Posts Tagged ‘kink’

baby girl

May 24, 2017

It hit me like ton of bricks last night… or should I say this morning. It was 3 am and what I needed hit me like a ton of bricks.

I need to be baby girl.

I need to curl up in someone’s lap and have them pet my hair and stroke my cheek and call me baby girl.

I want to collapse against daddy’s chest and know that nothing can harm me. I want a moment when I’m baby girl with no responsibility but being daddy’s good girl.

Sigh.

Here’s the thing. Life isn’t bad at all right now. There’s just a lot of stuff to do. I’m starting my own business. I’m making big decisions. I’m making things happen. I’m doing a good job. I’m forging through. One step in front of the other and it’s not that hard. It’s just a lot.

I’m catching myself self sabotaging a little. And I know now what it is. I need a moment of no decision making. I want to be broken and in a mess and just give it all up. For a few moments.

Vanilla monogamy is tough. And I was told after finding my kink passion that it would be. That sooner or later I’d miss it. That I’d crave it. And I believed them. But what i didn’t want to admit was that I might NEED it.

Do I need it? Feels like it. I know I want it. And I know I’m craving it. I know how amazing it would be to let myself play that role with someone I love and trust as daddy. It’s weird to say “play the role” when I would really be it… A little girl in need of some protection and love and attention and security.

What I wouldn’t give for a daddy dom right now.

m is back

January 13, 2017

Meanwhile…

M moved back to town. He left to take a job back home in North Carolina. He wanted to be near his brother. Who can fault him for that.

I dated m about a year and a half ago. Or should I say that’s when he broke up with me. Gah, that was hard. But he couldn’t wait to move back to NC so badly he was unwilling to continue “us”. It makes sense. But there was so much more to it in my heart than that.

His words said he didn’t want me and his actions said he did. He would list off reasons why he wasn’t good for me then show up at my door just for a hug.

He had red flags coming out the ass. He drank a lot and was in a horrible state of depression. It was hard. But there was so much more to him that drew me in. My own brand of magnet.

But it was one of those relationships you knew you were waiting on the end. It was coming. But you had to see it through. He broke my heart. He is the reason why I decided to pursue my kink instead of a relationship a year and half ago. My heart was a mess, but it left the perfect soil for my subbie/masochist to grow.

I knew he was coming back for about a month. And my brain shut down every time I thought of it. I was literally on the verge of a panic attack each time I thought of it. I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand what my body was communicating to me. I just knew that it effected me in a big way.

I would talk to m ever so often. He’d text or call. Every once in a while he’d say he missed me and wished he hadn’t let me go. I chalked it up to him being lonely or regretting the decision to leave this state. I didn’t know. I did know I couldn’t afford to believe him. For the last year and half I’ve finally decided that I was over it. I decided he really was no good for me. That him letting me go for “my own good” was just a cop out to “sorry, kid… i was just passing time.”

But when he got back to town he made his presence known in a big big way. He was back. And he wanted me. He missed me. He loved me. He never told me he loved me before. EVER. Who was this guy? He came back bearing his soul and his soul wanted me.

I wasn’t sure about any of my feelings… was confused about the borderline panic attacks until I saw him again for the first time…

velcro

June 10, 2016

mike

He wants to be my daddy. And I’d love that. He would be a good one. I know he would be. One major catch tho. He works in Tokyo and travels a shit ton. I need some skin on skin time to know whether I can have him as my daddy on a permanent basis. Could I handle being collared by someone so far off?

panman

He wants to scene me. And that is all we would be. Play partners. Him and mommy are still together and seem to be doing good I guess. I wish they would just close off their relationship and he would stop tugging at me. I want to scene with him. I just know that it’ll be more drama than its worth. I don’t want mommy mad at me. panman wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, but how can that work. Counter intuitive to this particular blog post, I’m completely monogamous when my heart is involved.

Trip

Some desperate guy that messages me randomly and I don’t know why. He says we should hang out but then never follows through. More of an annoyance actually. I think I’ll ghost him. I don’t normally do that, but he is so so random. I don’t understand how someone I don’t know at all will come at my beck and call… any time of day or night. Wish I could say I haven’t tested him on that… I don’t know him that well, but he’s handsome and nice and strong and has a good job and all this surface stuff that makes the desperation vibe feel out of place.

coach

This guy lives 2 hours away and works 1 hour away. He expects me to always do the leg work. “come see me.” Boy, please! I ain’t that desperate. Plus, if I go down there I KNOW that he’ll want me to pay for a hotel room because he lives with his brother and heaven forbid anyone know I exist. He thinks I’m an idiot. He’s the biggest mooch I’ve ever dealt with. I pretty much just keep saying no.

R

I don’t know why he isn’t jumping at me. He always says he wants to. And he never ever follows through. Normally he can’t. He works to much. But now he has fallen into a better position with more money and less hours and still… where is he? I’d love to try a relationship with him at some point. I just don’t know why he drags his feet. I suppose he could just be a huge liar. And say he wants wants wants us to happen but really could he just be too lazy or un-enthused to make it happen? I don’t get this one. I swear he says he wants me and loves me even. But I don’t know why there’s no follow through. Is he waiting on me? I feel it when we are together. Something good and solid could be here. I’m confused tho. Obviously my reading skills are off on this one. But surely that connection I feel isn’t fake. That would be hard to fabricate, right?

trey

Oh trey. Gah, you are growing on me. I haven’t seen him since Sunday and truth be told I kind of miss him.

stephen

What in the world are you doing messaging me. You live in Ohio. lol I don’t get it. Just boredom??

m

Why do you have to string me along. I had (have?) so much love for you. The what ifs… and maybe down the roads… are driving me insane. I wanted that with you… want? Last June I wouldn’t given ANYTHING to have it. And still you say let’s try in the future.

—-

I’m so jumbled up by mitch. I feel like I’m clinging and could cling to anything right now. I feel like Velcro. I could stick to anything. And things are sticking to me. And all that’s happening is I’m getting a little dirty. Sigh. My nerves feel shot. I feel all over the place. flailing. I’m sad. I just thought mitch was going to be it… now I’m in the muck again. And I’m allowing all of it to happen. I am letting myself become this girl. Some of it is fun, but mainly I’m just passing the time. I’m just covering up the hurt I feel. I’m using and being used. I know I am. I just… don’t know what else to do right now. Feels like I can’t help but go down this path…

food sex alcohol

June 6, 2016

I’m on self destruct mode. I need a handle on at least the food. R has agreed to help me with that. I always love when a Dom is going to take control for me in that department. I have no control. I still wear his marks. I’m beginning to think they are permanent.

The trickiest part of wearing his marks is maneuvering them around Trey. I’ve walked the edges of bdsm in our conversation. He knows I’m into something of the sorts. But he doesn’t know I’m an active participant right now. And even with all the honestly I’ve done I haven’t explicitly said that I might be having/had sex with someone else too.

I’m honest in the fact that I want to keep it casual while I’m living on Heartbreak avenue. But to be honest, I don’t know that I’d be interested if I wasn’t suffering right now.

He’s a great guy. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He actually makes enough money to support at least himself. He’s happy. He’s quick to compliment. I haven’t had this great of a combo in quite a while. QUITE!

Such a girl move to not be interested in the guy that would be perfect, huh?

Anyway, back to the self destruct topic. Just feeling out of control. Not sure what I need to reign it in. I guess there is a sort of cycle about the chaos… The next step in this cycle is some sort of simplification. Cut the extremities. But I’m just so sad and can get a little lonely. It’s hard to cut that off. I’m being incredibly selfish right now. Ugh. I hate when I have to go find my big girl panties.

the good kind of bruises

June 1, 2016

I

have

bruises

everywhere!

Feels like someone busted my lip. Please don’t even think about touching either earlobe. My neck feels like its been ripped apart with hands and teeth. Oh right… it was. When my thighs rub together as I walk I can feel the bite marks on both sides. My right quad is one big knot. And my ass… oh good lord.

I’m so exhausted today. It’s feels so good to bear these marks. When I have these pains and bruises I have a weird mix of wanting to show them off and terrified someone might notice one. How do you explain that one in a corporate environment. It’s not easy to list out all the physical and psychological reasons why I want this and enjoy this. I suppose saying “I’m a masochist” would suffice for most. At least it would make a few uncomfortable enough to stop prying. LOL.

And I just found another spot…. The back of my right arm. No teeth marks. Phew!! I told R I’d have to give him rules next time… nothing above the nipples. Ha. That’ll hold water.

broken

May 25, 2016

So… I’m having a hard time not covering up this pain by reaching out to someone else. Like, anyone else. I have been in communication with 5 other guys that have shown interest in me in the past… Why am I dumping all this complication on myself on top of all this heartache? Is it worth the tiny ego boost?

I’m standing on the sidelines in my mind screaming at myself to run in the other direction and yet I am completely ignoring it. I’ve already got a play date for next Tuesday with someone who is going to beat me and use the shit out of me until I can’t feel anything. I already have this set up! And it’s with someone that was (is) in love with me. How could I use someone this way? The only fair thing about all this is that I’ve told him everything. That I’m in pain and I’d like to convert that to physical pain. That I crave it. I need it’s centering effects. Worst part after him being in love with me is that me and this guy have a legitimate chance of actually being an incredible couple. We just haven’t had the timing workout in the past.

So how can I be so selfish and needy right now knowing all that? Yet… it’s on the calendar. Therefore it is.

I can’t wait. Can’t wait to be too exhausted to move. Can’t wait to feel so much that my feels shut down and I’m numb. When M broke my heart that’s what I wanted too. For someone to break my body other than my heart. And it worked. It was perfect. I invested in my kink.

Grasping at straws here. The pain is incredible and not in a good way right now. I just want to be broken. Taken to nothing so I can start my way back up to something stronger.

hobby vs life style

February 23, 2016

I’ve been called out lately on something I said to someone once. I didn’t think much about it… I’m not the kind of person to have a memory that allows me to hold on to things like others do. I say things… and it’s always in passing.

Maybe this is just an excuse. A way of not being held accountable for the things I say. But I’m still pondering it.

What I said was that kink to me was like a hobby. I can take it and leave depending on where I am in life…

Now… I am NOT in anyway down playing what kink might mean to someone else. I got offended that anyone would be offended by me saying that. Of course I believe that other people can have a different opinion and a different feeling about it. I expect the same acknowledgement. But that’s slightly besides the point…

My point is… I’ve been rethinking that. Kink… a hobby. A hobby is something that you can choose to invest time in or not. It’s not a necessity. It’s something that you get heavily involved in at one point in your life and usually tappers off. It’s something you enjoy. Something you spend money on.

So… I don’t disagree that kink can be a hobby as I stated. I think a lot of those traits are relevent when talking about kink. But, you know what? I was wrong about what it is to me. While yes, it is something that I’ve been heavily involved in and not involved in at different times in the last few years, the value to me has never diminished. I will ALWAYS put d/s in a place of utmost respect and awe and longing and craving.

Anyway… I’m still working it all out. But I’d love it to be apart of my daily life again some day. Almost need. The cravings are real and they are intense.

I use to think that it’s as simple as practicing self control. Like, how someone would consider a pint of ice cream or how one would contemplate being unfaithful to a spouse. But… I was wrong. I just don’t know exactly what to make it in my life, but it is definitely beyond a doubt more to me than just a transient hobby.

kink ties

February 4, 2016

Quite often I get the, what I call, Cold Call Add on Fetlife. This is when you get a random person requesting to be friends that you have neither a) met in real life or b) exchanged any form of communication with. I typically ignore all these. They just sit there in pending status.

Last weekend I went to a party and met several fellow kinksters. I promptly added all of them… because that’s how it works. You meet people. You like people. You stay connected with people. Pretty average in my opinion.

After adding these gals (and one guy) I noticed for the first time that the people I have in friendship limbo are mutual friends of my new friends. So, on a whim, I hit accept. I accepted 3 friend reqests right then and there for no other reason than having friends in common. In any other mood I probably wouldn’t have acted so impulsively. I’m not an impulsive person. But the deed was done and that was that. Not really that big of a deal in and of itself, in my opinion.

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER I get a message from a panman… “Heard you were packing on the Doms.” Huh? Dom packing? Is that a thing? Is that even desirable???? I didn’t realize that, yes, I indeed added 3 dom types. I barely recognized the fact that they were all male. I didn’t even go check out their profiles. I just impulsively hit accept.

Poor panman. I gave him an anxiety attack because some junior high kid decided to go tattle on me. SERIOUSLY? I didn’t even realize I was doing something tattle worthy. Not to mention, apparently I’m marked as panman’s. That part doens’t bother me. The fact that some little hater out there ran to him to alert him is my issue. I know how he feels about me. And if I was still apart of the community and single I’d be all about some panman. And I definitely understand the claim he (implicitly or explicitly – doesn’t matter in this particular rant) has on me. I just got a really bad taste in my mouth from the whole thing.

I’m glad panman approached me directly about it. I am glad he trusts me enough to believe me. Wonder who else I pissed off by doing so? Wonder who else’s view of me I tarnished by doing that. But I guess their assumptions are a reflections of their character, not mine.

Since I’ve “gone vanilla” with Andy, I question why I’m still on the site anyway. I don’t want to lose those connections is really the only argument I have. And it’s not even a good one. Because why keep this kink world on a string if I also hope to live happily ever after with Andy?

released

October 28, 2015

Things with Andy are amazing. I can’t believe how much I feel for someone so quickly.

I spoke with Sir T about my struggles about keeping them both. It was becoming harder and harder to be intimate with Sir T because it felt like that part should be saved for only Andy. I know, this is my monogamous conditioning… but it’s how I feel… And no matter how right or wrong it is on anyone’s spectrum, I have to follow my own feelings and my own “right”.

We talked about this for about a week. Going over options. Educating me a bit more on the different types of love. Giving me tools to make up my own mind. No matter the outcome of the discussions it always came down to this: Andy IS monogamous. I can’t expect him to be okay with this for too much long. Also, my goal in life is a husband and kids. How will that work with my other *hobbies*?

I was feeling like this kink part of me was becoming a selfish part of me.

After several hours of conversation Sir T released me from his reign. He released me.

😦

There is so much more to it. It’s so hard to explain this huge bond I was developing with Sir T. It feels stronger than gravity. How do you defy gravity? What have I done here? He made cry with him. He is so good at knowing what is better for me. My own way would be to leave quickly, get in my car, and sob like a baby while I drive. My car… that’s my crying space. But he kept me there… holding me while I let it out. Making sure I knew he loved me and that I knew it was okay. That he still wants to be apart of my life. Soothing my fears of him hating me for not being able to be poly.

Over the next few days I couldn’t get over the urges to check in. While I was entirely relieved that I was only committed to one man, I felt a bit on the lost side. This is so crazy. I don’t understand how I can have such a strong bond with people in such a short time. It’s as if Sir T brainwashed me in the best way. But he didn’t realize that in doing so he was the one to open me up to Andy. He was the one that put me in a place to fully walk into this new amazing relationship.

About this brainwashing… For the first time in my life I feel pretty. I feel sexy. And I don’t feel fat. Let me say that again, because I promise you didn’t feel how big that is. I don’t feel fat! Consistently. As in… I look in the mirror and my body image is becoming less and less of an issue. How and when the hell did THIS happen??? I can’t get over what Sir T has given me. I will never get over it. I will always be in amazement over it. How did he know exactly how to get me to this place? He was so much more than some kinky partner. He was my life coach. He was my protector. He was who I sought for advice. I was so open with him. And he rewarded me for it.

I’ve spoken to him since the release… and he wants to get together to talk about possible options with us and possibly continuing our relationship with different boundaries set up. Boundaries that allow me to feel faithful to Andy and still have this part of me living… I have so much to think about.

what next?

October 7, 2015

When beginning my Dom search I was heart broken from my break up from M. I didn’t have any desire to date anyone else. I didn’t have the energy. I didn’t have enough heart space for it. Definitely not enough brain space.

Investing in my kink seemed like a really good recovery maneuver. Find someone that would give me more experiences. Find more things I like. And didn’t like. Find my limits. Find out what I was capable of. So I met with a few people. Played with another. Then Sir T entered scene.

But somewhere in my search, M began to take up less and less space without me even realizing it. Then I look up one day and I’m super pumped about Andy! But… now what? My dom made it clear that he is poly. If I see someone I want or gain feelings for someone, he wouldn’t stand in the way of that. He never wants to interfere with it. But this is such a foreign idea to me.

First, I felt guilty for having done anything with Andy in the first place. I felt I had betrayed my Dom. But I didn’t. I stayed within the rules of our relationship. But I still couldn’t speak about this with him that easily.

Second, there is no way in HELL Andy would understand any of this.

Third, this Andy thing is way too early to be breaking other commitments in my life just for him, right? But is this fair to ask of him? There are two kinds of guys in this world: the kind that casually date and the kind that don’t. And I had a feeling Andy was the latter. As he well deserves commitment from someone. He was expressing a lot more feelings than someone casual. It felt way more than casual and it was JUST THE BEGINNING. It never felt casual with Andy. I never felt, as he dragged me to his truck, that he was looking for a one night stand. And a girl knows these things whether she admits it out loud or not.

Fourth, I thought this was a cross roads. I have to pick one or the other. But how do I do that at this point? But I knew that I’d have to.

So, I finally put on my big girl panties and brought it up with Sir T. I brought with me all my feelings of guilt and shame and all my tendencies that try to spare everyone’s feelings. Then something happened that I’m just not woman enough to wrap my mind around! He was happy for me. He was excited. He was…. encouraging.

Now, I knew he was poly and this still CAUGHT ME COMPLETELY OFF GUARD! I expected jealousy. I expected him to talk me out of it. I expected some sort of guilt trip. There was zero of that. Knowing about poly and experiencing it is absolutely different. It’s so freeing to be able to discuss someone you have strong feelings for with someone you are in a sexual relationship with.

After sharing my excitement I asked, “What next?” And he dove right in. He went through different scenarios that he’s been involved in. How it worked. How it failed. Different options I had. He had his Dom eyes on while coaching me through it. Those eyes that draw respect and appreciation out of me so fast that it amazes me every time.

Basically I had three options.

1) Sir T would be a ghost. We make sure we don’t leave marks. We don’t tell Andy about it. I hated this option. I was feeling way too much for him to lie to him. Lying seeps into all parts of my brain and saturates the whole relationship and completely soaks it in gasoline… the smallest spark blows it up.

2) Tell him I’m poly. Explain what this means to me: I have someone else in my life I want to keep. He can get on board or walk away. I wouldn’t open up about the kink side of my life. We would still have to worry about marks and bruising.

3) Put everything on the table. Explain about my d/s relationship and the purpose it serves in my life and why I want to keep it. Explain that it is an open relationship. And again, he chooses if he can handle being apart of that or not.

I went with option 3. And I did it while still in my big girl panties and still empowered by Sir T’s advice. I called Andy. “I have something I’d like to discuss with you, but I need three things from you before we start. I need you to listen, keep an open mind, then tell me what you need.” And I jumped in. Explaining my submissive role and my masochistic needs that Sir T satiates. I left nothing out. I couldn’t believe I was saying all this.

Andy’s response was even more incredible than Sir T’s. “I can keep an open mind. I can get on board with this.”

WHAT!?!? My heart exploded in that moment!