Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

dad

September 14, 2016

I just had a conversation with my dad. And It’s past 9pm… so I know to expect the reasonable slur to his voice and the (when sober) uncharacteristic emotion in his voice.

For the longest time in life his mantra was education first. Get a good job. Work hard. Make money. Money money money. He’s a lawyer. And while he isn’t the lawyer that became a judge or became some partner in a big city place, he still does well for himself in small town Arkansas.

Since him and my mom got a divorce a few years ago his mantra changed. And I don’t know if it was the divorce, or him becoming a grandfather, or what, but now its simply do what makes you happy.

What?

Dad? Is that you? As I was finally accepting that my dad must now be finally happy in life and how long has he been miserable and oh my god maybe I need to find more happiness, I find out that he isn’t happy at all right now.

I thought he was living it up. He’s kind of the dirty old man that likes to party and pick up ladies and hell, I guess if you got it you got it even at 65….

He is stuck. And he doesn’t know what to do about it. Funny. Earlier today I sent a message to my sister about how much less stressed we would be if we did what we wanted and what was best for us and what we needed versus being railroaded and taken advantage of. How much better off would we be if we back boned up and spoke up for ourselves. We couldn’t have possibly gotten that trait from our father? No freaking way….

My mom. She was always the one that tip toed all situations. She was the passive aggressive champion of the household. Right?

All this talk about being happy. I guess its coming from a place of wishful thinking more than what he is actually living. I feel bad for him. I was sad to hear it. My heart did something funny… kind of like sympathy… when he said it. I didn’t realize I had that left in me for him since my parents’ divorce.

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he’s got a girlfriend??

March 18, 2016

So, its no secret that I still communicate with my ex husband. I went through several phases with this. As expected I think. You know, the wish he didn’t exist phase. The wish my family didn’t know he exists phase. Then it morphed at some point. I can talk to him easily. I can seek his advice. I know he will always be someone I can lean on if I need it. He really is a great guy.

With that said, as someone that talks to her ex regularly I felt he needed to know that I was dating someone. So back in October or November, whenever me and A made it official, I slipped it into one of our conversations. Out of respect. If he is going to consider me a friend, if we are doing this friend thing, then that is a tid bit you would tell a friend. I didn’t want to lie, not even by omission. Nothing malicious about it. I was just informing him. Respect, right?

A few months back, I had to get his help with something on my taxes. Okay, so I didn’t HAVE to… but he was my tax guy before. He was my everything guy before. It’s a rough transition to have an everything guy to having no guy, then to having a long distance guy that is terrible at adulting guy. Anyway… He helped me do my taxes. It was the first time on my own. It was nice to have him walk me through it. It was good of him to help. He brought beer and sushi… It was a fun time.

I asked him then if he was dating any one. Just part of a conversation. I really want to know these things. Lots of reasons behind it. Some reasons are completely legit. I care about him as a person and his happiness and well being. But some are less legit like – should I be worried about a girl beating me up for asking for his help while we drink beer and hang out for the evening. Or even less legit reasons and thought processes. Like… how jealous should I be? Is she skinnier than me? Will his family like her more? And can I take her?

Anyway, for all the reasons I asked him. He said “No.” Satiates my curiousity, right?

Fast forward to last Monday night. Went out for drinks with friends/co-workers. They wanted to make sure I was okay after this break up. Through the night I find out that the chick I see my ex husband in the halls with (yes, I still work in the same building as him – hey, I didn’t say this was healthy) is his girlfriend. COME AGAIN? His GIRLFRIEND? He’s got a whah?

I do understand why he wouldn’t want to tell me. And I get that it’s not the most comfortable conversation to have with your ex. And maybe I am grateful for being blissfully unaware that there’s a woman at work (she’s totally just a girl tho) whose eyes are on me with all its reigning judgment. (Maybe that’s too dramatic.) Truth be told I do see them together, but I couldn’t have picked her out of a line up. Not until now! I got them to show me her face. And I started picking her apart and verbally ripping her to shreds!

PAUSE! This isn’t me. Why do I care that she walks funny, that her teeth are weird, and her hair is as thin as mine? Who the fuck cares?! Why do I get pleasure from someone telling me I’m prettier than her? I know this reaction is all too normal. But why? I don’t want to be the person to take pleasure in these things. But I do! It made my heart smile to hear that she has a dud of a personality. I don’t know her. I have never even shared a superficial, small-talk greeting with her. I have no basis in reality for judging her so much. I’m ashamed that I feel this way. But I do. So I guess this is me. I’m normal. I’m human. I can try to fight it. That will help a bit. But… I’ve already shown my true colors. It’s already out. I’m… THAT girl.

I have some growing to do as an individual and as a woman. I guess it’s good to see this in such a controlled environment… Not that I thought I was done with myself. A complete and perfect indivdiual. Not by far. But… Yeah, I’ve got work to do.

xmas w/ the fam

December 30, 2015

Christmas went way better than I expected it would. You know, when your expectations are way up here you are usually disappointed?

Well, my expectations took a nose dive after being so upset with my brother. Then my mom announced she was bringing her fiance. A few things to note: 1) the brother I was upset with hadn’t met him yet, him or his wife, 2) my dad was also coming to the event. He also hadn’t met this new guy. So this brings expectations even lower in anticipation of all the awkwardness. I am actually really happy he decided to brave this situation. This meeting is well overdue.

Then to lower it as much as it could possibly be lowered my dad gets all huffy and decides that if mom is bringing her significant other then so will he. Other note worthy facts: 1) his girlfriend is a narcotics addict that has been to prison recently and now lives with my father and 2) She is younger than me. BLEH!

No more fucks could possibly be given. So… me and A got in my car and headed that way. we made a pit stop for beer. A lot of beer. I’ve never known a better day for some day drinking. I even thought in honor of my dad’s GF that we should all start the whole day out with some pills… just, you know, whatever she had on her. (Bad joke, I know. No, I’m not weirded out at all by a younger-than-me, ex-con dating my father.)

We get there… and in true addict form, my dad’s GF bailed. So, there was one thing that could’ve gone worse. I watched as my mom introduced her fiance (my dad has no clue they are engaged… I don’t even think he knows they live together). Everyone was very… friendly.

Me and A were already 2 beers in upon arrival – pre lunch… we were doing great! We pretty much handed out the beer like breath mints to all my siblings… Can someone make popcorn??

Just kidding… there was never a show to be entertained by. I knew my family was too passive aggressive for that. What else can we smooth under that rug in the front room?? We made it through lunch and gift exchange. Mom and her fiance left. Soon after my dad left. Us kids went back to the liquor store and got round two. We sat on his patio (because in Arkansas it was in the 70s!) and watched the boys smoke cigars.

Me and A took our tipsy selves back to his place that evening. Feeling good and grateful that it didn’t get any worse. And before I knew it we were celebrating the Christmas end in a party for 2 🙂

the dress (reunion part 1)

October 6, 2015

Remember when Sir T took me into the mall the very first day I met him and had me try on a few dresses?? Well, a few weeks later I went back and bought that cute little black dress for my upcoming reunion. And truth be told I was super nervous to actually wear this. It’s definitely the tightest dress I’ve ever worn. I’ve lost 15 pounds this summer, for a total of 50 pounds in the past 6.5 years. And it is taking quite a while for my eyes to catch up to my scale… actually I believe I’ll never see myself accurately in a mirror. So, I stressed about this dress that is showing off my new figure, having to put my trust in others to tell me I look good in it. And to convince myself that my eyes are lying to me. My insecurity is a bastard intent on me hating myself.

Anyway, I tried on this dress every day for a week before my 10 year high school reunion in hopes I would somehow see it right. I took pics. I shared pics with my closest girl friends. They all told me the same thing. Do it. Wear it. You look fantastic. One of my really close friends told me not to pack a second option. She knows me well!

Me and my twin and a few other girls from my class that were bunking together for the reunion were all getting ready. I let myself doubt for just a few more minutes. I put on the dress (and hello! Duh, I put on a girdle too!) and looked in the mirror one last time. I told myself that once I hit that hotel hallway I was NOT going to say one more negative thing about myself. And I didn’t. And after the second beer I didn’t even think about it! Two is always my magic number 🙂

We had a small class and even less people showed up. But all my friends from high school that I would’ve considered close (at least back then) were there! And I had a blast! The girls couldn’t believe I’d lost so much weight. One guy told me he didn’t even recognize me. That all felt really good. I was enjoying myself.

It’s crazy to see all the guys I graduated with being dads and husbands now. Reunions will never be the same now that facebook exists. We don’t have to ask questions like how many kids do you have or what are you doing these days. We see most people on a day to day basis… posting pics of kids and life events. But still seeing them all, it hit me… all these real adults in the room. I mean, they aren’t fooling me. I now know what it feels like to be an adult… and its not very adult feeling at all! But still! these guys that use to shoot the shit in high school are now providing for new human beings in this world. It’s cool!

But also, thanks to facebook (and partly due to small town rumors), I didn’t have to go around saying “I’m divorced” to all 41 of my classmates all night. I never once said it in a serious way. I made a joke that half was a piggy back off my sister’s joke with our cab driver (and Fred, our cab driver, could quite possibly be a blog post all its own) and THAT WAS IT! Very nice surprise.

As I looked around I couldn’t help but notice one guy in particular. It’s another crazy thing to have someone pop out at you so strongly when you’ve known them since you were 11. And they have never struck you in any way good or bad before. He’s been completely neutral to me for my whole life.

Now, I simply cannot go on with this blog until I share what happened that night. I’ve kept this in for a full week and a couple days now and I’m about to burst with words!!! Stay tuned!

dad’s accident

September 22, 2015
My dad broke his ankle. This, in itself, is not report worthy. I mean… not big enough to make it to my blog anyway… Not that my blog has such high standards. LOL. Anyway… here’s what win’s it’s noteworthy prize:
  • he “fell off his recliner”
  • broke it in two places
  • had to have surgery to put three pins in to put his ankle back together
  • spent two nights in the hospital (he announced this to us via facebook message :-/… really? can a daughter get a freakin phone call?)
  • has to be in a wheel chair for 6 weeks
  • doc says he probably has osteoporosis (and sincerely this one does have me worried)
WHAT?!?!
  1. Fell out of your recliner? This doesn’t even sound physically possible. How many laws of physics did you have to break for that one?
  2. His girlfriend is a recovering narcotics addict. Having her in the same house as someone that needs those pills for pain at the moment is scary. What will her relapse do to my dad? Of course this is trusting that she is, in fact, currently sober.
  3. My dad is a heavy vodka abuser. My guess is he was being stupid in a drunken moment, tripped, and didn’t wanna admit it was alcohol related. But why not just say he tripped? A Half truth is smarter than a complete lie. right? <– learned this one from my ex- husband…. (merp)
  4. If he does have osteoporosis then he might have in fact fell out of his recliner and I should feel like a terrible daughter for assuming the worst…
But when his lineup for the last 4 years is beyond ridiculous, it makes everything he says pretty untrustworthy. To list a few:
  • had an affair with someone that it is illegal (maybe not illegal, but definitely punishable by law – wait, that does make it illegal?) to have a relationship with (a lawyer and a bail bondsman (woman) is a no-no)
  • got a divorce from my mom because of said affair AFTER she gave him TWO chances to cut things off with this woman
  • not paying my mom alimony (a woman who spent her entire adult life raising us 5 kids, managing the household, and making sure he ALWAYS had a meal before he even had to ask)
  • dated a woman that is YOUNGER THAN ME (27, while he is 64). She went to prison for pharmaceutical fraud, lost custody of her kids because of an addiction, and a client of my father’s (another no-no relationship)!
  • let said young girlfriend not only move in (after she got out of prison) but let her be the secretary in his law practice!!
  • been in at least 3 plus car wrecks due to being an idiot and either texting or drinking (or both! to be fair, this is just a theory – but over 3 wrecks in such a short time is suspicious)
  • getting let go of two part time jobs because of said drinking – in doing so losing medical insurance and a set income. This just means he has his private practice only for his income which should be fine, but scares him a lot for obvious reasons.
As you can see it’s easy to assume the worst.
Geez. Now I’m exhausted.
I. Can’t. Even.

Moving day

May 4, 2015

“Is it okay if I move in with Jeff?”

“Um… Jeff? My ex, Jeff?”

“Yeah. Just wanted to check with you. I already asked him. He’s cool with it.”

“Um…”

“I don’t have money. I plan on getting a job after graduation. But right now I can’t afford an apartment. And all my fraternity brothers are headed out of town for the summer. No one is sticking around for me to room with.”

“I mean…. If you have no other option. I kind of hate that. It hurts my feelings. I understand the practicality of it all. I’m a rational person, but could you keep looking for other options?”

“Well, if it hurts your feelings then I’ll make something else work.”

“Thanks, bro. I appreciate it.”

2 months later…

“Hey, sis. I need some man power today. Think you could help me move?”

“Are you serious? I can do it. But would like you to be mindful about requests like that in the future. It’s not easy moving my brother to my old house. With my ex.”

“WOW. Sorry that was really inconsiderate of me.”

Sigh… “Just think about it in the future. I’ll be there in an hour.”

IS HE KIDDING AT ALL! NOT AT ALL! What from that first conversation makes him ‘not even think about that’. Do I NOT look human? Do I look like a robot with no feelings? Because that is my only explaination for being so disregarded. BY MY OWN FAMILY!

I really, truly don’t feel like a push over. I just really wanted to be able to help him. But… I don’t know. I’m constantly conflicted when it comes to my family and their current relationship with my ex. But what can I do if that is what they choose? I can only say so much. I don’t think a little consideration from a sibling/parent is too much to ask. I really really don’t.

I didn’t have any other plans that day. I happen to have gotten all my chores out of the way that particular Sunday. It kind of worked out perfectly… except for his new address. I wanted to be able to help him. To be a good sister about it… I’m nice like that. “Nice.” It’s almost a bad word these days, right? Can’t be nice if you are looking out for yourself? I like nice. I like being nice. I like the fact that people know they can count on me. I won’t stop doing that because somewhere along the lines someone takes advantage of me without even realizing it.

He thinks it is temporary… He said he only needed a place to be for a month, but even if he got a job today he wouldn’t have his first paycheck for another 4 weeks. And I doubt his first paycheck will be enough to cover the first month of rent and all deposits… He’ll be there all summer and beyond… watch. I’m calling it now.

It’s actually a funny situation… if you aren’t me.

At least it was a good workout. Lots of sweating on a beautiful day. I like feeling productive. <– how’s that for silver lining.

always something

April 20, 2015

So, I went back home this weekend for a baby shower for my brother and his wife. It was fun. Lots of old friends to hug and catch up with. It was at my old church… Saw a lot of people from my old congregation… and these people were old when i was 11… so I was almost surprised to see a few up and about and as energetic as ever.

I have made peace with the fact that I’m not celebrating my own child being born into this world. I know it’ll be a long time before I get to have my turn at that. But what i didn’t brace myself for, what i had no idea to expect was cluing people in on the fact that I am divorced. I had no idea people were  still in the dark about it. I did not brace myself to combat the question “Where’s your hubby today?”

There’s always something connecting me to him still. One day I hope this isn’t the case. Unexpectedly hard. I have come so far, yet, there’s still a journey I am on. And I feel like a whole person. I feel like I’ve rediscovered myself. I feel good about life… but there’s this shadow looming…. One day i hope to have conquered this.

a clean start

December 30, 2014

I think that my divorce had less to do with the obvious act of infidelity on his end and more to do with me and setting off on a new journey. wipe clean MY transgression (not his) and move along with a fresh start. Do it differently. Make it better from the inside out. Not any other way.

I know some would have issues with the verbiage here. Don’t get caught up in the divorce itself. It happened people. Lots of reason and lots of realities that couldn’t be resolved… But as I process and think through this on certain days… It’s about me. Not about him. or about the “us” that use to be.

This is an opportunity for me. And it feels fantastic. I’m coming to that point where I’m taking off the weights. I’m peeling back a few layers. and I’m feeling a little lighter.

I didn’t realize how complacent I had become as a person. Just in every day things. A conversation with a stranger. Using my mind. Thinking through the things I need to do rather than let someone else take care of everything. You don’t become a whole person after a long term relationship ending because you have to try super hard… you do it because you no longer have that other half. Its a necessity. You do not get a choice.

I want the next life of mine to take this whole me… and mesh it together with whoever and whatever comes in. I don’t want to become dull and unmotivated and un-involved! I want to be fully aware. Fully there. I didn’t realize how much this wasn’t true in my marriage. What a weird sense of clarity to come to terms with that.

I am fun. I am interesting. I’m witty! Where did that one come from!??! These are adjectives I wouldn’t have used when talking about me while in the marriage. I felt quite the opposite! Boring. Nagging. Non-adventurous. Not particularly anything. Just some shade of gray that sits in the corner. Oh how that is NOT who I am!

This girl that I am… woman… I love her more and more. And I want to share her! I want to be part of someone’s life. Whether it be friends, coworkers, or a lover. I feel like I have adjectives to offer.

That’s enough rambling for now 🙂

This year

October 30, 2014

Last year through the holidays I was dreading the fact that this year would look sooooo much different.

Flash back to last year Thanksgiving: Me and my husband had been in counseling for 2 months. To say we were on the rocks would be grossly under exaggerating the situation. We both were working towards working it all out, but our affection towards each other was basically non-existent. If there was “affection” it was forced and terribly uncomfortable. Completely stressful. Being around family was incredibly difficult. There was constant talk about planning babies with my parents or siblings that were in that stage of marriage. Killed me. Everything about it. No one knew we were having issues. We thought we’d work through it and no one would have to be the wiser.

Flash back to Christmas of last year: We had been separated for exactly 12 days. We still weren’t telling our families. We shared a bed at my brother’s house, then at his parents’ house. I don’t know how I held it together. We hadn’t decided on getting a divorce yet, but the thought of how next year would look was haunting me every second. Every. Single. Second. I got through the holidays only having to tell my mom and my sister because of logistics and having to have them stay with me and such. They’d quickly figure out that my husband wasn’t staying at home, so I had no choice.

Flash back to new years last year: We both attended the same party… but we didn’t show up together. He left before midnight to go to another party with… who knows.

Well, the divorce has been finalized for almost 4 months now… and we are rapidly approaching Thanksgiving. And while part of me wants to be a hermit this holiday season… hide from family… the other part of me is just happy to not be hiding anything.

Since then my brother and his wife have announced the arrival of their first child. So so so happy for them. I feel oddly connected to the child already. But I ache at the same time. This is where I should be too. And back at square one. Not even dating anyone.

I know there will be tears over being alone this season. I know someone will say something without thinking about it… It’s happened so many times already. I’m bracing myself. I am strong. I can do this. I know there will be tears, but I am happy with my decision. I am so good with it. I am a better person now than I was. I know me better. I love myself more. This was a positive change in my life. Wonder why the holidays does this to a person… I’m sure I’ll perfect my “happy place” and self preservation tactics. But otherwise, I’m just going to try and enjoy my siblings and get excited with my sister in law about the baby. And get to know my mom and dad’s new boyfriend/girlfriend…. That’ll be fun.

So much different this year! and I knew it would be! But lets hope i’m pleasantly surprised. Maybe i’ll just try to keep track of all the unbelievably insensitive remarks for funny anecdotes later. Might make its own blog post… who knows! strike comedic gold! 🙂 I’m a silver-lining-ist… remember!

Welp, that’s all I got for now.

one of those moments

October 27, 2014

I have a deep desire today to mourn my marriage. I wanna bury my face and body in the comfort of someone who knows and understands the depth of the situation. To completely be consumed with the grief… and let go in the catharsis of sobs. Sob for my lost years. For the loss itself. For my ex. For all that was wasted. For all the what ifs. For all the reasons why it didn’t work. For all the ways that is was my fault. and all the reasons that i couldn’t have possibly prevented. For all the ways that i didn’t measure up. and for all the ways that i deserve better. All the ways he deserves better. Its a small ache, but a huge desire to let myself go in that moment of wallowing.

This won’t happen. There’s no one I can crumble against except for him. And that sure as hell shouldn’t be an option. Instead, I’ll catch a noon workout… and work it out through sweat instead of tears. Bury myself in the burn of my hands on the barbell, and the burn in my muscles…. Not sure if this is processing or just burying it… What else can be done with this? There is going to be a discord inside me with such a huge life change. It isn’t because I made the wrong decision or a bad decision… a decision either way with something like this would’ve caused the same kind of upset at times. I’m not in denial about that. Just having one of those moments. I’m completely resolved to my decision and glad about it. Just a moment.

It’ll be over soon.