Posts Tagged ‘masochist’

first time

August 27, 2018

When it happened for the first time it became a part of her. Like knowing and understanding all the moving pieces of a dream that doesn’t make sense when conscious. All it took was the glimmer and she was defined. She knew. She needed no more persuading. No more experimenting. Nothing could undo it. She was an immediate. Intuition is weird like that. Like a moment of déjà vu. You’ve already seen this moment. It’s already a part of you. No one needed to teach that.

When it happened it’s as if she became more whole. She wasn’t not whole before… but… she now had acquired more of herself. The kind of self that makes up your soul. Not just like having blue as your favorite color or having a favorite soft drink. But the kind of self-awareness that makes one older…. Wiser? It does something else too. It makes one more attractive. From the inside out. Like rays coming through the clouds. You can tell by looking at her that it comes from well beneath the surface.

How did something that instantly became so much of her not exist in the previous moment? But didn’t it? Maybe it was just uncovered. Part of her was in the darkness. And now it’s in light. Kind of like that painting that is the two faces in black, but a goblet in white. Once you see the goblet (or the faces, whichever you didn’t see immediately) you can never un-see it. Every time you see that picture again…. All the parts are there in every moment your eyes are upon it. Just like she didn’t become someone different.

All it took was the hint of his next move. His hands started at her breast… which is quite normal for that kind of scene. The primal moments between man and woman where things just are just born. His hand crept up from there. Did he do it slow? Or was it that when he started the ascent she knew what she wanted and she begged silently and held her breath. Then it happened. His hand landed exactly how she had hoped. How did she know to hope for this? His hand. Her neck. She didn’t realize she was actually holding her breath till the grip hit and she let out a gasp. A moan accompanied the gasp a long with new wetness escaping her. In one big eruption.

That was the moment she knew.

But she didn’t really know. She just found this piece of her that was there all along. She didn’t know it had a name. she didn’t know it was relatively normal…. Or normal in this day an age where networking with everyone on the planet means you can find commonalities with anyone no matter how perverse.

It took a few more moments of equal weight to this moment for her to find that definition.

Masochist.

She remembers the first time someone said that to her. And she repeated it. And it was right.

“You’re a masochist.” “I’m a masochist.”

Again, in an instant… more light uncovered her soul.

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velcro

June 10, 2016

mike

He wants to be my daddy. And I’d love that. He would be a good one. I know he would be. One major catch tho. He works in Tokyo and travels a shit ton. I need some skin on skin time to know whether I can have him as my daddy on a permanent basis. Could I handle being collared by someone so far off?

panman

He wants to scene me. And that is all we would be. Play partners. Him and mommy are still together and seem to be doing good I guess. I wish they would just close off their relationship and he would stop tugging at me. I want to scene with him. I just know that it’ll be more drama than its worth. I don’t want mommy mad at me. panman wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, but how can that work. Counter intuitive to this particular blog post, I’m completely monogamous when my heart is involved.

Trip

Some desperate guy that messages me randomly and I don’t know why. He says we should hang out but then never follows through. More of an annoyance actually. I think I’ll ghost him. I don’t normally do that, but he is so so random. I don’t understand how someone I don’t know at all will come at my beck and call… any time of day or night. Wish I could say I haven’t tested him on that… I don’t know him that well, but he’s handsome and nice and strong and has a good job and all this surface stuff that makes the desperation vibe feel out of place.

coach

This guy lives 2 hours away and works 1 hour away. He expects me to always do the leg work. “come see me.” Boy, please! I ain’t that desperate. Plus, if I go down there I KNOW that he’ll want me to pay for a hotel room because he lives with his brother and heaven forbid anyone know I exist. He thinks I’m an idiot. He’s the biggest mooch I’ve ever dealt with. I pretty much just keep saying no.

R

I don’t know why he isn’t jumping at me. He always says he wants to. And he never ever follows through. Normally he can’t. He works to much. But now he has fallen into a better position with more money and less hours and still… where is he? I’d love to try a relationship with him at some point. I just don’t know why he drags his feet. I suppose he could just be a huge liar. And say he wants wants wants us to happen but really could he just be too lazy or un-enthused to make it happen? I don’t get this one. I swear he says he wants me and loves me even. But I don’t know why there’s no follow through. Is he waiting on me? I feel it when we are together. Something good and solid could be here. I’m confused tho. Obviously my reading skills are off on this one. But surely that connection I feel isn’t fake. That would be hard to fabricate, right?

trey

Oh trey. Gah, you are growing on me. I haven’t seen him since Sunday and truth be told I kind of miss him.

stephen

What in the world are you doing messaging me. You live in Ohio. lol I don’t get it. Just boredom??

m

Why do you have to string me along. I had (have?) so much love for you. The what ifs… and maybe down the roads… are driving me insane. I wanted that with you… want? Last June I wouldn’t given ANYTHING to have it. And still you say let’s try in the future.

—-

I’m so jumbled up by mitch. I feel like I’m clinging and could cling to anything right now. I feel like Velcro. I could stick to anything. And things are sticking to me. And all that’s happening is I’m getting a little dirty. Sigh. My nerves feel shot. I feel all over the place. flailing. I’m sad. I just thought mitch was going to be it… now I’m in the muck again. And I’m allowing all of it to happen. I am letting myself become this girl. Some of it is fun, but mainly I’m just passing the time. I’m just covering up the hurt I feel. I’m using and being used. I know I am. I just… don’t know what else to do right now. Feels like I can’t help but go down this path…

the good kind of bruises

June 1, 2016

I

have

bruises

everywhere!

Feels like someone busted my lip. Please don’t even think about touching either earlobe. My neck feels like its been ripped apart with hands and teeth. Oh right… it was. When my thighs rub together as I walk I can feel the bite marks on both sides. My right quad is one big knot. And my ass… oh good lord.

I’m so exhausted today. It’s feels so good to bear these marks. When I have these pains and bruises I have a weird mix of wanting to show them off and terrified someone might notice one. How do you explain that one in a corporate environment. It’s not easy to list out all the physical and psychological reasons why I want this and enjoy this. I suppose saying “I’m a masochist” would suffice for most. At least it would make a few uncomfortable enough to stop prying. LOL.

And I just found another spot…. The back of my right arm. No teeth marks. Phew!! I told R I’d have to give him rules next time… nothing above the nipples. Ha. That’ll hold water.

broken

May 25, 2016

So… I’m having a hard time not covering up this pain by reaching out to someone else. Like, anyone else. I have been in communication with 5 other guys that have shown interest in me in the past… Why am I dumping all this complication on myself on top of all this heartache? Is it worth the tiny ego boost?

I’m standing on the sidelines in my mind screaming at myself to run in the other direction and yet I am completely ignoring it. I’ve already got a play date for next Tuesday with someone who is going to beat me and use the shit out of me until I can’t feel anything. I already have this set up! And it’s with someone that was (is) in love with me. How could I use someone this way? The only fair thing about all this is that I’ve told him everything. That I’m in pain and I’d like to convert that to physical pain. That I crave it. I need it’s centering effects. Worst part after him being in love with me is that me and this guy have a legitimate chance of actually being an incredible couple. We just haven’t had the timing workout in the past.

So how can I be so selfish and needy right now knowing all that? Yet… it’s on the calendar. Therefore it is.

I can’t wait. Can’t wait to be too exhausted to move. Can’t wait to feel so much that my feels shut down and I’m numb. When M broke my heart that’s what I wanted too. For someone to break my body other than my heart. And it worked. It was perfect. I invested in my kink.

Grasping at straws here. The pain is incredible and not in a good way right now. I just want to be broken. Taken to nothing so I can start my way back up to something stronger.

tucked in

May 3, 2016

he kissed me softly

he tied me up

he took a belt to me

he used me

he cuddled me

he tucked me in

he left

I slept like his baby girl

🙂

being his

April 29, 2016

Earlier this week I mentioned what a complete bitch I’ve been at work. I’ve let the guys make me angry. And I really let a lot of things bother me that don’t normally get to me.

Thinking about my ex and being pulled down the rejection memory lane. Being upset because I missed a few workouts that were out of my control… I mean super duper upset… just nothing rational about it. And on top of that mitch had been out of town all week interviewing for a job out of state. And that in itself carries with it a variety of emotions. I missed him terribly. I was nervous for him for the interview. I was scared he might actually get the job. I felt like a one woman cheering section for him to help ease his nerves. It was kind of a lot of work. Especially the missing him part. He originally planned on being back on Wednesday, so when he didn’t get in till 8:30 pm on Thursday it already had me a little off.

Meanwhile, mitch felt he tanked his interview. He was so down, and there is only so much you can say to a man that doesn’t feel good enough. It was heartbreaking to hear him talk about. He got to visit friends and family while he was out of town so that was good. But, also, he found out that his really good friend (who is was staying with for the week) is cheating on his wife and got dragged into the plot as an alibi. I could tell he was completely torn about loyalty to his friend and his own morals on the subject of fidelity. Then right before he got to my place he apparently had a phone call with his dad about the interview. The conversation only solidified his feelings of not being good enough. How do people not understand that the most important part about bouncing back from something like that is to encourage and build up. I just don’t see how a parent can be so harsh when their child is already so down. Why on earth would he have added insult to injury??

Before he walked into my apartment I had no idea about the phone call with his dad, but I did notice he was down. I chalked it up to maybe being tired after such a long day and a lot of driving. I even said what’s up with these half-assed kisses. Didn’t you miss me?? I could tell that hit him exactly like I needed it to to pull our connection back after being apart. I always need that. I need some intense affection to undo missing him. If he walked in and barely touched me and we went right to bed, I’d miss him even more while laying next to him. That’s how it went with andy… every weekend. It left me feeling so unfulfilled.

Anyway, as I said, he got my message. We cuddled and made out… for about 5 minutes before heading to the bedroom. THANK GOD! I hate missing someone that long and I needed me some intimacy to set me straight. Is anyone else like this? I don’t think anything short of sex would’ve done it.

But even earlier that day, I could tell I needed something even more than normal.

Before we hit the bedroom I already knew something was different. There was a different kind of need we both had.

Something I haven’t mentioned before about mitch. He is more than just into rough sex. He’s got some kink to him. Of course, we all know that delights the hell out of me. My submissive/masochist side is and forever will be there. He hasn’t had a whole lot of opportunity before me to put much of his sadist side to practice tho. Mostly (I think) he has just experimented with some bondage play. I could be wrong. But that is my understanding.

He took me as his so fully. I haven’t felt this with him before. Not on this level. It was amazing. He got heavier handed than normal and he was even more demanding and needy. He took everything he needed from me. It was so fulfilling. I knew that I’d be thinking about it all day today with each blow. One hit in particular… It was that one hit… it centered me all by itself. Every part of my body and brain reacted to it. What a release! And the rest of “the session” was just icing on the cake. I got to bathe in my subbie side and masochist side and it felt so so so good. It’s been tooooo long. Mitch hasn’t taken me to my limit yet, not even close. We are in the beginning of us. We’re still laying ground work and trying to find the edges. Last night he got a hint of how much more I could possibly handle.

Afterwards we talked about it a little. I like to do this as soon as it feels right… gauge his head space about it. He tells me about his dad’s phone call almost immediately. It made so much sense. I asked if he got out his aggression like he needed. He looked up at me as if a light bulb went off in his mind. Like, “oh, that IS what I was doing.” He so sincerely said, “Yes, yes, I did.” Sir T taught me this too. It’s more than just what you enjoy in bed… it’s an outlet to life’s stress. I loved this look he gave me. And I didn’t have to say anything else about it. I just said, “I needed it too.” And I just curled up on him being his.

fun for a sadist

October 21, 2015

In the middle of a movie he takes off his belt. Sets it next to him on my couch.

For most men when the belt comes off it’s like a woman taking off her bra. It’s the release of a day. It’s getting cozy and comfy and retreating to the blissful end of day.

When a sadist takes off his belt… It’s never about comfy and cozy. It’s methodical. You can bet that belt choice was made before leaving the house with knowledge of its dual purpose.

So, Sir takes off his belt and sets it aside. I take note. But my attention span isn’t that great. I get lost in the movie within minutes. I lay my head on his lap, which I don’t normally do, but it felt right.

He starts to pet me. I love being pet. It’s a turn on. It’s calming. It’s one of those things that always make me want more. I always find myself silently begging when I’m being pet. Hair, down my side, hips…. all my favorite spots over and over again. He loops his belt around my neck. Pulled taught, but not adding pressure yet. But this is enough for me to go from silent begging to a complete change in breathing. I know he notices that. It’s why he did it. Nothing is on accident. The petting continued.

I don’t remember if we finished the movie. He switches from petting to pulling the belt tight around my neck. I’m in sensory heaven. I love that feeling in my head when the oxygen is cut off. My whole body reacts. I’m instantly desperate for everything. I just want more. Of anything.

He stands me up. He always takes his time taking off my clothes. I’m getting use to this part of the routine. Its the only constant from scene to scene. He pulls my shirt off. Takes off my bra. The belt still hanging from my neck. He unzips my jeans. Pushes them down. I step out of them. He puts my hands in cuffs… and connects those cuffs to a spreader bar laying across the back of my neck. He takes the hanging belt and fastens it to the bar too. Clamps my nipples. Shoves my face into the couch, forcing my knees to the ground.

His phone starts ringing… I hate reality checks during scenes. hate hate hate. I wanna stay gone. But then I realize he is the one making the call… on speaker! Wait… VIDEO CALL??? I am pulled out of this scene hard!

It’s his best friend… she’s also a sub… not his. “I thought you forgot about me!?” She was in bed waiting on his call. ha. They planned a chit chat in the middle of our scene?? Talk about a sadist. He’s laughing at me. I haven’t met this girl yet. So… hello lady… yes, these are nipple clamps. and yeah, my forehead is stuck to the couch… Don’t mind this pretty little belt on my neck… Glad I could meet you and you could see me naked all in the same moment. To be fair, she pulls out a boob too. Why thank you. She’s actually really cute. Dark hair. Dark eyes. She didn’t really acknowledge the peculiar state I was in. Gotta love fellow kinksters.

He randomly cuts off my oxygen as they continue the conversation – making sure to aim the camera at my face… as I can’t help but react – because it’s what I do when my oxygen is being played with.

Sometimes a scene is sexy…. and sometimes it’s just sadist-y.

subspace

October 5, 2015

He spent a few minutes in the bedroom preparing something. He called me in. I obeyed immediately. I was sitting on the edge of my seat anyway in the next room – excited with anticipation. All I knew about what was to come was the phrase “heavy session.” I didn’t know exactly what he meant, but I was good just knowing there was a plan! I love when there is forethought. I feel a little less appreciated when our play dates come around and my partner is winging it. But Sir T always has a plan. Always has a next step. Always a progression.

I enter my bedroom. He’s already there. I see it in his eyes. He is all Dom in this moment. I love that. He puts a blind fold on me. In one motion he spins me around, picks me up, and quite literally throws me up and onto the bed. I’m already enjoying every second. He commands me to lie flat, face down. Limb by limb he secures me with rope to the bed. It’s tight. It’s secure. It feels safe and comforting… counter intuitive? Maybe, but masochism doesn’t make sense in and of itself either.

He starts in with the flogger. I love everything about a flogger. I love when it’s used like a weapon. Beating me with the countless tails. I love it when I’m being caressed by one… feeling the leather of each strip every where all at once. When the handle is being pushed into my back or teasing me… I feel everything. Pain. All the pain. All the nerves in my back and ass are on fire. And begging for more.

He uses several toys. Paddles, a crop, other tools I can’t quite determine with the blindfold on. I love the way a crop sounds. It has a purr right before it strikes. I can always recognize this one.

At some point I stop feeling pain. Nothing hurts. And I know I can handle just about anything he wants to do to me. Everywhere that has been touched just feels warm, and every strike following it just leaves me hungry. I’m feeling desperate. I want more and more and more. I can only squirm as much as the rope will let me. I start shaking. I just want more. I don’t feel pain, but my mouth responds to pain. With every blow I’m crying out in pain, but why? I feel nothing but yummy heat. My body is leaning in to every blow, then running away in response. It’s as if there are two of me. One hurting and one enjoying.

He knows where I am, and sees both of me struggling to co-exist. This is where he wants me. He puts his hand on me. On my back. Pressing down. Bringing me back just enough to know I’m okay. He says something. What did he say? I must have responded for he is satisfied with the answer. My ankles are set free. He picks me up at the hips. Forcing my knees under me. Positioning me to receive him. But I’m not here. I’m somewhere else. High on pain and torture in such a blissful way. Before my mind can catch up with my body my wrists are untied one at a time. He slips off the blindfold. But I’m assaulted by the light. Even when I finally do open my eyes, I can’t see straight. Everything is blurry. I lay down. He is close by. Petting me back to reality. It takes so long to come back. I can tell I’m fighting to stay where I was. My body is convulsing. There’s a smile on my face. And tears? Why am I crying? I feel so good. My eyes still can’t see for a long time.

This was by far the most intense session yet. Heavy session?? Yes, again please! I’ve never experienced subspace in such a complete way before. I never quite made it out of my body before… Incredible!

wax

September 24, 2015
I wasn’t nervous till he asked me to pick which color I wanted first.
Decisions always trigger my nerves. Especially when my dom is involved. Isn’t he the all time decision maker? So I pick fast. White. The candles have been heating since before we started making dinner.
He approaches me slowly. Kneeling beside me. Looks at me. Naked on the floor. Then into my eyes. Taking my temperature again. I must have passed the test because he tilted the jar. I braced myself.
The wax hits my skin. Warm, not hot at all. Nothing hurts. I relax some. He continues to pour. Like an artist with a paint brush and me, his canvas… he continues to pour slowing.
After each candle is spent he asks for the next color. We go through them all. White, Green, Red, Blue, Red again…
As the wax is spilling and splattering and rolling down my skin…. the warmth hardens. It feels nice. No pain. Just pleasure. He is concentrating on my body so intently. And I’m looking into his eyes as he paints. Watching the directions his eyes shift. I enjoy someone enjoying my body – a submissive trait, for sure.
I kept thinking what’s next? What will happen when he is finished? What will his pleasure be? Then the answer comes… in the form of a paint scraper.
I laugh to myself. While he was enjoying being the artist… he knew the scraper was coming. I’m happy about this too – a masochist trait, for sure

cane

September 14, 2015

The initial impact takes your breath away. It feels almost unbearable. The evidence of the blow echos as it lifts from your skin. The pain has a way of reverberating for a few seconds. Starting out strong and heavy then fading into a dull sting… Just as the stinging stops the second impact takes your breath away….