Posts Tagged ‘family’

personal boundaries

October 10, 2017

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. You know how when you pray for patience you should expect the opportunity to practice it instead of just being given good patience magically? Well as soon as I put this intention about my boundaries out into the universe the universe handed me a boatload of opportunities to stick up for myself. 

I had a guy that abasically assaulted me years ago call me. Ok… So that one was easy… But the universe knew I needed a softball to get my feet wet. Then another guy that use to be a playmate asked to scene with me, and I was able to shut him down because of his current relationship status. I wasn’t interested in being the chick on the side even if it was just to scene with. 

All those were just practice for this one tho… My father. Specifically his girlfriend. A girl that is younger than me and hooked on drugs. I’m the only one out of all my siblings that will even allow this girl in my current place of residency. They came over and stayed the night. She ended up stealing some of my clothes. There’s a huge long back story to all this that I don’t have the energy to go into, but I finally did it. I cut my father off. Well, until he ditches the addict. I know I know.  You might say the heart wants what it wants, but my father does not want this chick. If she made him happy this would be a different story. He keeps telling me he feels trapped. And she’s abusive. But that’s all part of that long back story. It’s unhealthy and I can no longer be in support of it. And stealing my clothes… Ugh. Maybe I’ll go in to more detail at another time. Sigh. 

Anyway. Somehow the universe gave me a fuse just short enough to be able to build some much needed walls. 

It’s interesting to me… I’m so gracious with people. And for the most part I love this about me. It makes me unique. It’s my super power and why I’m such a good friend. But lately I’ve just been railroaded because of it. Gracious to a fucking fault. Which is sad because like I said I really like this about me. Usually. I know there’s a balance… I need to take this gift I have and make it a better art form. Sprinkle in some discernment. And make sure I am kept safe while being the best me possible.

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more what?

December 20, 2016

While me and my little brother were talking about life and love and happiness over a few beers he said a few things to me that got me thinking.

He told me I deserved so much more than what I was grasping for in life. He specifically meant my love life. He’s met my current guy and while he doesn’t disapprove he thinks that I can do better.

I deserve more.

I keep thinking about this lately.

And do I? Do I deserve more? Why? Why does anyone deserve anything? What is more? I can’t stop thinking about this. Frankly, I don’t agree with him. Not that I think that I don’t have enough now. I just don’t know that I agree that I’m 1) deserving of more or 2) in need of more. It’s one thing if I’m being treated badly or if I’m being ignored. But what is this more he speaks of? Am I missing something I don’t even realize? Should my self worth reflect what I have or what I *should* have?

I don’t have answers today. Just questions… hardly questions… just thoughts. I’ve always been good at not needing answers.

my sister: the rock star

June 13, 2016

So, I’m in Louisiana with my sister this week. She is 39 weeks pregnant and ready to dispense this child at any second.

I honestly don’t know how she does the things that she does. She is a rock star. And not just the fact that at 39 weeks pregnant and counting she is still running 2 miles a day. Not just because of where she got in her career at such a young age. And not just because the awesome humans she is raising. She just has a way of dealing with life that is so admirable to me.

My niece is 4. And the biggest diva. She’s both demon and angel within the same breath. To say she is a bit difficult is an understatement. So sweet tho! She’s a little cuddle bug. She’s full of random “I love you”s and excitement just at the sight of you coming in the door. She has such a big heart. She’s sassy and sure. She has life all figured out. If these darn adults could just get out of her way!

And my nephew… He’s 10. He looooves video games. He’s so so smart. He is so sensitive too. He is just like I was. Except his feelings are closer to the surface. I was the kid that didn’t participate because I was terrified at embarrassing myself. And when I did embarrass myself I’d clam up. This kid visibly holds back tears. I know exactly how he feels. And I can’t wait for him to figure out what I have in my lifetime. But it’s his own to figure out. One day he’ll realize every one has fears. Every one has insecurities. And its okay to mess up. It’s okay to not know what you are doing. It’s okay. He’ll get there. Just hate that it’ll take him more than 20 years to get there. He’ll get there. Don’t you wish our wisdom was easier accepted by those that haven’t taken our path yet? But we humans don’t work that way. We are too curious. We aren’t satisfied with other’s experiences and outcomes. We have to trial and error all on our own. He’ll get there.

I love when he is having a good time. His smile is beautiful. He’s a handsome boy already, but when he smiles it changes his whole face and it’s just beyond this world adorable and lovely. I just love it. This kid. He creates such good emotion in me that it hurts from bursting at the seams.

Back to my sister. She’s amazing. She puts up with so much judgment from people and family that it makes me sick. But she just works it. I don’t know how she ignores it. My sensitive soul would have me hiding in the corner… no hiding under the rock in the corner. Or  moving to Alaska. But she just proves to every one how inadequate they are and how rock star she is. She conquers everything life hands her.

She has/does the same fuck ups the rest of us have had and done. She gambles the same way the rest of us do with our decisions. But life always gave her the hardest out comes. She just kind of gathers them all up and adds them to her trophy case. I’ll always look up to her for how she handles things.

I’ve been here a week and I want to tear my eyes out because of the kids and the noise and the activity going on. I love them, but why do we have to have cartoons, video games, and noisy toys all going on at once?!?! And this is her life.

Maybe one day I’ll be as cool as her. But I’m not holding my breath for it!

xmas w/ the fam

December 30, 2015

Christmas went way better than I expected it would. You know, when your expectations are way up here you are usually disappointed?

Well, my expectations took a nose dive after being so upset with my brother. Then my mom announced she was bringing her fiance. A few things to note: 1) the brother I was upset with hadn’t met him yet, him or his wife, 2) my dad was also coming to the event. He also hadn’t met this new guy. So this brings expectations even lower in anticipation of all the awkwardness. I am actually really happy he decided to brave this situation. This meeting is well overdue.

Then to lower it as much as it could possibly be lowered my dad gets all huffy and decides that if mom is bringing her significant other then so will he. Other note worthy facts: 1) his girlfriend is a narcotics addict that has been to prison recently and now lives with my father and 2) She is younger than me. BLEH!

No more fucks could possibly be given. So… me and A got in my car and headed that way. we made a pit stop for beer. A lot of beer. I’ve never known a better day for some day drinking. I even thought in honor of my dad’s GF that we should all start the whole day out with some pills… just, you know, whatever she had on her. (Bad joke, I know. No, I’m not weirded out at all by a younger-than-me, ex-con dating my father.)

We get there… and in true addict form, my dad’s GF bailed. So, there was one thing that could’ve gone worse. I watched as my mom introduced her fiance (my dad has no clue they are engaged… I don’t even think he knows they live together). Everyone was very… friendly.

Me and A were already 2 beers in upon arrival – pre lunch… we were doing great! We pretty much handed out the beer like breath mints to all my siblings… Can someone make popcorn??

Just kidding… there was never a show to be entertained by. I knew my family was too passive aggressive for that. What else can we smooth under that rug in the front room?? We made it through lunch and gift exchange. Mom and her fiance left. Soon after my dad left. Us kids went back to the liquor store and got round two. We sat on his patio (because in Arkansas it was in the 70s!) and watched the boys smoke cigars.

Me and A took our tipsy selves back to his place that evening. Feeling good and grateful that it didn’t get any worse. And before I knew it we were celebrating the Christmas end in a party for 2 🙂

merry christmas eve eve!

December 23, 2015

This season has taken a dramatic 180! Just going thru my post I see this roller coaster tho. What a girl! Talk about emotion whip lash!

I was so upset last week. Christmas plans were crumbling at the seems. I’ve never been so upset with a sibling…. well, that might not be true. Sibling hate burns more than any other burn I’ve experienced. But sibling love doesn’t have a whole lot of rivals either.

For the last few days I’ve been able to host my sister and her kids. It’s so much fun to get to spend time with them. Me and my sister can cut up and we are laughing and no older than 10. giggling at nothing and everything. Sometimes there aren’t even words and we break out in a laugh in unison.

This is what this time of year is all about. While I’m still pretty annoyed with my brother… I’m sure when we do our gift exchange Saturday it’ll be enjoyable. For all of 4 hours while I’m there anyway. I’m being a tad bit vindictive this year. Which normally is NOT like me at all. But I’m posting as many pics with my sister and niece and nephew and my mom so that when my brother and sister in law browse Facebook they get envious of all my family time. It’s pretty immature, but… so. :p <— just to clarify that’s a mean tongue stick out not a cute smiley tone stick out.

I had a gift exchange with my girlfriends on Monday night. Wow, they did a great job! I felt like I needed to go out and upgrade everything I got them! Next year… it’s on. I’m cranking it up a notch!

This evening’s plans consist of Star Wars at the theater with my family and A. Then friends and family watching Nightmare Before Christmas while we play some games at my place.

I wish I didn’t have to work this week, but I don’t mind staying up with friends and family and sleeping at work!

A will be here when I get off of work today and I cannot wait to hug his neck!

pity party

December 16, 2015

We had our Christmas luncheon today for work. They try to make it fun for us. They always have a skit or a talent show or something planned. Always a fun time. Usually I’m part of the entertainment. This year I wasn’t asked. And I didn’t think much about it. Was happy I wouldn’t have to practice for something and experience soooooo many nerves the day of.

So I head to the lunch. I car pool with a few of the guys on my team. Turns out that they did have a skit planned… and a few songs performed.

It was a Family Feud skit. How fun, right?! WRONG. BIG FAT WRONG. It would’ve been hilarious. Okay, I did enjoy most of it, but my ex-husband was in the skit. Ugh. Great. I can deal. We get along. Just hate his presence being thrown in my face all the damn time.

Like, when I get on facebook. I’ve taken great care to make sure he doesn’t pop up on my feed. On any social media for that matter. But when I get on facebook or snapchat and I see my little brother (who currently lives in my old house with my ex husband and ex dog) post pics of my old fire place with my dog it hits me really really hard. My little brother IS ON A DAMN CHRISTMAS CARD with my ex and his friends this year. So so so sensitive is my family towards me, right? I FUCKING HATE IT.

Anyway, the ex exits the stage. Raffle drawing. Christmas cake. Yada yada yada. “And two beautiful ladies have prepared a song to sing for us.”

This is the sort of situation that a flask was created for… Or you know that pill that people get embedded under the skin between their index finger and thumb with a poisonous pill that kills you instantly…?

Who gets up? My ex husband’s ex mistress. And singing about Mary and baby Jesus no less!

To round out the wonderful day I had I come home to a message from my family saying we aren’t doing our Christmas thing til the 26th… and that we can’t crash with them at all… I’ll have to get a hotel and I can’t bring my pup. Thanks for the full 10 days notice. Original plan? Wee were all bunking at my brothers on Christmas eve after a Christmas eve service together. We were going to play cards and drink eggnog.  I was taking my pup, and we were all going to wake up and open gifts and drink coffee. It’s tradition.

I’m pissed at my brother for changing plans. And I cry when I’m mad. So I’m going to bed with tear filled eyes, and puffy cheeks from wiping tears away. And inviting my pillow to join me. Rational or not, I’m indulging in this pity party. HMPH!

Moving day

May 4, 2015

“Is it okay if I move in with Jeff?”

“Um… Jeff? My ex, Jeff?”

“Yeah. Just wanted to check with you. I already asked him. He’s cool with it.”

“Um…”

“I don’t have money. I plan on getting a job after graduation. But right now I can’t afford an apartment. And all my fraternity brothers are headed out of town for the summer. No one is sticking around for me to room with.”

“I mean…. If you have no other option. I kind of hate that. It hurts my feelings. I understand the practicality of it all. I’m a rational person, but could you keep looking for other options?”

“Well, if it hurts your feelings then I’ll make something else work.”

“Thanks, bro. I appreciate it.”

2 months later…

“Hey, sis. I need some man power today. Think you could help me move?”

“Are you serious? I can do it. But would like you to be mindful about requests like that in the future. It’s not easy moving my brother to my old house. With my ex.”

“WOW. Sorry that was really inconsiderate of me.”

Sigh… “Just think about it in the future. I’ll be there in an hour.”

IS HE KIDDING AT ALL! NOT AT ALL! What from that first conversation makes him ‘not even think about that’. Do I NOT look human? Do I look like a robot with no feelings? Because that is my only explaination for being so disregarded. BY MY OWN FAMILY!

I really, truly don’t feel like a push over. I just really wanted to be able to help him. But… I don’t know. I’m constantly conflicted when it comes to my family and their current relationship with my ex. But what can I do if that is what they choose? I can only say so much. I don’t think a little consideration from a sibling/parent is too much to ask. I really really don’t.

I didn’t have any other plans that day. I happen to have gotten all my chores out of the way that particular Sunday. It kind of worked out perfectly… except for his new address. I wanted to be able to help him. To be a good sister about it… I’m nice like that. “Nice.” It’s almost a bad word these days, right? Can’t be nice if you are looking out for yourself? I like nice. I like being nice. I like the fact that people know they can count on me. I won’t stop doing that because somewhere along the lines someone takes advantage of me without even realizing it.

He thinks it is temporary… He said he only needed a place to be for a month, but even if he got a job today he wouldn’t have his first paycheck for another 4 weeks. And I doubt his first paycheck will be enough to cover the first month of rent and all deposits… He’ll be there all summer and beyond… watch. I’m calling it now.

It’s actually a funny situation… if you aren’t me.

At least it was a good workout. Lots of sweating on a beautiful day. I like feeling productive. <– how’s that for silver lining.

trending

April 4, 2015

Last night I was on my way to a baseball game.

Rewind for a sec: I’ve spent the last few weeks in some sort of funk. And really I get a little mad at times where I’m in a funk and it isn’t hormone related… I mean seriously? I am going to have at least 2 days a month that I am check-myself-into-a-mental-hospital depressed just because I was born a woman. Don’t get me started on how unfair this is. ANYWAY! I’ve been truly sad. The stressors of life were getting to me, and I couldn’t do my normal shake-if-off impression of Taylor Swift that I am normally a professional at. And not in a bottle-it-up sort of way but in a real way. A way that I can move on from a moment or situation with ease. No skin off my back. All is forgiven. It’s over and I won’t think about it again. I couldn’t get to the bottom of my sadness even tho I could definitely pinpoint a few building blocks.

Side note for a sec: I’m in the process of formulating an opinion one way or another that sad and happy are just a chemical reaction in our heads. I know that scientifically this is true… but is it the chicken or the egg? Are we sad because that is our reaction or are we sad because of some fluke going on in our body and our body is just completely fucking with us. I am getting way off subject here. I forget how much is in my head till I get my first cup of coffee going and open up my “new post” box.

Okay, so I’m headed to a baseball game. My little brother is in the passenger seat next to me and I realize, and it hits me like a brick, that I am truly happy in this moment. Almost Euphoric. My first instinct is to share that fact.

Let me ramble for a sec: For some reason my little brother – who really isn’t little at all and just turned 23, no… 22… 23? – turned off the radio… which in itself is quite out of character. This boy is a mix of Drake and Michael Buble and has some serious talent. Don’t tell him I said that because he already knows and my other siblings and I can’t afford for his ego to get any bigger. He holds the opinion (and I 100% agree) that car rides are meant for mini concerts of your favorite music. We talk for almost the entire trip which was about 2.5 hours with Memphis traffic when we finally pull into the parking deck. Both my brother and I are not very chatty individuals… it’s why I blog, not despite it. And he comments on this fact that the music has been off and we’ve been talking and he enjoyed it… in fact enjoyed it so much that he didn’t realize it had been so long.

Pure happiness. chicken or the egg. Was this chemical induced or a chemical reaction? Oh well… the world may never know. Well, actually science has probably figured it out long ago and I just don’t understand it.

Okay, back to the point here. I wanted to share the fact that I was happy. In this moment. Sitting in my car. I was blissful. And everyone needs to know it. Why was this a reaction? I mean, I understand the explosion and popularity of facebook shows that this is a normal human reaction. But is it a new trend in life? Like consuming too much sugar as a society because that is the trend of things? Wow, way off topic now… sugar discussion later – I know you are on pins and needles about that one. But why do we feel the need to have these feelings and experiences known? Why is it so overwhelming that I could put my life and the life of my baby brother in danger to send a text simply stating “It’s a good moment” or “I am so happy right now.” Why can’t we simply validate ourselves. Why can’t it be enough that right now, in this moment, perfection is reached in the not-so-balancing hormones in my brain?

I find it a flaw with us as humans in this day and age. I feel like it’s a mistake. I feel like it’s a bad habit. Yes, a bad habit. We need rehab. We need to figure out why we can’t just go through life loving the moments and enjoying things and not needing to do all this posting and tagging and hashtagging. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big big fan of the #hashtag but I just wonder if there is something underlying in our society, in the trend of the day, that will come out in a few years to show some serious harm in our mental statutes. What are these long term effects of social media… and texting… and always having the world at our fingertips… always having the world’s validation at our fingertips. And I want that more than the next person. Nay, NEEEEED that. A scary thought to me. I don’t have answers… and maybe it is completely harmless. But I think I would like to take a step back and see if I can find myself enough for myself.

Does any of this makes sense?