Posts Tagged ‘healing’

lets look

August 12, 2016

I want to look back today. I want to examine. Analyze. Think think think on recent past. I want to dive into it!

Why? I’m not sure. To look for some science in it all. Explanations. Causation? I don’t know. But I feel strong today (after a few very tearful/hormonal days).

How far back? Let me see.

R. You never loved me. I’m not sure why you told me that. What were you really feeling? I think that maybe in the moments of “what if” and “maybe” its easy to sink into the best feelings. Humans, for some reason against all evidence and outcomes and past experiences, are hopeful. Hope. It’s not rational. But ironically it does keep us sane. I find that fascinating. But I digress.

M. It WAS about sex, huh? Man! I would’ve bet my life against that one. I truly thought you were just damaged and needed some guidance to prove otherwise. That was silly of me. This took me A FULL YEAR AFTER THE BREAKUP to realize it. Time does heal some things. Gah. This one really does feel good to come to terms with. I spent so much energy trying to figure this out thru the entire thing. Deciphering meanings from words and actions and the way the words and actions didn’t match. Some times its confusing because we want the opposite of what we are hearing but really it’s that simple. It’s just that we chose to cover our ears and disregard our gut. Our hearts are bigger than our brains. We think if we just feel enough we can over power what is actually going on. Willing everything into love and happily ever after.

Andy. What happened? I jumped too soon. Way way way way too soon. I saw a glimpse of something I LOVED! And then failed to re-evaluate as I went. I just pushed on chasing that glimpse. But that light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t at all what I thought. Andy stopped putting effort into the whole thing about 5 minutes in… I bathed in those 5 minutes. Then I bottled up that feeling and went back to it every time reality fell short. Why was this okay with me at the time? But again, I had that darn hope that makes no sense to have. Hope that those first 5 minutes would be my reality again and again with him. It wasn’t going to happen.

Mitch. Holy fuck you ruined my existence. Still. I’m still spinning. I wanted all of you forever. You never let me down. Until you walked away. You didn’t want this. And you left this. It came on sudden and it ended sudden. Easy come easy go? Not sure easy is the word I’d use tho. This guy caused more baggage than my divorce. I will forever not trust the words of someone that speaks so passionately and with such enthusiasm… SHARED enthusiasm. Still spinning. The things I felt here… felt like forever. For the first time I felt forever. Spinning.

Not much analysis there I suppose. But so many thoughts. So many feelings. So many open ended questions. No closure here. The only hope (there’s that word again) is that time will turn this into something other than a ‘what if’ and ‘the one that got away’.

I think I’ve decided that once he turned my world upside down… I’m not sitting here waiting on the world to turn right side up again. I can only re learn how to navigate with gravity pulling in the opposite direction. I’m learning.

I guess if we are using the world flipping analogy that I’m grateful its a sphere… hey looky there. Gravity is pulling in the same direction as it was before. Maybe it’s not too bad after all, huh? Sigh… And we were always spinning.

Discarded. Mitch, you gave me my new biggest fear in life. You discarded me. It’s way worse than rejected. Who knew?

Trey. I’m just so sorry I did that to you. I did things to you that guys have done to me and I hate that I might have left you feeling the way they’ve made me feel. I’m sorry. There were moments I really did what us… but ultimately its the picture I wanted. You just filled in my gap of pain… You didn’t fit perfectly but I selfishly kept you there to help appease my broken heart. It just wasn’t right. And no excuse is good enough. It was shitty. I was shitty.

This post felt like healing. It feels good. Not everything in it is good obviously. But this one felt good to get out of my finger tips.

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week 1

July 26, 2016

I keep getting that feeling in my forearms today. That rejected feeling. It kind of moves in a swirling pattern. I don’t know why my emotions can’t recover. They just plain can’t. I have great moments. Moments I don’t think about the sadness. And moments where I’m enjoying the now and the people around me. But this cloud is hovering still.

I’m starting a new weight loss journey today. Something a bit more focused than the moderation i’ve been doing lately. I mean, i’ve been doing moderate extremely well. I was very forgiving of myself. I had pizza and cheese dip and beer. But i’d also prep food for several days of clean eating.

I need more tho. It’s not enough. It’s time to get to my goal. It truly is. I’ve spent 7 years now sitting in a better position and in better health than previously but it’s time to take it all the way. Take it to the ideal. To my ideal.

I’ve come into an interesting situation. I have a person in my life that has seen my struggle for years. My day to day battle with emotional eating and working out a shit ton. And always coming up even. They have made me an offer I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE.

If I front $200 then in 17 weeks time if I lose 30 pounds I will receive $1000. I think it’s brilliant. I need to lose 1.8 pounds per week to do this. I have to be consistent for 3 full months. I’m dreading all those binge-ful moments where I have to confront so many demons versus literally stuffing them down with food. I’m scared that this motivation won’t be enough. I’m scared.

But I think if I remain patient with myself while also having a sense of urgency with each food decision I make then I can do this. If I don’t do it this time then I can’t see myself ever doing it. I work really hard to always go backwards. Really hard. It’s quite depressing what I could’ve accomplished with all that effort without the backsliding.

I’m going to try to do this. Week 1 starts today. Each Monday in my calendar has a new number that I should weigh that day if I want to stay on track. My hope is that the beginning goes a bit quicker than the pace I’ve set out so that towards the end, when I’m down to those vanity pounds, I can put the same kind of effort in with enough results to make it.

So while I’m really sad and feeling very refected today by the world I’m also hopeful. I’m also grateful for a focus. Let’s see what happens.

7/26/16 167.8lbs

the decision

July 13, 2016

I don’t know why I’m linking my sexual freedom and my broken heart.

Maybe its the logical connection tho.

I feel like if I can control one it might take the edge off the other. I’m still in so much pain. My constant state of being is being broken. My heart is aching all the time. Sometimes its a subtle throb and other times I physically have to stop and catch my breath while holding back tears.

So… Celibacy. 4 months. Let’s hope it’s the road to some healing. Or in the least help me find a better pattern… Find a better MO when it comes to dating and finding someone to spend my life with.

I don’t feel pathetic making that a goal in life. It’s very human. That constant search for my other half. It’s instinctual. I do hope to have peace about it tho. I hope it becomes somewhat less nagging in my heart and brain (and ovaries).

It’s not like it’s my only goal in life. But I won’t deny it’s HUGE! I’m okay with that. But peace would be good. Less pain would be great.

Let’s see what happens here.

mirror therapy

February 15, 2016

I have this big-ass mirror in my living room…. it’s just propped up on the biggest empty wall in my apartment. I knew that I wanted the mirror when I got my divorce, but turns out a small 1 bedroom apartment doesn’t accommodate such large items. But I couldn’t lose my ability to see my hair and shoes in the same frame – a girl needs these things. So it just sits there. As soon as I enter my apartment it greets me, sometimes before my dog does. I walk by it several times a day.

Some days this isn’t an easy thing to live with. But sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised by my reflection. I started to wonder if it was becoming detrimental to my self image recently. But one day I had a revelation…

I took off my clothes and sat right there in the middle of my living room in front of my big-ass mirror – as I affectionately call it.

At first I zoned in on my “problem areas”. Hate. hate. hate. I suck. I’m ugly. I can’t fix it. I’ve tried. Ain’t never gonna happen. My obsession is in my mid section. I have this huge inner tube that I swear is the first and only thing that anyone can possibly notice. If they somehow do get past that I’ve got this red birthmark on my right cheek. No, I am not over heated; no, I do not have Rosacea; no, (this one is my favorite) I did not get punched; and no, I am not effing blushing! Thank you!

I continued to sit. And look.

I don’t know how long it took, but I started to separate from the image in the mirror. I became a third party spectator. And you know what? Nothing was that bad. In fact, there were a lot of redeeming qualities there. I have great legs on anyone’s standards. Thick thighs… well, that doesn’t seem too un-sexy… I can totally see how they’d be preferable. That mid section…. it’s not THAT gigantic. It’s not… the only thing that exists in this image. And holy shit, I have great complexion. Every other inch of my face is porcelain-like… I mean… pale? Maybe – but not in a sick way. Could I use some sun? Always. But, the complexion is undeniably enviable.

I reached for my phone. I know, I know, In this day and age reaching for a camera is nothing special. But for me to even humor the idea of a naked picture?! And I don’t mean a pic you take to send to someone that asks or anything to do with sexuality in any form, but a pic just to admire yourself….? That’s different. Now, I’m not saying I took the pics, admired, saved, and shared. No, I didn’t even save them. I looked. I did admire. I liked what I saw. It wasn’t ugly. I didn’t stop at the terrible spots on my body and dwell. I simply looked and didn’t hate myself! I more than didn’t hate it. I was more than accepting of it. I liked it. It was a positive feeling. Not just neutral!

I wish I could say that I left that moment and I was cured of wherever I normally land on the body dysmorphic disorder spectrum… No, I left that moment and it didn’t take long for my insecurities to come rushing back. The self doubt, the self hate, the self dwelling on “bad” body parts. But…

Mirror Therapy. I’m making it a thing. I’m going to track the long term effects. I’m going to see if I can take those moments of clarity and see if I can’t transcend them to my every day ideas of myself for longer and longer periods of time.