Posts Tagged ‘newly single’


June 10, 2016


He wants to be my daddy. And I’d love that. He would be a good one. I know he would be. One major catch tho. He works in Tokyo and travels a shit ton. I need some skin on skin time to know whether I can have him as my daddy on a permanent basis. Could I handle being collared by someone so far off?


He wants to scene me. And that is all we would be. Play partners. Him and mommy are still together and seem to be doing good I guess. I wish they would just close off their relationship and he would stop tugging at me. I want to scene with him. I just know that it’ll be more drama than its worth. I don’t want mommy mad at me. panman wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, but how can that work. Counter intuitive to this particular blog post, I’m completely monogamous when my heart is involved.


Some desperate guy that messages me randomly and I don’t know why. He says we should hang out but then never follows through. More of an annoyance actually. I think I’ll ghost him. I don’t normally do that, but he is so so random. I don’t understand how someone I don’t know at all will come at my beck and call… any time of day or night. Wish I could say I haven’t tested him on that… I don’t know him that well, but he’s handsome and nice and strong and has a good job and all this surface stuff that makes the desperation vibe feel out of place.


This guy lives 2 hours away and works 1 hour away. He expects me to always do the leg work. “come see me.” Boy, please! I ain’t that desperate. Plus, if I go down there I KNOW that he’ll want me to pay for a hotel room because he lives with his brother and heaven forbid anyone know I exist. He thinks I’m an idiot. He’s the biggest mooch I’ve ever dealt with. I pretty much just keep saying no.


I don’t know why he isn’t jumping at me. He always says he wants to. And he never ever follows through. Normally he can’t. He works to much. But now he has fallen into a better position with more money and less hours and still… where is he? I’d love to try a relationship with him at some point. I just don’t know why he drags his feet. I suppose he could just be a huge liar. And say he wants wants wants us to happen but really could he just be too lazy or un-enthused to make it happen? I don’t get this one. I swear he says he wants me and loves me even. But I don’t know why there’s no follow through. Is he waiting on me? I feel it when we are together. Something good and solid could be here. I’m confused tho. Obviously my reading skills are off on this one. But surely that connection I feel isn’t fake. That would be hard to fabricate, right?


Oh trey. Gah, you are growing on me. I haven’t seen him since Sunday and truth be told I kind of miss him.


What in the world are you doing messaging me. You live in Ohio. lol I don’t get it. Just boredom??


Why do you have to string me along. I had (have?) so much love for you. The what ifs… and maybe down the roads… are driving me insane. I wanted that with you… want? Last June I wouldn’t given ANYTHING to have it. And still you say let’s try in the future.


I’m so jumbled up by mitch. I feel like I’m clinging and could cling to anything right now. I feel like Velcro. I could stick to anything. And things are sticking to me. And all that’s happening is I’m getting a little dirty. Sigh. My nerves feel shot. I feel all over the place. flailing. I’m sad. I just thought mitch was going to be it… now I’m in the muck again. And I’m allowing all of it to happen. I am letting myself become this girl. Some of it is fun, but mainly I’m just passing the time. I’m just covering up the hurt I feel. I’m using and being used. I know I am. I just… don’t know what else to do right now. Feels like I can’t help but go down this path…

single’s group

September 21, 2015

I approached the bowling alley neck deep in anxiety. First off, I have what I call “front door” anxiety. Anytime I’m meeting people somewhere ESPECIALLY if I’ve never been there before, thinking about parking, finding the front door of the building (which is ridiculous, right?), then searching inside for my party has me so nervous and riddled with anxiety. Its completely irrational. I mean, what exactly am I worried about? Well, then add to the fact that I didn’t know ANYONE in the party I was meeting… not only was I searching for people in a place I don’t frequent, but I was looking for faces I didn’t know. THEN to top that off with having to meet and mingle with these people… I almost didn’t go. In fact, it’s all this anxiety that kept me from our very first study on the book Crazy Love, the week before.

I siked myself up ALL day. What a silly people phobia this is. I went back and forth all day. ultimately tho, I picked out an outfit, then changed, then changed back into the original (of course), grabbed my keys, an extra pair of socks, slipped on my flip flops and left home. My only comfort is I DID have the group leader’s phone number, so I decided that would be my safety net.

I walk into the building. I’m 5 minutes late (by design) and I scan the lanes. There are a few families… a few groups of couples. I knew any lane that appeared to have a couple wasn’t it. It’s a singles group. I saw a few people in the lane in front of me, but nothing that stands out as a church group. So I sit at a high top table near the lanes, whip out my phone, and text this Susan women. The only thing I know about Susan is her last name, and the fact that she sends too many emails.

No reply. Crap. I continue to sit. A girl from the lane in front of me looks at me. And I have hope! She starts walking towards my area, and all I can think is PLEASE LET HER BE COMING TO ME!!! And she was. She asked if I was meeting a group there and I said YES! I was SO grateful to this girl that took pity on me. In that moment she was my savior. I hate this anxiety I have. But as soon as the connection was made, I was FINE. Absolutely 100% fine. I met and mingled because I’m a bubbly open person. It’s not hard for me, as long as the others around me are open to it. And this whole group is new. So everyone is open to mixing and mingling with everyone. Searching to make connections and friendships in Christ.

As I was talking and hanging out with these good christian people. I couldn’t remember the last time I hung out with a group of people in this kind of setting without an alcoholic beverage. I am not the kind of person that needs the alcohol, but I was just noticing the stark differences between this group and the groups I have been apart of for the past 6 years!

The thing is I use to be one of these people. No cursing, no drinking, easily talking about Jesus and his blessings and sacrifices for all. I was out of place tho… From the girl I use to be. I hadn’t realized just how far I’ve come to where I was. It was odd being on this side of things. And I’m not sure how I feel about all of it yet. And whether I am trying to get back to who I was (if not more grown up version of who I was) or not… But I do know I’m going to continue until I know.

This group consists of people of all ages. And the older people that were there were…. a bit odd… The kind of odd where you can understand why they are single. And I don’t mean to be judgmental in this way, but… they just have super obvious nuances that would be hard to connect with…. They are all sweet people. Great hearts. They want to serve. They are genuine in their faith. I loved that. SO SO SO genuine. So many times I get too critical of people’s motives. But these people truly just want to do what God wants of them. They immerse themselves in his church and his ministries because God gave them the hearts for it. It was nice to see the genuineness of it. I can’t stress GENUINE enough.

Anyway… I am a bit conflicted with my two halves, but I’m going to jump into the deep end of both pools and see what happens. Is it a war? Will one come out on top? Or can I have all of this? I don’t know. Just gonna go with it.

My best friend

September 23, 2014

Em is 27. She’s a serial dater. She goes immediately from one boyfriend to the next. She has a successful and fulfilling career. But she can’t handle not having attention 24/7. I don’t know if she realizes this. She knows “single Em” is clingy and desperate to share her time with whoever is willing. If I don’t set up boundaries while she is single she will basically be living with me, and i’d be getting dinner and drunk with her every night of the week. She just broke up with a boy.. and this is the first time she hasn’t had someone lined up and ready to dive in head first. She is the kind of dater that goes from zero to 90 in .25 seconds. She doesn’t know how to do the casual dating.

There’s something deeper going on here. Why is it so hard for her to be alone? Why does her sanity require so much attention? She asks me all the time – why do i feel this way? The truth is I have no idea. But i do know that until she is without someone for a while she will never figure out the deeper issue. She’s a great person. Smart, nerdy, and yet cool. She’s gorgeous. In my opinion she is the total package with a doctorate to boot. A catch! But she can’t get a handle on loving her own company. The attention she requires with never satisfy her. Getting the attention she wants will only make the need greater… and make the moments where she doesn’t have it more excruciating.  

My heart breaks for her and the moments that I know she has when she sits alone at her apartment ready to jump out of her own skin because she neeeeeeds someone to shower themselves on her. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give her peace.

I have had my moments like this, but they are always passing. If I sit still long enough it’ll pass. Or even something simple like a trip to the grocery store or a phone call to a friend or family member satisfies my need. I can’t imagine it staying too long. Because it is a hard emotion to have. Does she hate herself? Fear herself? Is it the age of 27 that makes a woman go a little bit batty with her internal clock ticking away the number of kids possible at this point? I don’t know. I just hope that Em will be single long enough to make peace with herself and with the quiet. She won’t. But that is my hope…

Last night’s date (because I KNOW you care)

August 20, 2014

So… It didn’t start out too great in my opinion… and really, who else’s opinion matters when it comes to dating?!?!

Let me preface with this. I have a few really close girlfriends that do game night once a week… I usually opt out for several reasons. 1) We have at least 2 other weekly traditions and I need a night off! I love love love my girls but damn! Can I get a minute?! They know this about me and don’t push the subject – which actually is quite surprising. 2) Me and games are not friends. I hate when its a game and my turn consists of reading, choosing, or coming up with something creative. a) i’m not creative and b) i hate being the center of attention. If it was just me and my girls I’d be okay, but there’s always a few random straggler that get me all flustered… despite the wine. I have a phobia of being embarrassed… It haunts me. This is why i don’t do sports either. I blush waaaay too easy. Which leads to more embarrassment and more blushing… It’s a steep downward spiral of terribleness.

Okay, so all day I get texts from them asking if I’m coming to game night and if I’m bringing my date. Um, guys!!! I have a date! I don’t know what this weighs in their world but I’m freaking out slightly! If this date turns out well, I. AM. NOT. SHARING. Other than that, if you have plans you have plans. I even thought it was incredibly rude for them to beg when they know I’m busy. And they never beg about game night. MY GIRLS KNOW ME! So, this was going on most of the day…

Mean while the plan is to get together about 7ish for dinner after he does a few chores/errands after work. Fair enough. So I start stressing out about 6:15… because it’s what I do. (Don’t I sound like a keeper??) What should I wear? How should I fix my hair? I swear that shirt looked cuter last time i wore it. My hair is NOT right. I’m hungry. Don’t eat. How bout this shirt? No. Not that one either. Snap a pic. Send it to my sister. Cry to my sis about how I wish I had her hair and her boobs… OK, I kind of feel cute in this shirt. Jeans or shorts??????? And this went on. And on. I get a text from my date. “This is taking longer than I expected. Looking at about an hour and a half.” WHAT?!?!?!?!? It’s is almost 7 already and I’m hungry AAAAANDDD I need to be at work at 7 am tomorrow morning!!! So you see how this doesn’t help my already stressed out self? “Sure! No problem, just let me know! :)” Ugh… i hate my passive aggressive self some times. On top of that have to pick him up. Something wrong with his car… ugh… Normally this is not a big deal, but at this point it just adds to my stress. And I need to stop for gas. Just breathe, girl!

So by the time I get in my car I’m already feeling myself turn introvert. I get like this… I guess it’s just how i deal (or not deal) with stress. If any of you are doctors out there would you let me know if this qualifies me for the need of chill pills?? I stop for gas. I get to his place and call his phone. “I’m out front.” “Coming.” I sit. I wait. I sit. I wait. My stomach is turning in knots! COME ON! Still sitting. Still waiting. Seriously, dude? You’ve had almost 2 hours now since I thought this date was going to begin. He finally comes out. Red faced. Looking more stressed than me! He gets in the car. “I was looking for my wallet. No luck.” We swing by the complex’s laundromat because that is the last place he saw it. I’m crossing my fingers because I can’t take him being upset… if he can’t find his wallet.. what am I suppose to do in this situation? He comes out with his wallet! CRISIS AVERTED! I’m singing a silent hallelujah. Now can we eat?!?!?!?! He has picked out a sushi restaurant. I am so excited. I love sushi and I love when people I like to be around love sushi too! So he tells me about what direction we are going… it’s close… and he keeps talking and I realize it’s mine and my ex-husband’s favorite sushi place. :-\ Seriously? At least I know its a good restaurant… but who likes taking a different guy after going into this restaurant with the same guy for YEARS! I want to cry (not really but i do wanna shrivel up a little).  I don’t mention it. So all the while I am in my head while not talking to him. I’m probably the most dull person he’s come in to contact with this month. So then I start worrying about that. I can’t think of a damn thing to say. I’m racking my brain and coming up empty every time. My mind has never been so empty. I’m even boring myself.

I have this aha! moment when we are almost done eating. “So my friends are doing a game night tonight. They’ve been pestering me all day about it. Interested?” So… we end up at game night. And the night is instantly better! Blame it on the fact that we get more people to fill the silence, blame it on the wine, blame it on the fact that my friends are there, blame it on it actually being a good date, blame whatever! It turned around! I did get embarrassed quite often – blushed a ton (thanks to the game that eluded to sex like 50,000 times) – but we had such a good time. Conversation was easy the rest of the night. Even on the drive back to his place. He said he’d like to see me again. (I’ve heard that before.) Maybe its just one of those things guys say at the end of a date. We shall see. At this point the jury is still out on whether I’d even agree to date number two. I’m just glad it wasn’t a total bust – in my opinion… and after all, we decided mine is the only one that matters.  🙂

I am exhausted just reliving it. Maybe this will get easier. Or maybe I can boycott the traditional dinner date. Does it give off the wrong vibe if I just wanna order take out and have a movie marathon??? Seems way less stressful. Maybe I’ll come up with more creative non-stressful (less stressful! Lets be honest, I don’t know how to NOT stress) date ideas. Suggestions are welcome!

Okay, that’s enough for now. Later!

When the Ring Comes Off

August 19, 2014

I am a very average person. I’m average in smarts, in creativeness (possibly below in this department), in looks, in height… the only thing above average on me is my width. 🙂 I’m actually fine with how I look. But i do weigh 175, wear a size 12-15, but too be fair I workout and have a good amount of muscle on me. Hardly any chest to speak of. Nothing about me is “double take”, jaw-dropping, let-me-get-her-number material. 

So imagine my surprise at what happened when the ring came off. Guys came crawling out of the wood work. Now, I’m not saying they are all quality guys here. I just mean, they made their presence known. And wouldn’t you know I found out a few (not-so-fun) facts about guys these days (hopefully these are new developments and not what women have always dealt with!).

“I want to see you some time” doesn’t mean he’ll actually make that happen.

“Let’s go out on Friday night” doesn’t mean that by Friday he won’t have found better options.

The “keepers” come across as too desperate and clingy and you may not know how to handle that without cutting off all ties… which is kind of a shame. But if he can’t find a middle ground, neither can you.

They have the right words for getting what they want… a few of them have absolutely no problem saying what you want to hear to “seal the deal” with no follow thru later…. this one hurts to find out… sorry good guys, these guys absolutely ruin it for you… this is where we pack what is known as baggage. a big bag of distrust and a bad taste in our mouth from that one guy. 

What the hell is wrong with the world????? I mean, I’ve been married for 5 years, and with the same guy since high school. Has this always been the case?!?!? I know i know i sound completely naive but damn! I just didn’t know about all this chaos all my fellow single sisters were going through! 

And i know if you are a guy reading this you are thinking you are the exception…. Most guys say that. And in reality I actually do trust that most guys aren’t this bad… but from what I experienced these last few months you’d never know. It’s almost comical. Aaaaaand I am partly to blame for going to places like bars and expecting more… or should i say, expecting neutral… actually I just never expected any of this! I never expected this attention. Period! BUT! Only took a few guys to undo my naivety. I feel like an ole pro now!

I guess this turned into more of a rant… hmm… sorry! 

Actually I have a date tonight… and for some strange reason I’m not particular excited about it, but like a moth to a flame I HAVE to go towards it. Curiosity – it might be the death of me. BUT I CAN’T HELP IT! Even all my recent experiences won’t shut me down to the world. I forgive easy. Well, to be honest, I just usually flat out forget sooner than forgiveness is necessary. I believe people are good… guys included (even now). So, I carry on… slightly less hopeful, but still open to life experiences. And I give people a lot of wiggle room… I guess that’s me being gracious? But that sounds way more pretentious than what I really mean and how I really feel. I just know that is what is necessary when dealing with me… I need alllllll the grace you are willing to extend. 

Anyway… I better get a quick workout in before the night begins! 

about me

August 18, 2014

Well, as of today, August 18th, 2014, I am…. me. Well that’s a boring statement. But in my defense… insert today’s date and its always a true statement. So maybe its brilliant… like the sentence “I am.” 1000% true every time. I personally love these kind of statements. I think they are simply, beautifully brilliant.

Anyway! I’m 26… looking into the eyes of 27 in the next 6 weeks. I’m recently (as in exactly 2 months and 23 hours and 15 minutes) divorced. No kids. Young professional (well, at least I try to be).  Text addict. I love hash tags… and i’m a closet selfie taker… but I care too much about how I’m perceived to actually post them as often as I want. I wait for a good reason… like my niece “is the cutest thing ever!” or “look! the Eifle tower!”… I’ve never been to Paris, but you get the gist. I think that’s just the product of my generation… we are stuck between the last generation who will remember a time before internet and iphones and thinking that the only reason chef’s and food preparers present food so purposefully is so we can snap a pic and post it to our favorite social media site(s). I mean, why else would they care if what we are about to devour looks good?!?! Again, I resist this overwhelming urge as I do selfies. You. Are. Welcome.

I like to think I’m a pretty simple person, but the fact that I’m a woman betrays me right off the bat. I’m a St. Louis Cardinals fan that doesn’t currently own a tv… debating a purchase… so my cardinal stats are about a season (or two) behind. I have a puppy, well he’s 3-ish. I rescued him in May. He’s some sort of mutt, chaweenie breed. I just know him as a little black dog that loves to cuddle. I call him Sammie. More about him later.

I’m pretty dorky. I’m learning to let this side of me show… Not sure why i spent so long suppressing it… well, i have theories. More on this topic later. I have a food problem, but I workout (kind of a lot) to compensate. I’m a little bit of a workoutaholic. Again, more on that later.

I guess you are wondering what the point is. Welp, I am not sure. This blog will probably be a lot about me being newly divorced… and all that comes with it. I have a lot in my head. And I’m pretty internal, but my favorite way to process a situation is thru typing it out. I guess that’s the point. You are in the middle of my processing space… that is actually a little scary. Are you hooked yet? buhahahaha. oh. you aren’t? ooops. alrighty… well, maybe you’ll be bored enough (or procrastinating enough) next Monday morning to roll back around and see what ramblings I have decided to share.

Till then… hope the day goes well. Later!