Posts Tagged ‘masochism’

first time

August 27, 2018

When it happened for the first time it became a part of her. Like knowing and understanding all the moving pieces of a dream that doesn’t make sense when conscious. All it took was the glimmer and she was defined. She knew. She needed no more persuading. No more experimenting. Nothing could undo it. She was an immediate. Intuition is weird like that. Like a moment of déjà vu. You’ve already seen this moment. It’s already a part of you. No one needed to teach that.

When it happened it’s as if she became more whole. She wasn’t not whole before… but… she now had acquired more of herself. The kind of self that makes up your soul. Not just like having blue as your favorite color or having a favorite soft drink. But the kind of self-awareness that makes one older…. Wiser? It does something else too. It makes one more attractive. From the inside out. Like rays coming through the clouds. You can tell by looking at her that it comes from well beneath the surface.

How did something that instantly became so much of her not exist in the previous moment? But didn’t it? Maybe it was just uncovered. Part of her was in the darkness. And now it’s in light. Kind of like that painting that is the two faces in black, but a goblet in white. Once you see the goblet (or the faces, whichever you didn’t see immediately) you can never un-see it. Every time you see that picture again…. All the parts are there in every moment your eyes are upon it. Just like she didn’t become someone different.

All it took was the hint of his next move. His hands started at her breast… which is quite normal for that kind of scene. The primal moments between man and woman where things just are just born. His hand crept up from there. Did he do it slow? Or was it that when he started the ascent she knew what she wanted and she begged silently and held her breath. Then it happened. His hand landed exactly how she had hoped. How did she know to hope for this? His hand. Her neck. She didn’t realize she was actually holding her breath till the grip hit and she let out a gasp. A moan accompanied the gasp a long with new wetness escaping her. In one big eruption.

That was the moment she knew.

But she didn’t really know. She just found this piece of her that was there all along. She didn’t know it had a name. she didn’t know it was relatively normal…. Or normal in this day an age where networking with everyone on the planet means you can find commonalities with anyone no matter how perverse.

It took a few more moments of equal weight to this moment for her to find that definition.

Masochist.

She remembers the first time someone said that to her. And she repeated it. And it was right.

“You’re a masochist.” “I’m a masochist.”

Again, in an instant… more light uncovered her soul.

Advertisements

broken

May 25, 2016

So… I’m having a hard time not covering up this pain by reaching out to someone else. Like, anyone else. I have been in communication with 5 other guys that have shown interest in me in the past… Why am I dumping all this complication on myself on top of all this heartache? Is it worth the tiny ego boost?

I’m standing on the sidelines in my mind screaming at myself to run in the other direction and yet I am completely ignoring it. I’ve already got a play date for next Tuesday with someone who is going to beat me and use the shit out of me until I can’t feel anything. I already have this set up! And it’s with someone that was (is) in love with me. How could I use someone this way? The only fair thing about all this is that I’ve told him everything. That I’m in pain and I’d like to convert that to physical pain. That I crave it. I need it’s centering effects. Worst part after him being in love with me is that me and this guy have a legitimate chance of actually being an incredible couple. We just haven’t had the timing workout in the past.

So how can I be so selfish and needy right now knowing all that? Yet… it’s on the calendar. Therefore it is.

I can’t wait. Can’t wait to be too exhausted to move. Can’t wait to feel so much that my feels shut down and I’m numb. When M broke my heart that’s what I wanted too. For someone to break my body other than my heart. And it worked. It was perfect. I invested in my kink.

Grasping at straws here. The pain is incredible and not in a good way right now. I just want to be broken. Taken to nothing so I can start my way back up to something stronger.

vanilla drop?

November 11, 2015

I didn’t recognize it as ‘sub’ space when I was there. But I crashed just the same.

Me and Andy had just finished up, and I went to the bathroom per my usually post-sex routine. But it hit me hard and I immediately went to back to him. I curled up onto him. I couldn’t stop shaking. Usually I have some sort of control on it… whether its a small stifling or flat out stopping it…. Shakes came hard and fast and frequent. Violent almost. I could feel the tears sitting on the inside of my cheeks, threatening to push up and out.

He kept asking if I was okay. I could barely get out a ‘yes.’ How do I explain a subdrop to someone vanilla? All I could say (after quite some time and fumbling over words) was that I must have just let my self go up too high. He was really sweet about it. He didn’t mind my crying. He encouraged it. He said that he’d rather me cry in his arms than without him.

I feel like Sir has tapped into a dam. He opened me up to whatever that was. And whatever it is is STILL open. And without feeding my masochism.. I didn’t really know that could happen. And it all still kind of confuses me. Do people experience this? I never have before out side of a d/s scene. I mean, yes I shake some, not to that extent tho, and never the crying.

The next time we had sex he took time to bring me down. I didn’t advise him that I thought he should. Or give him any ques at all on how to possibly make my drop a little easier. He rubbed my back all over. Petting me. Large round strokes on my bare skin. I don’t know how he knew to do that. It was so sweet. I’m not sure if it’s something he researched… I try not to talk about d/s stuff with him at all, but I have told him a lot in the past… I just don’t talk about it anymore with him. So I’m not even sure there was something he would know to look up. I’m just really happy that he learned from an experience that I didn’t even know there was something to learn from. It was a very sweet gesture.

Have any of you experienced this?