Posts Tagged ‘dating’

lucky gal

March 2, 2017

Things with M are going really well. We even made our relationship facebook official. WHAT!??! Yes, you read that right. Lol… We live in a strange era, don’t we? I’ve only been fb official with Andy since my divorce.

He fights his demons daily. He has so much going on in that head of his. He has depression. It’s genetic. His mom… He always looks at her and it makes him feel even worse because he knows there’s not an end to it. It’s still her demon. It’ll be his too still in 20 years. It just is. I hate this for him. He tries so hard. But depression and anxiety have been a cause of so many of our issues. The first time around and now… but more because the baggage we created the last go around.

For instance, he broke up with me before saying that he was in so so deep into the depression that he didn’t want to take me down too. I deserved more. He walked away. So anytime this comes up now… any bad moment I see rearing it’s ugly head I am terrified he will make this same decision. I no longer feel like I’m just waiting for the end. I know he is working. Fighting to live a normal life and love me through it. But in those bad moments when I can’t see, touch, or hold him I hear that ghost of our past tapping on my brain. I brace myself. But I know he’s working on it. I am gaining more and more faith and trust that this won’t be what ends us. But… baggage is a bitch.

He’s so good at surprises and gifts. He’s so good with physcial contact. He’s so good with the words he gives me. I feel so so lucky. He is so wrapped around me its incredible. I’ve never had someone that needed me on this level. It’s one of those things I always thought was unhealthy, but this doesn’t feel unhealthy. It feels like a partnership. A true partnership with two sides equally leaning on each other. I love that.

I’m so happy to commit to him. And that’s not something that comes easy. I was definitely there with mitch too, but everyone else… that commitment is hard to jump into. I’m such a damn flirt and so addicted to attention. But this man… He gives me all of his attention and everything else in his being.

Feels good. ­čÖé

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m is back – 2

January 19, 2017

Every fiber of my being was aware that he was back. WE WERE IN THE SAME STATE AGAIN! I was trying to play it cool. I was dating the other guy… and m was bad for me right? He left, right?

He asked to see me immediately. I said yes. Immediately. I can’t not run to this man. I don’t think I’d ever make this man want for anything if I could possibly deliver.

I saw him. I smiled. I hugged him. We chatted for a few minutes. I welcomed him home.

It was short. As I walked away I couldn’t stop smiling. Ear to ear! Then WAM! It hit me. HOLY SHIT I STILL LOVE THIS MAN! How did I NOT see that.

I had to remind myself all the reasons why he was a bad idea. He drank too much. Way too depressed to function. He was emotionally stunted. He couldn’t face any emotion he had: good, bad, or ugly. He just shut down in the face of feelings. This is the same boy that broke up with me after one of the most phenomenal weekends of my life! We had so much fun together. Definitely the best weekend we had. BY FAR! And because of that he broke it off.

He did the “noble thing” and did it because he was going to drag me down. His depression stemmed from a very very very deep place. He has the worst view of himself. Not to mention it all started with a specific event that he will never ever forgive himself for. Because of that he will never feel worthy of love. ­čśŽ It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking.

So here I am running all these things in my head and all I can do is smile because… LOVE. What a damn girl.

Over the next few weeks he pours everything out to me. How he wished he hadn’t left. How I was the best thing thats ever been in his life. How he will spend as long as it takes to win me back. That he was put on this planet for me. And me for him.

Who did he become??? Already something was different. This man wasn’t the type to pour out his heart like this. The change was already enough to make me give him a shot again. But I waited. I needed to see something… I wasn’t sure for what tho.

But it became clear very quickly what I was waiting on. A promise to make us different than it was. But it wasn’t something words could’ve resolved for me.

Turns out he started taking medication for the depression. I was stoked to find that out. He didn’t want to “lower” himself to that before. But this guy is why these type of pills were created! For that person that just can’t find that chemical balance the rest of us kind of have naturally.

He joined a gym! This guy use to be way too self conscious for a gym before! I mean… he’s self conscious still but my point is that he is overcoming it! He’s going despite himself. That is HUGE for this guy.

He even told me he’s been praying and working on doing more of it… this is a show stopper! WHAT!!??!

He was fighting for me. As if I needed half of this with all the other feelings I have for him. I couldn’t believe the changes I was seeing in him. I’ve not experienced this much joy over something in my life I think.

I pretty quickly detached from that one guy. I say quickly… I took a few weeks doing it… and they were a LOOOOOONG couple of weeks. I wanted to be with m so badly, but I didn’t want there to be any physical overlap. Both guys deserved way better than that. It felt like forever.

m is back

January 13, 2017

Meanwhile…

M moved back to town. He left to take a job back home in North Carolina. He wanted to be near his brother. Who can fault him for that.

I dated m about a year and a half ago. Or should I say that’s when he broke up with me. Gah, that was hard. But he couldn’t wait to move back to NC so badly he was unwilling to continue “us”. It makes sense. But there was so much more to it in my heart than that.

His words said he didn’t want me and his actions said he did. He would list off reasons why he wasn’t good for me then show up at my door just for a hug.

He had red flags coming out the ass. He drank a lot and was in a horrible state of depression. It was hard. But there was so much more to him that drew me in. My own brand of magnet.

But it was one of those relationships you knew you were waiting on the end. It was coming. But you had to see it through. He broke my heart. He is the reason why I decided to pursue my kink instead of a relationship a year and half ago. My heart was a mess, but it left the perfect soil for my subbie/masochist to grow.

I knew he was coming back for about a month. And my brain shut down every time I thought of it. I was literally on the verge of a panic attack each time I thought of it. I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand what my body was communicating to me. I just knew that it effected me in a big way.

I would talk to m ever so often. He’d text or call. Every once in a while he’d say he missed me and wished he hadn’t let me go. I chalked it up to him being lonely or regretting the decision to leave this state. I didn’t know. I did know I couldn’t afford to believe him. For the last year and half I’ve finally decided that I was over it. I decided he really was no good for me. That him letting me go for “my own good” was just a cop out to “sorry, kid… i was just passing time.”

But when he got back to town he made his presence known in a big big way. He was back. And he wanted me. He missed me. He loved me. He never told me he loved me before. EVER. Who was this guy? He came back bearing his soul and his soul wanted me.

I wasn’t sure about any of my feelings… was confused about the borderline panic attacks until I saw him again for the first time…

that one guy

January 12, 2017

 

So… that one guy? I’ve been trying to break up with him for a few weeks now. We’ll have a conversation about how I’m not feeling it and that I’m ready to call it quits and he jumps into begging mode. Seriously, last Sunday we had a 3 hour argument that I ended with, “I can’t have this conversation anymore. I need to break for food.”

To say that threw me off the first time (the whole begging thing) would be an understatement. Most of the time I was with this guy I could barely tell if he liked me. In fact, I asked him that several times in the beginning saying things like, “If you aren’t feeling this then we can walk away now. No hard feelings.” But he assured me each time he just had a slightly different time line than i was use to. Okay. Fine. But… 6 months later and I still feel like an after thought most days? Yes. He did jump in pretty fiercely after the hospital thing, but that’s plain and simple because he had nothing else going on. As soon as something popped up, he was gone. And asking if he could come over past 10pm… I don’t like that. Gimme more than bedtime. It’s not acceptable to make plans with me only to break them because the guys are watching the game. Go watch the game. That’s not the problem. But don’t break plans with me to do it. That sucks.

Anyway… didn’t expect him to hold on. He’s in some kind of denial. But even now the only thing we talk about when he texts (which are becoming fewer and fewer so maybe he is catching on) is him having a head cold and how his drainage is causing a tummy ache and dry heaving…. It’s hard to feel bad when I know he’s being a big weenie. I’ve seen him “sick”. He’s a man-baby. Bet if volley ball season was still on he’d play… but because he’s free then he’s sick. Pfft. Pass.

Mean while… (to be continued)

eek!

December 9, 2016

Okay, so…. here’s my issue.

When we are in our own little bubble everything is AWESOME! I love this guy’s company. I like learning from him. I truly think he could make me a better and more well rounded person. I trust him. When it comes to politics and finances and career goals I’d be lucky to have him around for advice, motivation, and maybe a great intellectual argument or two. Keep me on my toes. Challenge me. Those are incredible qualities to have for a partner in life. I’ve never actually experienced this before. I think it goes back to that respect thing I mentioned.

But… There’s a snag.

He is loud and obnoxious ESPECIALLY in public. I’m empathetic, easily embarrassed and have a phobia about being embarrassed in public. This guy is my social nightmare!!

I don’t know what to do. when I brought up the fact that I’m easily embarrassed and even mentioned my phobia about it all he said was “we’ll burn that right off of ya”.

CRINGE!

so there’s this guy

December 7, 2016

A few months back I started seeing this guy. Another fucking red head. I swear… I’ve denied I had a type my whole adult life. But This is at least number 4… and I double take the most unfortunate looking red heads too. It’s more like a compulsion really. Don’t get me wrong. There are hot red heads, and this guy is good looking.

So… this guy. He’s financially secure. Great job. Savings account.┬áHe’s intimidatingly smart. The way his brain works… The amount of information this man holds in his brain and his recall abilities blows my mind. But honestly I’m at the other end of that spectrum. I can’t remember information, facts, numbers worth shit and I can’t recall even the most recent memories.

He’s very into technology and politics. He’s loud. He does only what he wants. He likes to argue. He’s always right. He’s abrasive. But he is more than capable of admitting defeat. But also, he’s affectionate. He’s touchy. And he touches well. And I don’t mean in a sexually satisfying way. I mean in a way that fills up my love tank. I respect him more than I’ve respected the men I’ve dated lately. Respect is a big deal to me. I am so damn stingy with that for some reason.

When we first started seeing each other he wasn’t around much. I didn’t even see him once a week. I asked him several times if he even liked me. I couldn’t tell. He didn’t seem to have any kind of feelings towards me good or bad. Just kind of… there… when he wasn’t busy or when he was bored. He kept saying he was just busy. This, that, or the other. Something always came up. Our plans were postponed often. I told him if he didn’t hang out and wasn’t around I’m assuming he just doesn’t want to… Simple enough. But I have to admit when we were face to face he was completely present. And I clung to those kind of moments.

I even thought… maybe I’ll just phase him out. But no amount of my lack of initiation made it disappear. It wasn’t satisfying by far, but he would pop back up just when I thought he’d forgotten about me. And he’d pop in completely present and satisfying while we were face to face.

He explained to me that he doesn’t go through the infatuation stage. He doesn’t do the falling, spark igniting moments. And he doesn’t want that. He wants a partner for life. Someone compatible without all the hormones.

I go back and forth on this. I have a few very wise people in my life that say this is what I should be looking for. Hang up the sexy idea of being swept up. Find someone stable that can take care of me. But I want to be the object of the other side of that infatuation DAMMIT! I want to be the object of desire and I want to fall with someone. But… A partner in life. Of course that’s what I want. and if I have to skip all the heart fluttering stuff to get there? I don’t know. Something is missing… oh yeah… the spark and the fire. Let that go? Maybe I need to. I’ve done that… and holy crap did that hurt. This feels more like a decision to be made rather than something I can’t fight with logic. It’s completely opposite of all my last dating ventures. This feels grown up.

Ever since his summer/fall activities ended and my stint in the hospital he’s been around ALL THE TIME. Every day. Like a switch went off. It’s like we’re a thing now. And he’s good at it. I mean… where the fuck did this come from? So now he’s around… and I still feel a pause over all this… because now it is my decision. Keep him because he’d make a good long term partner to do life with or pass and wait on some magic? I have a logical brain and a woman’s hope-filled heart. It’s causing a little unrest.

Don’t get me wrong. I like this guy. A lot. And that’s why I have this unsettled heart about it. I feel like I need advice here. Whats my hang up? Or whats my strong hold? If I sound all over the place it’s because I am. At this point he can’t break my heart… he doesn’t really have it. Is that the direction we’re heading? Will he have my heart in the future? Can he? Is it possible to work that way?

closure

October 6, 2016

So…. mitch called me last week. He said he wanted to start thinking about us maybe sort of getting back together. Vague as shit, right? But… you guys know what I went through. I couldn’t just say no and hang up. It wasn’t just my curiosity that made me say “Yeah, we could talk about that.”

Two days later he texted me and said he was on his way to Little Rock. He had friends to catch up with and he wanted to meet up with me too. Whao.. I haven’t seen from this guy since March and he wants to get things going again AAAAANNNNDDD HE’S ON HIS WAY TO ME???

I didn’t know how to feel. It’s like my feelings short circuited and shut down.

“Okay, yeah. We can do dinner.” Whats the harm in that?

He picks me up. He walks up to me and hugs me and kisses me. Kisses me like he owns me. I’m hesitant, but my reflexes were too slooooow and I kissed back, but it felt all wrong.

It wasn’t til I was sitting across the table from man that I realized just how much anger I have for him. I am so so so so so mad! How could he do what he did? He’ll never understand what shape he left me in. NEVER. I’m sure that forgiveness isn’t impossible, but it surely wasn’t today. We had our meal and I tried my best not to talk about the break up and just talk about us now. And what he was thinking and about his expectations and such.

When I said the word expectations all he answered was that he expected we would have sex tonight (Sunday night). I was a little taken aback as I was referring about how he thought we were going to pick up a relationship long distance and if he expected us to be exclusive or what level of commitment he was sitting on. Um… sex? Tonight? Really? Like, sex with mitch was fantastic, don’t get me wrong. And this week I have been in a MOOD! But… it couldn’t have been more of a turn off. I quickly set him straight on the issue. That I’m unsure of where I stand on the boundary front, but that I wouldn’t expect sex tonight if I were him.

As we were making our way back to my apartment he puts his hand on my boob and tries to start rubbing. I throw his hand off. And he said “what’s wrong babe?” “I’m just not sure about all that. I haven’t seen you since march WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.” Then he puts his hand on my crotch. I yell “NO” as forcefully and summoning as much authority as possible. And you all know about my submissive when it comes to men, especially lovers (ex or not). I had to dig deep for this, but I was amazed at his forwardness.

He drops me off saying he has committed some time to his old roommate while he’s in town and asks if he can come back later that evening. I tell him it just depends on how late it was… it being a school night at all. I know it hasn’t gone well this far, but I wouldn’t mind another conversation before he leaves town again.

It isn’t til 10 that he asks when is “too late.” At 10:30 I head to bed and I tell him this much. “So… I can’t come over?” “Goodnight.” Eye roll. I’m kind of mad at this point. Don’t tell me you are coming back and then expect me to stay up for you. No sir.

THe next day I don’t hear from him til the evening. He asks if he can stay the night… but it won’t be til late. More committed time to another buddy in a town about an hour away. I said he could… I’m still wanting that conversation.

He doesn’t come in til 11pm tho. I know at this point a productive conversation is impossible. He tries his handsy shit again, and I have to tell him to quit being so pushy.

I felt like the whole weekend was one big booty call. It made me feel shitty. He never once made me feel respected, valued, or cared for… That from the guy that says he wants to try a relationship again?

All I can say is WOW and thank you mitch for the closure.

whoops

September 12, 2016

I feel like that’s been a blog title before in the past… won’t be the last!!

So… remember the whole celibacy thing? yeah. I slipped up.

Actually it was more than a small slip up. It was a whirly shit show of an amazing night. But… I definitely took it too far this time. DEFINITELY.

My morality compass just took the biggest nose dive I’ve ever taken!

So let me incriminate myself a little by divulging…

Went out with my friends on friday. It started out super casual. I’ve got jeans on and a v-neck. Beers at a local brewery. The game was on. I don’t care at all about football but my girlfriend was wanting to watch. So we sat and drank from mid-second quarter to how ever many overtimes it took for us to win. Whatever. Not the important part.

After that a couple of other girls joined us. One was my best friend. They came dressed to impressed and ready to party. Clearly they were looking for something more than low key brewery.

So we packed up and went to an Irish pub. This also was NOT good enough for them. I was having a perfectly fine time. In fact I talked to an old man at the bar about our religious and spiritual back grounds and… well… fore grounds I guess. It was fun and he introduced me to a new drink. The Colorado Bull Dog. YUM!!! So you see, this was the type of evening I was happy to be having.

My friends, still being unsatisfied talked me into the next location. My original friend dropped out at this point. We decided on a new place. Never been, but you can’t be picky after 1am in Little Rock.

We go. We sit and drink. Hangout. My best friend’s friend is getting annoyed and I can’t tell why. But I have a feeling it was because she wasn’t being hit on like crazy. She’s insanely gorgeous and is probably use to being out and fawned over 100 % of the time. It just wasn’t the type of place and we weren’t mingling. We were just sitting at a table. I was still happy. Of course, I had zero expectation. We are there til about 4am.

As I’m walking to my car someone starts coming at me asking if I’m going to the cowboy. Which is one of only 4 places still open in town. I say, “Nope! Headed home!” But I stand there while he closes the gap between us. We talk. We flirt. It’s getting a bit cold out and I start to rub my hands on my arms to warm up with the friction. He grabs me and says here I’ll warm you up. And he hugs me. It’s nice. He’s cute. The flirting has been way too fun to resist the touch.

He starts talking about cuddling… and lets be honest for a second. Cuddling is something that all humans crave. Strangers. Loved ones. We just need to be touched. It’s our nature. Guys use this line because it works! It’s not just me. It’s not just my slutty tendencies. It’s just too damn appealing. “Your place or mine?” We chose mine because it was closer.

We stayed out by his truck for a minute in my parking lot so that he could smoke a cigarette. Sat on his tailgate. He’s one of those truck driving, country listening guys. But hey, I listen to country.

He asked if I had any alcohol inside. My only thought was what about the cuddling??? We talk more about more things. we flirt even more. It’s all just one big flirt tho, so lets not kid ourselves into thinking that this is in any way a life changing conversation. I don’t remember how the subject came up. Coke. Something he rarely does, but at their first location that night someone was offering and he went for it. I’ve never done this. And I’m trying to figure out how he brought it up in a way that made me react the way I did.

I basically said that I don’t do drugs. I’m not against trying anything once, but also my family has some strong addictive tendencies so any use scares me. He lit up a the “try anything once” phrase.

“Wanna try it with me?”

“Um…”

And that was that. We partied. Did a line. Laughed a lot. Did a line. Then clothes came off. And we were all over the place. Everywhere. Repeat. For hours and hours. While I do think I crossed a line that I don’t want to continue down, I can admit that I had a great time. And the conversations after doing it…

My mind opened up. My anxiousness lifted. I said what I wanted. I wasn’t blocked by being nervous. It’s like I knew what I felt and I knew what I wanted. And guys, I rarely feel that certain about what I want and feel. I can barely get words around those ideas. But it became easy. And that is the part I enjoyed. That part felt good.

It was reckless. Yet again, I’m being reckless. So… let the cycle continue. Taking my control back. All of it.

Can’t help but feel this line was just too far out there this time tho. I’m beating myself up over it. And it’s definitely warranted.

lets look

August 12, 2016

I want to look back today. I want to examine. Analyze. Think think think on recent past. I want to dive into it!

Why? I’m not sure. To look for some science in it all. Explanations. Causation? I don’t know. But I feel strong today (after a few very tearful/hormonal days).

How far back? Let me see.

R. You never loved me. I’m not sure why you told me that. What were you really feeling? I think that maybe in the moments of “what if” and “maybe” its easy to sink into the best feelings. Humans, for some reason against all evidence and outcomes and past experiences, are hopeful. Hope. It’s not rational. But ironically it does keep us sane. I find that fascinating. But I digress.

M. It WAS about sex, huh? Man! I would’ve bet my life against that one. I truly thought you were just damaged and needed some guidance to prove otherwise. That was silly of me. This took me A FULL YEAR AFTER THE BREAKUP to realize it. Time does heal some things. Gah. This one really does feel good to come to terms with. I spent so much energy trying to figure this out thru the entire thing. Deciphering meanings from words and actions and the way the words and actions didn’t match. Some times its confusing because we want the opposite of what we are hearing but really it’s that simple. It’s just that we chose to cover our ears and disregard our gut. Our hearts are bigger than our brains. We think if we just feel enough we can over power what is actually going on. Willing everything into love and happily ever after.

Andy. What happened? I jumped too soon. Way way way way too soon. I saw a glimpse of something I LOVED! And then failed to re-evaluate as I went. I just pushed on chasing that glimpse. But that light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t at all what I thought. Andy stopped putting effort into the whole thing about 5 minutes in… I bathed in those 5 minutes. Then I bottled up that feeling and went back to it every time reality fell short. Why was this okay with me at the time? But again, I had that darn hope that makes no sense to have. Hope that those first 5 minutes would be my reality again and again with him. It wasn’t going to happen.

Mitch. Holy fuck you ruined my existence. Still. I’m still spinning. I wanted all of you forever. You never let me down. Until you walked away. You didn’t want this. And you left this. It came on sudden and it ended sudden. Easy come easy go? Not sure easy is the word I’d use tho. This guy caused more baggage than my divorce. I will forever not trust the words of someone that speaks so passionately and with such enthusiasm… SHARED enthusiasm. Still spinning. The things I felt here… felt like forever. For the first time I felt forever. Spinning.

Not much analysis there I suppose. But so many thoughts. So many feelings. So many open ended questions. No closure here. The only hope (there’s that word again) is that time will turn this into something other than a ‘what if’ and ‘the one that got away’.

I think I’ve decided that once he turned my world upside down… I’m not sitting here waiting on the world to turn right side up again. I can only re learn how to navigate with gravity pulling in the opposite direction. I’m learning.

I guess if we are using the world flipping analogy that I’m grateful its a sphere… hey looky there. Gravity is pulling in the same direction as it was before. Maybe it’s not too bad after all, huh? Sigh… And we were always spinning.

Discarded. Mitch, you gave me my new biggest fear in life. You discarded me. It’s way worse than rejected. Who knew?

Trey. I’m just so sorry I did that to you. I did things to you that guys have done to me and I hate that I might have left you feeling the way they’ve made me feel. I’m sorry. There were moments I really did what us… but ultimately its the picture I wanted. You just filled in my gap of pain… You didn’t fit perfectly but I selfishly kept you there to help appease my broken heart. It just wasn’t right. And no excuse is good enough. It was shitty. I was shitty.

This post felt like healing. It feels good. Not everything in it is good obviously. But this one felt good to get out of my finger tips.

I miss moments….

August 10, 2016

When you sink into someone

and sigh an ‘I love you’

because in that moment

you feel nothing else.