Posts Tagged ‘break ups’

m is back – 2

January 19, 2017

Every fiber of my being was aware that he was back. WE WERE IN THE SAME STATE AGAIN! I was trying to play it cool. I was dating the other guy… and m was bad for me right? He left, right?

He asked to see me immediately. I said yes. Immediately. I can’t not run to this man. I don’t think I’d ever make this man want for anything if I could possibly deliver.

I saw him. I smiled. I hugged him. We chatted for a few minutes. I welcomed him home.

It was short. As I walked away I couldn’t stop smiling. Ear to ear! Then WAM! It hit me. HOLY SHIT I STILL LOVE THIS MAN! How did I NOT see that.

I had to remind myself all the reasons why he was a bad idea. He drank too much. Way too depressed to function. He was emotionally stunted. He couldn’t face any emotion he had: good, bad, or ugly. He just shut down in the face of feelings. This is the same boy that broke up with me after one of the most phenomenal weekends of my life! We had so much fun together. Definitely the best weekend we had. BY FAR! And because of that he broke it off.

He did the “noble thing” and did it because he was going to drag me down. His depression stemmed from a very very very deep place. He has the worst view of himself. Not to mention it all started with a specific event that he will never ever forgive himself for. Because of that he will never feel worthy of love. 😦 It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking.

So here I am running all these things in my head and all I can do is smile because… LOVE. What a damn girl.

Over the next few weeks he pours everything out to me. How he wished he hadn’t left. How I was the best thing thats ever been in his life. How he will spend as long as it takes to win me back. That he was put on this planet for me. And me for him.

Who did he become??? Already something was different. This man wasn’t the type to pour out his heart like this. The change was already enough to make me give him a shot again. But I waited. I needed to see something… I wasn’t sure for what tho.

But it became clear very quickly what I was waiting on. A promise to make us different than it was. But it wasn’t something words could’ve resolved for me.

Turns out he started taking medication for the depression. I was stoked to find that out. He didn’t want to “lower” himself to that before. But this guy is why these type of pills were created! For that person that just can’t find that chemical balance the rest of us kind of have naturally.

He joined a gym! This guy use to be way too self conscious for a gym before! I mean… he’s self conscious still but my point is that he is overcoming it! He’s going despite himself. That is HUGE for this guy.

He even told me he’s been praying and working on doing more of it… this is a show stopper! WHAT!!??!

He was fighting for me. As if I needed half of this with all the other feelings I have for him. I couldn’t believe the changes I was seeing in him. I’ve not experienced this much joy over something in my life I think.

I pretty quickly detached from that one guy. I say quickly… I took a few weeks doing it… and they were a LOOOOOONG couple of weeks. I wanted to be with m so badly, but I didn’t want there to be any physical overlap. Both guys deserved way better than that. It felt like forever.

m is back

January 13, 2017

Meanwhile…

M moved back to town. He left to take a job back home in North Carolina. He wanted to be near his brother. Who can fault him for that.

I dated m about a year and a half ago. Or should I say that’s when he broke up with me. Gah, that was hard. But he couldn’t wait to move back to NC so badly he was unwilling to continue “us”. It makes sense. But there was so much more to it in my heart than that.

His words said he didn’t want me and his actions said he did. He would list off reasons why he wasn’t good for me then show up at my door just for a hug.

He had red flags coming out the ass. He drank a lot and was in a horrible state of depression. It was hard. But there was so much more to him that drew me in. My own brand of magnet.

But it was one of those relationships you knew you were waiting on the end. It was coming. But you had to see it through. He broke my heart. He is the reason why I decided to pursue my kink instead of a relationship a year and half ago. My heart was a mess, but it left the perfect soil for my subbie/masochist to grow.

I knew he was coming back for about a month. And my brain shut down every time I thought of it. I was literally on the verge of a panic attack each time I thought of it. I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand what my body was communicating to me. I just knew that it effected me in a big way.

I would talk to m ever so often. He’d text or call. Every once in a while he’d say he missed me and wished he hadn’t let me go. I chalked it up to him being lonely or regretting the decision to leave this state. I didn’t know. I did know I couldn’t afford to believe him. For the last year and half I’ve finally decided that I was over it. I decided he really was no good for me. That him letting me go for “my own good” was just a cop out to “sorry, kid… i was just passing time.”

But when he got back to town he made his presence known in a big big way. He was back. And he wanted me. He missed me. He loved me. He never told me he loved me before. EVER. Who was this guy? He came back bearing his soul and his soul wanted me.

I wasn’t sure about any of my feelings… was confused about the borderline panic attacks until I saw him again for the first time…

May 6, 2016

A break up is like a bad hang over. You swear off men and you swear off alcohol forever saying,

“I’m never doing that again….”

But… we all know… It’s just a matter of time.

looking back at R

September 9, 2015

Let me hit the pause button on Sir T really fast and explain a few things:

A few months before M and I started dating I was dating this guy. I didn’t write about him other than our first date… and a little vague tid bit at the bottom of this blog post and this one. I couldn’t write about him because in a moment of this-guy-really-cares-for-me-and-i-can-open-up-to-him I gave him my blog. Him and my sister are the only readers I’m not anonymous to. Anyway, I’ve been wanting to write about him for awhile now.

After our first date we didn’t see each other again for a full month. But I knew that I wanted a second date with him. I can’t really remember why it took so long… but this was during my Tinder phase so I could see how the meaningless distractions might have won out there. When you are stuck in the Tinder muck you forget what quality is because it’s so quantity based. Bleh. It’s like quick sand. Anyway…

I started seeing R on a semi regular basis. We live about 60 miles apart so it wasn’t the most convenient thing. On top of that his working hours were the opposite of mine most days. Our only common free time was Wednesday evenings, Saturday nights (post 10pm), and Sundays. This kind of schedule was working for us. I was busy. He was busy. I got to keep my social calendar. He got to…. whatever he did. But as we got closer and closer and I realized “Holy shit I think I WANT to commit to this guy” (which is a big deal because its the first time I’ve felt this since my divorce)… our schedules became too inconventient. I wanted more time with him. I wanted more. I no longer wanted casual… I wanted exclusivity. Between my on-call schedule and a few extra shifts he picked up through the week it didn’t work out. But it was one of those haunting “what-if” break ups because it was a scheduling issue, not a matter of the heart.

We still check in with each other about once a month through text. At one point we said we missed each other, but that’s where we would leave it. Then M came along. I truly feel like after me and R I was finally ready for something more than casual. So with M I jumped in full force. Poor guy didn’t stand a chance. He wasn’t where I was… I was the one that had primer already painted on. That lasted a month… a good month… but only a month. Still, I was so ready that this break up took me down. 2 months later I feel good tho. Recovered (mostly).

BUT ANYWAY! The point of this whole blog post:

On my second date with R… which was just hanging out in my apartment on opposite sides of the couch… I thought “I can see myself loving this guy.” I just said LOVE in my head on a second ‘date’! WHAT?! I just tucked that thought away. I didn’t hate the thought. Then as the night continued… still on opposite sides of the couch we started discussing the movie I had just seen with my girlfriends – 50 Shades of Grey. Now, I think that all of us in the life style have a soapbox especially made for this series, but I held my tongue because it’s hard not to get worked up about that movie and stay undercover. Welp, he didn’t stay undercover. He outed himself… He identifies as a Dom… WHAT?!?!?!? I STILL don’t say anything explicit about my submissive tendencies, but I join in the conversation enough to hopefully give off the hint. He’s not the kind of guy to tell people this. This is just how well we hit it off. This was our second 4 plus hour conversation and we were clicking in all the right places. Hell, I had the L word on the brain!

So over the next few months we had (although very limited contact) some very satisfying on every level contact. In the bedroom… a-freaking-mazing. He was dom. I was sub. I was his. And he was so fucking satisfying. I can’t get over how perfect it really was. Our kinks matched up so perfectly. He was so good at it. The trust I felt was beyond logic. Outside of the bedroom our conversations were constant and interesting. We couldn’t really get enough… which is where we started falling apart… Wanted more of everything. We would go weeks without being able to get to each other and it was torture. I would miss him so badly. Neither one of us fought hard enough to continue through that torture. But breaking it off with him was almost too easy. It was as if we hit an understood pause button… We never said it out loud, but this is how I felt. And I let life distract me. M came along and made it all the more easy.

Relevance to now??

He makes this whole dom search so hard. I can’t imagine anyone being able to recreate what R did for me emotionally and physically. Even in just the few scenes I’ve had with a few other people, while I do enjoy being a whipping post, there is this whole other level that I’ll never be able to get because R set that bar so damn high. Post scene flashbacks… with him… haunting. Every time someone contacts me about getting to know me on fetlife, I can’t help but think of R. I’m haunted by him.