Posts Tagged ‘money’

distance, money, priorities

February 14, 2016

Valentine’s Day… I hope I’m eating my words tomorrow after I write this slight rant.

My bf doesn’t exactly have the extra funds to celebrate Valentine’s Day in the traditional sense. We won’t be going out. I won’t get presents, chocolates, or a card.

I’d never fault someone for doing the responsible thing with their money and not spending it in areas where it’s not reasonable. I’m a frugal (okay, fine! cheap) person and I can justify not spending money on it…

But…

I feel like…

I’m going to be very down about it tomorrow. Why would I indulge in a pity party over this? Why can’t I just get over it and be grateful for some quality time… First quality time, btw and worth noting, we’ve had in a full month. Not just quality time, but this is the first time I’ve seen him in a month. The lack of funds has seriously stunted him traveling in my direction with his gas guzzler.

But it feels like more than money. And it feels more than valentine’s day neglect.

Something is missing right now. And I can’t quite put my finger on it. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I feel less complete than I did a few months back. Remember all the right words that could fix anything? Remember all the touching? Remember? Yeah, I barely can, too. I know a month is a long time. And I’m hoping that it’s just all that space we created that is making it feel this way. Maybe we just need more consistency to feel it again… Could a month be detrimental? Irreversible?

I need to feel wanted. Needed. I want to feel like a priority. I guess that’s it. I don’t feel like a priority. And I hate that because it felt soooooo good to finally connect with someone on this mutual level again.

But with all this being said… it could sincerely just be the lack of funds that is keeping us apart and keeping valentine’s day non-existent. In my experience tho, If a man wants something a man gets it or dies trying.

things i dislike…

January 8, 2016
  • When compliments are fished for. I don’t like stroking egos for the sake of an ego being stroked. I like to give compliments where they are needed and when they are evoked from me implicitly. I want to be inspired so strongly that it pops out! Or to lift someone’s spirit with one. But if I, for one second, think that this compliment is only going to inflate an already inflated head, I won’t do it. I will keep it. Even if its a noteworthy and an earned compliment. I keep it.
  • Carrying a clip board… there is no way to not look like a douche bag carrying one of those. It’s like mustaches… there’s no way to make it look good. I don’t care who you are (I’m talkin to you Tom Sellek, just because I wouldn’t recognize you without it doesn’t mean its doing anything to improve your look). A clip board says you think you are important. A clipboard says I’m about to boss you around. It says I’ve gotta boss so many people around that I can’t even memorize the list so see? I carry it on me.
  • Dreams about being pregnant… Or deciding on pregnancy… I wake up sad. And its probably not even literally about having a baby. It’s something less intuitive or whatever, right? Whatever.
  • Being unmotivated. Just get up and go, gah! I’m a type A person. So, my happy place is crossing off a check list and getting shit done. That alone gives me sooooo many feel goods… So being unmotivated makes me have the same amount of feels, but they are bad feels. I hate feeling the bad feels. Get up and go!
  • When money and/or distance is a pain point. Money and distance just shouldn’t be a factor in decisions or matters of the heart.
  • Not being able to say certain things because I don’t want to hurt feelings. This runs my verbal life. I put words on a pedal-stool because I can’t take them back. They are the most permanent thing on this planet. So usually if I’m in doubt, I keep them to myself, but… It’s not always healthy.
  • When someone says I’m “too nice”. Bitch please! This is a choice! I EFFING WANT TO BE NICE! BACK OFF! Just because I make you feel bad because you make all your decisions based on only your own wants and desires doesn’t mean you need to pull me into your selfish game.
  • When a friend chooses an ugly bridesmaid’s dress. A lot of us make fun of this. We joke about a bride being the best looking in the wedding party, and going as far as sabotaging the whole bridesmaid’s look. THIS IS REAL! I am in a wedding in a few weeks. My friend, the bride, is one of these woman. She has insecurities that run so deep she doesn’t even know about them. But they manifest themselves in ways like picking a bridesmaid’s dress that puffs out hips in a round marshmallow way instead of a curvy sexy way. I hate to think these decisions weren’t made subconsciously but I know her… and she thought about it. This is the same chick that made me turn around to go get my wedding ring that I accidentally left on the sink before going on a night on the town (when I was married and she wasn’t engaged). I said, “Oh shoot, I forgot my ring.” We are a mile from my house, not far, but super inconvenient. “You HAVE to turn around. Nu uh, you can’t go downtown without that.” She didn’t want me to even slightly appear available next to her. Maybe I should be flattered by this one, but I just find it odd and manipulating. True story. Anyway, back to the dress. I have a philosophy that I live by. I have gone against this time and time again, and each time I go against it I hate myself ALL day long. Philosophy: Never leave the house until you feel cute in what you are wearing. This really effects my self esteem. Its not worth saving time on settling for an outfit. I need to think I look cute. I don’t care who else thinks it. *I* need to think this. But in this dress I feel huge and frumpy. I’ll be the one at the wedding curled up (possibly under a table) with a stolen bottle of champagne. No, not the girl with the glass… the one next to her chugging from the bottle. (Wow, I really ranted about that one. Moving right along.)
  • When what-ifs take up even the most minuscule moment of my cognitive space. What-ifs take everything good out of the present. They are simply torture. I think If I was ever being questioned by the CIA you’d just have to put me in a room with all my what-ifs. It won’t be long that I’ll say anything and beg to be out of that room. I love now. And what-ifs just try to make me question everything, even all the things going right.
  • When people don’t yield when entering round-abouts. There’s one right outside of my apartment complex. Laying on my horn didn’t become a natural reflex till I started having to do this round-about multiple times a day. I honk like a New Yorker now. (Is that a thing?)
  • Being on-call on the weekends. Does this need any more explaining?? That’s me this weekend, btw.

Most of these bullet points merit a full blog post. But for the sake of positivity I’m going to get all the negative stuff down and out of the way. And because they are in my brain NOW and need OUT!

Happy Friday all!

something right

November 13, 2015

I think I’ve been making a mistake by only looking at the bad moments and asking what is going wrong.

I think intuitively my process (of working through my binge/emotional eating disorder) has been:

  • Learn to recognize the bad moments while in a bad moment.
  • Think about why this moment is bad. Be extremely specific and focus on what emotion I am feeling.
  • Learn from that going forward, whether its eliminating the source or finding productive ways to deal with it other than eating.

But what if the question isn’t what is wrong in the bad moments, but asking what is right in the good moments? Why shouldn’t we practice mindfulness in the good times too?

I’ve had a kickass week. K I C K A S S !

I never once had a binge moment. Or even a thought of binging. I never had to struggle with it at all. Usually I’m neck deep in should I order chef shuttle or not EVERY NIGHT. Getting as far as the check out page and closing the browser only to jump back on chef shuttle and repeat. Not once this week!

It could simply be it’s that sweet spot week that my hormone levels aren’t crazy. Which would be really sad because that would mean that 50-75% of my child bearing years are just damned to sabotage me. Not comforting.

I was productive. Got a few amazing workouts. I got a set of 10 pushups!! I’ve been working up to that for a while now. I ran some much needed errands. Made a major dent in my christmas shopping. Cleaned out my pantry. At work I was extremely productive too. Felt like a contributing part of my team… doesn’t happen often being the low man on the totem pole. But it’s hard to nail down what the product of a right moment is and what the source of a good moment is. Like, am I feeling productive because I did all those things? or is my productivity the side effect of something else that was right…?

So what was right?

  • I don’t have a relationship inner struggle. The Sir/poly/Andy/mono struggle I was consumed with is resolved. I knew it was resting heavy on me, but stress is one of those things that you don’t quite know how much its effecting you til it is lifted and gone.
  • I had all the right groceries in my fridge. Usually this is the case, but I also took time this week to prep food for the following day each day. I kind of followed the zone diet. So I’d make/prep/pack at least 6 zones to take to work with me to eat before I got home and before my workout.
  • Me and Andy are great. He has a way of saying things that put me at ease as soon as I feel the girly doubtful irrational thoughts creep in my head.
  • My ex finally paid the rest of what he owed me for the house. I’ve been stressing about money lately and christmas shopping seemed so dreadful. But he paid me the money and it made my christmas shopping much more enjoyable. I basically got my list of people taken care of. The rest of my christmas shopping is going to be way relaxing. Basically now I can just buy when I see something that makes me thing of someone. The fun thoughtful gifts people wouldn’t think of.
  • This is the second week in a row I’ve kept my social calendar relatively clear. I was getting into a habit of filling it all up. Every evening I had plans. So the moments I was sitting still would hit me like a brick and trigger whatever binge emotions are there. It took me 5 days of chilling out to actually relax and calm my inner cookie (and pizza and really any other carb) monster. It’s funny, I don’t feel bored or lonely in these moments… but maybe there’s something there… about the chaos of life stopping that does trigger it. Been bouncing this around in my head after I realized how relaxed I finally got last Thursday.

So the big ones are in that list…. work, relationships, money… those all felt right this week. Hm… interesting!

Despite being on-call this week, and having that be disruptive to my sleep schedule, I felt completely in control. I decided when and what I was going to eat instead of the cravings deciding for me. Everything I ate was quality food, perfect portions, and once it was done I was done. These moments are so rare it seems. Feels good to be in control.

Let’s do this again next week!

Happy Friday all!