Posts Tagged ‘happy’

a clean break

March 17, 2016

I haven’t heard from A since the break up phone call last Sunday. Nothing. The phone call went smoothly. A break up phone call should never be labeled “smooth”, right? He didn’t argue. He apologized and let me go.

It’s hard for me not to think that maybe he wanted me to do it. But I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. I’m not sitting over here overthinking my decision. In fact, the very fact that I haven’t heard from him only solidifies my decision even more.

I’m not sad. I don’t miss him. I guess my heart knew it was coming. My head is running the show and I’m not experiencing any hiccup. Monday I was a little blue. But by Tuesday I was… normal.

In fact, I’m quite centered this week. I’ve had a few really good workouts. My eating has been quite under control. No binges. No mind consuming, urgent cravings that I have to satiate.

The weather has been amazing this week. I can’t wait to get my road bike out and hit the trail tomorrow! I think mitch is coming. ๐Ÿ™‚

I feel good about me. All week I’ve quite enjoy what I look at in the mirror. It’s a weird consistent loving of myself that I haven’t experienced often in my lifetime. 4 days of positive self thought?! Unimaginable!

My workouts have been GREAT! I am back in the full swing of crossfit after being disengaged from it for a full year. I love lifting heavy weights and feeling confident with the barbell. I workout with a lot of newbies and while I’m not where I was when I quit, I’m still ahead of them. But only in confidence. I mean, do I have more on the bar than them? Yes. But it isn’t their strength in the way. They’ll get there! I got there. I really really enjoy coaching them in the gym. I know I’m not certified or whatever, but I can offer tiny ques that help A LOT. It’s awesome seeing that light bulb go off for some! I love that!

You know what’s funny? I’m not over thinking the fact that he hasn’t reached out. I’m over thinking the fact that I’m so dang happy this week! How long was I needing to end this?! When was when? I didn’t see it I guess. I know that I almost did it several weeks back, but I wonder when it stopped being fun and started hurting my confidence. I truly didn’t feel like he wanted me nor did he offer up any evidence that I was priority in his life. Gosh, that is awful! Even tho it would’ve been nice to feel fought for I like what a clean break perspective can offer.

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April 4, 2015

Last night I was on my way to a baseball game.

Rewind for a sec: I’ve spent the last few weeks in some sort of funk. And really I get a little mad at times where I’m in a funk and it isn’t hormone related… I mean seriously? I am going to have at least 2 days a month that I am check-myself-into-a-mental-hospital depressed just because I was born a woman. Don’t get me started on how unfair this is. ANYWAY! I’ve been truly sad. The stressors of life were getting to me, and I couldn’t do my normal shake-if-off impression of Taylor Swift that I am normally a professional at. And not in a bottle-it-up sort of way but in a real way. A way that I can move on from a moment or situation with ease. No skin off my back. All is forgiven. It’s over and I won’t think about it again. I couldn’t get to the bottom of my sadness even tho I could definitely pinpoint a few building blocks.

Side note for a sec: I’m in the process of formulating an opinion one way or another that sad and happy are just a chemical reaction in our heads. I know that scientifically this is true… but is it the chicken or the egg? Are we sad because that is our reaction or are we sad because of some fluke going on in our body and our body is just completely fucking with us. I am getting way off subject here. I forget how much is in my head till I get my first cup of coffee going and open up my “new post” box.

Okay, so I’m headed to a baseball game. My little brother is in the passenger seat next to me and I realize, and it hits me like a brick, that I am truly happy in this moment. Almost Euphoric. My first instinct is to share that fact.

Let me ramble for a sec: For some reason my little brother – who really isn’t little at all and just turned 23, no… 22… 23? – turned off the radio… which in itself is quite out of character. This boy is a mix of Drake and Michael Buble and has some serious talent. Don’t tell him I said that because he already knows and my other siblings and I can’t afford for his ego to get any bigger. He holds the opinion (and I 100% agree) that car rides are meant for mini concerts of your favorite music. We talk for almost the entire trip which was about 2.5 hours with Memphis traffic when we finally pull into the parking deck. Both my brother and I are not very chatty individuals… it’s why I blog, not despite it. And he comments on this fact that the music has been off and we’ve been talking and he enjoyed it… in fact enjoyed it so much that he didn’t realize it had been so long.

Pure happiness. chicken or the egg. Was this chemical induced or a chemical reaction? Oh well… the world may never know. Well, actually science has probably figured it out long ago and I just don’t understand it.

Okay, back to the point here. I wanted to share the fact that I was happy. In this moment. Sitting in my car. I was blissful. And everyone needs to know it. Why was this a reaction? I mean, I understand the explosion and popularity of facebook shows that this is a normal human reaction. But is it a new trend in life? Like consuming too much sugar as a society because that is the trend of things? Wow, way off topic now… sugar discussion later – I know you are on pins and needles about that one. But why do we feel the need to have these feelings and experiences known? Why is it so overwhelming that I could put my life and the life of my baby brother in danger to send a text simply stating “It’s a good moment” or “I am so happy right now.” Why can’t we simply validate ourselves. Why can’t it be enough that right now, in this moment, perfection is reached in the not-so-balancing hormones in my brain?

I find it a flaw with us as humans in this day and age. I feel like it’s a mistake. I feel like it’s a bad habit. Yes, a bad habit. We need rehab. We need to figure out why we can’t just go through life loving the moments and enjoying things and not needing to do all this posting and tagging and hashtagging. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big big fan of the #hashtag but I just wonder if there is something underlying in our society, in the trend of the day, that will come out in a few years to show some serious harm in our mental statutes. What are these long term effects of social media… and texting… and always having the world at our fingertips… always having the world’s validation at our fingertips. And I want that more than the next person. Nay, NEEEEED that. A scary thought to me. I don’t have answers… and maybe it is completely harmless. But I think I would like to take a step back and see if I can find myself enough for myself.

Does any of this makes sense?

caffeine buzz

November 26, 2014

There’s a point in every morning where the caffeine hits. It’s a beautiful stars aligning moment. I love every one. and i want to show it. Pure happiness. I want to sing at the top of my lungs… but i work in cubicle land and that wouldn’t go over too well. Singing (and skipping) in the rain sounds like a great idea when it hits. but what i truly want to do… what i think would fulfill the buzz…. what would feel 100% satisfying is to give someone I’m in love with a hug. I don’t have a person I am in love with…. so I think i’d settle for a cartwheel in the hallway… and it being a day before the holiday… its pretty ghost towny around here… i could probably get away with it.

๐Ÿ™‚

The little things I love

October 1, 2014

soap suds running down my back in the shower

the surge of happy i feel after i consume caffeine

driving over a bridge with my country music blaring

early cool mornings with my windows down and before the sun is fully awake in my sweatshirt

clouds… and the what the sun can do to them

laughing with a friend… over something so silly that only that friend in that moment would find it funny with you

Feeling sexy in a skirt and heels… nothing truly rivals this feeling…

nerdy office jokes

passing by a mirror and being pleasantly surprised

hearing my niece giggle

watching my niece furrow her brow in concentration and/or confusion

missing someone so much it hurts

meeting new people

flirting

being touched

the burn in my abs, legs, arms, or anywhere the day after a good workout

being productive on a Saturday

That feeling when I walk into a clean apartment

making something pretty

the feeling I get when i’m on stage

being good at something. Even something as simple as shuffling a deck of cards.

defaulting to happy

September 5, 2014

I truly believed I’d never see my peppy self again. I thought that the bitterness and anger I went through changed me forever. I’ve been walking through life for the last year in a terribly sad state. That had become my default. But the last few weeks, for no reason at all, I’m smiling. Walking to my car smiling. Sitting at my desk content with life. There’s no guy, there’s no new fun life event going on… its just me. I’ve never been so okay with me. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I even had to try to be okay with just me….. sophomore year in high school. I’m not the kind of person that needs people around all the time, and I know that helps, but lonely has been a huge struggle for me since the separation. I mean, it makes sense…. not that I was more accepting of it because it isย a normal feeling through a divorce…. but at least it made sense.

It just happened all of a sudden… and it’s been here for the last 2 weeks. It’s odd timing for me too… I just basically ended a friendship. And the previous week was full of tears over losing my house. And I just detached myself from any sort of potential love interests… I don’t know if the timing is coincidence, chemicals in my brain malfunctioning, or if any of those things mentioned above positively effected me, but I’m so glad.

I went out with my best friend last night and she could see it. I’m back! I can’t express how grateful I am. It’s been rough. And I am bracing myself for the next roller coaster of emotions to sweep in… Its been up and down for sure! So I fully expect the sad to make a come back. But its so good to know that this part of me is still here. I am still me. ๐Ÿ™‚ A slightly more jaded, baggage laden, divorced me, but i still got my pep!ย 

I know sadness and anger and bitterness aren’t easy things to deal with for anyone, but I kind of thought that for someone like me… the happy-by-default me… the annoyingly-peppy-girl-in-the-cube-next-door me… the trust-first me… the silver-lining me… the walking-on-the-bright-side-me… would have a harder time experiencing such contrasting emotions. I could be wrong. I’m just glad to see it wasn’t permanent. It was a real fear I had.ย