Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

i did it!

July 8, 2016

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I walked up to the counter with my friend and said, “We have this groupon <laid it on the counter> and we don’t know anything about any of this.”

He was SO NICE! I’m sure he is use to working with clueless people. He picked out a gun with little kick back. He gave the safety spiel. Then the instruction spiel. He went really really fast while we were standing at the corner. Just when I was getting nervous about not getting it all down he explained he’d be at my side the entire time.

I guess if I owned a gun shop/shooting gallery I’d stick to new/clueless/ignorant people like asian rice on… well… everything… lol. Fine fine, white on rice. whatevs yo…

So We get out to our lane and we go through it several times. I get comfortable enough… And I have a great time! I knew that I would. I’m so glad I didn’t get discouraged from going. I almost did several times.

Got on groupon today and saw one for a flying lesson… hmmmm…

🙂

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letting go of him and grabbing friends

May 24, 2016

When he broke up with me a few weeks ago I could tell he was still on the fence. He would come over unannounced. We’d talk. I’d cry. He’d leave. I knew he was battling the decision. So I did what any sane girl that is insanely in love would do. I begged the shit out of him. Even in the moment I felt pathetic. But I absolutely couldn’t just let this happen without him knowing my stance on this.

I hated being that girl. But if I still had a say in this decision… By golly I was saying it!

This time… just a few weeks later… Hearing him break up with me again I knew it was different. There was nothing to fight for.

Last time he made the decision out of anger. Pure, raw emotion drove those words. This time… It wasn’t some action that evoked a feeling. He was just… simply… done. So to fight would be futile. I’d be an annoyance. I’m not going to be an annoyance in this situation. If you are done, then I will graciously accept that. I mean, I will cry. And violently so… maybe even in front of you (which, yes, did happen… there was no dignity) but I will still take it like a big girl and let you go.

When I say big girl, I mean I’ll cry like a baby for days and let all my friends carry me through. And they have. I have some of the best people around me.

My best friend brought over wine, pizza, and every single ben and jerry’s flavor that contains cookie dough… there are 3, btw.

Then after a few days of wine and beer binging I had a friend surprise me with Gatorade at my desk on Monday morning.

I love my people. It’s just the perfect moment for people to show me that I’m valued. I needed it. Need it.

So even tho I’m hurting in the worst possible way, I’m grateful for all the other people in my life that would love to take this burden of pain from me. And would do it without thinking if they could. But of course, I wouldn’t let them feel this if they didn’t have to… well, maybe I’d give them just enough of it to take the edge off 🙂 I mean, hey! They offered!

more on mitch

March 8, 2016

We were hanging out a lot last spring and summer. He was living with his girlfriend of 3 years and they just moved about 2 miles away. We would go on bike rides. Grab beers. Hang out. He’s so fun to be around. He’s a happy guy. Great beard. So so handsome. Goofy. Up for adventrue. No, not just up for adventure. He makes the adventures happen.

I went through my blog knowing I’d written about him last summer, but alas, I did not. I don’t know how he slipped through the cracks. But of course when me and M broke up in June(ish?) and I was not particularly excited about men in general. Plus, he had a live in girlfriend so to me it was all on the up and up…. for the most part.

He made it clear that he liked me. But… I was distracted enough with the on-again-off-again pattern me and M had that I could easily say, “Sorry, I’ve been on both sides of the infidelity train and I promise you don’t want to do that.” So we continued as friends. Easy as that.

Then, late last summer he announces that he and his girlfriend had broken up. Now, I already knew that he had been debating this a long time. He had been teetering on this trigger for a solid year. I couldn’t believe someone that complacent would just kind of let the time go by. He was busy with school. They lived together. It was easy. They didn’t not get along… he just knew that she wasn’t the one. So when she started talking engagement and wedding he knew it was time I guess. Too bad he couldn’t have done that sooner for her sake, but such as life sometimes.

Anyway, when he was single, then I was single we increased our hang outs. We still didn’t cross any lines, and honestly this confused me. But I wasn’t going to push a damn thing. I had just found Sir T. So, it was a hell of a lot easier for me to not cross into the gray area with him because I didn’t want to have to ask permission for anything. Total sub move, right?! And mitch seemed satisfied with our friendship.

Anyway, before he disappeared to his new girlfriend and I disappeared to my boyfriend… we managed a make out session. Great kisser. But that is where we left it.

Anyway, we are going to a concert tonight. I’m pretty excited to see him. I haven’t seen him since September. And last night I had a dream that me and him went drinking and passed out on my couch. It was fun in my dream! Maybe we’ll make that happen tonight. 😀

Again, I know. I’m in a situation where  I know I don’t want to cheat on Andy, but I’m playing with fire. Will this be the rest of my life? I’m not trying to lie to myself about the situation. I’m happy to be hanging out with my friend tonight. And we’ll see what happens. But the goal is to keep up those boundaries. He knows about Andy, and he hasn’t pushed the lines so far. I don’t get worried about this till I start typing about it… I’m over thinking this.

mitch

March 7, 2016

I have a friend that disappears on me when he is dating someone. I mean, disappears. Ignores me. Gone. Doesn’t exist. Then the second he is single he calls me. Not just text. He wants to hang out. Talk on the phone. He just out of the blue texted me yesterday morning for the first time in 6 months.

I am a very forgiving, understanding, no grudge holding, non-judgmental friend. And I know that that is a recipe for being bull dozed.

And If I think about it, I can get a little angry about the last few interactions we had. Very short and cold and no explanation. In fact, I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. I thought he just stopped wanting to be my friend.

This has happened before with him. He just kind of drops off the planet. he doesn’t warn you. He doesn’t try to explain anything.

I talked to him for an hour yesterday. He’s immediately my best friend again. Text messages last night and this morning.

I can’t help but think maybe I’m doing this friendship thing wrong.

I really don’t feel that mad at him. I just know that I should be a little perturbed. It’s easy for me to shake off tho. I just hate losing people.

I just lost panman, so I’m happy to have this guy back… I just wish it wasn’t so easy for people to leave.

trey

March 4, 2016

Me and trey met at an event at my apartment complex. It was a free drink night. It was the first event I attended at my apartment complex. The first event that offered free booze. Not a coincidence. Me and josh decided to go together since it’s one of those potentially awkward things that make it hard for singles to show up anywhere.

While we are there I notice a guy working the crowd. It’s a mix and mingle event. By design there’s a game set up to spark the conversation. And while I do the bare minimum to interact with anyone but josh, this guy is working in a full conversation with each person he approaches. I’m impressed.

At one point he comes over to me and josh and I reach out and start making conversation. We just stand around and drink for the next thirty minutes. Turns out he works in politics. So immediately I’m impressed less by his communication skills. What a tease. Oh well. Still pleasant enough to talk to. Even funny at times.

Before we leave he gets my number. Now… I have made the appropriate references to my BOYFRIEND so he gets the picture. This makes me feel slightly more comfortable about giving my number out but really it just caught me too off guard to know what else to do. He hands me his phone and I immediately look at josh for direction. He offers nothing. Bastard. I enter my number because I’m not in the habit of embarrassing people in public.

Before I get home I have a text from him saying how much fun I was and how much fun he had talking. He’s GUSHING. Now, I’m not above flattery. I like when I catch someone’s attention. I appreciate being appreciated more than the typical gal.

Any way, over the next few weeks we text minimally. He asks to hang out. I iterate the fact that I have a boyfriend and boundaries should be kept accordingly.

Earlier this week he invites me to a comedy show and I give him a non-commit ‘maybe’. Turns out a few of my other friends will be there so I tell him finitely I’ll go early yesterday. He said he’ll swing by and pick me up at 7:45. ‘Okay.’

At 7:43 I decide to put some pants on. I throw on a tank top and a light zip up jacket I don’t intend on taking off. I walk out at 7:45 on the dot. He pulls up at 7:46. I hop in his SUV.

He’s in a blazer. :\ This is a super casual venue. I mean… like, you could wear sweat pants unnoticed. He immediately says, “You look nice tonight.” What script is he reading from? “A blazer?” I try to keep the judgement out of my intonation. He tries to say that he was under dressed for a meeting earlier that day so he felt the jacket evened the playing field. Okay…. but how much effort does it take to take a blazer off? Like, while you are driving?

It feels immediately awkward. More than first date awkward. Because, HELLO!?!? I didn’t get the memo that I was going on a date that night!

We are standing in line at the bar and he loudly announces the first round is on him. I still don’t get why he made it such a big deal. “Okay…” and I lean into the cashier to place my beer order more discreetly than his announcement… I think I was trying to climb under a rock in the same moment.

I hear someone say my name from behind me and it’s Hannah! One of my best friends. I throw my arms around her as the relief washes over me. Mid-hug I realize this is not something me and Hannah do. She is looking at me funny. But she picks up what I’m putting down as soon as she glances to my right and notices the dude in a blazer. She laughs. I can’t help but laugh too. I’M SO FRIGGIN RELIEVED TO HAVE HER THERE! So we all go sit… and I try desperately to diffuse the date vibe sitting with Hannah and making him pull a chair up to us. I know, it sounds rude, but I was feeling like I was drowning.

Anyway… fast forward and he is dropping me off… I hop out of the vehicle waving and yelling thanks as I bolt up to the second floor. Of course I am immediately greeted by text message before I can unlock my door that he had a great night with me. He does that… adds the “with you.” As if I didn’t quite understand that he specifically only had fun with me…  Yeesh.

Only *I* could accidentally go on a date. Gah!

missing panman

March 2, 2016

Panman was becoming one of my closest friends. I value him. I respect him. I enjoy him.

When I didn’t break up with A he stopped speaking to me. He didn’t even listen to my reasoning. He didn’t let me talk it out with him. I needed him to be open.

I miss him. It’s not fair. I want him back. Why can’t I have my friend back. He has his person. And I have mine. Why can’t that be okay?

I feel like there is a weird double standard somewhere in all this. He wanted me to join him in his open relationship but he isn’t willing to be third party to mine? Okay, no I don’t want that, I just meant… Why does it have to be in that capacity for him to accept me as a person and friend?

I wish he would hear me out. I haven’t talked to him in 3 days. And it feels like forever.

And I know I say “friendship” and I know I wish that is where we could leave it. But at the same time I just want to crawl in his lap and have him hold me and call me his baby girl. Tell me I’m perfect and beautiful and stroke my hair.

Where does that even come from? Why is that desire there? I want to be with A. And I don’t need a romantic relationship with panman…. but I want him to shelter me all the same.

I guess I have some double standard-ing going on too. Just… don’t know how to reconcile it all.

I miss him.

kink ties

February 4, 2016

Quite often I get the, what I call, Cold Call Add on Fetlife. This is when you get a random person requesting to be friends that you have neither a) met in real life or b) exchanged any form of communication with. I typically ignore all these. They just sit there in pending status.

Last weekend I went to a party and met several fellow kinksters. I promptly added all of them… because that’s how it works. You meet people. You like people. You stay connected with people. Pretty average in my opinion.

After adding these gals (and one guy) I noticed for the first time that the people I have in friendship limbo are mutual friends of my new friends. So, on a whim, I hit accept. I accepted 3 friend reqests right then and there for no other reason than having friends in common. In any other mood I probably wouldn’t have acted so impulsively. I’m not an impulsive person. But the deed was done and that was that. Not really that big of a deal in and of itself, in my opinion.

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER I get a message from a panman… “Heard you were packing on the Doms.” Huh? Dom packing? Is that a thing? Is that even desirable???? I didn’t realize that, yes, I indeed added 3 dom types. I barely recognized the fact that they were all male. I didn’t even go check out their profiles. I just impulsively hit accept.

Poor panman. I gave him an anxiety attack because some junior high kid decided to go tattle on me. SERIOUSLY? I didn’t even realize I was doing something tattle worthy. Not to mention, apparently I’m marked as panman’s. That part doens’t bother me. The fact that some little hater out there ran to him to alert him is my issue. I know how he feels about me. And if I was still apart of the community and single I’d be all about some panman. And I definitely understand the claim he (implicitly or explicitly – doesn’t matter in this particular rant) has on me. I just got a really bad taste in my mouth from the whole thing.

I’m glad panman approached me directly about it. I am glad he trusts me enough to believe me. Wonder who else I pissed off by doing so? Wonder who else’s view of me I tarnished by doing that. But I guess their assumptions are a reflections of their character, not mine.

Since I’ve “gone vanilla” with Andy, I question why I’m still on the site anyway. I don’t want to lose those connections is really the only argument I have. And it’s not even a good one. Because why keep this kink world on a string if I also hope to live happily ever after with Andy?

his b-day wish and my pedestal

February 1, 2016

Panman has expressed a birthday wish to me. A plea really….

He wants to paint my canvas. He wants to bruise me. He wants to use his new toys on me.

Me.

Aside from wishing someone would beat me and leave me so bad off I’m marked for a week, I would love to give him what he wants for his birthday. He’s so sweet to me. He treats me like a princess. And I don’t know that I’ve known this treatment from anyone else at quite the level he offers it.

It comes from somewhere extremely deep. From his DNA. He does it effortlessly. It’s like, the things he does for me aren’t sacrifices. Usually when you treat people well, or if you are trying to make someone else happy you pull that from a place of sacrifice. You decide the sacrifice is worth it. But… it’s not a sacrifice for him. It’s not costing him anything. I don’t know how to explain it except that he truly makes me believe his only aim is to make me happy. And my happiness equals his happiness. Period. End of story. No strings.

I’ve had guys say this. “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” I’ve had parents say this. But always always they have proved otherwise or they have shown sacrifice. And there is NOTHING wrong with making sacrifices for other’s happiness. It’s a trait that good people possess. We do this at least a few times daily without even realizing it. And I’ve had guys willing to sacrifice a SHIT TON to make me happy. But my point is… there’s no sacrifice from panman.

I’m not forgetting about Andy here. I’m not. I’m not jumping in bed with panman. I’m not ending things with Andy. Andy is still very much in the picture. I’d have to ask Andy about letting panman scene me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that conversation yet. I have a few months to figure that one out tho.

I just needed to say it. I feel like I’m using panman just being around him. But I never ask for anything. And in his opinion I shouldn’t have to ask. I want to pull myself off the pedestal in his brain where I sit. I’m too clumsy to be sitting that high.

panman

December 19, 2015

Thru the community on fetlife I’ve made a new friend. I’ll refer to him as PanMan. Let me back up a bit.

I wrote about a vetting I went to a few months back. I met several people that added me on fet that night. That night I came home to a message from PanMan… he basically was saying it was nice to meet me and thought we’d have a good time if we played together. Well, at the time I thought this was incredibly audacious because I was sitting next to Sir the entire time. To be fair, Sir was pretty stoic the whole time. So I can see how PanMan might not have recognized our connection. I’m not sure if that was him protecting me or if that was just extincts and establishing his Dom presence among a room full of d/s types. I don’t know. Either way… It wasn’t a bad thing except when someone tried to introduce themselves. He had a huge wall up for whatever reason. Even so far as to not even turn his head in the direction of someone who was talking. I found it a bit odd… but didn’t question it.

Anyway, about the message. I made simple chitchat back. I kept up all the right boundaries and said it was nice meeting a Dom around my age. I don’t see that too often in this bible belt state. “Keep in touch.” We had a short back and forth after that. He recognized my point. And in the few days after that me and Sir made ourselves fetlife official. Claimed out loud. I was happy about it.

As we all know, me and Sir ended shortly after that. PanMan messaged me recently. We’ve been chatting. He’s one of those people that are really easy to get close to because he doesn’t feel the need to hold much back. It’s easy to reciprocate that.

The only thing about it is the boundaries. It’s not a gray area relationship. We are very much just friends. It’s his words. He is very complimentary. And I don’t hate that. Who would hate that?? He makes it very clear I am his type and he is attracted to me. But it’s just in words. He isn’t trying to make a move. And I feel very confident he won’t.

Maybe there isn’t a problem here. I do enjoy this friendship quite a bit. He’s had a rough patch. He’s a good talker and a good listener. Great sense of humor. I love when humor meshes like this. And truth be told he is really good for my self-esteem.

Am I playing with fire here? I would hate to hurt Andy in anyway. I would also hate if I was keeping a friendship just for my own ego… I don’t think I’m doing that here. I guess I’m just hoping I am not lying to myself about all this.

Worth (Priorities part II)

July 1, 2015

I feel like this deserved a part two after a discussion with yet another good friend brought on the completeness of this light bulb moment from yesterday.

While yesterday i understood that some people keep their relationships on a different line of their priority list than I, today I realized why I’m rocking the boat recently with a few of what I consider to be deeper relationships in my life.

As I grow older and gain perspective and get to know myself in a more accepting and loving way, I realize my worth. I realize what I deserve and I put up with less bullshit from others around me that seem to care way less than I do.

So, along with me valuing my relationships more, i’m also demanding more. The side effect of these great revelations that I’m putting into practice without even realizing it is a thinning circle of friends.

And you know what? I’m am okay with that. I have excellent people in my life. They add to and enrich my life. They make me happy and feel whole and complete. I can afford to trim the fat. I can afford to hold a higher standard.

Maybe this is only a self preservation tactic, saving myself from the pain I spoke of yesterday… Maybe it’s just justification for letting friendships die… I don’t know, but I know I am okay with this. I am very very okay with this.

So let the pain come and let the pain lessen. And let me re-evaluate some people in my life. Bring it on, life. For this is growing older. This is growing wiser. This is taking what I deserve. This is holding myself up. Respecting and loving me… and allowing the love that I have to be washed over those that stick around.