Posts Tagged ‘heartache’

feels

July 30, 2016

I have too many. A mistake has been made. I’ve been allotted more than my share. I must have taken someone else’s. They are sitting there… all hard to the world… feeling nothing. Do I envy them?  I don’t know. I mean… Normally I feel like this is a gift. But all the feelings are hurting me right now. Like an open attack on my heart. On my mind. On that stupid spot on my forearm…

Must be a mistake.

Advertisements

week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

mess

July 21, 2016

I feel like I’ve made such a mess for myself that I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to fix it. To fix me. I feel so guarded right now.

I’ve never even tried being guarded before. I’ve always been so open to what the universe has for me. And right now I’m nothing but emergency break and quick getaway cars.

I’m a mess. A big broken mess.

firsts w/ trey part I

July 5, 2016

I decided to date trey exclusively. Also, I hadn’t exactly started the celibacy thing. and both those sentences are fully dependent upon each other….

I don’t know why but I’ve been extremely stingy with my words with trey. I don’t know why I’m so afraid to admit my feelings for him. And I think it’s mainly because I haven’t figured them out exactly yet.

It all started out in a way that I could’ve taken or left. He made an impression, but I had other things going on.

When all the other things dropped off he surfaced.

I could count on him. He may have filled in some sort of rebound gap, but there was definitely more. Definitely more, yet, I was still (still am) so so so so sad and lost over mitch.

And when I decided to date trey exclusively… i didn’t exactly tell him. I just kind of did. It kind of happened quickly… In my mind at least. Not sure how it felt to him. I found it difficult to tell him the depth i was being sucked in because I didn’t want him getting in any deeper. I didn’t want it to go too fast. I didn’t want him to rely on me and my feelings because I just felt so lost still.

He didn’t take my celibacy thoughts well. He hated it. And yeah, he’s a guy. I get it. Sex. Big deal. But he didn’t take it well at all. He thought it was a tactic to get rid of him. Or at least that was the excuse he used to blow up about it. I didn’t like thinking about the fact that I took sex off the table and he got mad. So I kind of pushed my start date. I kept thinking i’ll see how this goes – decide later.

We had our official first date this past weekend. I opened up a little bit about my celibacy thoughts. Kind of being tired of being used by people who don’t even realize thats what they are doing. I kind of viewed it at almost a test for trey. If he stuck around then he passed my test. If he still hung out with me with the same enthusiasm then he passes. I hate when I’m tested, but this felt worth it…. All I know is that the first few months with last past few guys were amazing. Then completely fell off the grid. Awful. Future bubbles busted so hard. It makes my world stop every time. And after mitch i just can’t handle that this soon.

So our first date. A ton of fun. An exhibit at a local museum. Then we went beer crawling. One of my favorite things. And at the local breweries. I ABSOLUTELY love doing that sort of thing with great company. GREAT DAY.

So we came back to our apartment complex (remember he lives here too) and we both took our dogs out and met back at my place. We locked the pup out of my bedroom and continued the night. Fun times as always. This was the first time he was staying over. A night full of firsts for us.

Maybe this was actually going somewhere…