Posts Tagged ‘loving yourself’

Day 2: making your mirror your friend

October 13, 2017

SO apparently the 21 day mirror work is going to take longer than 21 days. I did this a few days ago… but didn’t journal. and Definitely didn’t do day 3 yet. So, lets record day 2.

Making your mirror your friend.

Today the exercise is looking into the mirror, breathing, looking at yourself, and saying “I love you. I really really love you”. It says to say it 100 times thru the day. I think I got to like 13. :-/

Journaling exercise:

  1. What do you want that you aren’t getting?
  2. when you were growing up, what were the rules about deserving? Did you always have to earn in order to deserve? were things taken away from you when you did wrong?
    1. this one is interesting to answer. I was 1 of 5 kids. We deserved nothing. HAHA. Seriously. When we got something out of the ordinary it was a treat. I don’t think this effected me negatively except maybe that it makes question number one hard to answer. Like… what do you want that you aren’t getting? like… what else is there? lol see! That’s why its blank.
  3. Do you feel that you deserve to live? have joy?
    1. Deserve? Have i earned life and joy? I have no friggin clue! I don’t know about deserve… but living and having joy are huge gifts from the universe that I will gladly accept to their full extent!

Heart thought for the day: I am deserving.

Oh… lol I guess the answer is I DO deserve things. lol SO my little brother was right the last time we spoke about all the wonderful :-/ guys I’ve been choosing for myself.

Mediation thought of the day: envision yourself standing in a safe place and saying that I am open and receptive – declaring what i want and what i don’t want. See myself whole and happy and healthy at peace and filled with love. Let the love go thru me and out of me and back to me.

I did this a few days ago… Every room I stepped into I sent out love. I loved it. The gym is a big room to fill! lol

We can choose to circle ourselves with hate or love in this world… why on god’s green earth would we choose hate.

“See the world becoming an incredible circle of love. And so it is.”

jealousy tango

April 6, 2016

I finally did it. I deactivated my Fetlife account. I also blocked about a bagillion men on my phone, facebook, instagram, and snapchat. I deleted my kik app. Basically anything that might accidentally have someone drunk texting/messaging/snapping me.

Mitch is suuuuuuper jealous. And… I’m kind of nervous about that! I haven’t exactly set up a shady free life over here. I mean, I’m well on my way there now! And that’s of my OWN FREE WILL! I’m terrified that anyone of these mother fucker’s from my past will send a dick pic just because they are lonely or some bullshit. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. Why the HELL do I entertain these munchkins (munchkins? going with it) in the first place?! I really don’t know. And it’s not like it feels weird at the time… It just progresses in a way that… gets weird. I’m not particularly proud or happy and DEFINITELY not fond of it.

Any way, if it isn’t a dick pic, it’s an “I miss you” text… or a “been thinking about you” or “you still dating that guy?”… and on and on and on.

I can’t have any of these unwarranted and uninvited messages being taken as me being an interested party. NOT EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST! Mitch will take one look and be hurt and running! I can’t risk that.

I have men’s body wash in my bathroom. Mitch asked me about that. “Is it Andy’s?” Before I could think about it, I said, “No, it’s Sir T (of course i used his real name…)”… and he was asking me in the dark, but I swear I heard his eyes roll and body stiffen. It’s some damn body wash I was just too lazy to throw away… and really I wouldn’t throw it away. Really it’s not about laziness, I kept it around for Andy (is this messed up?). And I will probably use it as soon as my other stuff runs out. Because I’m super frugal like that.  It’s not something I think about.

I have a past. And I can be sad and ashamed and sorry and guilty or whatever for it… but you know what? I’m not that sad and ashamed and sorry or guilty over much of it at all. Would I nullify some of it if I had the chance? You fucking better believe it. But most of it has shaped who I am today and how I know what I’m worth. It took a lot of screwed up moments to understand all that. A LOT! And for the most part, all I feel is grateful for what my experiences has shaped me to be today. I love me. I’m awesome.

Mic drop; out.

Happy being me.

August 25, 2014

There are certain people that you meet that you instantly want to get to know. When I was about 19 or 20 i met a girl named Laura. She is so happy. And she says the goofiest things. She desn’t filter much. She is very honest. She is vibrant!

I sat back and would observe her. Why was she such a magnet. How does one become like that. I was the girl that filters EVERYTHING that comes out of her mouth. Nothing will accidentally come out without being weighed, measured, and found worthy. And I was hard on myself. So, basically I just didn’t speak. It came across like I was shy. But… I dont’ think I’m particularly shy… I just can’t handle being embarrassed. 

I met a girl a few years later, Her name was Lori… and I felt the same type of draw towards her. I also sat back and observed her. I realized she also said some pretty dumb and goofy and wacky and whiny things. Pretty unfiltered. She was so open to me. and I felt compelled to be open back. 

What I realized as I got older and saw these characteristics that I wanted (and somewhat practiced because, lets be honest, if i don’t practice i might embarrass myself) I discovered a few things. 

These girls were completely accepting of things. Not only did they allow others the grace to say the goofy and dumb things they took the liberty of doing it themselves. I’ve come to label these traits as Non-judgmental and confident

They knew who they were and they were okay with sharing it with the world. And they loved people well. There wasn’t this AHA! moment or anything but thru a few years of watching them and befriending them these are things i realized. I loved mirroring this. I can’t believe what happened when I decided to “practice” these things…. 

I began to LOVE myself. 

I found out that other people loved me too! I mean, they wanted me around. They sought out my company. That is a high honor in my book! 

I found that when you gave people room to be them too, they opened up to you. And to experience people that aren’t afraid to be them…. is pretty awesome too. 

I didn’t know that i had been denying myself so much. I wasn’t being me. I wasn’t letting others see me. I was just depriving me and the world of me. 

I’m still learning to open up and be honest about me… about what i feel and think… but its a work in progress. And I’m happy with the progression thus far. I’m going to say stupid things. and i’m going to be wrong…. but so! People don’t really care. In fact… they may even be grateful for the laugh while loving and respecting you just as much as before you made a fool of yourself. It’s kind of awesome how this works.