Posts Tagged ‘hope’

lets look

August 12, 2016

I want to look back today. I want to examine. Analyze. Think think think on recent past. I want to dive into it!

Why? I’m not sure. To look for some science in it all. Explanations. Causation? I don’t know. But I feel strong today (after a few very tearful/hormonal days).

How far back? Let me see.

R. You never loved me. I’m not sure why you told me that. What were you really feeling? I think that maybe in the moments of “what if” and “maybe” its easy to sink into the best feelings. Humans, for some reason against all evidence and outcomes and past experiences, are hopeful. Hope. It’s not rational. But ironically it does keep us sane. I find that fascinating. But I digress.

M. It WAS about sex, huh? Man! I would’ve bet my life against that one. I truly thought you were just damaged and needed some guidance to prove otherwise. That was silly of me. This took me A FULL YEAR AFTER THE BREAKUP to realize it. Time does heal some things. Gah. This one really does feel good to come to terms with. I spent so much energy trying to figure this out thru the entire thing. Deciphering meanings from words and actions and the way the words and actions didn’t match. Some times its confusing because we want the opposite of what we are hearing but really it’s that simple. It’s just that we chose to cover our ears and disregard our gut. Our hearts are bigger than our brains. We think if we just feel enough we can over power what is actually going on. Willing everything into love and happily ever after.

Andy. What happened? I jumped too soon. Way way way way too soon. I saw a glimpse of something I LOVED! And then failed to re-evaluate as I went. I just pushed on chasing that glimpse. But that light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t at all what I thought. Andy stopped putting effort into the whole thing about 5 minutes in… I bathed in those 5 minutes. Then I bottled up that feeling and went back to it every time reality fell short. Why was this okay with me at the time? But again, I had that darn hope that makes no sense to have. Hope that those first 5 minutes would be my reality again and again with him. It wasn’t going to happen.

Mitch. Holy fuck you ruined my existence. Still. I’m still spinning. I wanted all of you forever. You never let me down. Until you walked away. You didn’t want this. And you left this. It came on sudden and it ended sudden. Easy come easy go? Not sure easy is the word I’d use tho. This guy caused more baggage than my divorce. I will forever not trust the words of someone that speaks so passionately and with such enthusiasm… SHARED enthusiasm. Still spinning. The things I felt here… felt like forever. For the first time I felt forever. Spinning.

Not much analysis there I suppose. But so many thoughts. So many feelings. So many open ended questions. No closure here. The only hope (there’s that word again) is that time will turn this into something other than a ‘what if’ and ‘the one that got away’.

I think I’ve decided that once he turned my world upside down… I’m not sitting here waiting on the world to turn right side up again. I can only re learn how to navigate with gravity pulling in the opposite direction. I’m learning.

I guess if we are using the world flipping analogy that I’m grateful its a sphere… hey looky there. Gravity is pulling in the same direction as it was before. Maybe it’s not too bad after all, huh? Sigh… And we were always spinning.

Discarded. Mitch, you gave me my new biggest fear in life. You discarded me. It’s way worse than rejected. Who knew?

Trey. I’m just so sorry I did that to you. I did things to you that guys have done to me and I hate that I might have left you feeling the way they’ve made me feel. I’m sorry. There were moments I really did what us… but ultimately its the picture I wanted. You just filled in my gap of pain… You didn’t fit perfectly but I selfishly kept you there to help appease my broken heart. It just wasn’t right. And no excuse is good enough. It was shitty. I was shitty.

This post felt like healing. It feels good. Not everything in it is good obviously. But this one felt good to get out of my finger tips.

2016: take two

January 15, 2016

I’ve been holding back in my writings lately. Recently my anonymity was broken. The things I have written about haven’t been censored, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t cherry picking the easier topics from my life line up. I hate that being known effects this blog at all. And I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately.

In my writings, I am vulnerable. This blog is me stripped naked for the world and the only way I’m strong enough for that, the only way I’m not terrified about that, is because no one knows who I am. No one knew. I think we are all better at opening up to strangers than to our family members and friends. That’s the point of anonymous blogs. We get to do this living out loud thing and no one can really judge us. Or at least not judge us in a way that can petrify us.

When I write I water down the emotions with humor, and I like doing that. It’s my voice. It’s how I deal with things. But no matter how goofy it all may seem, I pour everything into these writings. Each one makes up my inner most self. If you took all my posts and fit them together that is who I am. Anyone reading these blogs would know me better than all the people I see on a daily basis. It’s a pretty clear picture I think.

Vulnerability isn’t a bad thing. It’s like being “too nice”, it was NEVER suppose to be a bad thing. But that is what society makes it. Society kind of forces it to be faults. If you are too nice people will use you and you’ll become a push over. If you are too vulnerable then all those insecurities and faults will be exploited. But those negative characteristics are what makes us better humans. Better friends. Better listeners. Better helpers. It is in those negative moments that we are made stronger because knowing who we are, knowing our weak links, prepares us for life.

I’m not sure why, but my last few weeks have been hard. I can’t seem to get into the swing of 2016. I’ve been backsliding in all the strides I made in 2015.

I’m no stranger to backsliding, and after reading some of my fellow bloggers’ blogs lately, I’m not alone. We’ve all had a hard go of it lately. Whether it be overcoming food, fears, bad habits, relationships, over exercise, self doubt, or sadness. Everyone has the same words right now. We failed. But we won’t quit.

Hope is one of those weird, counter intuitive human things. Even without proof we hope. Hope and faith, we cling to them, but the very definition makes it irrational to do so. To hope or have faith means its something you put stock into despite all other previous outcomes. We still expect that one day our perfect outcome will happen. Our time will come. We’ll finally get it right. Thank goodness for hope and faith, right? Because the only proof is we haven’t over come our demons yet.

I say we all get up, dust ourselves off, and start this year over. Who’s with me?

weighed and measured

September 3, 2014

One of the worst things I felt with my husband, er… ex husband… was the feeling of being judged constantly. Now, I realize as a woman we make things up all the time. Our crazy female logic has us over thinking in so many different circles we can’t see clearly through the dizziness. But regardless of whether this was something I made up in my head or something that he actually did, I felt it. If i feel it, it is real to me. What else makes up our reality except our possessions and feelings? It’s really all we have. 

I felt so judged I suppressed who I really was. I hid myself from him in fear he’d hate it. And judge it more harshly. I’ve had friends that made me feel this way too. I thought it was just something that came out of my own imagination… I excused it and tried, unsuccessfully, to ignore it. Hiding yourself does so many negative things to you… to you, your personality, your happiness, your sanity… It effects every part of our lives. 

The thing about feeling judged is that you never feel good enough if you are feeling judged at all. Have you noticed that? It’s never a good thing. You are weighed and measured and found wanting… You are never found perfect. EVER. It’s a feeling that easily engulfs you with a bad taste for yourself. 

Since I’ve been divorced I’ve met several new people… guys generally, that I don’t feel that way with. And I like it! It felt so tangibly different I was taken aback with surprise. I still can’t get over the difference. Now, none of these guys are “the one” but they made me realize that it is definitely something i’m not willing to settle or compromise on in the future. And that excites me! 

That’s all the rambling I have for now. 🙂 thanks for reading. 

hope

August 27, 2014

So there’s this odd random feeling that keeps hitting me over and over again throughout the day lately. It’s a mixture of anxiety and excitement… It’s almost overwhelming at times. The first time I felt it I thought i was having a panic attack. But i recognized the feeling as not all bad. It feels as if something is right around the corner. Something is about to happen. Something is brewing. Something BIG! 

I kind of have this theory on ESP…. I feel like everyone falls on a spectrum of it. But I think most of us land on the millisecond side of the spectrum…. So basically none at all. While others maybe have more of a gift for it. I don’t know. Call me crazy for this one. I do realize it’s a stretch. But this is the weirdest and strongest feeling.

Maybe its just stress manifesting itself… I haven’t been able to sleep… so maybe its even just a sign of sleep deprivation, but it won’t go away. It’ll hit me in waves and then it’ll go. but its becoming more and more… whats the word… constant… i think. 

I’ve decided that it’s hope. But a really strong urgent hope. Wonder if I’m just kind of needing sleep or if something will (unexpectedly) pop up. Or maybe I’m becoming a little desperate in the lonely department… maybe this is just a coping mechanism… but i kind of like it.