Posts Tagged ‘just friends’

food sex alcohol

June 6, 2016

I’m on self destruct mode. I need a handle on at least the food. R has agreed to help me with that. I always love when a Dom is going to take control for me in that department. I have no control. I still wear his marks. I’m beginning to think they are permanent.

The trickiest part of wearing his marks is maneuvering them around Trey. I’ve walked the edges of bdsm in our conversation. He knows I’m into something of the sorts. But he doesn’t know I’m an active participant right now. And even with all the honestly I’ve done I haven’t explicitly said that I might be having/had sex with someone else too.

I’m honest in the fact that I want to keep it casual while I’m living on Heartbreak avenue. But to be honest, I don’t know that I’d be interested if I wasn’t suffering right now.

He’s a great guy. He’s funny. He’s sweet. He actually makes enough money to support at least himself. He’s happy. He’s quick to compliment. I haven’t had this great of a combo in quite a while. QUITE!

Such a girl move to not be interested in the guy that would be perfect, huh?

Anyway, back to the self destruct topic. Just feeling out of control. Not sure what I need to reign it in. I guess there is a sort of cycle about the chaos… The next step in this cycle is some sort of simplification. Cut the extremities. But I’m just so sad and can get a little lonely. It’s hard to cut that off. I’m being incredibly selfish right now. Ugh. I hate when I have to go find my big girl panties.

what am i doing

May 27, 2016

I fucked up. I think. Maybe. I mean, I am probably just over thinking it.

I hooked up with trey last night. I’ve hung out with him several times since the break up. And last night we had a serious talk about expectations.

I told him I am heart broken. I’m still in love with mitch. And I’m in no way shape or form ready to date anyone in a stable capacity. That’s if I could ever date trey. I don’t know that I can. But why not? He’s funny. And he always catching me off guard with a joke. I love that. He is great company. I just don’t know that I have the feels for him like one should.

I’m just hurting right now. Maybe in the future. Who knows.

Anyway, I told him where I was. I told him I’m going to cause pain to anything in my line of fire. I just wanna use and abuse (or be used and abused). I might not have said it exactly like that. But it was clear.

He in turn let me know what he wanted. He wants long term. Stability. It was a fairly long, adult conversation. We didn’t come up with any resolutions, but everything was out on the table. I even asked him if it’s my job to have the self control and not lead him on or is telling him that I’m not looking to get involved enough to let me off the hook if we did let things escalate in the short run. I said this! Open as can be…

So naturally… we ended up making out on his couch. Then his bed. Then the clothes disappeared. I don’t know what happened. Don’t get me wrong. It was fantastic. I enjoyed it completely.

Sigh. He does not deserve to be hurt if he has legitimate feelings for me. Like I said, I’m over thinking the hell out of this.

more on mitch

March 8, 2016

We were hanging out a lot last spring and summer. He was living with his girlfriend of 3 years and they just moved about 2 miles away. We would go on bike rides. Grab beers. Hang out. He’s so fun to be around. He’s a happy guy. Great beard. So so handsome. Goofy. Up for adventrue. No, not just up for adventure. He makes the adventures happen.

I went through my blog knowing I’d written about him last summer, but alas, I did not. I don’t know how he slipped through the cracks. But of course when me and M broke up in June(ish?) and I was not particularly excited about men in general. Plus, he had a live in girlfriend so to me it was all on the up and up…. for the most part.

He made it clear that he liked me. But… I was distracted enough with the on-again-off-again pattern me and M had that I could easily say, “Sorry, I’ve been on both sides of the infidelity train and I promise you don’t want to do that.” So we continued as friends. Easy as that.

Then, late last summer he announces that he and his girlfriend had broken up. Now, I already knew that he had been debating this a long time. He had been teetering on this trigger for a solid year. I couldn’t believe someone that complacent would just kind of let the time go by. He was busy with school. They lived together. It was easy. They didn’t not get along… he just knew that she wasn’t the one. So when she started talking engagement and wedding he knew it was time I guess. Too bad he couldn’t have done that sooner for her sake, but such as life sometimes.

Anyway, when he was single, then I was single we increased our hang outs. We still didn’t cross any lines, and honestly this confused me. But I wasn’t going to push a damn thing. I had just found Sir T. So, it was a hell of a lot easier for me to not cross into the gray area with him because I didn’t want to have to ask permission for anything. Total sub move, right?! And mitch seemed satisfied with our friendship.

Anyway, before he disappeared to his new girlfriend and I disappeared to my boyfriend… we managed a make out session. Great kisser. But that is where we left it.

Anyway, we are going to a concert tonight. I’m pretty excited to see him. I haven’t seen him since September. And last night I had a dream that me and him went drinking and passed out on my couch. It was fun in my dream! Maybe we’ll make that happen tonight. 😀

Again, I know. I’m in a situation where  I know I don’t want to cheat on Andy, but I’m playing with fire. Will this be the rest of my life? I’m not trying to lie to myself about the situation. I’m happy to be hanging out with my friend tonight. And we’ll see what happens. But the goal is to keep up those boundaries. He knows about Andy, and he hasn’t pushed the lines so far. I don’t get worried about this till I start typing about it… I’m over thinking this.


March 7, 2016

I have a friend that disappears on me when he is dating someone. I mean, disappears. Ignores me. Gone. Doesn’t exist. Then the second he is single he calls me. Not just text. He wants to hang out. Talk on the phone. He just out of the blue texted me yesterday morning for the first time in 6 months.

I am a very forgiving, understanding, no grudge holding, non-judgmental friend. And I know that that is a recipe for being bull dozed.

And If I think about it, I can get a little angry about the last few interactions we had. Very short and cold and no explanation. In fact, I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. I thought he just stopped wanting to be my friend.

This has happened before with him. He just kind of drops off the planet. he doesn’t warn you. He doesn’t try to explain anything.

I talked to him for an hour yesterday. He’s immediately my best friend again. Text messages last night and this morning.

I can’t help but think maybe I’m doing this friendship thing wrong.

I really don’t feel that mad at him. I just know that I should be a little perturbed. It’s easy for me to shake off tho. I just hate losing people.

I just lost panman, so I’m happy to have this guy back… I just wish it wasn’t so easy for people to leave.


March 4, 2016

Me and trey met at an event at my apartment complex. It was a free drink night. It was the first event I attended at my apartment complex. The first event that offered free booze. Not a coincidence. Me and josh decided to go together since it’s one of those potentially awkward things that make it hard for singles to show up anywhere.

While we are there I notice a guy working the crowd. It’s a mix and mingle event. By design there’s a game set up to spark the conversation. And while I do the bare minimum to interact with anyone but josh, this guy is working in a full conversation with each person he approaches. I’m impressed.

At one point he comes over to me and josh and I reach out and start making conversation. We just stand around and drink for the next thirty minutes. Turns out he works in politics. So immediately I’m impressed less by his communication skills. What a tease. Oh well. Still pleasant enough to talk to. Even funny at times.

Before we leave he gets my number. Now… I have made the appropriate references to my BOYFRIEND so he gets the picture. This makes me feel slightly more comfortable about giving my number out but really it just caught me too off guard to know what else to do. He hands me his phone and I immediately look at josh for direction. He offers nothing. Bastard. I enter my number because I’m not in the habit of embarrassing people in public.

Before I get home I have a text from him saying how much fun I was and how much fun he had talking. He’s GUSHING. Now, I’m not above flattery. I like when I catch someone’s attention. I appreciate being appreciated more than the typical gal.

Any way, over the next few weeks we text minimally. He asks to hang out. I iterate the fact that I have a boyfriend and boundaries should be kept accordingly.

Earlier this week he invites me to a comedy show and I give him a non-commit ‘maybe’. Turns out a few of my other friends will be there so I tell him finitely I’ll go early yesterday. He said he’ll swing by and pick me up at 7:45. ‘Okay.’

At 7:43 I decide to put some pants on. I throw on a tank top and a light zip up jacket I don’t intend on taking off. I walk out at 7:45 on the dot. He pulls up at 7:46. I hop in his SUV.

He’s in a blazer. :\ This is a super casual venue. I mean… like, you could wear sweat pants unnoticed. He immediately says, “You look nice tonight.” What script is he reading from? “A blazer?” I try to keep the judgement out of my intonation. He tries to say that he was under dressed for a meeting earlier that day so he felt the jacket evened the playing field. Okay…. but how much effort does it take to take a blazer off? Like, while you are driving?

It feels immediately awkward. More than first date awkward. Because, HELLO!?!? I didn’t get the memo that I was going on a date that night!

We are standing in line at the bar and he loudly announces the first round is on him. I still don’t get why he made it such a big deal. “Okay…” and I lean into the cashier to place my beer order more discreetly than his announcement… I think I was trying to climb under a rock in the same moment.

I hear someone say my name from behind me and it’s Hannah! One of my best friends. I throw my arms around her as the relief washes over me. Mid-hug I realize this is not something me and Hannah do. She is looking at me funny. But she picks up what I’m putting down as soon as she glances to my right and notices the dude in a blazer. She laughs. I can’t help but laugh too. I’M SO FRIGGIN RELIEVED TO HAVE HER THERE! So we all go sit… and I try desperately to diffuse the date vibe sitting with Hannah and making him pull a chair up to us. I know, it sounds rude, but I was feeling like I was drowning.

Anyway… fast forward and he is dropping me off… I hop out of the vehicle waving and yelling thanks as I bolt up to the second floor. Of course I am immediately greeted by text message before I can unlock my door that he had a great night with me. He does that… adds the “with you.” As if I didn’t quite understand that he specifically only had fun with me…  Yeesh.

Only *I* could accidentally go on a date. Gah!

just friends

January 12, 2016

Friends…. Just friends….

Hold tight while I try to justify my friendship with PanMan

I know what you’re thinking… if that is something I am tring to justify then there might already be an issue. The fact that I need it (over) qualified… or maybe I’m protesting too much??? Let me humor myself, k?

a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Hm… that has the word sexual in it. Let’s skip over real quick.

synonyms: companion, soul mate, intimate, confidante, confidant, familiar, alter ego, second self, playmate

…this is NOT helping!

a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

What? um… lets check the verb form.

add (someone) to a list of contacts associated with a social networking website.

THERE! See… we are JUST friends. 🙂

Okay okay okay… Let’s do “FRIENDSHIP”.

the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.
synonyms: relationship, close relationship, attachment, mutual attachment, association, bond, tie, link, union; informalbromance.

haha Who is in charge of this? I’ll try this again later.

boy B… thoughtful?

July 31, 2015

Who’s boy B? quick catchup here.

Boy B picked up girl.

Girl was surprisingly happy to see boy B.

Boy B took her to her “surprise that was sure to relax” her.

We pull up to a massage parlor!!! Massages are one of my favorite things. I love being touched. I love massages. I love everything about them. I’m excited. We go in and fill out the first time form and sit in the lobby waiting area.

Little Asian woman comes out and motions to us. “Me?” I say as I point to my chest. “Or him?” I point to boy B. She nods enthusiastically and motions for both of us to come. “Room 6.” I’m thoroughly confused at this point. But I follow her because somewhere around that corner I’m getting a massage! I walk into Room 6. 2 beds. No partitions. COUPLE’S MASSAGE?!?!?! I can’t help but laugh. I’m almost doubled over laughing.

Boy B that claims he can handle being just friends has scheduled a couple’s massage with girl.

He pokes his head in… clearly embarrassed… feigning cluelessness. Now, I don’t know if he meant to do this or not… he says he didn’t but I only believe him not at all. My hesitation on the logistics of it all didn’t last long.

I mean, hey, my FRIEND is buying me a massage! Fuck it. I take my shirt off. Remove my jeans. Lie face down and wait. I’m enjoying this regardless of any other naked body in the room.

So… if he was truly unaware of the “couples” part of the massage then this was extremely thoughtful. He knows I’ve been stressed and sad and it DEFINITELY cheered me up.

But… I mean, really how unaware was he? I’ll never know. Slick way to get me naked tho. And damn, that Asian woman knew what she was doing.

Happy Friday!

boy A, boy B, girl

July 30, 2015

Girl is getting over boy A.

Boy B wants to date girl.

Girl tells boy B that she is hung up and recovering from boy A.

Boy B says that’s okay. “I want to be your friend.”

Girl says okay. “But I’m serious about not being able to give more than that.”

Boy B is good with this. Boy B says he is good with this.

Girl is sad. Girl misses boy A. Girl has made boundaries clear to boy B.

Is it wrong for girl to take advantage? Is it taking advantage of boy B if he is aware of all the facts and all the feelings? Or is it girl’s responsibility to save boy B from inevitable heart ache because his feeling are clear.

And is boy B just using a manipulation tactic? Does boy B truly plan on being just friends? Is boy B taking advantage of girl?

Girl has no energy to argue with persistent boy B. She agrees to hang out with boy B.

Girl feels guilty for accepting. Now girl is sad about boy A and feeling guilt over boy B.

just friends

July 27, 2015

So… a few months back I brought an ultimatum to the table with him (the guy that just broke up with me). I told him that I didn’t want to do what we were doing without commitment. That I 100% done with him unless he offered commitment. He was being wishy washy with what we were. I was getting too deep into the feels to make this work and feel good about it. It was beginning to hurt. Self preservation kicked in.

To my surprise he said yes. “Let’s try it.” After a month of bliss (in my opinion – it was apparently the wrong opinion) he broke it off.

I know. A relationship shouldn’t be the result of an ultimatum… and I can’t believe I did that. I mean, I was hurt. I needed to be very clear with him. Anyway… in retrospect it was the wrong move.

He wants to be friends. He doesn’t want to lose my friendship… which I find out now is why he even gave it a shot in the first place. I should be flattered? He’d rather be forced to being a couple than lose me? bleh. Wrong on so many levels. When did I become such a crazy girl?

That’s probably a sign in itself that it wasn’t a good match. But of course, I’m still hurting from it all. Feels deep. Most moments are fine… then I can’t open the pickle jar and I lose it. <— girl moment.

He invited me over on Saturday to hang out with him and his roommate. I went. Try this friend thing. Felt only right. I made him try to be my boyfriend, the least I can do is try being his friend. Found out it’s way too soon for that. It didn’t last long before I claimed exhaustion and went home. Not yet. Later… like, a few months from now.

I stayed active this weekend. Sweat therapy is my favorite. Sun, hot sun, soooo muggy, and a view of the river… The Arkansas River Trail in Little Rock really is something. It’s beautiful to bike or to run. Too hot for me to feel good running in, but perfect for biking. I feel lucky to live right on it!

Here’s to hoping this Monday goes quickly!

bro’ing out

August 21, 2014

I have a friend that insists on me being his workout buddy. He calls me things like brah, brosef, broham, and my favorite, turd. Maybe he doesn’t realize I’m a girl? Maybe he uses this for every one – male or female? 

I’ve finally accepted this from him. We went fishing the other night. Did not realize fishing in the dark existed outside of country songs. It was pretty fun. We grabbed a six pack and headed to the park. Just a couple of bros broing out. (Except for the random post midnight run to mcdonalds for ice cream – do guys do this in bromances?)

He doesn’t seem interested in anything other than being friends, which is perfectly fine in my book. But i guess as a woman i always wonder what the “end-game” is. I always judge motivations of people tho. But really, an end game doesn’t have to be malicious. He could very well just be looking for work out partner, that he also likes to hang out with on a Friday night playing his guitar or hang out on Saturdays fishing in the dark. right? 

I personally have always held the belief that guys and girls can be just friends… of course, I have no proof of this or any long lasting relationships that prove my belief to be true… plenty that prove otherwise! But recently i’ve befriended a few guys and for all intents and purposes it appears that it is a true blue friendship. No line crossings. No gray areas. But I’ve had that before and was completely blind sided by a declaration of love. I’m not going to over think it. Nor will I be the one to disprove it….

Just rambling. Can I trouble you for a few thoughts on the topic?