Posts Tagged ‘dating and stress’

panman & mommy

March 2, 2016

Panman and Mommy made their relationship official last weekend. They have also declared it an open relationship. Not many rules except to stay honest about everything.

He has asked me to join them. But he’s giving me very different tunes depending on what argument he is making. He says… I’ll have a relationship with him. And he’ll have a relationship with mommy.

First off… I struggled with an open relationship before. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t just live and let live about it. My heart and mind conflicted constantly. It was literally giving me nightmares.

I really liked mommy the first time we met. An instant fondness. But I have to be honest, she hit her peak with me that night. Ever since she’s been constantly slipping in my mind. I don’t like how promiscuous she is. I don’t like how flippant she is with panman. I don’t like that look of discontentment I see in her eyes. And I know that my dislike stems from a place of wanting to protect panman. Maybe even a bit of jealously. I’m not above admitting that. I think a lot of the worry in my mind was about giving panman an STD, and in my mind that would possibly effect me! I mean, if I broke up with A and if I decided to give this open relationship a shot.

I realize, this line of thought or this “relationship” isn’t my finest moment. I didn’t want to cheat on A, but if I was discontented with A and I felt some jealousy and territorial over panman… then… its worth thinking about how mommy could directly effect my life.

But I did consider that panman could be right. It may just be me and him. and him and her would be completely separate and I’d never have to deal with her. And I kind of believe him when he says that he can give all we need… without feeling neglected ever. I don’t know how this is possible but I believed him.

Then one day last week while I was going back and forth with him about me and A and the impending breakup… he tells me that him and mommy need me. This statement hit me weird. I don’t want to be with mommy. I didn’t even want to be someone she could depend upon. What does that say about my feelings for panman? Shouldn’t I be inspired to love who he loves? to value who he values? to uplift who he deems worthy?

It hit me so hard considering that her well being had anything to do with me. It scared the shit out of me. And appropriately so. It reality checked me.

I already know I can’t do this open thing. I already lived part of this. I was getting caught up in being wanted by someone.

Having feelings for the situation and not the person. Longing to be desired. Longing to be appreciated.

I’m telling you tho, after this weekend all the appropriate bubbles were popped. My reality came shining through. Thank goodness I caught hold of that before I jumped into an even messier situation than I could deal with. If I was having nightmares before… Then this could certainly turned into a living nightmare.

Last night’s date (because I KNOW you care)

August 20, 2014

So… It didn’t start out too great in my opinion… and really, who else’s opinion matters when it comes to dating?!?!

Let me preface with this. I have a few really close girlfriends that do game night once a week… I usually opt out for several reasons. 1) We have at least 2 other weekly traditions and I need a night off! I love love love my girls but damn! Can I get a minute?! They know this about me and don’t push the subject – which actually is quite surprising. 2) Me and games are not friends. I hate when its a game and my turn consists of reading, choosing, or coming up with something creative. a) i’m not creative and b) i hate being the center of attention. If it was just me and my girls I’d be okay, but there’s always a few random straggler that get me all flustered… despite the wine. I have a phobia of being embarrassed… It haunts me. This is why i don’t do sports either. I blush waaaay too easy. Which leads to more embarrassment and more blushing… It’s a steep downward spiral of terribleness.

Okay, so all day I get texts from them asking if I’m coming to game night and if I’m bringing my date. Um, guys!!! I have a date! I don’t know what this weighs in their world but I’m freaking out slightly! If this date turns out well, I. AM. NOT. SHARING. Other than that, if you have plans you have plans. I even thought it was incredibly rude for them to beg when they know I’m busy. And they never beg about game night. MY GIRLS KNOW ME! So, this was going on most of the day…

Mean while the plan is to get together about 7ish for dinner after he does a few chores/errands after work. Fair enough. So I start stressing out about 6:15… because it’s what I do. (Don’t I sound like a keeper??) What should I wear? How should I fix my hair? I swear that shirt looked cuter last time i wore it. My hair is NOT right. I’m hungry. Don’t eat. How bout this shirt? No. Not that one either. Snap a pic. Send it to my sister. Cry to my sis about how I wish I had her hair and her boobs… OK, I kind of feel cute in this shirt. Jeans or shorts??????? And this went on. And on. I get a text from my date. “This is taking longer than I expected. Looking at about an hour and a half.” WHAT?!?!?!?!? It’s is almost 7 already and I’m hungry AAAAANDDD I need to be at work at 7 am tomorrow morning!!! So you see how this doesn’t help my already stressed out self? “Sure! No problem, just let me know! :)” Ugh… i hate my passive aggressive self some times. On top of that have to pick him up. Something wrong with his car… ugh… Normally this is not a big deal, but at this point it just adds to my stress. And I need to stop for gas. Just breathe, girl!

So by the time I get in my car I’m already feeling myself turn introvert. I get like this… I guess it’s just how i deal (or not deal) with stress. If any of you are doctors out there would you let me know if this qualifies me for the need of chill pills?? I stop for gas. I get to his place and call his phone. “I’m out front.” “Coming.” I sit. I wait. I sit. I wait. My stomach is turning in knots! COME ON! Still sitting. Still waiting. Seriously, dude? You’ve had almost 2 hours now since I thought this date was going to begin. He finally comes out. Red faced. Looking more stressed than me! He gets in the car. “I was looking for my wallet. No luck.” We swing by the complex’s laundromat because that is the last place he saw it. I’m crossing my fingers because I can’t take him being upset… if he can’t find his wallet.. what am I suppose to do in this situation? He comes out with his wallet! CRISIS AVERTED! I’m singing a silent hallelujah. Now can we eat?!?!?!?! He has picked out a sushi restaurant. I am so excited. I love sushi and I love when people I like to be around love sushi too! So he tells me about what direction we are going… it’s close… and he keeps talking and I realize it’s mine and my ex-husband’s favorite sushi place. :-\ Seriously? At least I know its a good restaurant… but who likes taking a different guy after going into this restaurant with the same guy for YEARS! I want to cry (not really but i do wanna shrivel up a little).  I don’t mention it. So all the while I am in my head while not talking to him. I’m probably the most dull person he’s come in to contact with this month. So then I start worrying about that. I can’t think of a damn thing to say. I’m racking my brain and coming up empty every time. My mind has never been so empty. I’m even boring myself.

I have this aha! moment when we are almost done eating. “So my friends are doing a game night tonight. They’ve been pestering me all day about it. Interested?” So… we end up at game night. And the night is instantly better! Blame it on the fact that we get more people to fill the silence, blame it on the wine, blame it on the fact that my friends are there, blame it on it actually being a good date, blame whatever! It turned around! I did get embarrassed quite often – blushed a ton (thanks to the game that eluded to sex like 50,000 times) – but we had such a good time. Conversation was easy the rest of the night. Even on the drive back to his place. He said he’d like to see me again. (I’ve heard that before.) Maybe its just one of those things guys say at the end of a date. We shall see. At this point the jury is still out on whether I’d even agree to date number two. I’m just glad it wasn’t a total bust – in my opinion… and after all, we decided mine is the only one that matters.  🙂

I am exhausted just reliving it. Maybe this will get easier. Or maybe I can boycott the traditional dinner date. Does it give off the wrong vibe if I just wanna order take out and have a movie marathon??? Seems way less stressful. Maybe I’ll come up with more creative non-stressful (less stressful! Lets be honest, I don’t know how to NOT stress) date ideas. Suggestions are welcome!

Okay, that’s enough for now. Later!