Posts Tagged ‘depression’

me and m

July 20, 2017

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

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my bc hunt

June 23, 2017

So… I’ve spent the last year on a hunt for the perfect birth control pill. I was tired of my crazy pms getting worse and worse and worse. It’s awful! It WAS awful.

My PMS was hitting in all sorts of ways. Some months it would be absolute irritation. I couldn’t even stand myself! Some months it was anger and bitterness. Some months it was deeeeeep dark depression. SO SO SO much sadness. Then other months is was anxiety. Oh my lord, everything made me so anxious.

I talked to my lady doc about this and she said we can try them all! I was so so grateful. I didn’t even know this was an option. I thought if I was on BC then I was going to have to just suffer.

After 4 different BCs in about 8 months I FOUND IT! I still get PMS but GUESS WHAT?! My only PMS symptom is missing everyone! And I mean EVERYONE. And in such a loving reminiscing way! It’s crazy. Lol. But I love it. I’ll trade anxiety for this any day!

Sigh… so I’m sitting here thinking about people. Not hating anyone or myself. Not annoyed. Just missing folks.

Happy Friday all!

P.S. It’s Lo Loestrin! Seriously, ask your doc about it. I’m not even getting paid for this. 🙂

lucky gal

March 2, 2017

Things with M are going really well. We even made our relationship facebook official. WHAT!??! Yes, you read that right. Lol… We live in a strange era, don’t we? I’ve only been fb official with Andy since my divorce.

He fights his demons daily. He has so much going on in that head of his. He has depression. It’s genetic. His mom… He always looks at her and it makes him feel even worse because he knows there’s not an end to it. It’s still her demon. It’ll be his too still in 20 years. It just is. I hate this for him. He tries so hard. But depression and anxiety have been a cause of so many of our issues. The first time around and now… but more because the baggage we created the last go around.

For instance, he broke up with me before saying that he was in so so deep into the depression that he didn’t want to take me down too. I deserved more. He walked away. So anytime this comes up now… any bad moment I see rearing it’s ugly head I am terrified he will make this same decision. I no longer feel like I’m just waiting for the end. I know he is working. Fighting to live a normal life and love me through it. But in those bad moments when I can’t see, touch, or hold him I hear that ghost of our past tapping on my brain. I brace myself. But I know he’s working on it. I am gaining more and more faith and trust that this won’t be what ends us. But… baggage is a bitch.

He’s so good at surprises and gifts. He’s so good with physcial contact. He’s so good with the words he gives me. I feel so so lucky. He is so wrapped around me its incredible. I’ve never had someone that needed me on this level. It’s one of those things I always thought was unhealthy, but this doesn’t feel unhealthy. It feels like a partnership. A true partnership with two sides equally leaning on each other. I love that.

I’m so happy to commit to him. And that’s not something that comes easy. I was definitely there with mitch too, but everyone else… that commitment is hard to jump into. I’m such a damn flirt and so addicted to attention. But this man… He gives me all of his attention and everything else in his being.

Feels good. 🙂

m is back – 2

January 19, 2017

Every fiber of my being was aware that he was back. WE WERE IN THE SAME STATE AGAIN! I was trying to play it cool. I was dating the other guy… and m was bad for me right? He left, right?

He asked to see me immediately. I said yes. Immediately. I can’t not run to this man. I don’t think I’d ever make this man want for anything if I could possibly deliver.

I saw him. I smiled. I hugged him. We chatted for a few minutes. I welcomed him home.

It was short. As I walked away I couldn’t stop smiling. Ear to ear! Then WAM! It hit me. HOLY SHIT I STILL LOVE THIS MAN! How did I NOT see that.

I had to remind myself all the reasons why he was a bad idea. He drank too much. Way too depressed to function. He was emotionally stunted. He couldn’t face any emotion he had: good, bad, or ugly. He just shut down in the face of feelings. This is the same boy that broke up with me after one of the most phenomenal weekends of my life! We had so much fun together. Definitely the best weekend we had. BY FAR! And because of that he broke it off.

He did the “noble thing” and did it because he was going to drag me down. His depression stemmed from a very very very deep place. He has the worst view of himself. Not to mention it all started with a specific event that he will never ever forgive himself for. Because of that he will never feel worthy of love. 😦 It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking.

So here I am running all these things in my head and all I can do is smile because… LOVE. What a damn girl.

Over the next few weeks he pours everything out to me. How he wished he hadn’t left. How I was the best thing thats ever been in his life. How he will spend as long as it takes to win me back. That he was put on this planet for me. And me for him.

Who did he become??? Already something was different. This man wasn’t the type to pour out his heart like this. The change was already enough to make me give him a shot again. But I waited. I needed to see something… I wasn’t sure for what tho.

But it became clear very quickly what I was waiting on. A promise to make us different than it was. But it wasn’t something words could’ve resolved for me.

Turns out he started taking medication for the depression. I was stoked to find that out. He didn’t want to “lower” himself to that before. But this guy is why these type of pills were created! For that person that just can’t find that chemical balance the rest of us kind of have naturally.

He joined a gym! This guy use to be way too self conscious for a gym before! I mean… he’s self conscious still but my point is that he is overcoming it! He’s going despite himself. That is HUGE for this guy.

He even told me he’s been praying and working on doing more of it… this is a show stopper! WHAT!!??!

He was fighting for me. As if I needed half of this with all the other feelings I have for him. I couldn’t believe the changes I was seeing in him. I’ve not experienced this much joy over something in my life I think.

I pretty quickly detached from that one guy. I say quickly… I took a few weeks doing it… and they were a LOOOOOONG couple of weeks. I wanted to be with m so badly, but I didn’t want there to be any physical overlap. Both guys deserved way better than that. It felt like forever.

puddling

September 26, 2016

More dwelling. More puddle. It’s still here. I’m functioning. I’m at work. Small headache. Exhausted from the dwelling. It’s not easy. I can feel it flowing through my veins. It almost throbs. Pulsating a wave of exhaustion everywhere. Reverberating through every limb and appendage.

Going through the motions today. I’m here at work. I will be at the gym later. I’ll stay in solid form til I get home and puddle myself on the couch til I flow to the bed and puddle there at bedtime.

I’ll be home in 5 hours. I can do this.

in a puddle

September 25, 2016

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I

Went to the gym. Got in some birthday burpees with my gym rat buddies. Love that they push me. Love the energy they have. Then I got a 165 pound back squat. That’s a lifetime PR!

I’ve been consistently getting better in the gym. IT FEELS AMAZING.

Then yesterday evening I went out with one of my best friends. It was a local octoberfest. So much fun. Lots of beer. We saw people we knew. We met people we didn’t. Chatted. Flirted. Some of my favorite activities! After that we went to get some late night pizza. It was yummy. Good birthday, right??

At some point over the pizza my mood took a nose dive. There were three of us at this point and I was happy they were occupying each other’s company because I was becoming utterly useless in the social department. I was sitting across the table from them completely hiding the fact that all I wanted to do was cry. Not like a simple tear threatening to retreat from my eyeballs, but like, curl up in the bathroom stall balling my eyes out kind of cry.

I got home shortly after midnight. And promptly fell asleep only to wake up less than 3 hours later. I laid in bed for an hour feeling shame and guilt and sadness from no real source. Or is there a real source? I brainstormed all the possible real sources. The spiral. I’m spiraling down into a puddle of ickiness. I’m dwelling. And spiraling. And I feel so low right now.

I walked my dog. Then I laid in bed for another hour. And I finally just gave up. I’m out of bed again.

I’m so up and down I can’t keep up with myself. I mean… I wish I’d pop back up about now tho. I’m getting worried that I’m settling into a depression. But what is this counter balance of ups? Is it worth it? I say balance, but it doesn’t feel like that really… No. No up can make this puddle worth it.

The chemistry is wrong in my brain. That’s all it is, right?

when it becomes a crutch

April 22, 2016

I feel like there’s a group of people that see emotions as something to be covered. But even further than that, they don’t see them as something that should be felt. Maybe not so much the feel-good emotions, although heaven forbid you don’t play it cool with something exciting happens, but they definitely cover up the bad and the ugly. They don’t believe that depression is a real ailment. They don’t believe that many psychological issues are actually in existence. This isn’t exactly denial. I truly believe that these people, and I’m going to generalize a little bit and say that they are mostly men, just don’t feel the variety of emotions that others do. Not all men, and its not limited to men, I just witness it more with men. They just can’t relate. They don’t understand it. There is zero empathy because they’ve never experienced it.

And this is a shame. Especially for those around them with things like chronic depression, fibromyalgia (yes, I definitely put this in a more mental disorder/disease/ailment – whichever is less offensive because that is not my aim here – than a physical one… I’m not a doctor, k?), and just generally people that feel more, or are more empathetic. I just learned about this one too: Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)… this is a thing. I mean…something like that would be even hard for those sympathetic to mental disorders to have patience with. I believe there’s value in acknowledging all these things.

You know the type tho. The type of person that is completely unwilling to admit these things are real. The people that think of the people that “experience” these things as weak. Or the people that think that you can get over these things as simple as putting mind over matter.

But then there is an equally as annoying counter part to this at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. The people that crutch on these traits, ailments, sensitivities way too much. Everything they do and every decision is at the fault of their disorders. They couldn’t help themselves because they were “triggered” or something as ambiguous.

I do understand that there are more severe cases than others on all these things. There’s a spectrum for it all. And we ALL land someone on it. And I believe there is value in knowing where you fit on that spectrum. Self awareness is a powerful tool. Knowing how things effect you and being able to predict certain situations for you can help with a lot of heart ache or at least put expectations in appropriate places. I can’t stress how much value I put on this.

I’m sure this isn’t making much sense. But just like the man who thinks his son should stop crying and be a man, it annoys me just as much as the friend that cancels everything because they are triggered today by such and such and the only reason that blah blah blah blah is because of something I experienced when I was 5….

I’m a very understanding person. I give a lot of grace and patience regardless of merit. I let people have all their disorders and that give all kinds of excuses for things… but there are people that take advantage of the fact that society is finally becoming sensitive to certain ideas in the psychological field.

Like I said, I’m no doctor. And I’m pretty ignorant on a lot of the things I just mentioned. I’m not trying to offend. I’m just noting an observation. I don’t like when these diagnoses are taken advantage of.

emotional hangover

November 24, 2014

Yesterday I spent all day in pain. Not physical pain, but soul pain. At one point i was laying flat on my back on the living room floor… not even my dog would approach me it was so tangible. Where did it come from? What triggered this?

I normally consider myself pretty void of emotion. But maybe that’s not really so… I am not good at hiding what i feel. well, that’s not true either. I think I’m good at hiding anger. I’m good at hiding heart break. But when i’m sad, i look sad. I might not, probably won’t, cry in front of you… But i’m a happy, chipper person… so.. anything felt otherwise i suppose is pretty noticeable. But I’d say I normal don’t feel anything to the extreme… I definitely don’t act upon it.

I spent yesterday alone. It was a long day. I felt so much. And i don’t really know what it was. Heartbreak? Hopeless? Lonely? Bored? I think it was all of that and more. Everything hit me. I’m an emotional eater… and normally if boredom hits or sadness or stress, food is my solace. But not even that tugged at me yesterday. I’ve been working on that. Not running to food. Or at least recognizing emotional hunger versus physiological hunger. And maybe I finally hit a break through with that yesterday. Maybe it was my sub-conscious forcing me to face my emotions. To process them. Instead of stuff them down with food. Maybe yesterday was a break through. It felt messy. It felt chaotic. Maybe its going to clear up in a way that cleaning your bedroom looks way worse before it actually gets better and cleaned and organized and uncluttered. Gotta pull everything out of all the nooks and crannies to either dust it off, put it up, or throw it out… I don’t know.

But i do know I was hurting every where. deep down. all throughout. so much. And today… the residual sadness is almost consoling. What does that even mean? It feels like a companion… like its a helper. Like I’m suppose to use it for something.

Maybe its going to do nothing more than to keep me away from people today… keep me from reaching out. Force me to process this on my own.

Maybe its nothing more than hormones… and tomorrow it’ll just be gone. That sucks to think about. That our emotions are just manifestations of the wrong chemical in our body at the time… no meaning other than malfunction of the body. obviously, some people think that… its why pills for depression exists… and i’m not saying there isn’t a place in this world for that… there most certainly is… i’m just hoping there’s more to it for me.

That’s enough for now. Here’s to keeping it together today… or letting things go… we’ll see.