Posts Tagged ‘lonely’

food sex alcohol

June 6, 2016

I’m on self destruct mode. I need a handle on at least the food. R has agreed to help me with that. I always love when a Dom is going to take control for me in that department. I have no control. I still wear his marks. I’m beginning to think they are permanent.

The trickiest part of wearing his marks is maneuvering them around Trey. I’ve walked the edges of bdsm in our conversation. He knows I’m into something of the sorts. But he doesn’t know I’m an active participant right now. And even with all the honestly I’ve done I haven’t explicitly said that I might be having/had sex with someone else too.

I’m honest in the fact that I want to keep it casual while I’m living on Heartbreak avenue. But to be honest, I don’t know that I’d be interested if I wasn’t suffering right now.

He’s a great guy. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He actually makes enough money to support at least himself. He’s happy. He’s quick to compliment. I haven’t had this great of a combo in quite a while. QUITE!

Such a girl move to not be interested in the guy that would be perfect, huh?

Anyway, back to the self destruct topic. Just feeling out of control. Not sure what I need to reign it in. I guess there is a sort of cycle about the chaos… The next step in this cycle is some sort of simplification. Cut the extremities. But I’m just so sad and can get a little lonely. It’s hard to cut that off. I’m being incredibly selfish right now. Ugh. I hate when I have to go find my big girl panties.

empty bed and spoiled humans

January 11, 2016

Me and A have spent almost every weekend together since we got started a little over three weeks ago. It’s the new norm. I get two nights with him. Five without.

I only spend two nights with him versus the five without. So why then when Sunday night rolls around once again is it so foreign to not have him in the bed next to me? It seems much more silent in my apartment than before he was there to begin with. How does that work?

I’ve always said that humans are really easy to spoil. I mean, we can have one good day and wonder why the next day we didn’t get what was owed to us… of course in reality it wasn’t owed to us even when the good day was happening. So I guess it’s just the case with Me and A. I’m spoiled in the two nights we spend together. And feel it unfair that I have to spend 5 without him.

On a happy note he started a new job today! It offers a small salary bump and AND AND AND!!!!! He won’t have to work nights.

Hallelujah! PRAISE THE LORD. And all other deities that deserve it!

His energy levels have been tanked while he’s been on nights. It’s both a blessing and a curse that I’m a lot to keep up with… But only a blessing if you have the energy for it  🙂 🙂 🙂 <— at least one of smilies should have horns on them.

emotional hangover

November 24, 2014

Yesterday I spent all day in pain. Not physical pain, but soul pain. At one point i was laying flat on my back on the living room floor… not even my dog would approach me it was so tangible. Where did it come from? What triggered this?

I normally consider myself pretty void of emotion. But maybe that’s not really so… I am not good at hiding what i feel. well, that’s not true either. I think I’m good at hiding anger. I’m good at hiding heart break. But when i’m sad, i look sad. I might not, probably won’t, cry in front of you… But i’m a happy, chipper person… so.. anything felt otherwise i suppose is pretty noticeable. But I’d say I normal don’t feel anything to the extreme… I definitely don’t act upon it.

I spent yesterday alone. It was a long day. I felt so much. And i don’t really know what it was. Heartbreak? Hopeless? Lonely? Bored? I think it was all of that and more. Everything hit me. I’m an emotional eater… and normally if boredom hits or sadness or stress, food is my solace. But not even that tugged at me yesterday. I’ve been working on that. Not running to food. Or at least recognizing emotional hunger versus physiological hunger. And maybe I finally hit a break through with that yesterday. Maybe it was my sub-conscious forcing me to face my emotions. To process them. Instead of stuff them down with food. Maybe yesterday was a break through. It felt messy. It felt chaotic. Maybe its going to clear up in a way that cleaning your bedroom looks way worse before it actually gets better and cleaned and organized and uncluttered. Gotta pull everything out of all the nooks and crannies to either dust it off, put it up, or throw it out… I don’t know.

But i do know I was hurting every where. deep down. all throughout. so much. And today… the residual sadness is almost consoling. What does that even mean? It feels like a companion… like its a helper. Like I’m suppose to use it for something.

Maybe its going to do nothing more than to keep me away from people today… keep me from reaching out. Force me to process this on my own.

Maybe its nothing more than hormones… and tomorrow it’ll just be gone. That sucks to think about. That our emotions are just manifestations of the wrong chemical in our body at the time… no meaning other than malfunction of the body. obviously, some people think that… its why pills for depression exists… and i’m not saying there isn’t a place in this world for that… there most certainly is… i’m just hoping there’s more to it for me.

That’s enough for now. Here’s to keeping it together today… or letting things go… we’ll see.

a few thoughts

September 30, 2014

I haven’t posted in a bit. All the topics that come to mind are so…. desperate sounding. And I don’t feel desperate.

1) I hope i can be a better wife to someone one day than I was the first go round.

2) not one day goes by that I don’t think of having someone new in my life… my love life, specifically…

3) To Tinder or not to Tinder…

4) I hate feeling so terrible at my job… but i’m new at it… so its okay to feel this way?

5) I wanna go to a bar and play “Haaaaave you met Ted?”

that’s all.

defaulting to happy

September 5, 2014

I truly believed I’d never see my peppy self again. I thought that the bitterness and anger I went through changed me forever. I’ve been walking through life for the last year in a terribly sad state. That had become my default. But the last few weeks, for no reason at all, I’m smiling. Walking to my car smiling. Sitting at my desk content with life. There’s no guy, there’s no new fun life event going on… its just me. I’ve never been so okay with me. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I even had to try to be okay with just me….. sophomore year in high school. I’m not the kind of person that needs people around all the time, and I know that helps, but lonely has been a huge struggle for me since the separation. I mean, it makes sense…. not that I was more accepting of it because it is a normal feeling through a divorce…. but at least it made sense.

It just happened all of a sudden… and it’s been here for the last 2 weeks. It’s odd timing for me too… I just basically ended a friendship. And the previous week was full of tears over losing my house. And I just detached myself from any sort of potential love interests… I don’t know if the timing is coincidence, chemicals in my brain malfunctioning, or if any of those things mentioned above positively effected me, but I’m so glad.

I went out with my best friend last night and she could see it. I’m back! I can’t express how grateful I am. It’s been rough. And I am bracing myself for the next roller coaster of emotions to sweep in… Its been up and down for sure! So I fully expect the sad to make a come back. But its so good to know that this part of me is still here. I am still me. 🙂 A slightly more jaded, baggage laden, divorced me, but i still got my pep! 

I know sadness and anger and bitterness aren’t easy things to deal with for anyone, but I kind of thought that for someone like me… the happy-by-default me… the annoyingly-peppy-girl-in-the-cube-next-door me… the trust-first me… the silver-lining me… the walking-on-the-bright-side-me… would have a harder time experiencing such contrasting emotions. I could be wrong. I’m just glad to see it wasn’t permanent. It was a real fear I had. 

a new void

August 18, 2014

Something happens in the middle of getting a divorce (and the process after, of course!). Well, a lot of somethings happen in the process of divorce. But the worst and most significant thing that happens is you lose your person. Now… I’m pretty sure a lot of us women thought that we lost our person long before we ever said the “D” word out loud…. but we really don’t get it yet. There’s a depth of losing that person that we have not even begun to understand. 

For me, It’s not til i was living on my own (separated at this time) that I truly felt something missing. I think this is when a lot of couples would actually get back together. I’m going to be doing a lot of rambling for the next couple paragraphs but bear with me. I felt something missing. Yes, i did. But i didn’t miss him. I can’t tell you how i knew that. To me it was definitely not him. but here are a few things that happened.

Self esteem nose-dive: this one I think has to do with something as simple as you no longer have the extra affirmation. You can’t just turn to your spouse before leaving the house and say “what do you think about this outfit” or “do you think this new shirt looks funny with my jeans?” or as complicated as not getting the random “you look good today, babe” or “you are having a great hair day.” Yeah, I know what you are saying… “Why on earth do you get rid of that random complimenter machine???” Trust me, I have my reasons. The fact is… we don’t even know what that is doing to our every day sanity as women. We didn’t know we neeeeeeeeeded that till it wasn’t there. Hell! we didn’t even know we were getting THAAAAT much. This is no reason to stay with him but our self-esteem is deeply tied to this. I think… total theory. My only credentials on the topic of divorce is the fact that i got one. 

you want a dog or something equally as cuddly: I’ve joked about wanting a dog being the 6th stage of grief. You just have this need to have something else that is living and breathing in the house. I do understand that those of us with kids probably skip this step? Just a theory. I WANTED TO GO TO THE SHELTER SO BAD!!!! I got online and looked at puppies on craig’s list and the local shelters daily. I went to shelters. I went to pet stores. I did end up rescuing a pup. He’s the most skittish dog you’ve ever met. He isn’t the biggest fan of people…. He is extremely picky about who he wants… sometimes… other times all you have to do is throw his toy…. He’s got issues for sure. BUT! He came potty trained, he sleeps all night. And he will be your little spoon for as long as you stay put! He’s what i call a burrower… neck first burrower. He wants to get as close to you as possible. and i think in his mind that means he wants to burrow straight through you. Sounds bad… but i swear its pretty damn cute. Except when he’s burrowing neck first into your neck with his collar in a bad position. 

Sundays are terrible!: Something about the rush and excitement of the weekend that makes Sunday evenings alone soooo damn difficult. It’s like the air conditioner stopping and you didn’t realized you liked the noise til it ended. It comes from a place so deep down that it almost hurts. A lot of the times, its the first moment i’ve sat still all weekend and i realized life sucks alone. No one signed up for this! I have this huge theory i’m sure to bring up super soon about how we aren’t meant to be alone. Some people might be offended  by this statement… but hear me out when the time comes… its at the least an interesting topic… in my biased opinion. My advice for the sunday evening blues (that have nothing to do with work the next day) – get a dog 🙂

Rebounding happens: Not much i can say on this topic that doesn’t incriminate me. We settle for Mr. Right Now on occasion because we want to feel wanted. even if its just for the night. We know this is a terrible idea… but at least its fun? Moving right along. Rebounding goes well with needing affirmation and something cuddly and feeling lonely on sunday nights. It kind of all goes with this new void that we desperately want to shake. 

Well, like i said, my only credentials on this topic is the fact that i am divorced and am currently or have gone thru these particular bullet points… (i’m sure there are tons more! If you can think of one off the top of your head please leave me a comment, I’d love to compare and embellish with you!).

That’s enough rambling for now.