Posts Tagged ‘food problem’

happy place

July 24, 2015

Well, Melissa didn’t call. I didn’t workout. But I could’ve done it worse… Could’ve had all 8 pieces of the pie…. instead of just two… and I could’ve bought and ate a whole bag of Doritos instead of simply naked pita chips…………..

I feel disgusting. And ashamed. And I need to turn this around. A-fucking-SAP.

I woke up with piercing pain in my right temple. BUt duh… I ate like shit this week after eating to perfection for 4 weeks prior. Shocked my system to say the least. I need to find my new happy place….

And I think I know where that is. I found… an outlet. A fetlife friend. He is already in a relationship. An open one. Well, only open enough for him to let out his Dom. His primary relationship is vanilla. And it matches my needs right now. I’m hung up on a guy that I can’t have, and need an outlet myself. It’s so weird to crave something that’s not been part of my life for too long. Less than a year… and yet I know that experiencing any kind of pain (or what I call having a pain/pleasing relationship) would be so perfect right now. I could shake off the heartache. Find motivation in that.

I find this difficult to write about almost. Knowing that it doesn’t make sense to some people. Why would someone want to experience pain? Why would someone want to bring yourself to basically the level of slave and servant to someone for a little while (at least). I don’t know.

But I’ve been thinking lately about a lot of aspects of this. When you feel pain you feel pleasure at an even higher degree. When he’s happy I’m even happier. When he is proud, I am on top of the world. When I endure I am brave and strong and I did it well!! ——>craving to say the least right now… but only because I KNOW, somehow I know, that this will help to heal me. If only for a release of everything I’m holding onto on the inside. In those moments of submission EVERYTHING comes out. You don’t hide anything you feel. You let your reactions shine thru. Raw. You let go of all facades. It’s alllll gone. It disappears. And I NEVER let go. I’m the kind of person that can consume a six pack or a whole bottle of wine and still think about every word I say. Need that nakedness. It’s the only time I know how, or want to show all. I want that. I want to be vulnerable and exposed. I have so much need for that right now.

I will meet him soon and see how we connect in person.

I thought about reaching out to a few people I’ve done this with in the past. One of them I’m worried would be too difficult because there is history of feelings. A lot of feelings on both our parts. And existing feelings. I think about him and I wish to be there in his arms… then experience those arms in full force. It’s almost too hard to resist. Just thinking about it is intoxicating. But that’s why I can’t put myself in that position. Because I’m heartbroken. And I don’t believe that is a healthy way to fix my heartache. Even if we do have a future (or especially if we have a future)… It isn’t going to work if I’m recovering. And the other guy… Not enough pain. He’s not a masochist… he likes the control more than the pain infliction and I need to find a better match.

Here’s to my new happy place. I feel better just writing about it. Happy Friday, all.

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My food problem

August 22, 2014

This issue is so deeply apart of me it was hard not to mention it on my first “about me” post. 

I’m a binge eater. Some people might not recognize this as a real problem. I assure you. It is. 

I’ve always been over weight. Ever since I was a little girl. I wore a size 11 in women’s jeans by the time i was in 5th grade. In my 7th grade year I went directly from that same size 11 to a hefty size 16 and the trend just sort of continued. (I call that year “the year of the explosion”.) I can’t remember it being something I thought about. Except for maybe when it was time to put a bathing suit on. My mom says I carried so much confidence that she couldn’t imagine it effecting me. She also said says that i would always eat an exorbitant amount of food in one setting. But my mom eats like a bird… So maybe she just meant in comparison (the justification in my mind).

I don’t remember thoughts of food taking over my life or negative thoughts on my body occurring regularly. You could say  I was a happy girl. But in college i began thinking about exercise. I had never been an athlete. (The fear of embarrassment I had kept me from enjoying anything like that). I had no clue what eating healthy looked like. (Besides salad. And the very thought of putting lettuce on an empty stomach makes me gag – quite literally.) But I figured I could at least start with running. Sounds simple enough. 

So me and my boyfriend (now ex-husband, but i digress) started running. In a short time i was able to hit a mile straight!!!!!!! What?!?!? I did that!? He showed me a few things in the gyms in the way of weights, but really too many meat head freshmen took over that part of the gym so I never made it a priority. I LOVED working out. Well, you know that love/hate thing that happens when you want to take a nap instead of gym – that was still there… but.. overall I was excited about it. 

Then before I got married I took the time to figure out how to eat better. or less. My fiance was a big help. cooking fish and preparing sweet potatoes in creative ways. I lost 35 pounds in 3 months. Felt soooo good. I was a different person! A normal sized person! Ever since then… since i decided to eat better and less and workout… thats when i began to see my problem was a little bit more than just deciding and practicing self-control. 

I feel powerless at times. The cravings and urges hit and it consumes all my thoughts till i follow thru with them. Usually its in the form of ordering a pizza and eating it til i feel sick. I don’t stop a minute sooner. I can’t. I hear it calling my name. It’s terrible. I usually do a really good job about only bringing good things into the house, but when those days/moments hit, I make it happen. Delivery. Takeout. Drive thru. Usually I eat til its gone or I feel beyond sick. Its embarrassing and completely shameful. 

I thought I had this under control until i began to live on my own after the divorce and I realized that I didn’t have it under control, I just had a built in chaperon. Now mix that in with the need for comfort food. This is something I can’t beat on my own. Thank God i love to work out because i’d be going down hill fast.  

I am seeking help for this. I joined a support group that starts in a few weeks. I don’t know if it’ll help but i do know that it can’t make it worse. If nothing else its 2 hours a week i won’t be eating. Wish me luck.