Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

things i dislike…

January 8, 2016
  • When compliments are fished for. I don’t like stroking egos for the sake of an ego being stroked. I like to give compliments where they are needed and when they are evoked from me implicitly. I want to be inspired so strongly that it pops out! Or to lift someone’s spirit with one. But if I, for one second, think that this compliment is only going to inflate an already inflated head, I won’t do it. I will keep it. Even if its a noteworthy and an earned compliment. I keep it.
  • Carrying a clip board… there is no way to not look like a douche bag carrying one of those. It’s like mustaches… there’s no way to make it look good. I don’t care who you are (I’m talkin to you Tom Sellek, just because I wouldn’t recognize you without it doesn’t mean its doing anything to improve your look). A clip board says you think you are important. A clipboard says I’m about to boss you around. It says I’ve gotta boss so many people around that I can’t even memorize the list so see? I carry it on me.
  • Dreams about being pregnant… Or deciding on pregnancy… I wake up sad. And its probably not even literally about having a baby. It’s something less intuitive or whatever, right? Whatever.
  • Being unmotivated. Just get up and go, gah! I’m a type A person. So, my happy place is crossing off a check list and getting shit done. That alone gives me sooooo many feel goods… So being unmotivated makes me have the same amount of feels, but they are bad feels. I hate feeling the bad feels. Get up and go!
  • When money and/or distance is a pain point. Money and distance just shouldn’t be a factor in decisions or matters of the heart.
  • Not being able to say certain things because I don’t want to hurt feelings. This runs my verbal life. I put words on a pedal-stool because I can’t take them back. They are the most permanent thing on this planet. So usually if I’m in doubt, I keep them to myself, but… It’s not always healthy.
  • When someone says I’m “too nice”. Bitch please! This is a choice! I EFFING WANT TO BE NICE! BACK OFF! Just because I make you feel bad because you make all your decisions based on only your own wants and desires doesn’t mean you need to pull me into your selfish game.
  • When a friend chooses an ugly bridesmaid’s dress. A lot of us make fun of this. We joke about a bride being the best looking in the wedding party, and going as far as sabotaging the whole bridesmaid’s look. THIS IS REAL! I am in a wedding in a few weeks. My friend, the bride, is one of these woman. She has insecurities that run so deep she doesn’t even know about them. But they manifest themselves in ways like picking a bridesmaid’s dress that puffs out hips in a round marshmallow way instead of a curvy sexy way. I hate to think these decisions weren’t made subconsciously but I know her… and she thought about it. This is the same chick that made me turn around to go get my wedding ring that I accidentally left on the sink before going on a night on the town (when I was married and she wasn’t engaged). I said, “Oh shoot, I forgot my ring.” We are a mile from my house, not far, but super inconvenient. “You HAVE to turn around. Nu uh, you can’t go downtown without that.” She didn’t want me to even slightly appear available next to her. Maybe I should be flattered by this one, but I just find it odd and manipulating. True story. Anyway, back to the dress. I have a philosophy that I live by. I have gone against this time and time again, and each time I go against it I hate myself ALL day long. Philosophy: Never leave the house until you feel cute in what you are wearing. This really effects my self esteem. Its not worth saving time on settling for an outfit. I need to think I look cute. I don’t care who else thinks it. *I* need to think this. But in this dress I feel huge and frumpy. I’ll be the one at the wedding curled up (possibly under a table) with a stolen bottle of champagne. No, not the girl with the glass… the one next to her chugging from the bottle. (Wow, I really ranted about that one. Moving right along.)
  • When what-ifs take up even the most minuscule moment of my cognitive space. What-ifs take everything good out of the present. They are simply torture. I think If I was ever being questioned by the CIA you’d just have to put me in a room with all my what-ifs. It won’t be long that I’ll say anything and beg to be out of that room. I love now. And what-ifs just try to make me question everything, even all the things going right.
  • When people don’t yield when entering round-abouts. There’s one right outside of my apartment complex. Laying on my horn didn’t become a natural reflex till I started having to do this round-about multiple times a day. I honk like a New Yorker now. (Is that a thing?)
  • Being on-call on the weekends. Does this need any more explaining?? That’s me this weekend, btw.

Most of these bullet points merit a full blog post. But for the sake of positivity I’m going to get all the negative stuff down and out of the way. And because they are in my brain NOW and need OUT!

Happy Friday all!

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at war

October 16, 2015

I’ve had nightmares all week. It’s strange… I don’t remember any details. I just know I was scared and I didn’t enjoy it. All week I’ve been stuck in this level of sleep that doesn’t quite let me rest.

I’m struggling with something. There is something I’m not at ease about. And I know what it is.

Polyamory.

My personal convictions are butting heads with my current situation. My mind is fighting my history. My new views and opinions and experiences are at war with what I’ve known.

Sir keeps saying… it’s my conditioning. And that’s exactly right. We are taught from the moment we are able to enjoy tv shows and cartoons… That one knight with the one princess. It’s so ingrained. SO deeply ingrained that I am not struggling on the surface. I’M A HAPPY GIRL THESE DAYS! I’m not struggling till I’m asleep. This is so crazy. I feel the war going on. And there’s no way to speed up this processing. I just have to deal with it. Go with it. And think through everything as it comes up.

I’m enjoying the opportunity to buck up against the things in life I considered truths. I like questioning things I’ve never considered movable. There’s something about it that feels good. I’m developing me. I’m cultivating my own thoughts and opinions. I’m making up my own mind. It feels amazing. At the same time, it truly is a war. I’m struggling.

In any war, there will be a victor. And to be honest. At this point… I don’t know which side I will go with. But I do know that at the end of the war I’ll be my own person, holding on to my own beliefs, and going through life with a new set of beliefs. My very own caliber of integrity. I love that. And even if the end result is just that I personally can’t do it, I still will have a more open mind to the world and those relationships around me. I’ll have a whole new appreciation.

I love the fact that I can love more than one person. That I can have relationships, one for each of my needs. And that everyone is in harmony with. Everyone knows everything. It’s so freeing. But, I feel the fight. I talk to Andy about Sir. I talk to Sir about Andy… and I constantly fight the urge to lie, or spin the truth, or down play certain things. Why is it so natural to be deceptive? I hope to relearn this especially. To be open about everything. The truth only leads to deeper connections. That’s what I’ve re-learned so far. And there’s nothing regretful about that!

twins, nieces, and dreams

June 18, 2015

My sister is in town!!! And while I have moments that I DESPERATELY miss her, the biggest joy of her visits as of the last few years is getting to spend time with my niece. She is a tea cup sized me. AND SO ADORABLE (if I do say so myself)!

Me and my sister are fraternal twins. And her daughter is my replica. I always wanted a little girl that looks like me.

The fact that my sister had her is truly bitter/sweet. First and foremost I got a mini me without actually having to destroy any part of my body to bring her into the world. Sorry, sis, but thanks for doing me this solid! But secondly, I wasn’t the one that got to feel her flutters and kicks from within and selfishly/selflessly hoard her all to myself for 9 months…

Maybe one day I’ll have a tea cup sized twin cousin for this little gal. Or now that I think on it, maybe my new dream is to have a tea cup sized human that looks like my twin sis 🙂

dreams

September 15, 2014

Me and my girlfriends were talking about dreams last night. One of my friends says she has a recurring theme of snow in the fall. My other friend has dreams she can’t move but there are dark figured men walking around her room… they are in different positions depending on the position of her body. Mine is a silly recurring dream I’ve had since I was 4. Flesh colored alligators with yarn for hair, not unlike a kid’s puppet… It was terrifying to my 4 year old self… and truth be told when I have the dream today it is as if i’m 4 all over again and just as terrified… the dream always ends with me desperately trying to scream for my parents but nothing comes out.

We had fun looking up the themes and guessing what they could mean… Snow having something to do with unspoken emotions… which is extremely fitting for my friend who can’t/won’t talk about feelings… she’s embarrassed that she actually has all the same girly instincts as the rest of us. It’s funny.

Alligators symbolize treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts… whatever that means. But it does also say that I might need to take a new perspective on something going on in my life…. Just what I need – over thinking and dissecting what situation I need a perspective change… Wonder how the meaning is effected when its an alligator that looks like an art project gone wrong?

It’s kind of fun… Think about a dream you’ve had multiple times.. or maybe just the last one you can think of… It’s the same kind of a fun a horoscope can be when you aren’t sold out to it. http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/a.htm

Anyway, I went home on my lunch break to take a little siesta… I had a dream. Me and my ex were parking at Kroger. As we walked through the parking lot we held hands. As naturally as it was to hold hands, I felt like something was off. It wasn’t til after we walked through the automatic doors that I realized we weren’t together and yanked my hand back. “Wondered how long that would last.” My realization came in layers… Like I had to swim through the degrees of separation we went through to get to our divorce. Didn’t we separate? Are we working things out? Wait, I have my own place. Whoa! We’re divorced!

I’m not one to remember when I actually dream so I thought it an odd coincidence that I had this dream after we talked about it just last night. I’m not looking up what it means to dream of an ex.

Shaking it off.