Posts Tagged ‘long distance relationship’

take 2

May 16, 2016

Last week was terrible. To say I cried a lot would be an understatement. I felt so pathetic.

While I did manage to get out and hang with friends, I still spent my nights unable to sleep and crying at 4 am in the fetal position. I’d be so wide awake by 5 that I just got up and went to the gym a few times. But trust me, I ate my feelings enough to make up for that caloric expenditure.

Sometime thru the week mitch got a job offer out of state. I think this forced a little bit of perspective on the situation. On friday evening he asked if we could discuss a few things.

With such an emotional week I didn’t know how productive a conversation about anything would be. Bottom line is I love him. I want him forever. He has issues. I have issues. But I don’t give a shit. I choose him regardless. If he could do the same with me, I don’t see why we wouldn’t be able to work this out.

He agreed.

We got back together. And I’m so so happy about it. But my relief was short lived because of this job offer.

I went from being devastated from losing him to being really sad that he was leaving me. He asked if he thought we could handle long distance.

I have no doubt I need to try! My faith in us is completely shaken, but no way I could live with not trying this.

I think it’ll be hell. His jealousy is going to cause so much pain. It’s going to be annoying as shit. I’m going to piss him off every other day because of some miscommunication or just him being paranoid or us just not agreeing on what boundaries should look like. But I am at the stage in which my mind is not going to win this. My heart has made it’s mind up! (ha. see what I did there?)

I’m in this. I’m in this with everything I have. If there is anything I’ve learned from dating and dating and dating its knowing that this right here feels a helluva lot different than the others that have come and gone. Even if different ends up not being “it” I can’t chance not treating it as such.

So here we are. I need to get it together enough to enjoy what time I have with him while he is here. Hopefully I have at least a few more weeks… But its going entirely too fast for me.

distance, money, priorities

February 14, 2016

Valentine’s Day… I hope I’m eating my words tomorrow after I write this slight rant.

My bf doesn’t exactly have the extra funds to celebrate Valentine’s Day in the traditional sense. We won’t be going out. I won’t get presents, chocolates, or a card.

I’d never fault someone for doing the responsible thing with their money and not spending it in areas where it’s not reasonable. I’m a frugal (okay, fine! cheap) person and I can justify not spending money on it…

But…

I feel like…

I’m going to be very down about it tomorrow. Why would I indulge in a pity party over this? Why can’t I just get over it and be grateful for some quality time… First quality time, btw and worth noting, we’ve had in a full month. Not just quality time, but this is the first time I’ve seen him in a month. The lack of funds has seriously stunted him traveling in my direction with his gas guzzler.

But it feels like more than money. And it feels more than valentine’s day neglect.

Something is missing right now. And I can’t quite put my finger on it. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I feel less complete than I did a few months back. Remember all the right words that could fix anything? Remember all the touching? Remember? Yeah, I barely can, too. I know a month is a long time. And I’m hoping that it’s just all that space we created that is making it feel this way. Maybe we just need more consistency to feel it again… Could a month be detrimental? Irreversible?

I need to feel wanted. Needed. I want to feel like a priority. I guess that’s it. I don’t feel like a priority. And I hate that because it felt soooooo good to finally connect with someone on this mutual level again.

But with all this being said… it could sincerely just be the lack of funds that is keeping us apart and keeping valentine’s day non-existent. In my experience tho, If a man wants something a man gets it or dies trying.

empty bed and spoiled humans

January 11, 2016

Me and A have spent almost every weekend together since we got started a little over three weeks ago. It’s the new norm. I get two nights with him. Five without.

I only spend two nights with him versus the five without. So why then when Sunday night rolls around once again is it so foreign to not have him in the bed next to me? It seems much more silent in my apartment than before he was there to begin with. How does that work?

I’ve always said that humans are really easy to spoil. I mean, we can have one good day and wonder why the next day we didn’t get what was owed to us… of course in reality it wasn’t owed to us even when the good day was happening. So I guess it’s just the case with Me and A. I’m spoiled in the two nights we spend together. And feel it unfair that I have to spend 5 without him.

On a happy note he started a new job today! It offers a small salary bump and AND AND AND!!!!! He won’t have to work nights.

Hallelujah! PRAISE THE LORD. And all other deities that deserve it!

His energy levels have been tanked while he’s been on nights. It’s both a blessing and a curse that I’m a lot to keep up with… But only a blessing if you have the energy for it  🙂 🙂 🙂 <— at least one of smilies should have horns on them.