Posts Tagged ‘friends’

personal boundaries

October 10, 2017

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. You know how when you pray for patience you should expect the opportunity to practice it instead of just being given good patience magically? Well as soon as I put this intention about my boundaries out into the universe the universe handed me a boatload of opportunities to stick up for myself. 

I had a guy that abasically assaulted me years ago call me. Ok… So that one was easy… But the universe knew I needed a softball to get my feet wet. Then another guy that use to be a playmate asked to scene with me, and I was able to shut him down because of his current relationship status. I wasn’t interested in being the chick on the side even if it was just to scene with. 

All those were just practice for this one tho… My father. Specifically his girlfriend. A girl that is younger than me and hooked on drugs. I’m the only one out of all my siblings that will even allow this girl in my current place of residency. They came over and stayed the night. She ended up stealing some of my clothes. There’s a huge long back story to all this that I don’t have the energy to go into, but I finally did it. I cut my father off. Well, until he ditches the addict. I know I know.  You might say the heart wants what it wants, but my father does not want this chick. If she made him happy this would be a different story. He keeps telling me he feels trapped. And she’s abusive. But that’s all part of that long back story. It’s unhealthy and I can no longer be in support of it. And stealing my clothes… Ugh. Maybe I’ll go in to more detail at another time. Sigh. 

Anyway. Somehow the universe gave me a fuse just short enough to be able to build some much needed walls. 

It’s interesting to me… I’m so gracious with people. And for the most part I love this about me. It makes me unique. It’s my super power and why I’m such a good friend. But lately I’ve just been railroaded because of it. Gracious to a fucking fault. Which is sad because like I said I really like this about me. Usually. I know there’s a balance… I need to take this gift I have and make it a better art form. Sprinkle in some discernment. And make sure I am kept safe while being the best me possible.

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hospital part 4

December 27, 2016

So, Tuesday Morning I was home by 10am!

Thank you thank you thank you! I was still so weak and so sore. I basically just
got into bed and chilled there the rest of the week. A few noteworthy things that
happened over the course of my hospital stay.

My ex-husband was around A LOT. And he’s the sweetest person. Him and his family
are givers. Most generous bunch you’ll ever meet. They are like that with
EVERYONE. There’s zero discrimination. People they just met, people they’ve known
forever. The bum on the side of the highway. The waitress that “must be having a
bad day.” Everyone. My ex brought me a goody bag of things. Christmas socks that
were the softest I’ve ever felt. Headbands for my gross hair I didn’t have the
energy to wash. He brought me his ipad to use. Chap stick… just because. He
stayed with me one afternoon. Held my hand. I NEEDED my hand held. I was in pain
and I was scared. It felt nice. His family even sent me flowers.

Also, the guy I’m seeing was out of town with his family. He was suppose to come
back on Friday. But Friday turned into Sunday. He got into town early afternoon.
He was going to come see me, but he came home to cat puke on his bed. Okay. Sure.
Clean your bed. Well then West World was on. Um… sure. Whatever. My other
friends were there. I didn’t need his company. Just wanted to see him. He finally showed up around 9:30pm. He was proud of himself for inconveniencing himself with a hospital trip. Sigh.

My mom was quick to point out the difference in the two men. She even said something about remarrying my ex… and things happening for a reason… and blah blah blah. I can’t even sometimes. It was very nice having someone do special things for me and to help me in a time of need. Very nice. But remarry nice? I mean… come on… let’s not rush ourselves. But, honestly… it was really hard not to think about that. Really hard. I’ve done a really good job not comparing people to my ex up until this point.

Plus the other guy… he may just not be good at comforting or know how to deal with sickness. It’s a gift that not everyone has. Sickness is an inconvenience more than anything. Sigh… whatever. Blah blah blah. Excuses excuses excuses.

But in his defense he ended up coming in after work on Monday and staying all evening. My other friends came too. We pretty much had a party in my room. I’m sure the nurses LOVED that. Too bad I was only on Tylenol by then. 🙂 I really am lucky to have such great people in my life.

hospital part 3

December 27, 2016

Over the next few days I needed help getting out of bed. I didn’t eat for 2 full
days…. if you know me you know this is a huge indicator of illness. I’m the kind
of girl that binge eats even with the stomach flu. I’m all about some food. I am
an addict…

And food was not an option. Even with pain meds I couldn’t. Not only was it a bad
idea I was terrified of food. How could food betray me like this. What else was it
capable of??!

I’d take a few sips of clear fluids… that’s about it. I was hooked up to an IV
drip so I knew I wasn’t going to dehydrate to death and as far as I was concerned
that’s the most I needed til my tummy sorted itself out.

I felt like I had been doing crunches and leg lifts and knee raises for 24 hours
straight. Everything inside me was swollen. It hurt so badly. Dilauded was an
around the clock event for me. I couldn’t sleep for longer than 4 hours straight
because I would wake up in pain. With the help of the antibiotics my white blood
cell count got within normal range in about 48 hours.

At this point I started feeling a lot better. I was still weak and I was still
unable to eat but I was finally able to take in my surroundings. I started to loathe
peeing in a toilet that had a pee catcher in it. It was cold and wet and sitting
on it felt disgusting. I started smelling like the hospital. I was ready to not be
here any more.

As my friends were getting back into town from their thanksgiving breaks they came
to see me. I am so blessed to have such a great solid foundation of family and
friends. The second night I was there my sister stayed with me, and my brother
stayed the following night. I gave everyone the night off for my final night as I
was able to do things by myself again. Turned out to be a bit too ambitious, but I got through it.

I asked to go home after my third night and the doctors basically told me to shut
up, sit back, and be a patient. I was “very sick”. Oh yeah. I forgot. I mean I
knew I didn’t feel normal. And I knew there was pain… but I forgot that the
hospital was where I NEEDED to be. It’s humbling and weird being the patient…
Like, why all the fuss over little ole me? Oh yeah, I’m sick. Why was denial such a real thing here?

But since I expressed my desire to go home the doctor switched me to all oral meds instead of IV meds and took away my iv pain meds too. Shucks! But It was worth it to get out of that place! So from then on it was just Tylenol. Which by far wasn’t enough but I was determined. If that went well for the next 24 hours I could go home.

i did it!

July 8, 2016

img_1331

I walked up to the counter with my friend and said, “We have this groupon <laid it on the counter> and we don’t know anything about any of this.”

He was SO NICE! I’m sure he is use to working with clueless people. He picked out a gun with little kick back. He gave the safety spiel. Then the instruction spiel. He went really really fast while we were standing at the corner. Just when I was getting nervous about not getting it all down he explained he’d be at my side the entire time.

I guess if I owned a gun shop/shooting gallery I’d stick to new/clueless/ignorant people like asian rice on… well… everything… lol. Fine fine, white on rice. whatevs yo…

So We get out to our lane and we go through it several times. I get comfortable enough… And I have a great time! I knew that I would. I’m so glad I didn’t get discouraged from going. I almost did several times.

Got on groupon today and saw one for a flying lesson… hmmmm…

🙂

moving on and making changes

July 7, 2016

I’m going to the shooting range tonight. I hate that I’m emotional over something that is suppose to be FUN!

One of my really good guy friends is going with me. He doesn’t do the gun like I don’t. Should be an experience for both of us.

I’m glad I’m doing it instead of losing my money over it. I feel like this is a step towards closure over mitch. Silly, but I really felt I had to do this and not let him get in the way of this experience for me.

I’ve thought about calling mitch. But… not sure why. What would I accomplish? Probably could only do more harm than anything. Is there closure to be had? That would be awesome. But I don’t think that exists here.

I hate being so emotional. I hate being so dissatisfied in life. Hate feeling so… so… unhappy and unsettled… and like I’m in limbo for something. What am I waiting on? To get over mitch? To like my job? To what?

But I finally reached a point in my complaining and dissatisfaction where I’ve started taking action. I have finished my resume. It’s time to start job searching. I’m looking forward to the search. I know that it won’t be easy, but the fact that I’m doing something to change this is definitely a positive over all this negative I feel. Feeling productive is my all time happy place.

I also met with my business consultant about the market research on my idea. All things positive on that front for sure. But this is going to be a long haul process of doing it right. My business plan has to be solid. And as of this far I have no numbers on paper. What a daunting task. I’ll get there tho. I’m not in a hurry here and that feels good. Feels like I’m in control.

SIGH.

Okay… wish me luck on the shooting range this afternoon!

Get what you give

July 5, 2016

And this true. If you give more at work you’ll get more pay. Get a better position. If you give more in your workouts you get better results. If you give more in your daily nutrition efforts you’ll definitely see good things happen in that department. All these things that effort equals result. It’s nice to know we can have an impact on the things in our lives.

Somethings get in the way. Like laziness. Fear. Distractions. But for the most part it rings true. You get what you give. Lots of things are investments in that way. Somethings have a higher return than others… and we live our life and adjust accordingly.

But one aspect in life where this is just absolutely not true. No matter how much effort and time you put in it will not bear fruits. There might be fruits in the first place but you won’t increase your fruits at any faster rate. And that’s people.

People suck. People are selfish. People fail. People make mistakes. It doesn’t mean that we should put less effort into people. People need effort. They need unconditional kindness. They need all these things. It’s a shame that being a better friend doesn’t equal getting a better friend. Some people work this way maybe… keeping some sort of score. But I don’t think we want our friendships like that. Do we?

I’ve been dissatisfied in life lately. I guess I’ll just up my efforts in all areas regardless on what I’ll get. I’ll enjoy the return on investments where it happens and I’ll know I’m being a good friend where I don’t.

shoot (with) me

June 28, 2016

I bought a Groupon to a shooting range for me and mitch to use. The expiration date is very quickly approaching.

I thought it was a great date idea. And I felt comfortable with the situation because of mitch’s military background. He knows how to handle a gun. I was excited about the experience.

I’m terrified of a fire arm if I’m being completely honest. In the same way I’m terrified at watching someone else hold a knife in the kitchen cutting vegetables.

So now I’m wondering if I should just let this whole groupon just pass by. Eat the money. But me and my cheap self says that is ridiculous. And I still thing it sounds fun. I want to do it. I just don’t know who to take. A girlfriend? Gosh. I have zero confidence in that. ZERO. Why, tho, do I feel the need to have someone know what they are doing in such a controlled environment with an instructor on staff? That’s not a good excuse. That’s what these places are for. Training.

I don’t know. This is dumb to even worry about. Just one of those things that sucks about break ups.

The other day my best friend said mitch reached out to her to ask about something. My heart felt squeezed just at the thought. She’s MY best friend. 😦 And he entered my life again for a split second. God, why is it still this hard to think about him. I was crying instantly.

raining men

May 30, 2016

It’s actually raining men. As in… i need a friggin umbrella!

And it’s my own damn fault. I should’ve stayed under the radar for a few more minutes. I mean… some of these are just coincidences… the universe sent out a vibe on me…. pulled them all in.

It’s too easy to lean on this attention. But it’s not helping anyone. And these guys don’t care about me. I mean, they can say they do. But where have they been? where do they go? i’m no one’s priority. I’m not an idiot.

I went to a party this weekend. One of my guy friends… who has quite literally made his way around my entire friend circle to some extent was all over me on saturday night. I know this guy… so I just took the attention and flirted back. It’s not harming me what so ever. I have his number. This will roll right off my back. Slick as a dick… Whoops. Typo. Slick as a D-U-C-K.

It turned into a hot tub party. So… I’m not gonna lie… it got steamy. It was turning into a more fun night than I expected. I knew that this was all tease. I had no intention of following this through. It would be a bit desperate on my end for sure. Like, I said… he’s gotten around my friend circle… and even if he only got all the way with one, he has tried to get with all of them in one way or another.

This guy is HOTT. Bicep for daaaaays. That is a weakness of mine FO SHO! So, yeah… I’m soaking this up! He got a bit too close a few times… too close for being in public anyway. I had to literally back up a few times. I’m sure we looked pretty trashy. But EVERYONE was wasted.

I heard he was dating someone that I didn’t know, but I know this guy. If he is dating someone, he’s not committed. And she knows it. He’s open like that. Super casual. He just is. Anyway, he’s all up on me in the hot tub when his current main squeeze shows up! Whoops! I have no idea if she saw us. Or if she cared. Or whatever. I don’t think he knew she was coming. I certainly didn’t!

I do know that he’s got to look like an ass to all his other friends. I mean, he wasn’t shy about being all up on me the ENTIRE night. I took my cue… I got out of the hot tub and joined the gay guys in the kitchen… It was fun too. But he didn’t waste any time letting her fill the spot I was currently in.

Like the rest of the raining men.

Over all the night was pretty fun. But I cried all the way home. I miss mitch so fucking much. The pain is overwhelming in some moments.

letting go of him and grabbing friends

May 24, 2016

When he broke up with me a few weeks ago I could tell he was still on the fence. He would come over unannounced. We’d talk. I’d cry. He’d leave. I knew he was battling the decision. So I did what any sane girl that is insanely in love would do. I begged the shit out of him. Even in the moment I felt pathetic. But I absolutely couldn’t just let this happen without him knowing my stance on this.

I hated being that girl. But if I still had a say in this decision… By golly I was saying it!

This time… just a few weeks later… Hearing him break up with me again I knew it was different. There was nothing to fight for.

Last time he made the decision out of anger. Pure, raw emotion drove those words. This time… It wasn’t some action that evoked a feeling. He was just… simply… done. So to fight would be futile. I’d be an annoyance. I’m not going to be an annoyance in this situation. If you are done, then I will graciously accept that. I mean, I will cry. And violently so… maybe even in front of you (which, yes, did happen… there was no dignity) but I will still take it like a big girl and let you go.

When I say big girl, I mean I’ll cry like a baby for days and let all my friends carry me through. And they have. I have some of the best people around me.

My best friend brought over wine, pizza, and every single ben and jerry’s flavor that contains cookie dough… there are 3, btw.

Then after a few days of wine and beer binging I had a friend surprise me with Gatorade at my desk on Monday morning.

I love my people. It’s just the perfect moment for people to show me that I’m valued. I needed it. Need it.

So even tho I’m hurting in the worst possible way, I’m grateful for all the other people in my life that would love to take this burden of pain from me. And would do it without thinking if they could. But of course, I wouldn’t let them feel this if they didn’t have to… well, maybe I’d give them just enough of it to take the edge off 🙂 I mean, hey! They offered!

another mitch post

March 9, 2016

So… Last night was awesome. We had a great time. Taco Tuesdays with $4 tequila shots and $3 Coronas. We didn’t go overboard tho. Not even a smidge of hangover this morning. We just got relaxed and giggly together. Watched his friend play guitar on stage. One of my favorite combinations on the planet. Friends. Drinks. Live acoustic music.

Did I mention that I love his energy? He is just charged with something. I love having that around.

We talked about his disappearing act. He was not happy with how he did that. He told me that he did that with everyone. I believe him.

Sounds like that last girl was a huge rollercoaster of crazy. Glad he got out. Glad to have my friend back!