Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

dad

September 14, 2016

I just had a conversation with my dad. And It’s past 9pm… so I know to expect the reasonable slur to his voice and the (when sober) uncharacteristic emotion in his voice.

For the longest time in life his mantra was education first. Get a good job. Work hard. Make money. Money money money. He’s a lawyer. And while he isn’t the lawyer that became a judge or became some partner in a big city place, he still does well for himself in small town Arkansas.

Since him and my mom got a divorce a few years ago his mantra changed. And I don’t know if it was the divorce, or him becoming a grandfather, or what, but now its simply do what makes you happy.

What?

Dad? Is that you? As I was finally accepting that my dad must now be finally happy in life and how long has he been miserable and oh my god maybe I need to find more happiness, I find out that he isn’t happy at all right now.

I thought he was living it up. He’s kind of the dirty old man that likes to party and pick up ladies and hell, I guess if you got it you got it even at 65….

He is stuck. And he doesn’t know what to do about it. Funny. Earlier today I sent a message to my sister about how much less stressed we would be if we did what we wanted and what was best for us and what we needed versus being railroaded and taken advantage of. How much better off would we be if we back boned up and spoke up for ourselves. We couldn’t have possibly gotten that trait from our father? No freaking way….

My mom. She was always the one that tip toed all situations. She was the passive aggressive champion of the household. Right?

All this talk about being happy. I guess its coming from a place of wishful thinking more than what he is actually living. I feel bad for him. I was sad to hear it. My heart did something funny… kind of like sympathy… when he said it. I didn’t realize I had that left in me for him since my parents’ divorce.

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his b-day wish and my pedestal

February 1, 2016

Panman has expressed a birthday wish to me. A plea really….

He wants to paint my canvas. He wants to bruise me. He wants to use his new toys on me.

Me.

Aside from wishing someone would beat me and leave me so bad off I’m marked for a week, I would love to give him what he wants for his birthday. He’s so sweet to me. He treats me like a princess. And I don’t know that I’ve known this treatment from anyone else at quite the level he offers it.

It comes from somewhere extremely deep. From his DNA. He does it effortlessly. It’s like, the things he does for me aren’t sacrifices. Usually when you treat people well, or if you are trying to make someone else happy you pull that from a place of sacrifice. You decide the sacrifice is worth it. But… it’s not a sacrifice for him. It’s not costing him anything. I don’t know how to explain it except that he truly makes me believe his only aim is to make me happy. And my happiness equals his happiness. Period. End of story. No strings.

I’ve had guys say this. “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” I’ve had parents say this. But always always they have proved otherwise or they have shown sacrifice. And there is NOTHING wrong with making sacrifices for other’s happiness. It’s a trait that good people possess. We do this at least a few times daily without even realizing it. And I’ve had guys willing to sacrifice a SHIT TON to make me happy. But my point is… there’s no sacrifice from panman.

I’m not forgetting about Andy here. I’m not. I’m not jumping in bed with panman. I’m not ending things with Andy. Andy is still very much in the picture. I’d have to ask Andy about letting panman scene me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that conversation yet. I have a few months to figure that one out tho.

I just needed to say it. I feel like I’m using panman just being around him. But I never ask for anything. And in his opinion I shouldn’t have to ask. I want to pull myself off the pedestal in his brain where I sit. I’m too clumsy to be sitting that high.

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April 4, 2015

Last night I was on my way to a baseball game.

Rewind for a sec: I’ve spent the last few weeks in some sort of funk. And really I get a little mad at times where I’m in a funk and it isn’t hormone related… I mean seriously? I am going to have at least 2 days a month that I am check-myself-into-a-mental-hospital depressed just because I was born a woman. Don’t get me started on how unfair this is. ANYWAY! I’ve been truly sad. The stressors of life were getting to me, and I couldn’t do my normal shake-if-off impression of Taylor Swift that I am normally a professional at. And not in a bottle-it-up sort of way but in a real way. A way that I can move on from a moment or situation with ease. No skin off my back. All is forgiven. It’s over and I won’t think about it again. I couldn’t get to the bottom of my sadness even tho I could definitely pinpoint a few building blocks.

Side note for a sec: I’m in the process of formulating an opinion one way or another that sad and happy are just a chemical reaction in our heads. I know that scientifically this is true… but is it the chicken or the egg? Are we sad because that is our reaction or are we sad because of some fluke going on in our body and our body is just completely fucking with us. I am getting way off subject here. I forget how much is in my head till I get my first cup of coffee going and open up my “new post” box.

Okay, so I’m headed to a baseball game. My little brother is in the passenger seat next to me and I realize, and it hits me like a brick, that I am truly happy in this moment. Almost Euphoric. My first instinct is to share that fact.

Let me ramble for a sec: For some reason my little brother – who really isn’t little at all and just turned 23, no… 22… 23? – turned off the radio… which in itself is quite out of character. This boy is a mix of Drake and Michael Buble and has some serious talent. Don’t tell him I said that because he already knows and my other siblings and I can’t afford for his ego to get any bigger. He holds the opinion (and I 100% agree) that car rides are meant for mini concerts of your favorite music. We talk for almost the entire trip which was about 2.5 hours with Memphis traffic when we finally pull into the parking deck. Both my brother and I are not very chatty individuals… it’s why I blog, not despite it. And he comments on this fact that the music has been off and we’ve been talking and he enjoyed it… in fact enjoyed it so much that he didn’t realize it had been so long.

Pure happiness. chicken or the egg. Was this chemical induced or a chemical reaction? Oh well… the world may never know. Well, actually science has probably figured it out long ago and I just don’t understand it.

Okay, back to the point here. I wanted to share the fact that I was happy. In this moment. Sitting in my car. I was blissful. And everyone needs to know it. Why was this a reaction? I mean, I understand the explosion and popularity of facebook shows that this is a normal human reaction. But is it a new trend in life? Like consuming too much sugar as a society because that is the trend of things? Wow, way off topic now… sugar discussion later – I know you are on pins and needles about that one. But why do we feel the need to have these feelings and experiences known? Why is it so overwhelming that I could put my life and the life of my baby brother in danger to send a text simply stating “It’s a good moment” or “I am so happy right now.” Why can’t we simply validate ourselves. Why can’t it be enough that right now, in this moment, perfection is reached in the not-so-balancing hormones in my brain?

I find it a flaw with us as humans in this day and age. I feel like it’s a mistake. I feel like it’s a bad habit. Yes, a bad habit. We need rehab. We need to figure out why we can’t just go through life loving the moments and enjoying things and not needing to do all this posting and tagging and hashtagging. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big big fan of the #hashtag but I just wonder if there is something underlying in our society, in the trend of the day, that will come out in a few years to show some serious harm in our mental statutes. What are these long term effects of social media… and texting… and always having the world at our fingertips… always having the world’s validation at our fingertips. And I want that more than the next person. Nay, NEEEEED that. A scary thought to me. I don’t have answers… and maybe it is completely harmless. But I think I would like to take a step back and see if I can find myself enough for myself.

Does any of this makes sense?