Posts Tagged ‘fetlife’

jealousy tango

April 6, 2016

I finally did it. I deactivated my Fetlife account. I also blocked about a bagillion men on my phone, facebook, instagram, and snapchat. I deleted my kik app. Basically anything that might accidentally have someone drunk texting/messaging/snapping me.

Mitch is suuuuuuper jealous. And… I’m kind of nervous about that! I haven’t exactly set up a shady free life over here. I mean, I’m well on my way there now! And that’s of my OWN FREE WILL! I’m terrified that anyone of these mother fucker’s from my past will send a dick pic just because they are lonely or some bullshit. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. Why the HELL do I entertain these munchkins (munchkins? going with it) in the first place?! I really don’t know. And it’s not like it feels weird at the time… It just progresses in a way that… gets weird. I’m not particularly proud or happy and DEFINITELY not fond of it.

Any way, if it isn’t a dick pic, it’s an “I miss you” text… or a “been thinking about you” or “you still dating that guy?”… and on and on and on.

I can’t have any of these unwarranted and uninvited messages being taken as me being an interested party. NOT EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST! Mitch will take one look and be hurt and running! I can’t risk that.

I have men’s body wash in my bathroom. Mitch asked me about that. “Is it Andy’s?” Before I could think about it, I said, “No, it’s Sir T (of course i used his real name…)”… and he was asking me in the dark, but I swear I heard his eyes roll and body stiffen. It’s some damn body wash I was just too lazy to throw away… and really I wouldn’t throw it away. Really it’s not about laziness, I kept it around for Andy (is this messed up?). And I will probably use it as soon as my other stuff runs out. Because I’m super frugal like that.  It’s not something I think about.

I have a past. And I can be sad and ashamed and sorry and guilty or whatever for it… but you know what? I’m not that sad and ashamed and sorry or guilty over much of it at all. Would I nullify some of it if I had the chance? You fucking better believe it. But most of it has shaped who I am today and how I know what I’m worth. It took a lot of screwed up moments to understand all that. A LOT! And for the most part, all I feel is grateful for what my experiences has shaped me to be today. I love me. I’m awesome.

Mic drop; out.

hobby vs life style

February 23, 2016

I’ve been called out lately on something I said to someone once. I didn’t think much about it… I’m not the kind of person to have a memory that allows me to hold on to things like others do. I say things… and it’s always in passing.

Maybe this is just an excuse. A way of not being held accountable for the things I say. But I’m still pondering it.

What I said was that kink to me was like a hobby. I can take it and leave depending on where I am in life…

Now… I am NOT in anyway down playing what kink might mean to someone else. I got offended that anyone would be offended by me saying that. Of course I believe that other people can have a different opinion and a different feeling about it. I expect the same acknowledgement. But that’s slightly besides the point…

My point is… I’ve been rethinking that. Kink… a hobby. A hobby is something that you can choose to invest time in or not. It’s not a necessity. It’s something that you get heavily involved in at one point in your life and usually tappers off. It’s something you enjoy. Something you spend money on.

So… I don’t disagree that kink can be a hobby as I stated. I think a lot of those traits are relevent when talking about kink. But, you know what? I was wrong about what it is to me. While yes, it is something that I’ve been heavily involved in and not involved in at different times in the last few years, the value to me has never diminished. I will ALWAYS put d/s in a place of utmost respect and awe and longing and craving.

Anyway… I’m still working it all out. But I’d love it to be apart of my daily life again some day. Almost need. The cravings are real and they are intense.

I use to think that it’s as simple as practicing self control. Like, how someone would consider a pint of ice cream or how one would contemplate being unfaithful to a spouse. But… I was wrong. I just don’t know exactly what to make it in my life, but it is definitely beyond a doubt more to me than just a transient hobby.

kink ties

February 4, 2016

Quite often I get the, what I call, Cold Call Add on Fetlife. This is when you get a random person requesting to be friends that you have neither a) met in real life or b) exchanged any form of communication with. I typically ignore all these. They just sit there in pending status.

Last weekend I went to a party and met several fellow kinksters. I promptly added all of them… because that’s how it works. You meet people. You like people. You stay connected with people. Pretty average in my opinion.

After adding these gals (and one guy) I noticed for the first time that the people I have in friendship limbo are mutual friends of my new friends. So, on a whim, I hit accept. I accepted 3 friend reqests right then and there for no other reason than having friends in common. In any other mood I probably wouldn’t have acted so impulsively. I’m not an impulsive person. But the deed was done and that was that. Not really that big of a deal in and of itself, in my opinion.

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER I get a message from a panman… “Heard you were packing on the Doms.” Huh? Dom packing? Is that a thing? Is that even desirable???? I didn’t realize that, yes, I indeed added 3 dom types. I barely recognized the fact that they were all male. I didn’t even go check out their profiles. I just impulsively hit accept.

Poor panman. I gave him an anxiety attack because some junior high kid decided to go tattle on me. SERIOUSLY? I didn’t even realize I was doing something tattle worthy. Not to mention, apparently I’m marked as panman’s. That part doens’t bother me. The fact that some little hater out there ran to him to alert him is my issue. I know how he feels about me. And if I was still apart of the community and single I’d be all about some panman. And I definitely understand the claim he (implicitly or explicitly – doesn’t matter in this particular rant) has on me. I just got a really bad taste in my mouth from the whole thing.

I’m glad panman approached me directly about it. I am glad he trusts me enough to believe me. Wonder who else I pissed off by doing so? Wonder who else’s view of me I tarnished by doing that. But I guess their assumptions are a reflections of their character, not mine.

Since I’ve “gone vanilla” with Andy, I question why I’m still on the site anyway. I don’t want to lose those connections is really the only argument I have. And it’s not even a good one. Because why keep this kink world on a string if I also hope to live happily ever after with Andy?


December 19, 2015

Thru the community on fetlife I’ve made a new friend. I’ll refer to him as PanMan. Let me back up a bit.

I wrote about a vetting I went to a few months back. I met several people that added me on fet that night. That night I came home to a message from PanMan… he basically was saying it was nice to meet me and thought we’d have a good time if we played together. Well, at the time I thought this was incredibly audacious because I was sitting next to Sir the entire time. To be fair, Sir was pretty stoic the whole time. So I can see how PanMan might not have recognized our connection. I’m not sure if that was him protecting me or if that was just extincts and establishing his Dom presence among a room full of d/s types. I don’t know. Either way… It wasn’t a bad thing except when someone tried to introduce themselves. He had a huge wall up for whatever reason. Even so far as to not even turn his head in the direction of someone who was talking. I found it a bit odd… but didn’t question it.

Anyway, about the message. I made simple chitchat back. I kept up all the right boundaries and said it was nice meeting a Dom around my age. I don’t see that too often in this bible belt state. “Keep in touch.” We had a short back and forth after that. He recognized my point. And in the few days after that me and Sir made ourselves fetlife official. Claimed out loud. I was happy about it.

As we all know, me and Sir ended shortly after that. PanMan messaged me recently. We’ve been chatting. He’s one of those people that are really easy to get close to because he doesn’t feel the need to hold much back. It’s easy to reciprocate that.

The only thing about it is the boundaries. It’s not a gray area relationship. We are very much just friends. It’s his words. He is very complimentary. And I don’t hate that. Who would hate that?? He makes it very clear I am his type and he is attracted to me. But it’s just in words. He isn’t trying to make a move. And I feel very confident he won’t.

Maybe there isn’t a problem here. I do enjoy this friendship quite a bit. He’s had a rough patch. He’s a good talker and a good listener. Great sense of humor. I love when humor meshes like this. And truth be told he is really good for my self-esteem.

Am I playing with fire here? I would hate to hurt Andy in anyway. I would also hate if I was keeping a friendship just for my own ego… I don’t think I’m doing that here. I guess I’m just hoping I am not lying to myself about all this.

Sir T

September 11, 2015

We decided to meet for a few drinks before dinner time on Friday. As I walked up he was getting out of his car. Now… let me see… how to say this respectfully…

Remember Mr. Dimples? He oozed cute and sexy. I couldn’t stop staring. Sir T is older. He’s been in this scene for over 20 years. He started at age 17! He’s 40ish years old. That’s older than I had been looking for. But this guy’s resume is worth looking past age and, quite frankly, looks. He’s 5’11” and probably around 230/240lbs. He wears classes with a yellow tint and he has quite a gut on him. BUT, like I said, his experience in this art is intense. I could learn a whole hell of a lot from him. He has had experience with everything.

On top of that he use to be a photographer. I saw his portfolio (I guess that’s what you’d call it) and his rope work coupled with his photography skills is fantastic! Drool worthy! I’m enamored just knowing what he can do, and what he can offer me!

He started out training as a switch under a dominatrix at age 17. He was her sub, and in turn had a few subs for himself. He only subbed for her. Easy to see how valued he was to her. It’s easy to think, “Well, that’s what he SAYS anyway, but how can you know?” He has a reference list. Past subs, current subs, people he’s mentored, people he IS mentoring. It’s clear he is serious about earning my trust. It’s intense and legit from all angles that I can tell. No red flags.

He isn’t pompous or trying to read my mind or full of himself or condescending. After he says anything he asks where I stand on topics. He truly wants to know where I’ve come from and what I’m thinking. And he remembers everything I say. It’s easy to see how meticulous he is. He does everything with purpose. Every conversation, every question. There’s always layers to what he is looking for. One answer tells him 5 different things about me. I love this about him. My mind doesn’t work like this. And it’s so fascinating to recognize.

It’s hard not to wish he was a bit more on the attractive side, but like I said… he more than tips the scales in all other areas.

After a few drinks he wants to walk around the mall some. Walk off the pre-dinner beer. He takes me into a shop and picks out a few dresses. I put them on for him. I was really nervous about sizes and looking terrible in front of him. I was getting so self conscious, but, actually, it was really fun. He has a good eye. They were beautiful. They fit. Overall it was great.

At this point he is interested in taking me under his wing. And I feel completely honored. One thing I noticed about him that was different from the other guys I’d met with: I could look into his eyes. I mean… not just a passing glance… I could sit in his gaze a I didn’t feel the need to look away. I don’t feel comfortable doing this very often. It said something deep to me. Just a feeling. Maybe it’s nothing.

I just have the one hang up. R. I can’t get him off my mind.

looking back at R

September 9, 2015

Let me hit the pause button on Sir T really fast and explain a few things:

A few months before M and I started dating I was dating this guy. I didn’t write about him other than our first date… and a little vague tid bit at the bottom of this blog post and this one. I couldn’t write about him because in a moment of this-guy-really-cares-for-me-and-i-can-open-up-to-him I gave him my blog. Him and my sister are the only readers I’m not anonymous to. Anyway, I’ve been wanting to write about him for awhile now.

After our first date we didn’t see each other again for a full month. But I knew that I wanted a second date with him. I can’t really remember why it took so long… but this was during my Tinder phase so I could see how the meaningless distractions might have won out there. When you are stuck in the Tinder muck you forget what quality is because it’s so quantity based. Bleh. It’s like quick sand. Anyway…

I started seeing R on a semi regular basis. We live about 60 miles apart so it wasn’t the most convenient thing. On top of that his working hours were the opposite of mine most days. Our only common free time was Wednesday evenings, Saturday nights (post 10pm), and Sundays. This kind of schedule was working for us. I was busy. He was busy. I got to keep my social calendar. He got to…. whatever he did. But as we got closer and closer and I realized “Holy shit I think I WANT to commit to this guy” (which is a big deal because its the first time I’ve felt this since my divorce)… our schedules became too inconventient. I wanted more time with him. I wanted more. I no longer wanted casual… I wanted exclusivity. Between my on-call schedule and a few extra shifts he picked up through the week it didn’t work out. But it was one of those haunting “what-if” break ups because it was a scheduling issue, not a matter of the heart.

We still check in with each other about once a month through text. At one point we said we missed each other, but that’s where we would leave it. Then M came along. I truly feel like after me and R I was finally ready for something more than casual. So with M I jumped in full force. Poor guy didn’t stand a chance. He wasn’t where I was… I was the one that had primer already painted on. That lasted a month… a good month… but only a month. Still, I was so ready that this break up took me down. 2 months later I feel good tho. Recovered (mostly).

BUT ANYWAY! The point of this whole blog post:

On my second date with R… which was just hanging out in my apartment on opposite sides of the couch… I thought “I can see myself loving this guy.” I just said LOVE in my head on a second ‘date’! WHAT?! I just tucked that thought away. I didn’t hate the thought. Then as the night continued… still on opposite sides of the couch we started discussing the movie I had just seen with my girlfriends – 50 Shades of Grey. Now, I think that all of us in the life style have a soapbox especially made for this series, but I held my tongue because it’s hard not to get worked up about that movie and stay undercover. Welp, he didn’t stay undercover. He outed himself… He identifies as a Dom… WHAT?!?!?!? I STILL don’t say anything explicit about my submissive tendencies, but I join in the conversation enough to hopefully give off the hint. He’s not the kind of guy to tell people this. This is just how well we hit it off. This was our second 4 plus hour conversation and we were clicking in all the right places. Hell, I had the L word on the brain!

So over the next few months we had (although very limited contact) some very satisfying on every level contact. In the bedroom… a-freaking-mazing. He was dom. I was sub. I was his. And he was so fucking satisfying. I can’t get over how perfect it really was. Our kinks matched up so perfectly. He was so good at it. The trust I felt was beyond logic. Outside of the bedroom our conversations were constant and interesting. We couldn’t really get enough… which is where we started falling apart… Wanted more of everything. We would go weeks without being able to get to each other and it was torture. I would miss him so badly. Neither one of us fought hard enough to continue through that torture. But breaking it off with him was almost too easy. It was as if we hit an understood pause button… We never said it out loud, but this is how I felt. And I let life distract me. M came along and made it all the more easy.

Relevance to now??

He makes this whole dom search so hard. I can’t imagine anyone being able to recreate what R did for me emotionally and physically. Even in just the few scenes I’ve had with a few other people, while I do enjoy being a whipping post, there is this whole other level that I’ll never be able to get because R set that bar so damn high. Post scene flashbacks… with him… haunting. Every time someone contacts me about getting to know me on fetlife, I can’t help but think of R. I’m haunted by him.

Q&A with Sir T

September 8, 2015

Last Thursday (9/3/15) I was surprised to hear from a Dom on fetlife whose profile I admired a few months back. I’ll call him Sir T. It had intimidated me because he is one of those guys that is a lifer (20 years in the life style), knows what he wants, very high standards, had SEVERAL relationships listed, and just overall kind of scary intimidating all the way to the profile picture he was rocking. The pic is of a dark and gray face with lights for eyes… the whole face fading into black shadows. Not a real photo… not a person… not his picture. But haunting.

Anyway, he wrote me saying my profile had “intrigued” him. It was a loooong email introducing himself, explaining the relationships he currently has (a few long distance subs, and a few that he just protects from online predictors.) He was looking for more, and always with the end game of finding a life-long companion, but a more consistent sub at the least.

The length of his email, and the things he chose to speak about made me feel special right off the bat. He took the time to write this. He put thought into this. He is a picky guy and he has chosen to write to me. How can I have so much respect for someone I haven’t even met yet?

I see this around 2:30 in the afternoon… My first instinct is to write back and say “YES YES I’M INTERESTED! TAKE ME NOW!” but I knew he was deserving of someone a tad bit more composed than that! LOL. I decided to wait til after my run after work to reply…. but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. By the time I finished my workout and sat down to my computer at home I already had it written in my head. It spilled out of my finger tips just right.

He responds! This time he has a ton of questions written. So… I sit down around 10pm and start the answers. Some questions are extremely unconventional and HIGHLY unexpected. “what is your favorite color?” That one wasn’t hard. MINT GREEN, PLEASE! “What animal, domesticated or wild, would you choose for a pet if you could pick anything in the world?” This is hard to come up with on the spot… All I could think about was cuddling with an oversized feline… so I said as much. Then the more typical questions… “what are you looking for?” “What does d/s look like to you?” “what does a collar mean to you?” And I answered everything with about a book’s worth… You guys know me, I can get long winded – rambling on and on… I do try to keep things short so I don’t bore anyone, but sometimes there is just sooooo much to say. So about half way down the list I had to call it a night. I sent what I had so far and promised to reply before lunch with the rest of the questions answered.

“If you could get away with it, what crime would you like to commit?” Go ahead, think about this one awhile. I’m STILL THINKING ABOUT IT! lol

By 9am I had answered all of them. I felt rather accomplished. It wasn’t easy. But he positively responds and I’m so happy I’ve made him proud (and impressed him with) my responses. Not sure in which way anything I could’ve said was worthy of impressing anyone… I just answered them… Maybe he was just impressed with my word count. :-/ If you don’t hate that immediately you love it, right??? lol. That’s how I am. When I read something, if I like what I’m seeing – I love something good and long to read. Otherwise, no one will sit there and read 1000+ words of shit. But I digress.

Over the course of next day we decide to meet!


September 3, 2015

I chatted with MrMcCoy for about a week. We met each other through fetlife. He was a dom in search of a sub. And I a sub in search of her dom. I was becoming really excited about this guy. He seemed to understand the dynamic of d/s… which is important. To NOT be just one of those guys looking for some rough, disrespectful sex with someone who doesn’t have a face. He seemed to get the appreciation side and trust and respect side that is needed for a good foundation. Everything seemed pretty cool. It seemed too good. He was a dom that was around my age… I just don’t find that often with someone who isn’t already paired with their sub.

A few days into texting with this guy some red flags start popping up. He was talking to me all day, which I normally would like. I’m a text addict. But this guy was getting impatient between texts. He started talking about contracts. And different things he expected. But all while telling me all the ways he would spoil me. Buy me things. Cuddle with me. Send me flowers. Long massages. So I was taking the conversations in stride. Good and bad… things I desired and things that made me feel unsettled. But I’m the person that sees things through. I saw the potential here. And I was willing to give this guy due diligence. I WANTED it to work.

He starts asking for pictures. And not only the nudey kind. Pictures of me smile – normal selfies. Of my outfit. Of me now just because. And maybe a few naughty ones with very specific instruction on poses. He was taking ownership of me. He was testing me. He was counting my resistance… keeping a punishment tally. And if he was someone I didn’t feel so uneasy about, I would’ve LOVED this. He already claimed me! but… not so fast, Mr. Mccoy. I haven’t made any decisions yet. He got pushier but he also go lovier. I wish I could explain this better. It’s like, for every one thing he did that unsettled me, he’d say something that drew me closer.

I noticed 3 days into this that he claimed me on Fetlife. MrMcCoy is Dominant of PMD 2 days ago. WHAT!??! No, I don’t think so. How did I miss this? Shouldn’t that have been mutually decided??? Why didn’t it notify me? I don’t like this. At all. I think about this for about a day and ask him to please take that off. That we would have that discussion when and if I decided to LET him claim me. But there was something about this that made me feel terrible. As a sub, talking to someone that I was considering as a dom, I found it hard to have so much defiance. I couldn’t claim him yet tho. Too many red flags, but I had an inner struggle, because… I was FEELING claimed… against my will. How does that work? I always have doubtful moments that maybe this isn’t who I am. Then something like this happens, and its absolutely undeniable. I am a sub. He was apologetic. He thought it was going to be a good surprise to me. That he “knew” I was leaning towards saying “yes” to him. That this was just me trying to hold on to my “last bits of control”. And I had to think about this. Is this me clawing at freedom? Why would I be so desperate to hold on when I know I want this type of relationship with someone. Exactly. With someone. But was this guy it?

So we decided to meet. Dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I’m already feeling some anxiety because I have to drive an hour to meet him. Then earlier that day (this was last Sunday) he says he is too excited to wait. “Let’s meet sooner.” “OK, I can get there by 2.” So, that knocks out the dinner idea. “Where are we meeting?” I suggest a coffee shop. He says the only Starbucks in town is on campus… and you need a student ID for that. “Ok, where then?” “Lets meet at Walmart.” My anxiety shoots through the roof. A dinner at a restaurant was a very comfortable idea. A parking lot? Not so much. I call my best friend in a semi panicked state. She says in no way should I meet him like that. Find a place to sit in public. She says people at Walmart will watch you be dragged away and go out of their way to NOT get involved. People at a restaurant will step up and help. LOL. OH LORD! “Can we please meet at a coffee place?” “There are no coffee places.” Small town Arkansas for ya. 😦

I pull into Walmart next to his silver SUV. He’s cuter than his pictures. He is NOT photogenic… But this guy in front of me… yum.

Immediately he tells me I’m gorgeous. 🙂 🙂 🙂 “Thank you, sir.” He flashes me a deviant smile. I struck a good chord with addressing him so formally…. I knew it would have the same effect on him as it did to me when he called me gorgeous…

He wants to go to a park…. that doesn’t feel right. But he lets me drive so I feel more in control. He says that. So he either has me all figured out, or he cares, right?? We pull up to a fairly populated park. We grab a seat on some vacant bleachers. We chat. It’s going well. I’m feeling a bit more at ease. We get up and start walking a trail that leads to a great view. Are you yelling at me to stop going into the woods with this guy yet? Yeah… My best friend would’ve been absolutely horrified.

Into the conversation I realize he keeps making me agree with him. He’ll state an opinion and wait for me to agree. What can I do but nod my head. Then he keeps telling me how he predicts I feel about the whole situation. And again he waits for me to agree. I can’t have my own words. He keeps circling the same words. He repeats himself. Circular conversations… I hate those. So here I am… unable to have an opinion… which at this point I’m grateful for because I don’t have a good opinion of him anymore. And I can’t say that to his face. He must have sensed he was losing me.

He grabs my face and kisses me. It’s not bad. It’s surprisingly nice. He bites my neck. Shit… that felt good. He spins me around bends me over the side of rock we are hiking by. He spanks me. This is not a small pat. This is perfectly centered on my ass cheek, full force, spanking… Um. Yes, please! He does it again. Then the other cheek. I’m almost grateful I had a layer of clothes on… I know it’s showing red even still. He pulls me into him, back facing him. He’s got the perfect angle to my neck… no girl on the planet isn’t effected by that spot on her neck. He’s kissing, he’s blowing, he’s biting. I take it. All of it. Just experience it. React to it.

A twig snapped close by along the path. Brings us back to reality. Brings ME back to reality. Thankfully. It’s hard to shake it off actually. But we continue… as vanilla. Walking and talking along this path. And the view he takes me to is beautiful.

The more and more he speaks the more and more I lose respect for him. I don’t think he is full of shit. I think that he believes he IS the shit. I think he’d be a very capable dom.. in the bedroom. I don’t respect him enough for what this is going to take tho. You need respect and trust. And you can’t have one without it lending to the other. But still It’s so hard for me not to settle on this guy because I can see the potential.

As I drive home I’m already getting “I miss you” texts. And how much he likes me. How much he looks forward to me finally accepting him as dom. He KNOWS I will say yes. But he doesn’t know that I’m so unsettled by all of it. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t just want a sub. He wants some mix between a slave and a brat… and I’m not either one of those. We would both be settling in that department. He gets really smothery over the next few days. He tells me he’d like to be more than d/s… That he wants it to be a full relationship. And that just about seals it for me. No way I can do this.

I decline the position as his sub. He’s sad but understanding… He didn’t expect this decision because remember? He’s the shit.

A few hours later he tells me that his dog just got run over. He witnessed it and everything. That he took his last breath as he sent that last message. (Who has their phone in hand when there dog is dying unless they are calling the animal hospital?) I tell him I’m sorry but really what else can I do? Surely there is someone else in his life to console him, right? Was this him trying to make me feel bad and continue our relationship? Did his dog really die? Does he even have a dog? I don’t know. But again, its unsettling. And the fact that I even thought that he might lie to manipulate me assures me that I made the right decision. I have to believe, trust, and respect the person I choose as my Dom. The search continues.


August 25, 2015

It’s amazing what adding two photos, a longer descriptions, and giving a little love to a few photos will do for you on fetlife.

One picture is of my face… sort of. Half of my face super close up. This is, of course, in hopes to not make myself too recognizable, but show off my beautiful face 🙂 (Hey, I have terrible body issues, but ain’t nothing wrong with this mug!) And the second is of my body… Shorts and a black tank top with the phone strategically placed over my face. Now, if guys respond I won’t feel fake about having to prove to myself I have a worthy body. It’s out there for them to see BEFORE they message, or respond. Phew!

I took off the “newb” and added what I’m truly looking for. I know what I want. So… I took ownership of it.

I’ve gotten a few responses. It’s fairly easy to weed out the guys that claim Dom and the guys that are the real deal.

The posers:

  • They want nudes, like, yesterday. Um… excuse me? I just “met” you. I may be kink… but that does not make me easy. Truth be told, I don’t know how my willingness is tied to my body image… I’m not gonna say I wouldn’t be all about some nude selfies if I thought I could rock these stretch marks. LOL. BUT STILL… have some respect. Show interest in my heart and mind because even if it’s a play relationship it still is A RELATIONSHIP of sorts. The d/s bond is fucking amazing… and I need to see that you value that too. It starts in conversation one.
  • They want to clear the air with sex. “It’s been so long that it is probably necessary for your well being that we start that way.” WHAT. :-\ Don’t make me (sarcastic) laugh. If I thought you couldn’t control yourself, we are not playing together EVER. No matter how long it’s been. What this is code for is that this isn’t a Dom. It’s a man that likes it rough. A man that just wants sex and doesn’t care who he gets it from. Again… this is SUPPOSED to be a relationship. There’s give and take to it. I’m not going to be a random place holder. That only hurts my heart. Been there. Done that. And done WITH that.
  • Talking about sex on the first meet up!!? No. Having a play date on the first day I see you in person?? No. No. No. There are exceptions to this… but it’s not what I’m looking for.
  • They talk about condoms right off the bat. “I don’t do gloves.” Well, actually…. “Yes, I am on birth control.” But 1) I REALLY REALLY don’t want a kid 2) I DON’T KNOW YOU! 3) The latest stat is 1 out of every 3 people has some sort of STD/STI…. Let’s take our time here, k? K. In fact. Why aren’t YOU more worried? I don’t mind proving my clean bill of health, and I can expect the same.

The more legitimate ones will start with questions about my preferences. About my expectations. About my hopes and dreams and future aspirations that have nothing to do with my body or what my body can do for them. They ask about my experiences in the community. How I got to where I am today. Why this is what I want. They genuinely want to know what they are walking into. They know that my weaknesses will be their responsibility. They know that I’m entrusting them with me and my safely. They have a full rounded perspective of what this means. And they cannot begin to tell you the appreciation that much trust gives them. They know how much they will be asking of me.

I’m pretty pumped about the possibility of 2 of them. One in particular. But more on him later.

Here’s to a better week than last!

happy place

July 24, 2015

Well, Melissa didn’t call. I didn’t workout. But I could’ve done it worse… Could’ve had all 8 pieces of the pie…. instead of just two… and I could’ve bought and ate a whole bag of Doritos instead of simply naked pita chips…………..

I feel disgusting. And ashamed. And I need to turn this around. A-fucking-SAP.

I woke up with piercing pain in my right temple. BUt duh… I ate like shit this week after eating to perfection for 4 weeks prior. Shocked my system to say the least. I need to find my new happy place….

And I think I know where that is. I found… an outlet. A fetlife friend. He is already in a relationship. An open one. Well, only open enough for him to let out his Dom. His primary relationship is vanilla. And it matches my needs right now. I’m hung up on a guy that I can’t have, and need an outlet myself. It’s so weird to crave something that’s not been part of my life for too long. Less than a year… and yet I know that experiencing any kind of pain (or what I call having a pain/pleasing relationship) would be so perfect right now. I could shake off the heartache. Find motivation in that.

I find this difficult to write about almost. Knowing that it doesn’t make sense to some people. Why would someone want to experience pain? Why would someone want to bring yourself to basically the level of slave and servant to someone for a little while (at least). I don’t know.

But I’ve been thinking lately about a lot of aspects of this. When you feel pain you feel pleasure at an even higher degree. When he’s happy I’m even happier. When he is proud, I am on top of the world. When I endure I am brave and strong and I did it well!! ——>craving to say the least right now… but only because I KNOW, somehow I know, that this will help to heal me. If only for a release of everything I’m holding onto on the inside. In those moments of submission EVERYTHING comes out. You don’t hide anything you feel. You let your reactions shine thru. Raw. You let go of all facades. It’s alllll gone. It disappears. And I NEVER let go. I’m the kind of person that can consume a six pack or a whole bottle of wine and still think about every word I say. Need that nakedness. It’s the only time I know how, or want to show all. I want that. I want to be vulnerable and exposed. I have so much need for that right now.

I will meet him soon and see how we connect in person.

I thought about reaching out to a few people I’ve done this with in the past. One of them I’m worried would be too difficult because there is history of feelings. A lot of feelings on both our parts. And existing feelings. I think about him and I wish to be there in his arms… then experience those arms in full force. It’s almost too hard to resist. Just thinking about it is intoxicating. But that’s why I can’t put myself in that position. Because I’m heartbroken. And I don’t believe that is a healthy way to fix my heartache. Even if we do have a future (or especially if we have a future)… It isn’t going to work if I’m recovering. And the other guy… Not enough pain. He’s not a masochist… he likes the control more than the pain infliction and I need to find a better match.

Here’s to my new happy place. I feel better just writing about it. Happy Friday, all.