Posts Tagged ‘God’

tetris

October 30, 2015

Normally there’s a few days of hormonal catastrophe in my brain and body every month. Usually it manifests itself in a few ways, but always the same order. A day of a manic high and a day or two of deep sadness and disconnectedness. Everything in life sucks and should be changed. IMMEDIATELY. These are the days I cry in my cube and all my male co-workers are cringing and wondering what to do. I have written on my calendar before (because I can predict which day will be the worst – thank you 28 day oral contraceptive) to not make any decisions on this day. Just don’t. Because I would change everything. Job, living situation, relationships with people. This is the only time I argue with co-workers too… unwarranted… well, slightly warranted. I still need SOME provocation.

Anyway… this month I am too high on life to dip into something sad. Instead it manifested in anxiety. I had to calm my nerves about EVERYTHING. My schedule. My exercise routines. My diet. My lack of diet. My bank account. I had things planned for every day this week. I usually do this. And I like it this way. I’ll go out with friends. I’ll spend a little here. a little there. This is routine. I live fine this way. Basically, this is no different from normal. But I freaked out about how I was spending SO MUCH. AND EATING TOO MUCH. AND OMG I NEED A WORKOUT! And isn’t it time to put in a 60 day notice if I need to find a new place if I can’t secure the same rate for rent? I knew that come January my rent was going up by $200. This was FOR SURE a stress point. I hated the thought of moving. But I HATED the thought of spending SO MUCH MONEY ON MY RENT!

Tuesday: I got a great workout in. I decided last week I was going to start a new Strength training routine and some HIIT on the treadmill. And it was a fantastic workout. Kicked some serious ass. (still anxious) Then I showered and met up with my good friend for our annual haunted houses together. We met for drinks (ugh calories) first and he said, “Hey, I forgot I owe you some cash for that event you paid for last month.” OH YEAH! So not only did he buy my drinks, he bought me my haunted house entry fees for the night. SCORE! (still anxious)

Wednesday: I went home to cook up some lunch because a) fewer calories that way. b) less money that way. I came home to a note on my door that was offering a Thanksgiving special on my rent. If I re-upped my lease by November 15 I could secure my current rate. HALLELUJAH! (way less anxious!!!)

Thursday: I have a friend that I ALWAYS see scary movies with. And specifically we have watched every single paranormal activity together in theater. So naturally, we HAD to see the fourth one. Tradition is to get food and beer before hand. She can’t handle the scary without the beer. So I’m still anxious about eating too much, and drinking my calories, and paying for the whole night. She ended up inviting her new boyfriend…. who apparently wants to be her sugar daddy. Ha. Congrats to her, right? Anyway. She asked if I wanted to split a meal. YES! (half the calories, big big fan) A N D her boyfriend picked up the check!

After all that all I paid for all week was 1 movie ticket. I literally swiped my debit card once this week. Anxiety GONE! Everything felt all lined up this week. I like to think I work my calendar like Tetris. It’s probably some weird control issue I have. But also, we have a God that likes to play Tetris too. Sometimes things just line up so dang perfectly!

Happy Friday, all!

finisher

October 4, 2015

When I sign up for half marathons, 5ks, obstacle courses, and triathlons, I don’t expect to place. I don’t dream of winning first, second, or third place. I don’t even plan on being in the top 50% of all contestants much less my age bracket. It’s actually not my goal at all. My goal is that finish line. No matter how terrible I will run, bike, swim, climb, or crawl I still finish that race.

In church this morning I got to thinking. We were reading from Acts 20:24:

24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

I put these two thoughts together… 1) how I think about the literal races I run and 2) how I do this journey on earth with god in mind.

I’ve been beating myself up. I’ve been looking at this a tad bit wrong. I will never be good enough for God, I will never run like I’m even trying for first place… But where I place is not the point. How hard I run, what kind of effort I make, I am NEVER going to be good enough. This is the design. God knew we aren’t enough. We have little bits and pieces that God can put together for his good. But God is the operative word in that sentence. It couldn’t be done by my effort at all without him.

I guess what I mean is, I’m not doing so bad. I mean, I’m on par, as long as I contribute my wins in this life to Him. He just wants us to acknowledge our shortcomings and give our not-enough talents, skills, and lives to him. It’s only then we will finish the race; it’s only then the finish line is ours to cross.

Just some sunday morning ramblings. I’m very happy to have gotten back in church. Even tho I live two lives that seem to contradict completely… At least I’m back. God hasn’t given up. I’m still just as not enough as I was before, I’m just putting more hope in Him in even while doing the shady shit I partake in. I’m not trying to be a hypocrite here. And I’m not saying there isn’t a great amount of spiritual warfare going on in my life. I’m just trying to see where this life is taking me. I enjoy being open minded, but I also believe Jesus is king… sigh. Just chuggin along waiting to see if there are answers. I’m not convinced there are answers… But I’m also one to be humble enough to be okay with never knowing, with knowing its impossible for me to know.

I think that’s all I got.

Hope you all had a great weekend!