Posts Tagged ‘facebook’

pity party

December 16, 2015

We had our Christmas luncheon today for work. They try to make it fun for us. They always have a skit or a talent show or something planned. Always a fun time. Usually I’m part of the entertainment. This year I wasn’t asked. And I didn’t think much about it. Was happy I wouldn’t have to practice for something and experience soooooo many nerves the day of.

So I head to the lunch. I car pool with a few of the guys on my team. Turns out that they did have a skit planned… and a few songs performed.

It was a Family Feud skit. How fun, right?! WRONG. BIG FAT WRONG. It would’ve been hilarious. Okay, I did enjoy most of it, but my ex-husband was in the skit. Ugh. Great. I can deal. We get along. Just hate his presence being thrown in my face all the damn time.

Like, when I get on facebook. I’ve taken great care to make sure he doesn’t pop up on my feed. On any social media for that matter. But when I get on facebook or snapchat and I see my little brother (who currently lives in my old house with my ex husband and ex dog) post pics of my old fire place with my dog it hits me really really hard. My little brother IS ON A DAMN CHRISTMAS CARD with my ex and his friends this year. So so so sensitive is my family towards me, right? I FUCKING HATE IT.

Anyway, the ex exits the stage. Raffle drawing. Christmas cake. Yada yada yada. “And two beautiful ladies have prepared a song to sing for us.”

This is the sort of situation that a flask was created for… Or you know that pill that people get embedded under the skin between their index finger and thumb with a poisonous pill that kills you instantly…?

Who gets up? My ex husband’s ex mistress. And singing about Mary and baby Jesus no less!

To round out the wonderful day I had I come home to a message from my family saying we aren’t doing our Christmas thing til the 26th… and that we can’t crash with them at all… I’ll have to get a hotel and I can’t bring my pup. Thanks for the full 10 days notice. Original plan? Wee were all bunking at my brothers on Christmas eve after a Christmas eve service together. We were going to play cards and drink eggnog.  I was taking my pup, and we were all going to wake up and open gifts and drink coffee. It’s tradition.

I’m pissed at my brother for changing plans. And I cry when I’m mad. So I’m going to bed with tear filled eyes, and puffy cheeks from wiping tears away. And inviting my pillow to join me. Rational or not, I’m indulging in this pity party. HMPH!

the dress (reunion part 1)

October 6, 2015

Remember when Sir T took me into the mall the very first day I met him and had me try on a few dresses?? Well, a few weeks later I went back and bought that cute little black dress for my upcoming reunion. And truth be told I was super nervous to actually wear this. It’s definitely the tightest dress I’ve ever worn. I’ve lost 15 pounds this summer, for a total of 50 pounds in the past 6.5 years. And it is taking quite a while for my eyes to catch up to my scale… actually I believe I’ll never see myself accurately in a mirror. So, I stressed about this dress that is showing off my new figure, having to put my trust in others to tell me I look good in it. And to convince myself that my eyes are lying to me. My insecurity is a bastard intent on me hating myself.

Anyway, I tried on this dress every day for a week before my 10 year high school reunion in hopes I would somehow see it right. I took pics. I shared pics with my closest girl friends. They all told me the same thing. Do it. Wear it. You look fantastic. One of my really close friends told me not to pack a second option. She knows me well!

Me and my twin and a few other girls from my class that were bunking together for the reunion were all getting ready. I let myself doubt for just a few more minutes. I put on the dress (and hello! Duh, I put on a girdle too!) and looked in the mirror one last time. I told myself that once I hit that hotel hallway I was NOT going to say one more negative thing about myself. And I didn’t. And after the second beer I didn’t even think about it! Two is always my magic number 🙂

We had a small class and even less people showed up. But all my friends from high school that I would’ve considered close (at least back then) were there! And I had a blast! The girls couldn’t believe I’d lost so much weight. One guy told me he didn’t even recognize me. That all felt really good. I was enjoying myself.

It’s crazy to see all the guys I graduated with being dads and husbands now. Reunions will never be the same now that facebook exists. We don’t have to ask questions like how many kids do you have or what are you doing these days. We see most people on a day to day basis… posting pics of kids and life events. But still seeing them all, it hit me… all these real adults in the room. I mean, they aren’t fooling me. I now know what it feels like to be an adult… and its not very adult feeling at all! But still! these guys that use to shoot the shit in high school are now providing for new human beings in this world. It’s cool!

But also, thanks to facebook (and partly due to small town rumors), I didn’t have to go around saying “I’m divorced” to all 41 of my classmates all night. I never once said it in a serious way. I made a joke that half was a piggy back off my sister’s joke with our cab driver (and Fred, our cab driver, could quite possibly be a blog post all its own) and THAT WAS IT! Very nice surprise.

As I looked around I couldn’t help but notice one guy in particular. It’s another crazy thing to have someone pop out at you so strongly when you’ve known them since you were 11. And they have never struck you in any way good or bad before. He’s been completely neutral to me for my whole life.

Now, I simply cannot go on with this blog until I share what happened that night. I’ve kept this in for a full week and a couple days now and I’m about to burst with words!!! Stay tuned!


April 4, 2015

Last night I was on my way to a baseball game.

Rewind for a sec: I’ve spent the last few weeks in some sort of funk. And really I get a little mad at times where I’m in a funk and it isn’t hormone related… I mean seriously? I am going to have at least 2 days a month that I am check-myself-into-a-mental-hospital depressed just because I was born a woman. Don’t get me started on how unfair this is. ANYWAY! I’ve been truly sad. The stressors of life were getting to me, and I couldn’t do my normal shake-if-off impression of Taylor Swift that I am normally a professional at. And not in a bottle-it-up sort of way but in a real way. A way that I can move on from a moment or situation with ease. No skin off my back. All is forgiven. It’s over and I won’t think about it again. I couldn’t get to the bottom of my sadness even tho I could definitely pinpoint a few building blocks.

Side note for a sec: I’m in the process of formulating an opinion one way or another that sad and happy are just a chemical reaction in our heads. I know that scientifically this is true… but is it the chicken or the egg? Are we sad because that is our reaction or are we sad because of some fluke going on in our body and our body is just completely fucking with us. I am getting way off subject here. I forget how much is in my head till I get my first cup of coffee going and open up my “new post” box.

Okay, so I’m headed to a baseball game. My little brother is in the passenger seat next to me and I realize, and it hits me like a brick, that I am truly happy in this moment. Almost Euphoric. My first instinct is to share that fact.

Let me ramble for a sec: For some reason my little brother – who really isn’t little at all and just turned 23, no… 22… 23? – turned off the radio… which in itself is quite out of character. This boy is a mix of Drake and Michael Buble and has some serious talent. Don’t tell him I said that because he already knows and my other siblings and I can’t afford for his ego to get any bigger. He holds the opinion (and I 100% agree) that car rides are meant for mini concerts of your favorite music. We talk for almost the entire trip which was about 2.5 hours with Memphis traffic when we finally pull into the parking deck. Both my brother and I are not very chatty individuals… it’s why I blog, not despite it. And he comments on this fact that the music has been off and we’ve been talking and he enjoyed it… in fact enjoyed it so much that he didn’t realize it had been so long.

Pure happiness. chicken or the egg. Was this chemical induced or a chemical reaction? Oh well… the world may never know. Well, actually science has probably figured it out long ago and I just don’t understand it.

Okay, back to the point here. I wanted to share the fact that I was happy. In this moment. Sitting in my car. I was blissful. And everyone needs to know it. Why was this a reaction? I mean, I understand the explosion and popularity of facebook shows that this is a normal human reaction. But is it a new trend in life? Like consuming too much sugar as a society because that is the trend of things? Wow, way off topic now… sugar discussion later – I know you are on pins and needles about that one. But why do we feel the need to have these feelings and experiences known? Why is it so overwhelming that I could put my life and the life of my baby brother in danger to send a text simply stating “It’s a good moment” or “I am so happy right now.” Why can’t we simply validate ourselves. Why can’t it be enough that right now, in this moment, perfection is reached in the not-so-balancing hormones in my brain?

I find it a flaw with us as humans in this day and age. I feel like it’s a mistake. I feel like it’s a bad habit. Yes, a bad habit. We need rehab. We need to figure out why we can’t just go through life loving the moments and enjoying things and not needing to do all this posting and tagging and hashtagging. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big big fan of the #hashtag but I just wonder if there is something underlying in our society, in the trend of the day, that will come out in a few years to show some serious harm in our mental statutes. What are these long term effects of social media… and texting… and always having the world at our fingertips… always having the world’s validation at our fingertips. And I want that more than the next person. Nay, NEEEEED that. A scary thought to me. I don’t have answers… and maybe it is completely harmless. But I think I would like to take a step back and see if I can find myself enough for myself.

Does any of this makes sense?