to write them up. Put some formal complaint on paper so he can pursue a course of action through the proper channels. Or he needs to me legally release him from fault by telling another director or manager everything and telling him with a witness that I want him to do nothing… then of course he has to treat me a little harsher in the review because I just suck at my job and there’s no real reason.

I only told him everything because we prefaced with the fact that he wouldn’t do anything. I NEVER would have told him these things if I thought it left him legally obligated. I just wouldn’t have. He even agrees with me that telling the guys would make it worse. He goes from caring to covering his ass, and I completely understand but i’m also heartbroken that it has come to this.

I ask him for the rest of the week to decide. And I walk away with very few words.

I do not know what to do. And the more this becomes real the more silly I feel. What am I formally complaining about? That someone cracked a joke about a purse, lipstick, and credit cards? That I get made fun of for the dumbest things. That I have to constantly defend my actions and choices? Nothing is worthy of a report. Nothing but the sheer volume of jokes that I have to deal with. I feel silly. I should’ve just fucking let it all go and got my shit done. I’m feeling completely at fault for everything. And now I’m backed into a corner.

a new direction (2)

March 7, 2017

It’s review time. Again. And I always get nervous about review time. I haven’t liked my job in a long time and it always shines through during this time. I am not a sub par individual. I’m an over-achiever, type-A-to-the-max, get-shit-done kind of person. But I really really have not been this person at work in a long time.

So I get a message from my boss last week. He wants to meet really quickly with me. He wants to ask about a few projects I haven’t completed. Whats the stumbling block. What is holding me back. He wants to help me complete this. He wants to give me a good review at the end of the year. He’s a good manager. He truly cares.

I want to tell him how unhappy I am. How unmotivating this whole environment is to me. I want to tell him that all my male co-workers are draining the life out of me with their “cutesy” comments and annoying jokes. I want to tell him that I’ve already decided to make my slow exit. Go to school for another job. But I can’t say most of this. It’s career suicide.

I should’ve just told him I’ve hit a wall in my projects. That I’ve come to a place that I don’t know what to do next. I should have said this. But instead….

I cry.

I fucking cry.

I hate this. I say I don’t want to talk about this. I’m not prepared to have this conversation. Why didn’t I just say I needed help before proceeding with the project? He tells me that if I don’t want to talk I don’t have to. I told him that I didn’t want to say because I didn’t want him to do thing about it. I can just picture him having a meeting with the guys and telling them to lay off. Yeah, that’ll work. That won’t make it weird at all. :-\

He tells me if I don’t want him to do anything about it, he won’t. And I’m feeling hopeful for the first time since the meeting started. So I wipe my eyes, clear my throat and tell him all the problems I’m having with the guys. I tell him that it’s almost silly to bring up because any one thing isn’t a big deal. So what, they made fun of the fact that I didn’t go to lunch with them because I brought my food… And they make up things that it is… tofu or tree bark… meanwhile I’m sitting here with shrimp and green beans… yeah that’s super duper weird. Heaven forbid anyone try to be healthy around here. 😐 anyway. Like I said, no one thing is worthy of writing up a report. But I work with 5 guys. Very closely. And it’s constant. It’s every day. All day. I’m annoyed. And tired of it. They don’t understand why I’ve been so quiet lately. They don’t get it. And I’ve snapped at them before. I’ve gotten verbally upset with them. I’ve put on my headphones mid conversation. I’ve never flat out ignored people before these guys. I’m not NOT letting them know how they make me feel. I’ve stopped being subtle awhile ago.

So yeah, I’m not motivated. And when I do come to a place in my work that I need help I take a few extra days before reaching out. I use to open up to these guys. I use to consider them friends. And honestly they are good guys. They think they are cute and having a good time. Picking on a little sister or maybe bad flirting. Idk. But I’m way over it. It’s not motivating. No. I’m not doing my job well. I hate it. I’m worn out.

I tell him all this. And he see’s my point of view perfectly. He’s apologetic. And he’s making me feel like I did a good thing by telling him. He says he understands that I don’t want to work here any more. (I didn’t tell him I had a plan to exit the company, just that I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to work in corporate with men ever again.) He even told me to keep him updated on what I plan on doing. That he knows a lot of people. He can ask around at church for other options for me. HOW SWEET IS THAT!? He also says that he’d hate to lose me. That he’ll try to think of ways of getting around this. He knows and agrees with me that if he brought this up to the guys they would ostracize me. It would only make it worse. I try to portray that I want a relationship with them. I just NEED them to have boundaries. But I truly don’t see them understanding this. He agrees.

We end the meeting. No resolution. No plan. But understanding. I’m happier than I expected to unload on him.

Gimme equal pay, but lemme where some stilettos, k?

February 13, 2017

ok so… I got some thoughts going on in my head. I’m not sure it’s linear enough for a blog post. I’m all over the place. There’s a central theme, but, well… You’ll see if you can handle the ramble.

Feminism vs anti-feminism?

I just tried to google the opposite of feminism and really there isn’t a word.

Misogyny isn’t necessarily the opposite. Obviously you can’t be misogynistic and a feminist… but being anti feminism doesn’t necessarily mean something as malicious as misogyny, right?

I feel like I fit somewhere in between (not between misogyny and feminism, but feminism vs anti-feminism). I believe in a balance. I believe in the Ying-Yang of life and the universe. But I also think women can do it all… within the biological realm of reality anyway.

So…

When I’m at work I want to be treated equally. Same pay and compensation. Same expectations and repercussions. I NEED my male co-workers to see me on an equal level. I need them to not crack comments about my mood and hormones. I need them to not ask me to coordinate the baby shower next month. I need them to feel like they can come to me for work advice because I’m just as good as the next guy. All these things are the not the case and it drives me insane. Working in a male dominated field isn’t the most zen experience of my life. These guys don’t even hear anything wrong with the things they say! Open your ears! I could go on and on about what these guys think are okay. I MEAN ON AND ON AND ON FEMALE-HORMONE-RANT STYLE…. 😐 hm.

Then there’s that… I am female. And I do have to deal with hormones on a monthly basis. And guess what? Those males I work with, they have to deal with me during those times too. And it’s a true statement to say that hormones effect my mood. And sometimes very drastically so. It’s not something I can help too much. This is a fact of life. No amount of feminism is going to undo do the fact that the chemistry in my body is reeking havoc on almost all function of my body. IT. JUST. IS. Women ARE different. So when I storm out because some fucking fuck face says something misogynistic about lipstick and credit cards in my purse because I JUST CAN’T handle stupid shitty comments like that they are most certainly not wrong about it being my time of the month. GRRR. What do we do with those moments, feminists??? How could I possibly combat that??? lol I mean, when I flip out over a misogynistic comment because my hormones won’t allow me to smile and nod and maybe even retort with something flippantly witty…? It’s comical, right? Well, it’s comical in 4 to 7 days, anyway….

But… I want to be a girl. I want to be treated like something special. I want to feel the protection a man can provide. I want to be able to hand a jar of pickles over to a man to muscle that sunuvabish open. Just like I want to be someone a guy can lean on for support. I want to be that safe place a man can come and crumble upon because he knows the massive amount of respect I have for him and the amount of warm, soft, feminine comfort I have waiting for him to crash into. I want to fill in his gaps and I want my gaps to be filled (sexually and otherwise – ba dum chhhh). I want to be the ying to his yang. I want to flow together so well we are better than two puzzle pieces… Like oil and water coming together with perfect, visible seems. Touching each other whole-y, but both very separate and different. You can see one. You can see the other. They are very distinct.

When it comes to significant others and their roles in the household I think that should just be something agreed upon between the two. When I was married, I was happy to do dishes if I didn’t have to mow the lawn. I’m okay with that trade off of responsibilities. My ex husband HATED laundry but didn’t mind vacuuming the stairs, which i hated! He liked to fix things and he liked to make things look better. I’m bad at it, so I was happy to have him use tools that I wasn’t comfortable using and making things look good because he had the better decorative eye. When he took on special tasks like cleaning the garage I didn’t mind taking on a larger load in the house. I’d much rather be in the comfort of the AC.

So here I am. I strongly feel my feelings and opinions and beliefs and preferences should be considered AND VALUED. But I’m not going to be weird when I’m cooking dinner for 2. And I want to be your princess too.

Okay… another HUGE ASPECT THAT PROMPTED THIS WHOLE TRAIN OF THOUGHT TODAY:

Where’s the line at work? Where’s the line in my brain? I LOVE to wear a skirt and high heels. It makes me good about myself. I love feeling sexy. I don’t know of a single thing I can do that delivers the same feeling. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t do it because I want some man to undress me with his eyes, or admire me walking down the hallway, or for someone else’s pleasure. I don’t think. Is that denial? I hope not. I love how I feel when I think I look sexy. If I leave the house and I don’t feel cute, I don’t have a good day. Period. End of discussion. My day is shitty. My self confidence: tanked. My body image: poor.

So how does feminism come into play there? Am I anti-feminist because I enjoy feeling sexy and powerful purely by the clothes I wear and the body under them?? What’s that about? Gimme equal pay, but lemme where some stilettos, k? I don’t know.

Last tangent, swear: Interesting offshoot about women in corporate environments. The ones that dress sexy or dress flattering for their figure always look younger at older ages. The women in heels and a skirt… they look 20 years younger than those women that wear the frumpy slacks. Whats that about? Why are those types of women more likely to take care of themselves in other ways? Is it just our vanity? But is it vanity or healthy pride? Are the other women just choosing other values and other things that make them feel good? I’m sure that’s what it is. They have a different priority list and their clothes choice just isn’t there. But then neither is their health…. I don’t know. Major ramble at this point.

I think I’ll wrap that up here.

Hope everyone has a great week! Happy Monday!

super bitch… in the office

April 27, 2016

I’ve been a super bitch at work these past few weeks. I mean, maybe its necessary, and maybe they deserve it, but I hate it.

Like I said last week, I’m tired of the “innocent flirty” conversations where they just pick at me. I know they are just trying to be cute. And they do it because they like me as a person in general. They just want to break up their day. They just enjoy having female company around even if it’s completely non-sexual. And I believe that. I have to believe that… because I have to work with these “gentlemen”.

I just get annoyed. And this week is strange. I’m not on my period, which is usually when I don’t have the patience for them. Which leads me to believe they are in fact being annoying for real. By anyone’s standards.

I’m wondering if it’s because of something I did wrong tho… Like, maybe in the beginning of working here? You know, back when I was 21… when maybe I liked the back and forth banter of mindless cutesiness. And now that I’m truly a young professional (or desperately trying to be) I’d like to make that transformation. But… how do you do that when the people around don’t know that you have changed? I’m sure they realize how annoyed I’m becoming. In fact, I kind of thing that fuels their fire. Which could be a topic all on its own.

I mean… if yesterday repeats itself a few more times, I’ll be someone they never talk to again, and not because I’m more “professional”. I used the F bomb while trying to hold my ground with them yesterday… and that’s not who I want to be either. I believe the word fuck is very relevant to a lot of things and I enjoy using it and hearing it in certain contexts, but never ever should it be used at work. Fail.

I don’t want to be a bitch, but I don’t want to fight with these guys every day either. Not sure how to make this transition. Maybe it’ll work itself out without much effort. But hopefully I don’t fuck up relationships and my reputation on the way.

Does anyone relate with this and does anyone have advice about it?

My personalities are torn here. I love smiling and laughing and I love people and communicating with them. I am most certainly a very cutesy person! But these guys are taking that to the next level and forcing me to back-bone up, get mean, and just overall be abrupt and unresponsive to them at best and verbally vicious at worst. I want to be seen as an equal here. I want them to consider me a friend. I want to be the easy-ish going person I am. I want to be professional. I don’t want to have to defend all the trivial things I do and decide from moment to moment. When I said something like “why are you guys making me defend myself here?” The only thing that was said was, “Aren’t you glad, tho, that people notice?”

That comment didn’t make me stop in the moment. But a day displaced from that comment… It’s making me think a lot! Am I glad that they notice me? and all the trivial things I do, say, and decide?

There was a time where, yes, I LOVE that people notice me. That people might even admire me. Or more. But now, I think I’ve grown past that need. Now I just want to be able to do my job and enjoy my co-workers company because there’s nothing abrasive about the relationship.

And maybe that’s the real issue here. I’ve cultivated these types of relationships at work because I’ve groomed them on purpose that way. I sought attention and, by golly, I got it. I sought the light fluffy relationships of cutesy arguments and that’s what I found. And still have. Maybe that’s the thing. I don’t need that anymore. I’ve grown up. I’ve matured. I’ve become more comfortable with me. I don’t need outside stimuli to make me happy and content. Now… all that cutesy stuff is quite a bit of work because while I’ve backed off of this behavior they’ve upped their game and made it a sport. Hopefully I find productive ways to stop this pattern.

over it

April 20, 2016

At work I have to be in constant defense mode. I’ve got to be ready for one stupid argument after the next. My male co-workers have learned how easy it is to get a rise out of me. And it’s getting so old so fast. Most days I tolerate it just fine. I jab back. I’m cute. I’m flirty. Blah blah blah. But other days its just old and annoying and I can’t stand any of them.

Like today, I have a cold. I woke up early for a workout. And I have a very painful thing going on with my left eyeball. Maybe it’s a sty under my eyelid?? I don’t know. I just know that it hurts so much.

So, maybe I need more coffee, and maybe I just need to get a couple red flags... but I’m just about over people today.

They like to go out ever so often and drink. And when I mean they like to go out and drink, they want to walk out of the office, go straight to downtown and park themselves at one bar for 3 hours. Get up from that bar… walk 5 steps to the front door of the next bar/restaurant and order a pizza and drink for another 2 or 3 hours. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy this. But I like to go to the gym right after work. I like to consider calories thru the week. I like to be able to take my dog outside before 10 pm that night. They decided we are going out next Monday. And they got completely offended that I said I wouldn’t join them til 6. What!? You all will be out til 9 or 10. I won’t miss a damn thing but maybe 2 rounds.

Why give me a hard time on something? They blame it on how anal I am about my rigid schedule, but this is the first time that I said I might get a workout first before meeting them. I pay a hefty monthly fee for my gym. And I don’t exactly enjoy getting in a morning workout. And obviously if they are upset about me skipping the beginning of hanging out then its out of the question to leave early for a workout…. and after a few beers, that would NOT be enjoyable. I’d never plan that.

I just don’t get the point in the argument. They just sit there and jab and jab and jab and I’m tired. It’s 8:35 and I’m already tired today. They do what they want to do and I should be able to do what I want to do “just because”. None of these guys would adjust their schedule for me… so why do I even consider them in this decision. It’s silly. Next Monday, I’ll workout, I’ll take my dog out, I’ll head downtown… And that’s that.

just… no

December 16, 2015

beachflagsdestin

I feel a bit bad for my co-workers today. I think I need to have a mood monitor hanging in my cube. Like how they have flags at the beach. If it’s green come on in! The water’s fine! Enjoy! If its yellow, proceed with caution… maybe tread lighter than normal. Maybe avoid anti-feminist verbiage. When its red… just turn around. Avoid eye contact. No flirty jokes. I won’t be amused. If its double red…. just drop me off a box of Kleenex and maybe chocolate and don’t say a word. Tip toe out of my pitiful  excuse of an “office” undetected.

break room moments

October 15, 2014

So I work in the information technology world. While this isn’t necessarily considered a male field anymore… our floor consists of maybe 30% women. I run across my fair share of men all day. All ages.

I can banter and small talk with the best of them! I walk away feeling funny, smart, and down right proud of my quick wit.You should see me work the break room crowd…. as long as they are not in an age bracket that is outside the appropriate dating age range for me. I clam up. Can’t think of a thing to say. Nothing cute, or witty, or smart. What is up with that? I can’t make eye contact. I can barely get out a super lame “morning.” I become temporarily broken! I blush quickly. I stutter… It’s embarrassing to say the least.

Get it together!