Posts Tagged ‘broken’

feels

July 30, 2016

I have too many. A mistake has been made. I’ve been allotted more than my share. I must have taken someone else’s. They are sitting there… all hard to the world… feeling nothing. Do I envy them?  I don’t know. I mean… Normally I feel like this is a gift. But all the feelings are hurting me right now. Like an open attack on my heart. On my mind. On that stupid spot on my forearm…

Must be a mistake.

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broken

May 25, 2016

So… I’m having a hard time not covering up this pain by reaching out to someone else. Like, anyone else. I have been in communication with 5 other guys that have shown interest in me in the past… Why am I dumping all this complication on myself on top of all this heartache? Is it worth the tiny ego boost?

I’m standing on the sidelines in my mind screaming at myself to run in the other direction and yet I am completely ignoring it. I’ve already got a play date for next Tuesday with someone who is going to beat me and use the shit out of me until I can’t feel anything. I already have this set up! And it’s with someone that was (is) in love with me. How could I use someone this way? The only fair thing about all this is that I’ve told him everything. That I’m in pain and I’d like to convert that to physical pain. That I crave it. I need it’s centering effects. Worst part after him being in love with me is that me and this guy have a legitimate chance of actually being an incredible couple. We just haven’t had the timing workout in the past.

So how can I be so selfish and needy right now knowing all that? Yet… it’s on the calendar. Therefore it is.

I can’t wait. Can’t wait to be too exhausted to move. Can’t wait to feel so much that my feels shut down and I’m numb. When M broke my heart that’s what I wanted too. For someone to break my body other than my heart. And it worked. It was perfect. I invested in my kink.

Grasping at straws here. The pain is incredible and not in a good way right now. I just want to be broken. Taken to nothing so I can start my way back up to something stronger.

rejection

April 28, 2016

I’ve only experienced heartbreak by rejection once in my lifetime. I don’t think I’ll ever not be able to conjure up that feeling whenever I think about it. It hurts. It lingers. It reappears. It kind of taps on the middle of your skull till you are pissed off.

I absolutely, positively have moved on.. like, to infinity and beyond, but damned if I can still feel rejections when I recall the memories.

There’s this spot in my forearms that get this weird feeling. It’s the feeling your stomach gets when you go to fast over a hill. That stomach drop feeling you get when you look down from a cliff or when you are dropping in a steep slope on a roller coaster. It’s so strange. And I have only ever felt that when I was heartbroken by rejection. And I only ever feel it when I’m dwelling on the memory.

It makes me as sad and broken as when it originally happened.

I can’t get over the fact that no matter what “moving on” looks like to me in my life, this will always get to me. Brokenness followed quickly by anger then followed even quicker by self doubt. It’s INSANE!

I was rejected. I was rejected by a boy. I was rejected by a boy that couldn’t even accept himself and yet it still cuts so deep and true. Even the memories cut deep. Like they just happened… every time.

I’ve been thinking about it today because the boy that did this to me announced he is moving away. And while this news doesn’t effect me so much, I just couldn’t help but go through this cycle once again.

Rejected
Broken
Anger
Self doubt

I can’t help but wonder what the point is in re-living this every time. I don’t get it. No matter how displaced or happy I am I have to go through this cycle. I’m aware at this point it doesn’t have much to do with him at all. It’s that feeling. That unique feeling of being rejected. That tingle in my forearms. It’s as if my body needs to feel it. But why?