Posts Tagged ‘crying’

pity party

December 16, 2015

We had our Christmas luncheon today for work. They try to make it fun for us. They always have a skit or a talent show or something planned. Always a fun time. Usually I’m part of the entertainment. This year I wasn’t asked. And I didn’t think much about it. Was happy I wouldn’t have to practice for something and experience soooooo many nerves the day of.

So I head to the lunch. I car pool with a few of the guys on my team. Turns out that they did have a skit planned… and a few songs performed.

It was a Family Feud skit. How fun, right?! WRONG. BIG FAT WRONG. It would’ve been hilarious. Okay, I did enjoy most of it, but my ex-husband was in the skit. Ugh. Great. I can deal. We get along. Just hate his presence being thrown in my face all the damn time.

Like, when I get on facebook. I’ve taken great care to make sure he doesn’t pop up on my feed. On any social media for that matter. But when I get on facebook or snapchat and I see my little brother (who currently lives in my old house with my ex husband and ex dog) post pics of my old fire place with my dog it hits me really really hard. My little brother IS ON A DAMN CHRISTMAS CARD with my ex and his friends this year. So so so sensitive is my family towards me, right? I FUCKING HATE IT.

Anyway, the ex exits the stage. Raffle drawing. Christmas cake. Yada yada yada. “And two beautiful ladies have prepared a song to sing for us.”

This is the sort of situation that a flask was created for… Or you know that pill that people get embedded under the skin between their index finger and thumb with a poisonous pill that kills you instantly…?

Who gets up? My ex husband’s ex mistress. And singing about Mary and baby Jesus no less!

To round out the wonderful day I had I come home to a message from my family saying we aren’t doing our Christmas thing til the 26th… and that we can’t crash with them at all… I’ll have to get a hotel and I can’t bring my pup. Thanks for the full 10 days notice. Original plan? Wee were all bunking at my brothers on Christmas eve after a Christmas eve service together. We were going to play cards and drink eggnog.  I was taking my pup, and we were all going to wake up and open gifts and drink coffee. It’s tradition.

I’m pissed at my brother for changing plans. And I cry when I’m mad. So I’m going to bed with tear filled eyes, and puffy cheeks from wiping tears away. And inviting my pillow to join me. Rational or not, I’m indulging in this pity party. HMPH!

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big ball of anxiety

November 20, 2015

Just like last month my PMS came in the form of anxiety. I’m normally a pretty tense person, but the levels of anxiousness this week have been unreal. It’s so strange to me. I swear my body hates me more and more for not having a kid already. GEEZE! My internal clock is insanely loud these days.

Earlier this week I went 24 hours without hearing from Andy. Since september 26th I haven’t gone more than 12 hours without a word from him. All I could do was invision him in a ditch with his truck laying on top of him. I was a nut case!

When in reality the way our schedules line up (or don’t line up) and the fact that his phone decided to stop working it just didn’t work out that he could get ahold of me. I was thinking about contacting his family and friends and worrying the world because I hadn’t heard from him. I just all out crazy panicked. I’m thankful that I talked myself down from that ledge tho. I haven’t met most of his people yet and that would NOT have been a good first impression. I was beside myself tho. It was terrible!

If there was ever question on if I cared about him, this cleared it up! When he finally was able to communicate with me via someone else’s phone I had already worked myself up so much that I had to cry any way. It was just too much. I had to let it spill over. I blame this sort of release on Sir, he tapped into my emotions in a way that makes me very in touch with them. It’s like he bridged a gap I was missing. So when I feel it, I can’t hold it in if I tried. I went to the bathroom to ball my eyes out at work after I hung up with Andy. I just also wish that in that moment I had someone to collapse into. That would’ve have made it more complete.

I can’t wait to hug Andy today. Friday’s are not just the end of my work week now, but the day I get to see him after being apart all week. I just cannot wait to have him hold me. There’s zero chance of me escaping this weekend without anothter tearful breakdown. It’s new to not see it as weakness but as strength to let the tears flow and the emotions release. Somehow it’s empowering. One of the many lessons Sir gave me.

On top of that my estranged uncle got run over by a car… RUN OVER BY A DAMN CAR. As in, it rolled on top of him. And that vehicle also happened to be pulling a trailer. So first the car ROLLED over him then the trailer. INSANE. He is alive but badly banged up. Three out of four limbs were effected. I’ve been helping him with errands and getting things in order for him. It was so taxing. I feel awful complaining about helping him while he is so injured while I’m young, healthy, and able. But this man, he is so hard to deal with. I haven’t talked to him in years. It drained me. I. Am. Spent.

 

vanilla drop?

November 11, 2015

I didn’t recognize it as ‘sub’ space when I was there. But I crashed just the same.

Me and Andy had just finished up, and I went to the bathroom per my usually post-sex routine. But it hit me hard and I immediately went to back to him. I curled up onto him. I couldn’t stop shaking. Usually I have some sort of control on it… whether its a small stifling or flat out stopping it…. Shakes came hard and fast and frequent. Violent almost. I could feel the tears sitting on the inside of my cheeks, threatening to push up and out.

He kept asking if I was okay. I could barely get out a ‘yes.’ How do I explain a subdrop to someone vanilla? All I could say (after quite some time and fumbling over words) was that I must have just let my self go up too high. He was really sweet about it. He didn’t mind my crying. He encouraged it. He said that he’d rather me cry in his arms than without him.

I feel like Sir has tapped into a dam. He opened me up to whatever that was. And whatever it is is STILL open. And without feeding my masochism.. I didn’t really know that could happen. And it all still kind of confuses me. Do people experience this? I never have before out side of a d/s scene. I mean, yes I shake some, not to that extent tho, and never the crying.

The next time we had sex he took time to bring me down. I didn’t advise him that I thought he should. Or give him any ques at all on how to possibly make my drop a little easier. He rubbed my back all over. Petting me. Large round strokes on my bare skin. I don’t know how he knew to do that. It was so sweet. I’m not sure if it’s something he researched… I try not to talk about d/s stuff with him at all, but I have told him a lot in the past… I just don’t talk about it anymore with him. So I’m not even sure there was something he would know to look up. I’m just really happy that he learned from an experience that I didn’t even know there was something to learn from. It was a very sweet gesture.

Have any of you experienced this?

catharsis

October 19, 2015

I had a really emotional week. Family things going on. Personal things going on. It was effecting my sleep. My mood. Everything. Through the week Sir kept asking if he should come over. Scene with me. I told him not to worry about it. I didn’t want to disturb his schedule. I could handle things. It’s what I do. Not well, but I do it alone. I didn’t realize how stubborn I was being. Here’s a man who wanted to help. He wanted to take care of me. He wanted to at least be the shoulder I cried on… And I just kept pushing that away all week.

Our date was scheduled for Saturday night. I was ready. Something about the week tho… being so thrown off. I knew tears would be close. I did my normal primp prep. Pedicure, nails, eyebrows, shave, shower, lotion… It’s my calming ritual.

Before the play date began, we had been invited to a vetting. This is where members of certain kink groups meet you and basically pass you off in order to be invited to play parties. I was nervous. But it went well. It was intimidating, but I didn’t ever feel overwhelmed. The leaders of the group were great. There was something so inviting and charming about those ladies. I spoke to one who told me she was a sub… my jaw dropped (in my head; physically I stayed composed). She was so vibrant. Commanding. Calming. Surely she was all Domme. Nope. I spoke with Sir about this later. Subs go through phases. The right Dom pulls out the confidence of his sub. Strengthens her. I totally see that. I get it. What a beautiful thought!

Anyway, back at my apartment I put Sammie in his kennel (he doesn’t like when mommy is choked). I went into the bedroom. He stripped me down, but this time he left my bra and panties on. He strapped my ankles to a spreader bar (a first for me). He put a braided leather belt around my neck. He cuffed my hands together. He threw me on the bed and told me how he wanted me. It was impossible to make it to the position he asked for with a spreader bar between my legs. Whoever this was made for was SURELY taller than me. I finally wiggled into place. I’m sure it wasn’t sexy AT ALL. He might have evil-y giggled once. Maybe not. I was really concentrating.

He has two other belts that he takes turns using on me. I love belts. The thud to sting ratio is my favorite. He doesn’t neglect that belt around my neck either. He uses that quite freely. I love it. Breath play: it’s the quickest way to wet in my world. He knows it. He didn’t use this much when we first played. In fact I wondered if he’d ever get to it. But some people – they don’t touch it. It’s dangerous. It’s oxygen. It’s life. I get it. Once he realized it’s effect on me tho… He couldn’t ignore it.

I don’t know how long this went on. But something inside me was being pulled to the surface. I couldn’t have held it back if my life depended on it. I just started sobbing. Not a small sniffle. But huge sobs. Body shaking sobs. Again, not my sexiest night. He was at my side in half a second. I immediately made sure he knew it wasn’t from the pain. But he was a step ahead of me. He coached me through the whole release. Telling me to let it go. Whispering to me the entire time. Stroking my hair. I couldn’t remember when the spreader bar was taken off… was it before or after the break down? But I was still face down, but now my knees were curled under me. I had a hold of his arm. He just kept coaching me through. It was… the most complete catharsis. Not sure how he knew before I did. How does he know things? But this was his intention. He was pushing me over the edge I was so stubbornly clinging to.