Posts Tagged ‘emotional hunger’

velcro

June 10, 2016

mike

He wants to be my daddy. And I’d love that. He would be a good one. I know he would be. One major catch tho. He works in Tokyo and travels a shit ton. I need some skin on skin time to know whether I can have him as my daddy on a permanent basis. Could I handle being collared by someone so far off?

panman

He wants to scene me. And that is all we would be. Play partners. Him and mommy are still together and seem to be doing good I guess. I wish they would just close off their relationship and he would stop tugging at me. I want to scene with him. I just know that it’ll be more drama than its worth. I don’t want mommy mad at me. panman wants me to be a permanent fixture in his life, but how can that work. Counter intuitive to this particular blog post, I’m completely monogamous when my heart is involved.

Trip

Some desperate guy that messages me randomly and I don’t know why. He says we should hang out but then never follows through. More of an annoyance actually. I think I’ll ghost him. I don’t normally do that, but he is so so random. I don’t understand how someone I don’t know at all will come at my beck and call… any time of day or night. Wish I could say I haven’t tested him on that… I don’t know him that well, but he’s handsome and nice and strong and has a good job and all this surface stuff that makes the desperation vibe feel out of place.

coach

This guy lives 2 hours away and works 1 hour away. He expects me to always do the leg work. “come see me.” Boy, please! I ain’t that desperate. Plus, if I go down there I KNOW that he’ll want me to pay for a hotel room because he lives with his brother and heaven forbid anyone know I exist. He thinks I’m an idiot. He’s the biggest mooch I’ve ever dealt with. I pretty much just keep saying no.

R

I don’t know why he isn’t jumping at me. He always says he wants to. And he never ever follows through. Normally he can’t. He works to much. But now he has fallen into a better position with more money and less hours and still… where is he? I’d love to try a relationship with him at some point. I just don’t know why he drags his feet. I suppose he could just be a huge liar. And say he wants wants wants us to happen but really could he just be too lazy or un-enthused to make it happen? I don’t get this one. I swear he says he wants me and loves me even. But I don’t know why there’s no follow through. Is he waiting on me? I feel it when we are together. Something good and solid could be here. I’m confused tho. Obviously my reading skills are off on this one. But surely that connection I feel isn’t fake. That would be hard to fabricate, right?

trey

Oh trey. Gah, you are growing on me. I haven’t seen him since Sunday and truth be told I kind of miss him.

stephen

What in the world are you doing messaging me. You live in Ohio. lol I don’t get it. Just boredom??

m

Why do you have to string me along. I had (have?) so much love for you. The what ifs… and maybe down the roads… are driving me insane. I wanted that with you… want? Last June I wouldn’t given ANYTHING to have it. And still you say let’s try in the future.

—-

I’m so jumbled up by mitch. I feel like I’m clinging and could cling to anything right now. I feel like Velcro. I could stick to anything. And things are sticking to me. And all that’s happening is I’m getting a little dirty. Sigh. My nerves feel shot. I feel all over the place. flailing. I’m sad. I just thought mitch was going to be it… now I’m in the muck again. And I’m allowing all of it to happen. I am letting myself become this girl. Some of it is fun, but mainly I’m just passing the time. I’m just covering up the hurt I feel. I’m using and being used. I know I am. I just… don’t know what else to do right now. Feels like I can’t help but go down this path…

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cheese dip and workouts

April 4, 2016

I just had my yearly review. I’ve been anxious about it for a week now. So so so anxious. It went fine. Nothing unexpected happened or was said.

But the anxiousness leaves me hungry. I’m starving! Emotional hunger is so so real. I can’t believe how real it feels some times.

I know its not real because the only thing that would satisfy this hunger is cheese dip and chips. That’s all I can think about right now. It’s an hour and 10 minutes until my lunch break. I’ve got to figure a healthy way to curb this, but no resolution is coming to mind.

That’s a lie.

I just keep diverting my attention back to cheese dip.

I’ve got a very rigorous workout schedule planned for this week. I’m keenly aware of the fact that I’m pushing it to the point that I can’t lie to myself about the healthiness of it.

I’m rationalizing the fuck out of all of it! It’s insane.

I’ve got 6 crossfit classes planned. 2 of those are AM sessions. I need to add in some long rows after class too. One treadmill interval workout. And a bike ride or two. Also, going to the driving range with mitch… but that one barely counts.

See it’s not THAT crazy. Nah. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll be super sore by Wednesday, but don’t worry, I’ll eat plenty. :-\

binge/detox

March 28, 2016

I binged yesterday.

I can say this a hell of a lot more than I say this.

Had my first hiccup with mitch. It spun me out a little bit.

I feel awful today. Me and mitch worked it out fine. He has some jealousy baggage from past relationships that he tried to drop on my doorstep. I shut that down. And quick. We will be stronger than that. Done.

But I still needed ice cream. So I made that happen. Also, dinner was a fiasco. At least I did it with the food that was in the fridge already.

Usually I don’t stop til everything is gone. Which is not good on a day where I just did meal prep for the week. Could’ve wasted all my efforts.

At least this binge didn’t clean me out this time or effect my pocket book more than the cost of the ice cream… as in… I didn’t splurge on $30 – $50 on food delivery like I normally do when the urge hits.

My stomach hates me today. I’m exhausted too. Coincidence? Not a chance. Of course I already got my compensatory workout in at 6am this morning.

And again, we are at a detox Monday. Is this going to be my whole life?

something right

November 13, 2015

I think I’ve been making a mistake by only looking at the bad moments and asking what is going wrong.

I think intuitively my process (of working through my binge/emotional eating disorder) has been:

  • Learn to recognize the bad moments while in a bad moment.
  • Think about why this moment is bad. Be extremely specific and focus on what emotion I am feeling.
  • Learn from that going forward, whether its eliminating the source or finding productive ways to deal with it other than eating.

But what if the question isn’t what is wrong in the bad moments, but asking what is right in the good moments? Why shouldn’t we practice mindfulness in the good times too?

I’ve had a kickass week. K I C K A S S !

I never once had a binge moment. Or even a thought of binging. I never had to struggle with it at all. Usually I’m neck deep in should I order chef shuttle or not EVERY NIGHT. Getting as far as the check out page and closing the browser only to jump back on chef shuttle and repeat. Not once this week!

It could simply be it’s that sweet spot week that my hormone levels aren’t crazy. Which would be really sad because that would mean that 50-75% of my child bearing years are just damned to sabotage me. Not comforting.

I was productive. Got a few amazing workouts. I got a set of 10 pushups!! I’ve been working up to that for a while now. I ran some much needed errands. Made a major dent in my christmas shopping. Cleaned out my pantry. At work I was extremely productive too. Felt like a contributing part of my team… doesn’t happen often being the low man on the totem pole. But it’s hard to nail down what the product of a right moment is and what the source of a good moment is. Like, am I feeling productive because I did all those things? or is my productivity the side effect of something else that was right…?

So what was right?

  • I don’t have a relationship inner struggle. The Sir/poly/Andy/mono struggle I was consumed with is resolved. I knew it was resting heavy on me, but stress is one of those things that you don’t quite know how much its effecting you til it is lifted and gone.
  • I had all the right groceries in my fridge. Usually this is the case, but I also took time this week to prep food for the following day each day. I kind of followed the zone diet. So I’d make/prep/pack at least 6 zones to take to work with me to eat before I got home and before my workout.
  • Me and Andy are great. He has a way of saying things that put me at ease as soon as I feel the girly doubtful irrational thoughts creep in my head.
  • My ex finally paid the rest of what he owed me for the house. I’ve been stressing about money lately and christmas shopping seemed so dreadful. But he paid me the money and it made my christmas shopping much more enjoyable. I basically got my list of people taken care of. The rest of my christmas shopping is going to be way relaxing. Basically now I can just buy when I see something that makes me thing of someone. The fun thoughtful gifts people wouldn’t think of.
  • This is the second week in a row I’ve kept my social calendar relatively clear. I was getting into a habit of filling it all up. Every evening I had plans. So the moments I was sitting still would hit me like a brick and trigger whatever binge emotions are there. It took me 5 days of chilling out to actually relax and calm my inner cookie (and pizza and really any other carb) monster. It’s funny, I don’t feel bored or lonely in these moments… but maybe there’s something there… about the chaos of life stopping that does trigger it. Been bouncing this around in my head after I realized how relaxed I finally got last Thursday.

So the big ones are in that list…. work, relationships, money… those all felt right this week. Hm… interesting!

Despite being on-call this week, and having that be disruptive to my sleep schedule, I felt completely in control. I decided when and what I was going to eat instead of the cravings deciding for me. Everything I ate was quality food, perfect portions, and once it was done I was done. These moments are so rare it seems. Feels good to be in control.

Let’s do this again next week!

Happy Friday all!

To run or to Pie?

July 23, 2015

I did a whole month of not binging! I CANNOT believe I could do it. I am so proud of me. I lost 6 pounds and feel great!

correction: felt great. Then the whole dumping thing happened and my motivation slipped. I’m feeling a binge sesh coming on. I mean, its inevitable at this point. I was going so strong and motivated. It was almost easy. Now I’m in the downward shame cycle like i’ve already done the binging. I feel as badly as if i already ate the ENTIRE keylime pie that I have in my head to eat. 😦 This is bad. It can’t come back in full swing. It can’t.

😦

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I need to keep doing well. can you imagine 6 more pounds in the next month? I would start to look really really good! not that you all know what I look like. I just would, k? Trust me. But today, I feel like a bigfatcow and I just wanna drown my brokeness in some keylime pie.

But if looking good was a good enough motivator I would’ve already punched this binge eating disorder in the face or possibly never have had it.

So. Step 1) recognize your “hunger” as emotional. Okay, this is soooo emotional. I just ate lunch. I am not in need of any kind of food. I could go days without being in NEED. What do they say? It takes 60 days to literally starve to death? A pretty good test if your checking what kind of hunger you are experiencing is this simple test. Would you eat a 4oz salmon filet and a side of sauteed veggies? Your favorite salad? (ha. favorite salad. as if.) Or does this hunger demand a cupcake? Pizza? Extra cheese please!

step 2) recognize the trigger. The break up. I don’t want it over. He did. For whatever noble a reason he claims. Still, it’s over and I didn’t want it to be over. Did I know it would end? Yeah, I think I recognized I was holding on by a thread. A relationship shouldn’t start in that manner… who was I truly kidding here?

step 3) counter the trigger. Deal with the emotion in healthy way. Or do something to keep my mind off of it. Okay, so I know that the more healthy way to deal is with a good workout. I NEED A GOOD SWEAT SESH. I know that this could curb my apetite and also make me feel less sad. Send out some endorphin flow. SO WHY NOT?! Because sadness makes me sooooo tired. I am tired. I want to crawl in bed and stay there…. with my pie. Me and my pie forever. Take a nap, take a slice, take a nap, take a slice. With a magazine. ooooh or with HIMYM! yes! wait. SNAP OUT OF IT!

I’m recognizing all my self destruct buttons being set off. I see it all downward spiraling. I feel like recognizing it isn’t doing me any good. Knowing the trigger isn’t doing anything either… what step am I missing? Maybe I’ll never conquer this if I don’t ever find that missing step.

Melissa, If you are reading this… please call me and give me a slap over the phone for even thinking about this!! (Melissa is my sister and only 1 of only 2 people that can connect my name to this blog.)

Day 1

May 13, 2015

My binge eating has been out of this world out of control. And my urge to compensate via exercise is way less than it use to… this means weight gain. and fast. Good news is I know that if I can turn it around I can turn it around quickly. If i spend just 10 days watching what I eat and drink then i’m right back to where i started and even better.

10 days….

of not binging…

That is impossible. I can barely get 1 full day lately…

Why? where is this stemming from? What is so chaotic in my life that I can’t handle it?

Family, ex, risidual guy interest that seems to worm its way in in my vulnerable moments. Then hating myself for that. Fighting that fact that I AM better. Or maybe just want to be better.

A desire should lead to things. A desire to eat less. To force a man to respect me. A desire for my family to leave my ex on the other side of the past. I don’t know. Seems like if I want, then i can do, or force a change. But that’s not true, is it?

I just need 10 days… to feel me again. to feel better about me. to spend loving on myself with good quality food and good quality exercise.

I started the beach body insanity yesterday. It was good. Hard. Room for 60 days worth of improvement. I have high hopes for that. But at the same time, if i can’t go one day without defeating my emotions and its urges? I’m my own sabotage.

emotional hangover

November 24, 2014

Yesterday I spent all day in pain. Not physical pain, but soul pain. At one point i was laying flat on my back on the living room floor… not even my dog would approach me it was so tangible. Where did it come from? What triggered this?

I normally consider myself pretty void of emotion. But maybe that’s not really so… I am not good at hiding what i feel. well, that’s not true either. I think I’m good at hiding anger. I’m good at hiding heart break. But when i’m sad, i look sad. I might not, probably won’t, cry in front of you… But i’m a happy, chipper person… so.. anything felt otherwise i suppose is pretty noticeable. But I’d say I normal don’t feel anything to the extreme… I definitely don’t act upon it.

I spent yesterday alone. It was a long day. I felt so much. And i don’t really know what it was. Heartbreak? Hopeless? Lonely? Bored? I think it was all of that and more. Everything hit me. I’m an emotional eater… and normally if boredom hits or sadness or stress, food is my solace. But not even that tugged at me yesterday. I’ve been working on that. Not running to food. Or at least recognizing emotional hunger versus physiological hunger. And maybe I finally hit a break through with that yesterday. Maybe it was my sub-conscious forcing me to face my emotions. To process them. Instead of stuff them down with food. Maybe yesterday was a break through. It felt messy. It felt chaotic. Maybe its going to clear up in a way that cleaning your bedroom looks way worse before it actually gets better and cleaned and organized and uncluttered. Gotta pull everything out of all the nooks and crannies to either dust it off, put it up, or throw it out… I don’t know.

But i do know I was hurting every where. deep down. all throughout. so much. And today… the residual sadness is almost consoling. What does that even mean? It feels like a companion… like its a helper. Like I’m suppose to use it for something.

Maybe its going to do nothing more than to keep me away from people today… keep me from reaching out. Force me to process this on my own.

Maybe its nothing more than hormones… and tomorrow it’ll just be gone. That sucks to think about. That our emotions are just manifestations of the wrong chemical in our body at the time… no meaning other than malfunction of the body. obviously, some people think that… its why pills for depression exists… and i’m not saying there isn’t a place in this world for that… there most certainly is… i’m just hoping there’s more to it for me.

That’s enough for now. Here’s to keeping it together today… or letting things go… we’ll see.

food addiction

October 16, 2014

I can’t seem to beat this one. I’ve been attending group counseling sessions for it. So many things being uncovered and I honestly don’t know what effects my food addiction and what is just another aspect of me that should be recognized, worked on and/or accepted. Here are a few that i’ve narrowed down to my food issues.

Self doubt: We all do it. We are our own worst critic. I’m a perfectionist… well… maybe not so much a perfectionist… But I can not be embarrassed. I will avoid embarrassment at ALL costs. I have a phobia about it. I can’t handle publicly failing. I’m a realist, though, (or chicken shit) and just don’t do the things i don’t know that I’ll do well in public. I cover this up with self deprecation in jest… but… This is something I’m working on. No more negative comments just to be funny with me as the butt of the joke. This is causing a very awesome subtle change in me… I walk taller. I accept my short comings instead of beat myself up over it. It’s a good change and one I hope to make a habit.

Processing feelings: The overall idea that i’m getting in my group therapy is that we eat to cover up a need we have. maybe even a feeling we are experiencing. And instead of processing whats going on… instead of dealing with the negative things we are experiencing we cover that up with food… food is a reward. food makes us feel in control. food makes us feel safe. food is comfort. food is an easy socially acceptable thing to cling to. food is reliable. So, me and feelings… we don’t get along well. I don’t even know how to recognize a feeling. To help with this I’m working on my mindfulness. In a moment of emotional “hunger” (which takes practice in itself to recognize) I need to stop and rack my brain for reasons why… starting with the very surface of… am i feeling good or bad in this moment? And dig deeper from there. Am I really eating right now because I need sustenance? When was my last meal? what was it? This is a hard thing to do… because its the very opposite of what i’ve been doing. uncovering vs covering. There’s a lot in here. Not to mention the comforting and rewarding that we’ve been taught to use food for.  Its so blatantly obvious we don’t even notice it!

Boredom: I didn’t know that boredom was a feeling. Could my addiction be this simple? The thing about boredom is there’s a level of anxiety or discontentment. Lack of peace. How is this undone? Maybe when there is less self doubt there is more peace… you are more capable of being one with the quiet.

sleep deprivation and chaotic schedule: This is even more simple! I’ve done some experimenting with this lately. It helps to get a good night’s sleep… spend a night at home. I’ve been filling up my calendar so full lately! One thing after the other… literally. Gym, dinner, drinks. Before I know it I’m falling into bed at midnight and at work at 7am… miserable! FOod… bring me alllll the food! Especially if I’m hung over. or even if i’m not hung over! Two things here… 2) lack of sleep makes me want a lot of food. 2) drinking the night before leads to wanting A LOT of BAD food. Now, I will not forfeit my drinking with friends and going out and staying pretty social… but I am starting to be more mindful of these weeknight benders… And It’s about time I reign myself in… I’m 27… time to be a grown up. I doubt i’ll slow down til my friends do… we have way too much fun. But… I’m gonna dial it back a bit. There’s an odd sense of control and productivity when I stay home and keep a bed time… not sure why. But I do know that I feel amazing the next day when I do.

Lonely: I don’t feel particularly lonely. But I’ve noticed the times in which I decide to binge. It happens a lot after my niece or mom leaves my place. Or when I’m leaving a group of people. So, this is something worth thinking about. It is a human quality to want to be around people… to share things with others including time, feelings, sad things, happy things, meals, a bed. Its just a natural thing. We are relational beings.

I think that to dismiss any of these reasons would be detrimental to my “rehab”. But some are harder than others. Work in progress. I just hope that I can be “cured”. I know, once an addict always an addict. Just feeling a little helpless about it at times.

I’ll get there… just need to be more mindful in this direction.