Posts Tagged ‘eating disorder’

cheese dip and workouts

April 4, 2016

I just had my yearly review. I’ve been anxious about it for a week now. So so so anxious. It went fine. Nothing unexpected happened or was said.

But the anxiousness leaves me hungry. I’m starving! Emotional hunger is so so real. I can’t believe how real it feels some times.

I know its not real because the only thing that would satisfy this hunger is cheese dip and chips. That’s all I can think about right now. It’s an hour and 10 minutes until my lunch break. I’ve got to figure a healthy way to curb this, but no resolution is coming to mind.

That’s a lie.

I just keep diverting my attention back to cheese dip.

I’ve got a very rigorous workout schedule planned for this week. I’m keenly aware of the fact that I’m pushing it to the point that I can’t lie to myself about the healthiness of it.

I’m rationalizing the fuck out of all of it! It’s insane.

I’ve got 6 crossfit classes planned. 2 of those are AM sessions. I need to add in some long rows after class too. One treadmill interval workout. And a bike ride or two. Also, going to the driving range with mitch… but that one barely counts.

See it’s not THAT crazy. Nah. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll be super sore by Wednesday, but don’t worry, I’ll eat plenty. :-\

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something right

November 13, 2015

I think I’ve been making a mistake by only looking at the bad moments and asking what is going wrong.

I think intuitively my process (of working through my binge/emotional eating disorder) has been:

  • Learn to recognize the bad moments while in a bad moment.
  • Think about why this moment is bad. Be extremely specific and focus on what emotion I am feeling.
  • Learn from that going forward, whether its eliminating the source or finding productive ways to deal with it other than eating.

But what if the question isn’t what is wrong in the bad moments, but asking what is right in the good moments? Why shouldn’t we practice mindfulness in the good times too?

I’ve had a kickass week. K I C K A S S !

I never once had a binge moment. Or even a thought of binging. I never had to struggle with it at all. Usually I’m neck deep in should I order chef shuttle or not EVERY NIGHT. Getting as far as the check out page and closing the browser only to jump back on chef shuttle and repeat. Not once this week!

It could simply be it’s that sweet spot week that my hormone levels aren’t crazy. Which would be really sad because that would mean that 50-75% of my child bearing years are just damned to sabotage me. Not comforting.

I was productive. Got a few amazing workouts. I got a set of 10 pushups!! I’ve been working up to that for a while now. I ran some much needed errands. Made a major dent in my christmas shopping. Cleaned out my pantry. At work I was extremely productive too. Felt like a contributing part of my team… doesn’t happen often being the low man on the totem pole. But it’s hard to nail down what the product of a right moment is and what the source of a good moment is. Like, am I feeling productive because I did all those things? or is my productivity the side effect of something else that was right…?

So what was right?

  • I don’t have a relationship inner struggle. The Sir/poly/Andy/mono struggle I was consumed with is resolved. I knew it was resting heavy on me, but stress is one of those things that you don’t quite know how much its effecting you til it is lifted and gone.
  • I had all the right groceries in my fridge. Usually this is the case, but I also took time this week to prep food for the following day each day. I kind of followed the zone diet. So I’d make/prep/pack at least 6 zones to take to work with me to eat before I got home and before my workout.
  • Me and Andy are great. He has a way of saying things that put me at ease as soon as I feel the girly doubtful irrational thoughts creep in my head.
  • My ex finally paid the rest of what he owed me for the house. I’ve been stressing about money lately and christmas shopping seemed so dreadful. But he paid me the money and it made my christmas shopping much more enjoyable. I basically got my list of people taken care of. The rest of my christmas shopping is going to be way relaxing. Basically now I can just buy when I see something that makes me thing of someone. The fun thoughtful gifts people wouldn’t think of.
  • This is the second week in a row I’ve kept my social calendar relatively clear. I was getting into a habit of filling it all up. Every evening I had plans. So the moments I was sitting still would hit me like a brick and trigger whatever binge emotions are there. It took me 5 days of chilling out to actually relax and calm my inner cookie (and pizza and really any other carb) monster. It’s funny, I don’t feel bored or lonely in these moments… but maybe there’s something there… about the chaos of life stopping that does trigger it. Been bouncing this around in my head after I realized how relaxed I finally got last Thursday.

So the big ones are in that list…. work, relationships, money… those all felt right this week. Hm… interesting!

Despite being on-call this week, and having that be disruptive to my sleep schedule, I felt completely in control. I decided when and what I was going to eat instead of the cravings deciding for me. Everything I ate was quality food, perfect portions, and once it was done I was done. These moments are so rare it seems. Feels good to be in control.

Let’s do this again next week!

Happy Friday all!

To run or to Pie?

July 23, 2015

I did a whole month of not binging! I CANNOT believe I could do it. I am so proud of me. I lost 6 pounds and feel great!

correction: felt great. Then the whole dumping thing happened and my motivation slipped. I’m feeling a binge sesh coming on. I mean, its inevitable at this point. I was going so strong and motivated. It was almost easy. Now I’m in the downward shame cycle like i’ve already done the binging. I feel as badly as if i already ate the ENTIRE keylime pie that I have in my head to eat. 😦 This is bad. It can’t come back in full swing. It can’t.

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I need to keep doing well. can you imagine 6 more pounds in the next month? I would start to look really really good! not that you all know what I look like. I just would, k? Trust me. But today, I feel like a bigfatcow and I just wanna drown my brokeness in some keylime pie.

But if looking good was a good enough motivator I would’ve already punched this binge eating disorder in the face or possibly never have had it.

So. Step 1) recognize your “hunger” as emotional. Okay, this is soooo emotional. I just ate lunch. I am not in need of any kind of food. I could go days without being in NEED. What do they say? It takes 60 days to literally starve to death? A pretty good test if your checking what kind of hunger you are experiencing is this simple test. Would you eat a 4oz salmon filet and a side of sauteed veggies? Your favorite salad? (ha. favorite salad. as if.) Or does this hunger demand a cupcake? Pizza? Extra cheese please!

step 2) recognize the trigger. The break up. I don’t want it over. He did. For whatever noble a reason he claims. Still, it’s over and I didn’t want it to be over. Did I know it would end? Yeah, I think I recognized I was holding on by a thread. A relationship shouldn’t start in that manner… who was I truly kidding here?

step 3) counter the trigger. Deal with the emotion in healthy way. Or do something to keep my mind off of it. Okay, so I know that the more healthy way to deal is with a good workout. I NEED A GOOD SWEAT SESH. I know that this could curb my apetite and also make me feel less sad. Send out some endorphin flow. SO WHY NOT?! Because sadness makes me sooooo tired. I am tired. I want to crawl in bed and stay there…. with my pie. Me and my pie forever. Take a nap, take a slice, take a nap, take a slice. With a magazine. ooooh or with HIMYM! yes! wait. SNAP OUT OF IT!

I’m recognizing all my self destruct buttons being set off. I see it all downward spiraling. I feel like recognizing it isn’t doing me any good. Knowing the trigger isn’t doing anything either… what step am I missing? Maybe I’ll never conquer this if I don’t ever find that missing step.

Melissa, If you are reading this… please call me and give me a slap over the phone for even thinking about this!! (Melissa is my sister and only 1 of only 2 people that can connect my name to this blog.)